Shared Parenting Question about Counseling

[mcwjjm]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio My children's mother and I have a shared parenting order. We were never married, I'm the custodial and she has weekly visitiation. Just received a letter from my health care provider agreeing to counseling for our oldest child [8]. We have never talked about this. This is not a joint decision, this is her's alone. I spoke with both of our children and they said it wasn't their idea. Both children are well-adjusted and doing well in school, if I felt the services were needed I wouldn't have a problem but I see this as little more than another ploy in her attempts to regain custody. I provide healthcare for our children and nothing was mentioned in the court about sharing expenses. I didn't ask or received CS from her. Is this something I have to go along with? I have a HSA so I'm responsible for costs of services until the deductable is met. Is it reasonable to expect her to split the cost of these sessions? Is it reasonable to be a part of the counseling sessions for our children? Would the counselor have to comply with this request? Thanks in advance.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio My children's mother and I have a shared parenting order. We were never married, I'm the custodial and she has weekly visitiation. Just received a letter from my health care provider agreeing to counseling for our oldest child [8]. We have never talked about this. This is not a joint decision, this is her's alone. I spoke with both of our children and they said it wasn't their idea. Both children are well-adjusted and doing well in school, if I felt the services were needed I wouldn't have a problem but I see this as little more than another ploy in her attempts to regain custody. I provide healthcare for our children and nothing was mentioned in the court about sharing expenses. I didn't ask or received CS from her. Is this something I have to go along with? I have a HSA so I'm responsible for costs of services until the deductable is met. Is it reasonable to expect her to split the cost of these sessions? Is it reasonable to be a part of the counseling sessions for our children? Would the counselor have to comply with this request? Thanks in advance.

Parents generally are not part of children's counseling sessions. The whole point of counseling is for the children to have someone objective to talk to. Counselors sometimes speak to parents separately, and maybe once in a while would have a joint session with the parents and children if the counselor felt it was needed, but mostly they would be talking to the children alone.

You can temporarily stop counseling from happening since this is the kind of decision that is supposed to be made jointly, but its fairly rare for a judge to deny counseling for children when one parent thinks it would be helpful and the other doesn't.

 

[Ohiogal]

Does mom have joint legal custody?

 

[LdiJ]

Does mom have joint legal custody?

Shared parenting does not include joint legal? Does that have to be addressed separately?

 

[mcwjjm]

Does mom have joint legal custody?

We have a Shared Parenting Decree from the magistate effective November of 2009. It states...

2.

A. Legal Custodians. Father and mother are both residentiai parents and legal custodians of children.


1.

B. Consulation and Decision Making. Father and mother shall consult with each other in advance about all major educational, medical and extracurricular activity, and other issues children's health and well-being. Father and mother shall use their best effort to make major decisions concerning the children jointly.

It further states that "Father shall pay 100% of all medical and other health care expenses for children that are not covered by insurance".

So I'm on the hook for the counseling.

 

[mistoffolees]

We have a Shared Parenting Decree from the magistate effective November of 2009. It states...

B. Consulation and Decision Making. Father and mother shall consult with each other in advance about all major educational, medical and extracurricular activity, and other issues children's health and well-being. Father and mother shall use their best effort to make major decisions concerning the children jointly.

It further states that "Father shall pay 100% of all medical and other health care expenses for children that are not covered by insurance".

So I'm on the hook for the counseling.

Maybe.

You could go to court to get an order for ex to pay since she didn't talk with you. She would have to explain to the court why didn't make that decision jointly with you.

I'm not sure what your chances are of getting her ordered to pay it - a local attorney would have a better feel for how a judge might rule.

 

[mcwjjm]

Parents generally are not part of children's counseling sessions. The whole point of counseling is for the children to have someone objective to talk to. Counselors sometimes speak to parents separately, and maybe once in a while would have a joint session with the parents and children if the counselor felt it was needed, but mostly they would be talking to the children alone.

I'm familiar with the process as I went through with another stepchild. I would just like to be involved with the process and speak with the counselor as to their findings and have input. I understand I wouldn't be in the room during their private sessions though sometimes they have joint sessions.

 

[LdiJ]

We have a Shared Parenting Decree from the magistate effective November of 2009. It states...

B. Consulation and Decision Making. Father and mother shall consult with each other in advance about all major educational, medical and extracurricular activity, and other issues children's health and well-being. Father and mother shall use their best effort to make major decisions concerning the children jointly.

It further states that "Father shall pay 100% of all medical and other health care expenses for children that are not covered by insurance".

So I'm on the hook for the counseling.

Dad, I have just reviewed your posting history. With what has gone on with your other child (who is in your custody) I think that mom could fairly easily make a case to a judge that your two children with her would benefit from counseling.

If fact, since mom has had some issues as well, I am kind of surprised that you don't think that they would benefit from counseling.

 

[mcwjjm]

LdiJ, I agree the children have been through a difficult transition but unlike the stepchild I mentioned they have adjusted, I feel remarkably well. They are both doing very well in school. I've spoken with their teachers on numerous ocassions about what was going on with us and asked if they noticed any issues emotionally or academically that I should be aware of. They said that they both appeared to be happy and model students. Having lived with a child that suffered from depression and gone through extensive counseling I feel that both of our children are happy and not in need of services. I'm sure, like any child, they would prefer to not having have the current living arrangements but inspite of that they seem to have adjusted. I should also add the both children often attended their brother's joint counseling sessions. No, they weren't a part of that process but they were observed and at no point was it suggested that I should consider counseling for them.

My concern is her using this as another plot to regain custody. That in her mind while the children have been primarally living with me since July 2009 that they have suffered and that she would use this to show the magistrate they would be better off living with her. My children recently told me she asked them to tell their teachers that I've been abusive.

 

[LdiJ]

LdiJ, I agree the children have been through a difficult transition but unlike the stepchild I mentioned they have adjusted, I feel remarkably well. They are both doing very well in school. I've spoken with their teachers on numerous ocassions about what was going on with us and asked if they noticed any issues emotionally or academically that I should be aware of. They said that they both appeared to be happy and model students. Having lived with a child that suffered from depression and gone through extensive counseling I feel that both of our children are happy and not in need of services. I'm sure, like any child, they would prefer to not having have the current living arrangements but inspite of that they seem to have adjusted. I should also add the both children often attended their brother's joint counseling sessions. No, they weren't a part of that process but they were observed and at no point was it suggested that I should consider counseling for them.

My concern is her using this as another plot to regain custody. That in her mind while the children have been primarally living with me since July 2009 that they have suffered and that she would use this to show the magistrate they would be better off living with her. My children recently told me she asked them to tell their teachers that I've been abusive.

That just seems to me like something that would make it even more important for the children to have counseling.

 

[mistoffolees]

That just seems to me like something that would make it even more important for the children to have counseling.

Maybe, but even if I felt that the child needed counseling, I'd sure as heck want to be involved in choosing the counselor - particularly when ex is trying to conjure up stories and get the kids to present them.

 

[mcwjjm]

That just seems to me like something that would make it even more important for the children to have counseling.

You may be right. I know when they told me they both had tears in their eyes and felt caught in the middle, wanting to please both of us or not get either in trouble. Can't believe she would do that to a 7 and 8 YO. But after our discussion they seem ok. I just know she's doing this to paint me out as unfit.

I'm waiting on a callback from the intake coordinator for the provider she chose. I just found out that the counselor is out of network so if she takes the kid's she'll have to pay up front - I think that may put a stop to it. Of course, she'll tell me I need to pay but since I don't feel they need services or have a court order requesting said services I'm not obligated [to pay on her terms]. I'll also see how receptive they are to my involvement and disclosure of information to me should services be provided.

 

[Ohiogal]

Shared parenting does not include joint legal? Does that have to be addressed separately?

Shared parenting DOES NOT necessarily mean joint physical or legal. You can have shared parenting without shared custody.

 

[Ohiogal]

You may be right. I know when they told me they both had tears in their eyes and felt caught in the middle, wanting to please both of us or not get either in trouble. Can't believe she would do that to a 7 and 8 YO. But after our discussion they seem ok. I just know she's doing this to paint me out as unfit.

I'm waiting on a callback from the intake coordinator for the provider she chose. I just found out that the counselor is out of network so if she takes the kid's she'll have to pay up front - I think that may put a stop to it. Of course, she'll tell me I need to pay but since I don't feel they need services or have a court order requesting said services I'm not obligated [to pay on her terms]. I'll also see how receptive they are to my involvement and disclosure of information to me should services be provided.

The counselors have to allow you to be as involved as mom. You are JOINT legal custodians. Most will not have the parents present in the room but will ask the parents before the session if there are any concerns that may need discussed (normally out of earshot of the child). You will want to touch base with the counselor and explain what the children have told you.

If mom is trying to manipulate the situation this could backfire upon her.

 

[CJane]

If mom is trying to manipulate the situation this could backfire upon her.

This is what I was thinking.

Also, if Mom had reason to believe that your attitude towards counseling would be as you've presented here -- that it's wholly unnecessary, that IF you agree to it, you get to choose the counselor, that it's just a ploy by Mom to gain custody, etc -- a judge might just let things fall under this portion of the clause and believe that Mom made the decision to not discuss in advance because she knew there would be no agreement.

"Father and mother shall use their best effort to make major decisions concerning the children jointly."