Does this constitute defamation/slander and is it actionable?

[NDickinson]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Arizona

So as to not sound like a huge whiner (which I'm sure will still be said) I have been putting up with the maligning of my character from this person for 18 years. It is my husband's ex-wife. My husband and I always felt she would stop after a certain period of time and move on. Recently, we found out this wasn't the case.

Background:

Nearly 20 years ago, my husband was deployed for the first Gulf War. While he was gone, his ex-wife moved in another man. When he returned, she met him at the airport, hugged him, stood back and her now live-in boyfriend served him with the divorce filing. 4.5 months into their divorce, he and I met, 6 months after that we married and have remained married for over 18 years now.

Fast forward to nearly two weeks ago... Sadly, my step-daughter's son was killed by her boyfriend in Denver (and please, can we not get into a huge discussion about that? I KNOW she made a huge, tremendous mistake - one that cost her my grandson - we're still stinging, needless to say) and while my husband rushed to get there, I was asked by several parties to stay away as it would "upset" my husband's ex-wife. My step-daughter wanted me there. My husband wanted me there. It was "everyone else" who let me know I wasn't wanted there. I was told if I showed up the police would be called.

While there, my husband learned, in talking to the paternal grandmother (the baby daddy) what was behind all this. Since they came into the life of my husband's ex-wife three years ago, she has been filling everyone with horror stories about me, beginning with my being the reason their marriage was broken. She's told people, ad nauseum, 15 years after the fact, that my husband and I had an illicit affair while he was married to her and THAT'S why their marriage broke up. There are many, many other lies she's apparently told but "this one" was the reason I was rendered unable to comfort both my step-daughter and my husband during an extremely difficult time. THIS is why I was rendered unable to say goodbye to my grandson as his ex declared, "If SHE shows up here, I'll kick her ass!"

In attempting to spare my step-daughter the further trauma of dealing with her obviously mentally ill mother (there were other incidents, including chewing out my step-daughter in the ICU waiting room about her "...choices in men" but that's another story all together) I opted to stay away - and I'm angry and hurt about it. I can never get this back - there are no do overs in life.

I've had it, to say the least. She KNOWS the truth yet she tells her lies. I can gather people who would give testimony this is what she told them. What she's done is purely malicious.

I missed an incredibly important time in the life of my step-daughter, who considers me more of a mother than her own mother, due to her mother's malicious nature and inability to accept the choices she made in life. In addition, her boyfriend at the time signed the certificate that HE served the divorce paperwork on my husband. How does one get around explaining that?

Is this actionable? She's in a position that a judgment CAN be enforced, if in no other way than garnishment, which I would happily do.

 

[Silverplum]

This is a matter of hurt feelings. I don't see anything illegal, IMHO.

My Rx would be forgiveness.

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Arizona

So as to not sound like a huge whiner (which I'm sure will still be said) I have been putting up with the maligning of my character from this person for 18 years. It is my husband's ex-wife. My husband and I always felt she would stop after a certain period of time and move on. Recently, we found out this wasn't the case.

Background:

Nearly 20 years ago, my husband was deployed for the first Gulf War. While he was gone, his ex-wife moved in another man. When he returned, she met him at the airport, hugged him, stood back and her now live-in boyfriend served him with the divorce filing. 4.5 months into their divorce, he and I met, 6 months after that we married and have remained married for over 18 years now.

Fast forward to nearly two weeks ago... Sadly, my step-daughter's son was killed by her boyfriend in Denver (and please, can we not get into a huge discussion about that? I KNOW she made a huge, tremendous mistake - one that cost her my grandson - we're still stinging, needless to say) and while my husband rushed to get there, I was asked by several parties to stay away as it would "upset" my husband's ex-wife. My step-daughter wanted me there. My husband wanted me there. It was "everyone else" who let me know I wasn't wanted there. I was told if I showed up the police would be called.

While there, my husband learned, in talking to the paternal grandmother (the baby daddy) what was behind all this. Since they came into the life of my husband's ex-wife three years ago, she has been filling everyone with horror stories about me, beginning with my being the reason their marriage was broken. She's told people, ad nauseum, 15 years after the fact, that my husband and I had an illicit affair while he was married to her and THAT'S why their marriage broke up. There are many, many other lies she's apparently told but "this one" was the reason I was rendered unable to comfort both my step-daughter and my husband during an extremely difficult time. THIS is why I was rendered unable to say goodbye to my grandson as his ex declared, "If SHE shows up here, I'll kick her ass!"

In attempting to spare my step-daughter the further trauma of dealing with her obviously mentally ill mother (there were other incidents, including chewing out my step-daughter in the ICU waiting room about her "...choices in men" but that's another story all together) I opted to stay away - and I'm angry and hurt about it. I can never get this back - there are no do overs in life.

I've had it, to say the least. She KNOWS the truth yet she tells her lies. I can gather people who would give testimony this is what she told them. What she's done is purely malicious.

I missed an incredibly important time in the life of my step-daughter, who considers me more of a mother than her own mother, due to her mother's malicious nature and inability to accept the choices she made in life. In addition, her boyfriend at the time signed the certificate that HE served the divorce paperwork on my husband. How does one get around explaining that?

Is this actionable? She's in a position that a judgment CAN be enforced, if in no other way than garnishment, which I would happily do.

 

[NDickinson]

Nope

I'm beyond forgiveness. She's done this for nearly 2 decades and it kept me from being with my step-daughter and husband. IMHO, this borders on intentional infliction of emotional distress. She has intentionally and maliciously told her lies to hurt my reputation.

I want it stopped. I want her to admit to the truth. I want her to know what she's done is wrong. If I have to file suit to do it, so be it.

To mitigate what she's done by calling it "hurt feelings" it's obvious there's not a real understanding of the situation.

How would you feel if the lies told by someone else kept you from not just saying goodbye to someone very important to you but from a loved one's funeral?

 

[Silverplum]

I'm beyond forgiveness.

Okay, then.

She's done this for nearly 2 decades and it kept me from being with my step-daughter and husband. IMHO, this borders on intentional infliction of emotional distress. She has intentionally and maliciously told her lies to hurt my reputation.

I want it stopped. I want her to admit to the truth. I want her to know what she's done is wrong. If I have to file suit to do it, so be it.

To mitigate what she's done by calling it "hurt feelings" it's obvious there's not a real understanding of the situation.

How would you feel if the lies told by someone else kept you from not just saying goodbye to someone very important to you but from a loved one's funeral?

You wouldn't know what I do and don't "understand." That's fine.

 

[Shadowbunny]

First, OP, I'm sorry for your loss. What a horrible situation for all involved.

Next, Quincy is the resident expert on libel/slander/defamation actions, and I'm sure he'll be by to address your situation in depth. In the meantime, what I've learned from Quincy is the two important questions that one must consider before taking on such a suit:

1) What are your damages (tangible, monetary damages, not emotional), and,
2) Do you have several hundred thousand dollars and several years to devote to this? Because libel/slander suits are very expensive to litigate.

Again, I'm quite sorry for your loss.

 

[quincy]

Actually, there are three important questions to consider. Shadowbunny covered two of those. Statute of limitations is a third.

Both Arizona and Colorado have one year statute of limitations for filing defamation actions. Had NDickinson thought about filing a claim against her husband's ex-wife for maligning her character 18 years ago (or 3 years ago), she may have had a shot at a suit. Not now, however.

NDickinson, you say that you "opted" to stay away from your step-grandson's funeral. It sounds to me like that is the reason you were "rendered unable to comfort both your step-daughter and [your] husband during an extremely difficult time." You kept yourself away (for reasons good or bad) despite knowing that your step-daughter and your husband wanted you there. I think you are giving this ex-wife way more power over you than you should. Just my opinion, however.

At any rate, you are right that there are no "do-overs." There are also no legal actions for you to take against the ex-wife at this point in time, at least based on what you have described here. Like Shadowbunny, I am sorry for your loss.

I think Silverplum's "Rx" is probably the best one for you to consider, although you can certainly maintain your righteous indignation and anger if you wish.

 

[wrongsometimes]

No reason for suit.

 

[NDickinson]

I actually considered the statute of limitations...

Yes, it's been a much more than a year since she started her lies but, seriously, to keep it up for 18 years? No issue was made of it then because, certainly, a "normal" person would stop after a decent amount of time. I mean, jealousy only lasts so long. She's had several relationships since she left my husband and was once re-married but he left her for another woman. It's borderline pathological, if that's the appropriate term.

And though I used the word "opted", I was really left with no choice. I could go and have the ex cause untold amounts of distress on top of what she had already done or could stay home and protect my step-daughter from her mother's abuse.

To say "opted" isn't a fair assessment of the choices I had. I had no choices.

And, frankly, in the past, when threatened with a law suit, the ex has backed down considerably. When we couldn't get the family courts to enforce visitation with my husband, we filed a civil suit for a variety of claims. She never kept the kids from him again.

One option for me is to use our legal plan through my husband's employer to make a pretty strong threat. The letter is free to us and the attorney is paid via the plan. It's worked before...

Which state would have jurisdiction so I know where to find an attorney to discuss this with.

In addition, failed to mention, she's pretty public with her lies having posted stuff on Facebook recently (she really is an emotionally unstable person) and it has the ability to hurt me with my job as a freelance journalist. She's been blocked numerous times as she keeps creating a "new profile" with which to harass me. Perhaps requesting an order of protection might work? She's on the verge of damaging my reputation professionally and I'd prefer to not look like the freelance writer with "baggage".

 

[Silverplum]

Yes, it's been a much more than a year since she started her lies but, seriously, to keep it up for 18 years? No issue was made of it then because, certainly, a "normal" person would stop after a decent amount of time. I mean, jealousy only lasts so long. She's had several relationships since she left my husband and was once re-married but he left her for another woman. It's borderline pathological, if that's the appropriate term.

Yes, an 18-year war is "borderline pathological," on every side. IMHO, of course.

And though I used the word "opted", I was really left with no choice. I could go and have the ex cause untold amounts of distress on top of what she had already done or could stay home and protect my step-daughter from her mother's abuse.

To say "opted" isn't a fair assessment of the choices I had. I had no choices.

Yes, you did. You selected one and now regret it.

And, frankly, in the past, when threatened with a law suit, the ex has backed down considerably. When we couldn't get the family courts to enforce visitation with my husband, we filed a civil suit for a variety of claims. She never kept the kids from him again.

Sure...

One option for me is to use our legal plan through my husband's employer to make a pretty strong threat. The letter is free to us and the attorney is paid via the plan. It's worked before...

Sure...

Which state would have jurisdiction so I know where to find an attorney to discuss this with.

Discuss with your "attorney."

In addition, failed to mention, she's pretty public with her lies having posted stuff on Facebook recently (she really is an emotionally unstable person) and it has the ability to hurt me with my job as a freelance journalist. She's been blocked numerous times as she keeps creating a "new profile" with which to harass me. Perhaps requesting an order of protection might work? She's on the verge of damaging my reputation professionally and I'd prefer to not look like the freelance writer with "baggage".

Ah, but you are one of the ones with the baggage. That's clear to everyone who reads this.

 

[Proserpina]

OP,

There is so much hurt and pain within your family at the moment - I honestly cannot even fathom what a message board can do for you.

I just hope and pray you all are able to find some peace, and healing.


Such a horrible tragedy.

 

[proud_parent]

OP,

There is so much hurt and pain within your family at the moment - I honestly cannot even fathom what a message board can do for you.

I just hope and pray you all are able to find some peace, and healing.


Such a horrible tragedy.

OP, I can only echo what Proserpina wrote. My deepest condolences and sincere sympathies to your family.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Can you prove that these Facebook statements are HER? If so, get that order of protection. That may be your best bet.

My condolences of your grandchild.

 

[stealth2]

My condolences, also, on your loss.

Having said that, however... Your protests about being forced to stay away are in relatively direct conflict with how you were quoted in an article:

I’m actually her step-mother and it’s much more important for my husband to be there than for me to be there.

Given how much attention has been paid to your husband's situation? I doubt you're going to get far with your planned suit.

 

[quincy]

NDickinson, either Colorado or Arizona could potentially be found to have jurisdiction over the matter - jurisdiction can be argued - but you have no defamation suit to pursue that would have much chance of success, based strictly on what you have posted here.

"Fear" of having your professional reputation injured by current Facebook postings is not the same as having your reputation injured as a result of what has been posted, but it really depends on what exactly has been written. A personal review of the postings by an attorney in your area who (preferably) is well-versed in defamation law would be necessary.

Generally out-of-state protection orders will not be issued unless there has been a threat of physical violence and there is a reasonable belief that this threat could be carried out. A restraining order designed to limit another's future speech would be difficult to obtain, as well.

It is certainly your option to review all of the facts of your situation with an attorney in your area and, if you feel the need to do something, an harassment complaint could potentially be filed or a cease and desist letter could potentially be sent. It is my opinion, however, that it would be wrong (and rather cruel) to threaten any meritless legal action on the heels of this woman's loss of her grandson. Grieve and let her grieve, and put aside the anger for at least awhile.

As a note: One option you didn't consider, perhaps, would have been to accompany your husband to Colorado so you could provide needed comfort to him, and you could have stayed out of the way during the funeral itself (to avoid conflict with the ex-wife). Then you could have gone to your step-grandson's gravesite later with your husband and your step-daughter, for a private memorial service of your own.

Again, and to echo everyone else, I really am sorry for your loss.