A non-relative has custody of my niece...

[stealth2]

Unless we want to ruin our credit rating

I have to say that - if this were MY sibling's child? I would be willing to ruin my credit rating to get him/her to a safe place. ANY safe place.

 

[pleasehelpmeout]

Not true. If the child is in KINSHIP care, the state might not pay expenses.

You are assuming that those funds are available for FAMILY care or KINSHIP care.

I'd venture a guess that you DO NOT KNOW MUCH about foster care law based on your statements. I do. Work with it daily.

Look for a retainer of at least $1500 to start with. Then at monthly payments after that.

I would not count on state aid to help raise a family member's child.

You are NOT a party to the case. If you are not a party then you have no standing to present evidence or witnesses.

Nope. Such cases are normally private.

Don't know.

ETA: And the child is NOT in foster care if the girlfriend has custody. If the child was in foster care, the county/state would have custody. NOT the girlfriend.

I'm not sure what kinship care is, but my other niece is in care of my sister in law, and she is getting foster care money to help take care of her.

I don't know a whole lot about foster care law, only what I have been told.

Well by "we weren't able to present witnesses/evidence", I mostly meant the sister in law fighting for foster parent rights, and the sister in law who's daughter it is. I didn't realize that it wasn't open to other relatives though.

Thanks for the other info.

Sorry custody was the wrong word to use... she is in foster care with the girlfriend, not custody.

Oh please... "you all"? I'm the only one who went there, so why you feel it necessary to impugn the others who replied to you is beyond me. Fact is - this is a complicated situation and you're going to have trouble prevailing w/o an attorney. Telling you that is hardly throwing personal judgments at you, your family or your collective motives.

I apologize.

If the child has been living with the girlfriend and the father for the last few years, its possible one of the main reasons the judge ruled to keep the child with the girlfriend dispite the fact that she's not a blood relative is simply because of stability. If this woman is the only mother figure the child's ever known and knows how to care for a child with cerebral palsey then from the child's needs standpoint, this sounds as if its the best option for the child.
One of the things you can do is get visitation on a regular basis. Does anyone from the family have a strong relationship with the child other that the girlfriend?
Get educated! Take classes to prepare yourselves or whoever to care for the child. Just because its a limp now doesn't mean something might come up that the care giver would need to be able to recognize and treat immediately. Granted I know nothing about this disease either but, I can see where someone with experience in dealing with it could be more capable to care for a child than someone with out.
Does anyone in the family know about any other medical issues etc of the child? Are you or anyone playing an active role in her life?
To uproot a 5 year old from the life and people she's known all of her life can be traumatic especially if she doesn't know the "blood relative" who will be caring for her.
If nothing else, you should think about how you can prove another house is better capable of taking care of the child and would be in the best interests of the child. In this case, a blood relative doesn't necessarily mean that person is more suitable for caring for the child.

Thanks. I believe this was probably a major part of the girlfriend's argument, and I'm sure she made it clear to the judge that we never visited the child, and that the child never visited us, even though that is entirely untrue. We've had her around our family for many holidays, birthdays, other visitations, etc. She knows all of us, knows her aunts and uncles names, is excited and happy to see us... All of us are playing an active role in her life - at least as much as we possibly can. That being said, she HAS lived with the girlfriend for most of her life. I believe the last three years. Non of us believe it would be traumatic for her to move in with her sister and live at my sister in law's house. Of course, we're biased, but really, I think the transition would go smoothly.

Thank you for the good suggestions and things to think about - this is very helpful.

I have to say that - if this were MY sibling's child? I would be willing to ruin my credit rating to get him/her to a safe place. ANY safe place.

Good point.

 

[acmb05]

Good. Then someone needs to find a way to make sacrifices to borrow the money, save the money by cutting expenses, or get a second job to earn the money so that you can hire an attorney.

While this person really needs to find a way to hire an attorney I just don't get some of the condescending attitude sometimes from some of the seniors here.

That's one of the things that really bugs me - and it happens all the time. People want to fight to get their kids when they obviously don't have any way to take care of them properly. KIDS ARE EXPENSIVE.

Sure it is expensive to raise a child but under most circumstances you are not required to pay $5000 up front like a lawyer would charge. Just because someone does not have that kind of money laying around does not mean that they don't have a way to take care of them.

Just to add, when I went to court I did not have an extra $1500.00 laying around that an attorney wanted as a down payment
but I took care of my 4 kids just fine.

 

[stealth2]

I don't know a whole lot about foster care law, only what I have been told.

And you had the NERVE to question MY knowledge? Bite the donkey at the end of the line!

 

[Proserpina]

While this person really needs to find a way to hire an attorney I just don't get some of the condescending attitude sometimes from some of the seniors here.




Sure it is expensive to raise a child but under most circumstances you are not required to pay $5000 up front like a lawyer would charge. Just because someone does not have that kind of money laying around does not mean that they don't have a way to take care of them.

Just to add, when I went to court I did not have an extra $1500.00 laying around that an attorney wanted as a down payment
but I took care of my 4 kids just fine.

That's actually a very valid point.

 

[pleasehelpmeout]

And you had the NERVE to question MY knowledge? Bite the donkey at the end of the line!

...

I brought up the fact that blood relatives get priority in foster care situations.
You brought up the fact that most foster children children are not living with relatives. This was why I was questioning your knowledge. What does your statement have to do with what the laws say? Who cares if most foster children are not living with relatives? We have relatives who are willing to take her, and she is in foster care, and the laws say that relatives get priority - that is all that should matter!

 

[stealth2]

Sure it is expensive to raise a child but under most circumstances you are not required to pay $5000 up front like a lawyer would charge. Just because someone does not have that kind of money laying around does not mean that they don't have a way to take care of them.

Just to add, when I went to court I did not have an extra $1500.00 laying around that an attorney wanted as a down payment
but I took care of my 4 kids just fine.

Thing is, acmbo, OP has stated that this multitude of family members apparently can't pull together enough between them for a lawyer. It makes one wonder.

 

[stealth2]

...

I brought up the fact that blood relatives get priority in foster care situations.
You brought up the fact that most foster children children are not living with relatives. This was why I was questioning your knowledge. What does your statement have to do with what the laws say? Who cares if most foster children are not living with relatives? We have relatives who are willing to take her, and she is in foster care, and the laws say that relatives get priority - that is all that should matter!

Uuuuh, schmoopie.... Read all the backtracking you've posted, and then come back and tell me how wrong I was.

Tell the SIL who is trying to get custody of the child to post here. She can't have any less reliable information that you do.

 

[pleasehelpmeout]

Thing is, acmbo, OP has stated that this multitude of family members apparently can't pull together enough between them for a lawyer. It makes one wonder.

It is NOT your place to wonder about my family's ability to take care of my niece.

Uuuuh, schmoopie.... Read all the backtracking you've posted, and then come back and tell me how wrong I was.

Tell the SIL who is trying to get custody of the child to post here. She can't have any less reliable information that you do.

Wow, more condescending attitude. Stealth, tell you what. Why don't you get out of this thread, and we can both lead better, happier lives.

Anyone else from freeadvice.com who actually wants to give some advice, and not judge me or give sarcastic answers, I'd love to hear from you.

 

[acmb05]

Thing is, acmbo, OP has stated that this multitude of family members apparently can't pull together enough between them for a lawyer. It makes one wonder.

I realize this OP may have that problem, however mistoffolees comment

People want to fight to get their kids when they obviously don't have any way to take care of them properly.

Makes it seem like she thinks that anyone who can't afford an attorney should not be fighting for their kids because they can't afford them. I myself found that statement rather offensive to me because I could not afford an attorney but yet I could afford to take care of my kids properly.

She was generalizing everyone that does not have those kinds of funds just laying around.

 

[Proserpina]

It is NOT your place to wonder about my family's ability to take care of my niece.

Stealth actually makes a good point too, pleasehelpmeout.

Because the question WILL be raised by the authorities.

 

[cjones]

I think the fostercare laws may not come into play here.
The way I understand it, she lived with her father- one of her closest blood relatives, and his girlfriend. Because the father is no longer in the home, it may not fall under the guidelines of foster care. While the girlfriend may receive benefits of foster care from the state, she seems to be using it in the manner it was intended-in caring for the child.
While you see it as being strictly a foster care environment, it could be argued that this girlfriend was more like a surrogate mother to the child.
Is the girlfriend open to allowing the family more time with the child? If possible, could you work out an agreement with her instead of fighting a lengthy expensive legal battle?
Has the child had overnight visits alone with the people wanting her to move into their house at all?
No matter how nurturing of an environment and how much you love this child, more than likely, there will be a lot of changes in the way each household is run etc which would mean the child would have to get used to something new- and this is a stressor for them no matter how loving the environment. How does the child handle new situations?
Maybe the girlfried would be willing to work with you on extended visits etc in order for the girl to know her family. You never know until you offer. Does this woman take good care of the child?
If possible, this may be the cheapest and best solution for everyone involved. If your SIL was awarded custody would the girlfriend have been cut completely out of the childs life because she wasn't a blood relative?

 

[Ohiogal]

...

I brought up the fact that blood relatives get priority in foster care situations.
You brought up the fact that most foster children children are not living with relatives. This was why I was questioning your knowledge. What does your statement have to do with what the laws say? Who cares if most foster children are not living with relatives? We have relatives who are willing to take her, and she is in foster care, and the laws say that relatives get priority - that is all that should matter!

Appropriate relatives have priority but the girlfriend may be considered a relative as well depending on caselaw. What criminal background exists? What has been the relationship between the child and the relatives? Does the child know the relatives to whom you refer?

 

[pleasehelpmeout]

Stealth actually makes a good point too, pleasehelpmeout.

Because the question WILL be raised by the authorities.

I understand that. But the assumptions, sarcasm, and condescending attitudes behind his posts are entirely unnecessary. A much better suggestion would be something like "Keep in mind that the authorities will look at a person's ability to pay for the expenses of raising a child." And even then, beyond that point, it is my business and the courts' business as to figuring out who is capable of taking care of the child, not an internet stranger making assumptions and judgments based off of very little information.

I think the fostercare laws may not come into play here.
The way I understand it, she lived with her father- one of her closest blood relatives, and his girlfriend. Because the father is no longer in the home, it may not fall under the guidelines of foster care. While the girlfriend may receive benefits of foster care from the state, she seems to be using it in the manner it was intended-in caring for the child.
While you see it as being strictly a foster care environment, it could be argued that this girlfriend was more like a surrogate mother to the child.
Is the girlfriend open to allowing the family more time with the child? If possible, could you work out an agreement with her instead of fighting a lengthy expensive legal battle?
Has the child had overnight visits alone with the people wanting her to move into their house at all?
No matter how nurturing of an environment and how much you love this child, more than likely, there will be a lot of changes in the way each household is run etc which would mean the child would have to get used to something new- and this is a stressor for them no matter how loving the environment. How does the child handle new situations?
Maybe the girlfried would be willing to work with you on extended visits etc in order for the girl to know her family. You never know until you offer. Does this woman take good care of the child?
If possible, this may be the cheapest and best solution for everyone involved. If your SIL was awarded custody would the girlfriend have been cut completely out of the childs life because she wasn't a blood relative?

Thanks for the information. I suppose that makes sense regarding foster care laws, I just don't like it.

Yes, overnight visits have been made. I don't believe any have been made very recently, but when her father was still with her, there were several overnight stays.

She takes decent physical care of her (though she is starting to become a bit obese), but we all question the mental care involved. The girlfriend makes my niece call her "mommy", even when my niece didn't want to.

It is possible she would be open to more/longer visitation - we will certainly be looking in to it.

No, we weren't planning on kicking the girlfriend out of her life immediately after a judgement, had the judgement gone our way. We planned on extended visitations, and slowly working our way down to shorter visitations, planning to keep those semi-permanently depending on what the girlfriend wanted to do at that point, and what we all felt was best for our niece.

Thank you for the well thought out and helpful post. You have a lot of good suggestions and reasoning, and I much appreciate it.

 

[pleasehelpmeout]

Appropriate relatives have priority but the girlfriend may be considered a relative as well depending on caselaw. What criminal background exists? What has been the relationship between the child and the relatives? Does the child know the relatives to whom you refer?

No criminal backgrounds in the sister-in-laws' family. There's a bit of a criminal history with my brother in law, but I don't believe that would come in to play here - at least, I never heard of anything related to him and this case being connected.

Our niece knows all of us, her aunts and uncles and real mother, grandma's, etc. She knows us enough to know all of our names, and loves to visit us. She has been over many times for various cousins' birthday parties, for holidays, for other family gatherings. We are certainly a part of her life.

I'd be interested in hearing more about how the girlfriend could be considered a relative by caselaw. Can you explain?