Reapproaching the Court

[yolandanewell]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

The divorce case between my exhusband and I became literally famous in my county when I filed for failure to pay support and he was finally convicted. Literally the day after he was served in July 2007 the chaos began - he generated multiple hearings - numerous false police reports - numerous false CPS reports and after he didn't succeed he produced a letter to the court ceasing all contact with the baby, who is now 6 - he was absent voluntarily for nearly one year... at the next hearing which happened last year he has now been confined to every other weekend visits with our little girl. Fast forwarding to the present.

He has been pretty much stopped in my county from filing more documents, the Chief of Police has placed a premise history on my home preventing him from sending MPD out.

Our daughter is now 6. These weekend visits were going fairly smoothly for a bit. Although he has failed to provide me with an address as he is ordered to do - I had to pick my battles wisely and just trust that she would be ok. As of the past few months, she has been uncharacteristically not wanting to visit with her dad. She has come home with stories of how they tell her that I'm going to jail and that she is called fat. I am a logical person and do my best to deal with her feelings and have engaged her in counseling with our local social services. She lives polar lives. I understand that I am lawfully responsible for making sure that she visits with her father. She comes home timid and worried that "mommy is going to jail". She has had multiple surgeries that cause a gag reflex if she attempts to eat particular textures - trying to explain to him that she has this problem falls on deaf ears and she is made to eat what is put in front of her or nothing at all. Last night I took her to the grocery store and we purchased what I know she will eat along with her supplemental drinks. He took the bag from her and threw it away in front of her. She just turned to me and I knew that he was in a "mood". She has not been physically harmed however the damage that is happening to her by way of my having to make her go is really worrying me for her.

What scares me now is that she is now being the focus of his attempts to aggitate me. We divorced because of physical violence. He was convicted once and reoffended a year later. I did not know of his violent tendencies until our wedding night which is when I found out that he had been on trial for attempted murder. She is getting a voice now and able to process right from wrong. My fear is that if she does something that reminds him too much of me that she will be hurt. His motives have NEVER been about the baby - they've always been targeted at me and making my life miserable. And anyone that knows me and how my daughter and I are - and the battles we have faced with this man - understand that the one way, the only way to get to me is to hurt her.

I have to be very careful with what I file with the courts - because of the nearly 2 dozen times he generated court hearings - the mediator firmly stated that she refused to ever set this matter up for review again. His visits with her have been reduced and stayed at alternate weekends. They don't want to see him in back in front of the court again. We tried the vexatious litigant route but that failed. So the best thing they could do was just not put the matter up for review. When I explained my fear that he would just keep filing Judge D stated very clearly that the documents would have to get through him first. My daughter is now starting to understand that something is not right. How do parents handle this situation?... she doesn't understand why I am cheerful when she gets to go with her dad because she is told that I am bad - she's confused.

What I would like to do is re-petition and have his overnight visits stopped. I have no problem with taking her to him Saturday Mornings, picking her up and then taking her back Sunday mornings. As I said, he's failed to provide his address to me and I have no idea of where she is at when she is gone.

Am I putting myself out there for more legal problems if I file the request and on the grounds that he has failed to provide a home address - discontinue her visits?

 

[mistoffolees]

I would go one step further. Ask for only supervised visitation. That will ensure that she gets food she can eat and that he can't try to alienate her against you.

The problem is that all of your evidence is hearsay (other than him throwing out the food you brought). That's going to make it hard to win - even with the court being on your side.

So I would probably file for temporary supervised visitation and a custody evaluation or GAL to determine if it should be made permanent.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

The divorce case between my exhusband and I became literally famous in my county when I filed for failure to pay support and he was finally convicted. Literally the day after he was served in July 2007 the chaos began - he generated multiple hearings - numerous false police reports - numerous false CPS reports and after he didn't succeed he produced a letter to the court ceasing all contact with the baby, who is now 6 - he was absent voluntarily for nearly one year... at the next hearing which happened last year he has now been confined to every other weekend visits with our little girl. Fast forwarding to the present.

He has been pretty much stopped in my county from filing more documents, the Chief of Police has placed a premise history on my home preventing him from sending MPD out.

Our daughter is now 6. These weekend visits were going fairly smoothly for a bit. Although he has failed to provide me with an address as he is ordered to do - I had to pick my battles wisely and just trust that she would be ok. As of the past few months, she has been uncharacteristically not wanting to visit with her dad. She has come home with stories of how they tell her that I'm going to jail and that she is called fat. I am a logical person and do my best to deal with her feelings and have engaged her in counseling with our local social services. She lives polar lives. I understand that I am lawfully responsible for making sure that she visits with her father. She comes home timid and worried that "mommy is going to jail". She has had multiple surgeries that cause a gag reflex if she attempts to eat particular textures - trying to explain to him that she has this problem falls on deaf ears and she is made to eat what is put in front of her or nothing at all. Last night I took her to the grocery store and we purchased what I know she will eat along with her supplemental drinks. He took the bag from her and threw it away in front of her. She just turned to me and I knew that he was in a "mood". She has not been physically harmed however the damage that is happening to her by way of my having to make her go is really worrying me for her.

What scares me now is that she is now being the focus of his attempts to aggitate me. We divorced because of physical violence. He was convicted once and reoffended a year later. I did not know of his violent tendencies until our wedding night which is when I found out that he had been on trial for attempted murder. She is getting a voice now and able to process right from wrong. My fear is that if she does something that reminds him too much of me that she will be hurt. His motives have NEVER been about the baby - they've always been targeted at me and making my life miserable. And anyone that knows me and how my daughter and I are - and the battles we have faced with this man - understand that the one way, the only way to get to me is to hurt her.

I have to be very careful with what I file with the courts - because of the nearly 2 dozen times he generated court hearings - the mediator firmly stated that she refused to ever set this matter up for review again. His visits with her have been reduced and stayed at alternate weekends. They don't want to see him in back in front of the court again. We tried the vexatious litigant route but that failed. So the best thing they could do was just not put the matter up for review. When I explained my fear that he would just keep filing Judge D stated very clearly that the documents would have to get through him first. My daughter is now starting to understand that something is not right. How do parents handle this situation?... she doesn't understand why I am cheerful when she gets to go with her dad because she is told that I am bad - she's confused.

What I would like to do is re-petition and have his overnight visits stopped. I have no problem with taking her to him Saturday Mornings, picking her up and then taking her back Sunday mornings. As I said, he's failed to provide his address to me and I have no idea of where she is at when she is gone.

Am I putting myself out there for more legal problems if I file the request and on the grounds that he has failed to provide a home address - discontinue her visits?

I would honestly recommend that you talk to a local attorney who is specifically familiar with the climate of your courts.

However, I would be really concerned that anything that you might do might escalate dad's anger and behavior...perhaps putting either you or your daughter at greater risk.

 

[yolandanewell]

Thank you

I will request supervised visitation and offer to pay for it. We have a service here called Sierra Vista Childrens Center that offers that type of environment. I do not believe this is an unreasonable request. Thank you for the guidance.

Is it appropriate for me to base my request off of our daughters recent and uncharacteristic hesitancy and resistance to visits?

 

[gr8rn]

As for the fact he has not given you an address: If the courts won't help, you have to take matters in your own hands: have a trusted friend, family member,significant other, a good driver follow him after the next exchange.

 

[yolandanewell]

Thank you

I will take that advice. It's hard to involve people with him though. Most have watched what he is capable of and are also fearful of them. She is armed with my phone number and how to call 911. I think I need to invest in one of those child friendly phones to send with her.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

As for the fact he has not given you an address: If the courts won't help, you have to take matters in your own hands: have a trusted friend, family member,significant other, a good driver follow him after the next exchange.

I'm not sure that this bit of advice is good. Legally speaking, of course. I'd be concerned that he would construe this as stalking or something of that nature. I'd just make darned sure that this doesn't violate any kind of privacy laws, etc before I went this route, especially considering his apparent violate nature.

 

[acmb05]

I would go one step further. Ask for only supervised visitation. That will ensure that she gets food she can eat and that he can't try to alienate her against you.

The problem is that all of your evidence is hearsay (other than him throwing out the food you brought). That's going to make it hard to win - even with the court being on your side.

So I would probably file for temporary supervised visitation and a custody evaluation or GAL to determine if it should be made permanent.

Doesn't she need proof before they will do supervised visits. I really don't think they are going to take the word of a 6 year old.

Even temp supervised would be a stretch. The only thing she has proof of is he has not provided an address.

 

[tjk]

Hire a PI to follow when you do the exchange. The cost should be minimal just to find out an address. This keeps your friends/relatives out of being accused of stalking and IF your ex did by some chance find out then you have a legit reason for doing it.

As far as the supervised visits go, if needing more than the word of a 6 year old is needed then maybe reports from the child's counselor or therapist? Maybe one of the senior members could comment on this.

I think offering to pay for the supervised visits could be opening another can of worms. Your ex could just use this as another way to jerk you around if the place you take your daughter for the supervised visits charges for no shows.

Just taking away the overnights will not eliminate the problems your child is experiencing. In addition to the supervised visits I would request the court to order parenting classes for him.

 

[stealth2]

Doesn't she need proof before they will do supervised visits. I really don't think they are going to take the word of a 6 year old.

Even temp supervised would be a stretch. The only thing she has proof of is he has not provided an address.

I tend to agree with this. OP needs to have more than just what her daughter has told her. Best course of action would be counseling, IMO.

 

[mistoffolees]

Doesn't she need proof before they will do supervised visits. I really don't think they are going to take the word of a 6 year old.

Even temp supervised would be a stretch. The only thing she has proof of is he has not provided an address.

I agree - there is limited evidence.

HOWEVER, given the lack of an address and the concerns being expressed, she could certainly ask for a GAL - and it would not be unreasonable to ASK for supervised visitation until the GAL files a report. Not all judges would grant it, but I'd get it on the record that it was requested.

 

[yolandanewell]

Just taking away the overnights will not eliminate the problems your child is experiencing. In addition to the supervised visits I would request the court to order parenting classes for him.

Thank you. Maybe I am misunderstanding supervised visitation at Sierra Vista. It was my understanding that they are for daytime hours, under the careful watch of staff members. Wouldn't this mean that he probably wouldn't speak of negatively toward her - as well as be on his best behavior?

I requested co-parenting classes. There were ordered in 2008 in and among the many hearings that were generated by him...I went and paid for them and he did not. Court didn't enforce it and actually told me that "you two will never get along anyway so I don't think classes will help".

 

[gr8rn]

I'm not sure that this bit of advice is good. Legally speaking, of course. I'd be concerned that he would construe this as stalking or something of that nature. I'd just make darned sure that this doesn't violate any kind of privacy laws, etc before I went this route, especially considering his apparent violate nature.

Yeah, maybe so, but the other parent should be providing her with an address where her child is going, if nothing else for peace of mind.

My ex pulled the same thing, So he was so happy and pleased with his anonymous residence that he took to calling me drunk in the middle of the night while he had visitation, he would make my son scream then hang up the phone. I was paying him spousal support and my attorney so I had no extra money. My boyfriend followed him home after he picked up my son for his next visit. problem solved. Sometimes people don't have the resources for a PI..The next time the father pulled his crap.. I called the police in his borough for a wellness check. He stopped that tactic all together once he knew I had his address.

 

[yolandanewell]

I agree - there is limited evidence.

HOWEVER, given the lack of an address and the concerns being expressed, she could certainly ask for a GAL - and it would not be unreasonable to ASK for supervised visitation until the GAL files a report. Not all judges would grant it, but I'd get it on the record that it was requested.

I am not familiar with GAL? I will google it. The mediator as well as Judge D are quite familiar with my exhusbands defiant nature. There is a very good reason why they have limited his visits already as well as stopped him from generating more hearings regarding custody. We have had this new weekend only visit arrangement now for nearly a year. She is uncharacteristically not wanting to go. This is what is concerning. I do have to weed through what is said and use my logic because afterall, she is six. Her child care provider has had her since before she was two and has started noticing my daughter not wanting to go as well. This is totally unlike her. Combined with her "stories" then his outright admissions of not wanting to work with her regarding food AND still causing comotion at exchanges - I'm really hoping that they will understand that this truly is the next logical step.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

Yeah, maybe so, but the other parent should be providing her with an address where her child is going, if nothing else for peace of mind.

My ex pulled the same thing, So he was so happy and pleased with his anonymous residence that he took to calling me drunk in the middle of the night while he had visitation, he would make my son scream then hang up the phone. I was paying him spousal support and my attorney so I had no extra money. My boyfriend followed him home after he picked up my son for his next visit. problem solved. Sometimes people don't have the resources for a PI..The next time the father pulled his crap.. I called the police in his borough for a wellness check. He stopped that tactic all together once he knew I had his address.

Of COURSE the other parent has a right to know that information, HOWEVER, there are other ways to go about getting that information, other than possibly putting the chosen tail in physical or legal danger.