in home supervised visitation with an infant?

[lala0024]

1. You cannot play moral high ground when arguing over visitation with a man who fathered your child when you both knew he was married.

2. Why you would want to hang out with him in your home while breastfeeding every 30 minutes is beyond me.

3. What are the chances wifey is going to go for him hanging out with you for "supervised" visitation w/the child he fathered with YOU while married to HER? She's very likely to feel like the two of you should be supervised.

4. Are you willing to allow the child's step mom into your home to ensure that her husband isn't sleeping with you while visiting his child -- ya know, just until the two of you have the "hang" of not schtupping behind her back?

1. I'm not trying to. I'm just trying to deal with a complicated situation. Whether I knew he was married or not doesn't change the fact that I am the baby's mother and am nervous about what the future holds.

2. I don't 'want' to. But I'm sure the wife doesn't want me around her or at her home and I'm just not personally ready to hand my baby off to a man (father or not) that knows nothing about him. He doesn't even know his name or his birth=date right now for example. So I'd rather he be at my home where i know the baby is safe and in familar surroundings and with familar people.
As far as b-feeding goes.. I wouldn't have pulled one out in front of him (god no!) I had every intent of going in my room for those moments of nursing.

3. Those chances are slim I'm sure and that is the reason why I wanted a legal perspective on what would happen if she made him take me to court to fight my wishes. I understand she might feel the need for us to be supervised but she also should keep in mind that this really isn't about her anymore. It's about the baby and I would hope about both parents finding a comfortable compromise on how to handle visitation for the baby. If she is still distrusting of her husband (as she should be) she should probably consider getting a divorce because last time I checked if there's no trust the relationship isn't going to work out.

4. Not at this time I am not. this is a hard situation for me to deal with an honestly I don't even want to see or deal with the dad much less him AND his wife right now. I will have family at the home and above that.. have Noooo interest in her husband. Once I learned the truth of his lies and true character I dropped him like a bad habit.
I've spent the last 8 months assuming the worst because he gave me no explanation or warning about him trying to save his marriage and having to cut me out of his life. I understand why he had to but the guy could have gave me a heads up instead of dropping off the face of the Earth and leaving me thinking he was going to leave the country or something (yes I have an imagination when I panic). He just popped back into my world without warning less than 2 weeks ago so this is going to take me some time to adjust to.

Again... if she can't trust her husband she should consider a divorce.

 

[stealth2]

Ok lol.. you're right I doubt there are police reports especially since from what I hear when she did give him his 'beatings' it was over him and his wandering eye/junk so I doubt he'd file a report.

But agreed with the bold part. I actually broke up with him before his houdini act because I caught him in a lie and trying to sleep with another woman by making a fake email account and testing him because I just had a feeling he was up to no good. It was one thing to believe he was some poor sweet guy who just married the wrong person and was in love with me, but after doing some detective work I found out all sorts of crazy things and seriously- she can have her "prize" lol.

I was only trying to keep in contact with him and remain parental friends because he was the father. He probably would have been there through out the pregnancy if I didn't make sure his wife found out about everything since he was too spineless to tell her the truth on his own.

This is why I said she has no self esteem that's the only reason I can come up with for any woman staying with a guy like him. I do feel bad for her but not too bad since she clearly is choosing to stay with him. I believe we teach people how to treat us and all she is teaching him is that it's ok to lie and cheat and put her health at risk.
Its even more sad since she stays and she makes more than him and the only thing they have is a house they've had for less than 2 years. I guess I'm actually jealous of her because she really is free to leave the B.S. anytime she chooses. Me on the other hand... I'm pretty much stuck dealing with this man for the next 18 years to life when he's the last person I want to see or talk to

Oh please. What kind of self esteem does it take to take another woman's sloppy seconds? Look in the mirror before pointing fingers, cupcake.

 

[nextwife]

Know what? Wife of dad is not a party to this. So leave her out of the discussion. Unless you have actual legal evidence (convictions, police reports, etc.) claims about what wifey may do are merely rumors.

Bottom line is this: You schtupped another woman's husband, made a baby with him who is now VERY young newborn, and are all bent out of shape because he picked his wife over you.

In an UNMARRIED situation LEGALLY he is NOT dad until there is a live birth AND a legal paternity establishment. Another woman's husband CANNOT legally "abandon" a person to whom he is not married.

Dad will have the right to be dad to his child, in his home. Deal with it. You really have a lot of CHUTZPA. You chose to mess around with another woman's husband and then try to use the fact he is married to her as an excuse to limit his parenting access.

In MOST unmarried newborn situations the child has not spend as much time with dad, because they live with mom. But the child can very quickly get to know dad if given the access to the child. As CJane pointed out, expecting married Dad to have his baby time alone with just you is ridiculous. No way would any wife allow the very recently ex paramour that sort of private access to their hubby!

 

[Ohiogal]

Ok lol.. you're right I doubt there are police reports especially since from what I hear when she did give him his 'beatings' it was over him and his wandering eye/junk so I doubt he'd file a report.

But agreed with the bold part. I actually broke up with him before his houdini act because I caught him in a lie and trying to sleep with another woman by making a fake email account and testing him because I just had a feeling he was up to no good. It was one thing to believe he was some poor sweet guy who just married the wrong person and was in love with me, but after doing some detective work I found out all sorts of crazy things and seriously- she can have her "prize" lol.

You are a piece of work. He cheated WITH YOU so of course he is going to cheat on you. You were nothing but an easy roll in the sack who would spread your legs for him while he was married. There are more of you out there. You were NOT special. Get that through your thick skull. You were nothing more than the latest easy piece that would screw him. Up to no good? He was up to no good when he was placing his penis in your vagina. Of course at that point YOU were up to no good with him.

I was only trying to keep in contact with him and remain parental friends because he was the father. He probably would have been there through out the pregnancy if I didn't make sure his wife found out about everything since he was too spineless to tell her the truth on his own.

So you were ticked off that he refused to leave her and struck out by telling the "violent wife" that you were screwing her husband every chance you got? Oh okay.

This is why I said she has no self esteem that's the only reason I can come up with for any woman staying with a guy like him. I do feel bad for her but not too bad since she clearly is choosing to stay with him. I believe we teach people how to treat us and all she is teaching him is that it's ok to lie and cheat and put her health at risk.

And how much self esteem did it take you to settle for being someone's piece on the side? Not much apparently. What about your health? You seem to believe you are better than the wife yet you were the lowlife who helped the husband cheat.

Its even more sad since she stays and she makes more than him and the only thing they have is a house they've had for less than 2 years. I guess I'm actually jealous of her because she really is free to leave the B.S. anytime she chooses. Me on the other hand... I'm pretty much stuck dealing with this man for the next 18 years to life when he's the last person I want to see or talk to

You are bitter because she still has him. You were nothing to him but now you have to deal with the fact that you need to put up with him and her. She apparently is more important to him than you ever were.

 

[stealth2]

Gee - why don't you tell us how you REALLY feel, OG!

 

[Ohiogal]

Gee - why don't you tell us how you REALLY feel, OG!

I can't or I will be banned.

 

[CourtClerk]

This is why I said she has no self esteem that's the only reason I can come up with for any woman staying with a guy like him.

LMAOOOOOOOO.... This is laughable. Completely laughable.

Pot, meet kettle. She's got low self esteem, but you're sleeping with someone you KNOW is someone else's husband. What do YOU have?

LMAOOOOOOOOO.... oh geezus. This is hilarious.

 

[Proserpina]

Now now, enough with the endless hilarity.

Or I shall have to bring out Bob, and Big Yellow.

 

[cyjeff]

Ya know what's funny?

A woman that is sleeping with a married man that gets angry when she finds out he is a cheater.

Really?

The guy cheating on his wife with you is a cheater? Really?

Who'd have thought THAT could happen?

I am continually amazed that the other woman thinks that the cheating waste of skin isn't going to cheat on HER.

I guess you should have asked for the divorce papers before you started making yourself all available, darling. Now you don't get to control any aspect of his life whatsoever.

If you wanted better control over your child, marry the father.... first.

Otherwise, be prepared to be a part time parent for the rest of your life.

 

[InfantCustody]

I am going to respond on two levels...one as the mother of a 9 week old baby and the second from the legal learning I have done over the past 3 months.

As a Mother...I can relate to how you feel, but I can also say that you are simply prolonging the future. My son was born 9 weeks ago, and it has been a prolonged soap opera and drama. Dad is demaning to see "his child" one minute and disappears for 16 days the next minute. My son has been in and out of the hospital, has medical problems, etc. As a Mother, you want to tuck your child in and be with them every second, but the reality is the baby has two parents. The baby has a right to spend time with both.

As I wanted everything legally defined, I went ahead and filed court papers for custody...if Dad works with me to create and agreement fine but if not, the judge can make his or her decision. One way or another, an agreement should always be in place and signed by a judge.

My sons Father hasn't seen him in a month (by his choice), but starting on Monday he will see him 3x this coming week with my being there to be sure the baby will take a bottle from him (he is breastfed) and after that, he will have him 6 hours, 2x/wk. Am I happy about it? Yes and No. The baby needs to know Dad and the older he gets, the harder it will be for him to get to know his Dad. If a baby can be loved by both parents, from birth, then no one should stand in the way of that relationship. Do I worry? OBSESSIVELY! But it isn't going to change the future and I will waste my life away worrying so I have come to a happy place (don't you love anti-depressants?? ) with the situation. Plus, hey, I will get a few hours to go to the store, take a shower, do nothing, be me!?

As far as breastfeeding...my son was the same way. He wanted to eat non-stop. The lactation consultants said he either was snacking, which he didn't need to do, or I wasn't making enough milk. I started pumping and bottle feeding him the breastmilk and as it turns out it was a combination of both. He now eats 75% breastmilk, 25% prescription formula. I am able to pump enough to keep up supply and he nurses directly 2-3 times a day. The lactation consultants also pointed out that pumping will be EASIER once he goes with Dad as then he won't be there and need to eat, and have me need to pump. Dad will feed the frozen milk, I will pump and replace it in the freezer. Bit by bit, I have frozen 80 ozs of breastmilk in the last month...from 5-9 weeks...so Dad has the milk for when his time begins.

I would recommend you take a deep breath and try to re-adjust your vision. Consider the following...

You can:

Limit visitation to being in your home until there is a court order, but that may not be best for the baby. A court will not restrict visitation to your home after 2 months...baby could be in daycare...he can certainly visit Daddy's house.

Get a court order defining visitation and custody

Get state ordered child support

You cannot:

Restrict who Dad has around the baby in his time unless they are going to harm the child and there are police reports and a proven track record to back up your beliefs. His Wife is certainly not going to be prohibited unless she is psychotic.

Restrict visitation to your home, supervised by you, in the long term.

Prevent Dad from seeing the baby because you breastfeed. That is what pumps are for, and if needed, formula. My son is no worse off because he drinks 25% formula.

It may not be what you want to do, but the sooner you begin to accept the reality of your sitation the easier it will be for everyone. You had a child with a married man...he (and his wife) are going to spend time with the baby. If you didn't want it like that...you shouldn't have slept with a married man!

 

[ecmst12]

If he cheats WITH you, he'll cheat ON you. Basic common sense. Perhaps his wife knew he was a cheater and married him anyway. Perhaps she knows he will continue to cheat, but stays with him because he is otherwise a good husband. Not everyone puts such a high premium on monogamy. But if you do, then it should be obvious that someone else's husband is not a good man for you.

You can continue to breastfeed as much as you want. Dad can feed her formula when she is with him. You can pump while baby is with dad. Then freeze it and save it to send to day care later, or to give to dad for future visits if he wants to give it to her.

It's normal to nurse that often though, breast milk is digested faster then formula so they get hungry sooner. Your production should increase and she will grow so she can eat more at one time. It will get better soon. But the baby doesn't need to be EXCLUSIVELY breast fed to get the benefits of breastfeeding.

 

[2isbetter]

You can exclusively breastfeed, which is best for baby and provide plenty for dad to visit with the child.

I breastfed my 1st child, went to college full time, and dad visited for several hours every other day, plus 3 weekends a month, 6 hours on 1 day and 3 on the other for a year. My child was allergic to all forumla.

She is not breastfeeding properly, a child this young should be feeding every 2-3 hours. You must breastfeed at each feeding fully so the baby gets the hindmilk, which is where all the fat is. Feeding for short periods and allowing baby to fall asleep is not letting the baby get the hindmilk.

Your local hospital should have a lactation consultant, call up there and make appt to see them, it was free. If they do not then you can look up the La Leche League, you can ask the baby's Ped or there is tons of other info online concerning breastfeeding.

Once you get that child feeding fully and getting the hindmilk, he will go the 2-3 hours between feeding, you can then start pumping after every feeding. You can freeze the breastmilk for dad to have visits. As I said I did this for a year for both dad's visits and my college classes. There is no need if you get the correct info on breastfeeding and start pumping after each feeding to every introduce formula. It's a pain in the butt, but with patience, correct info on breastfeeding you can provide baby the best and have Dad getting plenty of time on his own with baby, which is the best to.

As for the rest, you better get over your trying to control this situation, cause Dad will get visits, and he will get unsupervised. The sooner you get this, the better off you will be. Also all this worry and stress can mess with your breastmilk production.

 

[CJane]

She is not breastfeeding properly, a child this young should be feeding every 2-3 hours.

HA! I don't think any of my 3 kids ever went 2-3 hours between feedings except at night. Of course, they were monstrous children @ birth and didn't stop growing once outta there. But I would have gladly sold organs and appendages to be able to go more than an hour between feedings with any one of them. (And yes, I spoke with lactation consultants)

At 6 weeks, my now 13 year old was getting pumped breast milk so I could more closely monitor her intake. She was eating 9 oz every 90 minutes throughout the day.Considering the average child that age is getting 4-5 oz, it's not wonder it seemed like she was eating constantly. She was.

I'm not convinced that any of the kids go 3 hours between feedings NOW and they're 13, 10 and almost 5.

 

[stealth2]

I'm not convinced that any of the kids go 3 hours between feedings NOW and they're 13, 10 and almost 5.

MY youngest sure doesn't! And we're not even talking snacks at those intervals! Try full-on meals!

 

[CJane]

MY youngest sure doesn't! And we're not even talking snacks at those intervals! Try full-on meals!

Exactly! And I don't know where they get it. Most of the time, I have to remind myself to eat or I'll suddenly realize I've eaten nothing all day. But them? Geebus, everything revolves around their next meal.