Settlement proposal

[dadda11o]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

Does anyone know if it is normal for an attorney to draft a settlement proposal that gives one spouse everything? I'm curious, because I received one form my husband's attorney that gives him the house, 2 better vehicles, custody of the children, and for the kicker, I can see the children only in the presence of my ex-spouse or in-laws. Am I supposed to bargain back from this as the "starting point"?

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

Does anyone know if it is normal for an attorney to draft a settlement proposal that gives one spouse everything? I'm curious, because I received one form my husband's attorney that gives him the house, 2 better vehicles, custody of the children, and for the kicker, I can see the children only in the presence of my ex-spouse or in-laws. Am I supposed to bargain back from this as the "starting point"?

VERY common. The attorney is working for your husband - not you. Of course they're going to ask for the moon

So - time to do one of two things.

Either do whatever it takes to get an attorney yourself, or start educating yourself on the rules of procedure, local rules, everything.

 

[stealth2]

Is there a reason why he is requesting supervised visitation for you?

 

[nextwife]

Additionally, did he either inherit or bring any of the mentioned assets to the marriage? Premarital assets, premarital retirement accounts, or inheritance would normally not be split.

Was there some sort of misconduct? Diminishment by you of marital assets? Is there something you have left out? I'm wondering if they are asserting you did something that impacted marital assets and you should take the hit out of your share?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

Does anyone know if it is normal for an attorney to draft a settlement proposal that gives one spouse everything? I'm curious, because I received one form my husband's attorney that gives him the house, 2 better vehicles, custody of the children, and for the kicker, I can see the children only in the presence of my ex-spouse or in-laws. Am I supposed to bargain back from this as the "starting point"?

I don't agree that its totally normal, not for Indiana. However it is fairly common for attorneys to be "sharks". His attorney knows that unless he can prove you legally unfit, which is difficult to do, the worse case scenario (should your husband receive custody), is that you would be ordered visitation according to the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines, and would receive joint legal custody.

As far as the house is concerned, is there equity? Could you refinance for enough to cover the existing mortgage and buy out his share of the equity? Did he own the home prior to the marriage?

As far as cars are concerned, are there still loans outstanding and whose name is on the loans?

I do strongly recommend that you get your own attorney since his attorney obviously is not starting from a reasonable position. Beg or borrow the money from somewhere. One of two things is going on here. Either your husband has somehow given the attorney the impression that you are legally unfit, or the attorney is trying to scare you into giving primary custody to you husband by giving you the impression that you won't get to see your children unless its supervised.

So get an attorney ASAP.

I just read your other two threads. STOP having any contact or communication or anything with the other woman. Stop trying to get her punished at her job. You are only hurting your case. If you see her in public, ignore her.

DO NOT move out of the marital home, for any reason, without a court order to do so or without taking your children with you. Avoid any hostile confrontation with your husband, and do not give him any excuse to try to call the police on you. He has clearly given his attorney the impression that you are a psycho because of what you have been doing regarding the other woman. That's what the supervised visitation is all about. STOP NOW and get yourself an attorney.

 

[dadda11o]

LdiJ Proserpina I am currently not doing anything to anyone. I have an attorney; I just don't want to blindly trust. stealth2 The supervision was in regard to my having had (misdiagnosed) panic attacks. As one doctor told me, those can be quite common in divorce. I am well aware of the emotional shock I've felt the past few months.

We refinanced the house a year and a half ago; money was taken out for our daughter's ortho treatment AND to pay off some of HIS bills. We have individual credit accounts and he is screaming that I need to take his debts, so I have to go through my cards to find everything that belongs to "him" or the household. We had been transferring debt to pay off at lower interest. Just went through and learned that my personal indebtedness is much higher, his lower, since we've been together. There would be some equity; but the house needs work, could not be sold for a good price "as is". I do not foresee that he has funds to do any settling with; he is supposedly going to claim bankruptcy (hospital bills, etc) after the divorce.

nextwife My husband did not work a day prior to the time the settlement referenced was drawn up. He was on disability. I worked. That was what his attorney gave me...last time. It was then dismissed. He has the same attorney, so I wanted to find out if that is a common scenario, because I am waiting for their proposal. The attorney I had at that time was never able to do anything or explain anything; needless to say I have a different attorney. I am "legally naive" in some respects, but I assume that if I had signed that paper, even under duress or ignorance, I'd have been bound to it. I am assuming that he and his attorney are either waiting for me to misstep or are preferring the judge do the division in light of his recent conduct and other things I have learned while collecting the paperwork for my attorney(?). If my attorney draws up a proposal, I was hoping to be fair. But if that's how it's done to avoid being taken to the cleaners, I'd prefer to know it.

I am in the house with our children. When my husband filed, he tried to scare me and intimidate me into leaving. At the time, pro se. I requested a provisional hearing and explained I had no place to go; I was awarded "sole and exclusive" possession (and custody) during the action. The same afternoon, my husband told me he was moving back in and I had to vacate the bedroom. I called the sheriff's dept. to get guidance in case of problems. Once I received the order in the mail and understood it, I told my husband that if he was planning to stay, it would be in order to work on reconciliation, no fighting and paperwork would be filed to inform the Court that he was living here. He did not show up to work on anything, so I took his things to his mother's. I have had to call the police several times because he'll come bursting in, yelling and carrying on.

LdiJ In re: the other woman. I am not doing ANYTHING to her. I have only spoken to her twice in my life; she seems to have been showing up where I was. I was told that if I "made trouble for her", something "might happen" to me (getting shot). First time call to hospital to ask her to stop extracurricular relationship. She told me she understood and would stop. Second time outside my husband's work (she showed up as I was leaving) AFTER he'd described (crying) feelings of dissociation, panic attacks, etc. & told me he feared he was going to have another heart attack just days before. That was when she informed me they still had an extracurricular relationship, though I didn't know she was now sleeping with him. I asked her again to stop-that she was hurting my husband and destroying our family. A police officer came; I explained the situation and she was asked to leave. The police officer did not think I was psycho.

My husband has numerous diagnoses and takes many medications. He has demonstrated cognitive deficits and severe mood changes which were reported to his other doctors months before this came to light. That affects whether his "consent" would stand in the "normal" sense of the word. I liken her earlier actions to the "grooming" process that takes place in other types of sexual exploitation. There is nothing that says that my husband is the first; I learned that others who were working with her (and have a legal duty to report) were aware but did not want to get involved. I can't do anything more than deal with things as they stand; I have the right to report; it is wrong: would any of you like to find yourself in the same predicament and know that someone could have put a stop to it but did not want to be bothered? (Plus the fact that our children are being told by others that this is a completely "normal" relationship/event, but they could be exposed to sexual misconduct; as females, the statistical likelihood is higher. I don't want their heads screwed up by people playing CYA.) I don't know how much she is influencing him in his actions, but professional literature states that in these types of cases, overdependence on the offending professional is not unusual. In any case, if he has a another heart attack and dies (or something else happens to him), she still has a home and husband and "a life". He thinks he is going to marry her; maybe he will. She hasn't even filed for divorce.

I apologize for the length & thank you for replying. Some of the points people have brought up have helped me to deal with what is a very emotionally painful experience in a less emotional manner or have given me food for thought, helping me to protect myself and our children. I appreciate it more than words can say. My husband kept telling me that I HAVE to be out of here (the house) the day of the final order; I'm finding out that's not necessarily true. The anxiety engendered by my ignorance, his threats and past experience have made it very hard to get anything done. I'm calmer and that is helping me think and get things done.

 

[LdiJ]

LdiJ Proserpina I am currently not doing anything to anyone. I have an attorney; I just don't want to blindly trust. stealth2 The supervision was in regard to my having had (misdiagnosed) panic attacks. As one doctor told me, those can be quite common in divorce. I am well aware of the emotional shock I've felt the past few months.

You recently posted...just a few days ago... that the other woman had taken a restraining order out on you. That is the kind of thing that could hurt your case.

We refinanced the house a year and a half ago; money was taken out for our daughter's ortho treatment AND to pay off some of HIS bills. We have individual credit accounts and he is screaming that I need to take his debts, so I have to go through my cards to find everything that belongs to "him" or the household. We had been transferring debt to pay off at lower interest. Just went through and learned that my personal indebtedness is much higher, his lower, since we've been together. There would be some equity; but the house needs work, could not be sold for a good price "as is". I do not foresee that he has funds to do any settling with; he is supposedly going to claim bankruptcy (hospital bills, etc) after the divorce.

It doesn't matter whose "personal" indebtedness is higher or lower unless that indebtedness is connected to an asset that will be retained by that person (in which case the debt goes with the asset) or if the indebtness was for something like student loans/college tuition that will only benefit one party in the future. Debt accrued during the marriage is marital debt, and as such is subject to division.

The only clear exception to the is dissipation. If one of you racked up tons of debt on gambling, vacations with/presents for the person you were cheating with, etc.

nextwife My husband did not work a day prior to the time the settlement referenced was drawn up. He was on disability. I worked. That was what his attorney gave me...last time. It was then dismissed. He has the same attorney, so I wanted to find out if that is a common scenario, because I am waiting for their proposal. The attorney I had at that time was never able to do anything or explain anything; needless to say I have a different attorney. I am "legally naive" in some respects, but I assume that if I had signed that paper, even under duress or ignorance, I'd have been bound to it. I am assuming that he and his attorney are either waiting for me to misstep or are preferring the judge do the division in light of his recent conduct and other things I have learned while collecting the paperwork for my attorney(?). If my attorney draws up a proposal, I was hoping to be fair. But if that's how it's done to avoid being taken to the cleaners, I'd prefer to know it.

You need guidence for your new attorney on the above. Of course you shouldn't have signed that proposal and in fact is was ridiculous.

I am in the house with our children. When my husband filed, he tried to scare me and intimidate me into leaving. At the time, pro se. I requested a provisional hearing and explained I had no place to go; I was awarded "sole and exclusive" possession (and custody) during the action. The same afternoon, my husband told me he was moving back in and I had to vacate the bedroom. I called the sheriff's dept. to get guidance in case of problems. Once I received the order in the mail and understood it, I told my husband that if he was planning to stay, it would be in order to work on reconciliation, no fighting and paperwork would be filed to inform the Court that he was living here. He did not show up to work on anything, so I took his things to his mother's. I have had to call the police several times because he'll come bursting in, yelling and carrying on.

If you were awarded sole possession of the marital residence and custody of the children, and you should not only call the police if he bursts in, but you should make it as impossible as you can for him to do so.

LdiJ In re: the other woman. I am not doing ANYTHING to her. I have only spoken to her twice in my life; she seems to have been showing up where I was. I was told that if I "made trouble for her", something "might happen" to me (getting shot). First time call to hospital to ask her to stop extracurricular relationship. She told me she understood and would stop. Second time outside my husband's work (she showed up as I was leaving) AFTER he'd described (crying) feelings of dissociation, panic attacks, etc. & told me he feared he was going to have another heart attack just days before. That was when she informed me they still had an extracurricular relationship, though I didn't know she was now sleeping with him. I asked her again to stop-that she was hurting my husband and destroying our family. A police officer came; I explained the situation and she was asked to leave. The police officer did not think I was psycho.

Again, she has taken out a restraining order against you...that is a problem and based on your other two threads, you made mistakes.

My husband has numerous diagnoses and takes many medications. He has demonstrated cognitive deficits and severe mood changes which were reported to his other doctors months before this came to light. That affects whether his "consent" would stand in the "normal" sense of the word. I liken her earlier actions to the "grooming" process that takes place in other types of sexual exploitation. There is nothing that says that my husband is the first; I learned that others who were working with her (and have a legal duty to report) were aware but did not want to get involved. I can't do anything more than deal with things as they stand; I have the right to report; it is wrong: would any of you like to find yourself in the same predicament and know that someone could have put a stop to it but did not want to be bothered? (Plus the fact that our children are being told by others that this is a completely "normal" relationship/event, but they could be exposed to sexual misconduct; as females, the statistical likelihood is higher. I don't want their heads screwed up by people playing CYA.) I don't know how much she is influencing him in his actions, but professional literature states that in these types of cases, overdependence on the offending professional is not unusual. In any case, if he has a another heart attack and dies (or something else happens to him), she still has a home and husband and "a life". He thinks he is going to marry her; maybe he will. She hasn't even filed for divorce.

Despite all of that you are getting divorced and she has filed a restraining order against you. That restraining order is a problem. She may be everything that you state she is but its not your problem.

I apologize for the length & thank you for replying. Some of the points people have brought up have helped me to deal with what is a very emotionally painful experience in a less emotional manner or have given me food for thought, helping me to protect myself and our children. I appreciate it more than words can say. My husband kept telling me that I HAVE to be out of here (the house) the day of the final order; I'm finding out that's not necessarily true. The anxiety engendered by my ignorance, his threats and past experience have made it very hard to get anything done. I'm calmer and that is helping me think and get things done.

Its not true at all that you have to be out of the house the day of your final order, unless the final order orders you out of the house that day...and a judge would simply not do that. You have an attorney, you need to rely on what your attorney tells you and never on what your husband tells you.

In one of your other threads you stated that you had to be out of the house in three weeks. You have temporary sole possession of the marital residence by court order, and temporary custody of the children. Based on what you have said here, there is little likelihood that anything your husband's attorney is proposing is going to happen, and little likelihood that what you think may be a final hearing is actually going to be a final hearing.

You REALLY need a sit down appointment with your attorney to discuss everything that is going on. Please try to schedule one.

Other than that, stop listening to your husband and let your attorney deal with anything that your husband's attorney proposes.

Again though, I am going to emphasize that you MUST stop caring/engaging/dealing with anything that has to do with the other woman. She honestly may be everything that you believe is evil, but its no longer your problem. You are getting divorced. What happens to your husband from now on is not your problem, even if you still care.

I know that seem harsh, but its reality. Maybe when your divorce is final and all is said and done you could give his family a "head's up" on what you feel is happening with him, but even that should be thought out carefully.

 

[dadda11o]

LdiJ: Thank you for your post. Things are getting better, in the sense that I do believe what you have said about not listening to my husband. I know people can get past problems, but only if they take responsibility for their part and WORK on changing. That's not happening. I'm getting blamed for everything and I know that's not possible. I was in emotional shock over the whole affair thing; that came on top of the foot ulcer of 9 months duration and that after a heart attack that nearly killed my husband. So not much letup on the stress in the last few years. My attorney has been fairly upfront, not promising too much but putting my mind at ease-I got an e-mail with about the same response about leaving the day of the final order-not likely.

I was more upset probably than I normally would be because of the fact that the house is deeded in my husband's name. I knew nothing about equitable distribution, just that I have been putting my money into the house and family and didn't have a cushion for this sort of thing (now, I guess I know better).

I have to go to Court in another county this week regarding the restraining order. I realized I don't want it to stand as-is and I know that all of the allegations are false.

I have the recording of our conversation in the parking lot of my husband's job, including the police officer telling her that she should go. I merely spoke with her and asked her again to stop what she was doing when she told me that she had a current relationship with my husband. I have the 14 page love letter she wrote detailing their relationship and how she instigated it, envied me and if "I were your wife", etc. The only other time I've even seen her since then is when I came out of the counseling session. I was late to my appointment or I wouldn't have been there at that time anyway.

I have the phone records and it shows very clearly that they were communicating secretly and frequently. I have the phone bill with her cell phone that my husband got her, a receipt for jewelry he bought her, a gift certificate she got him, a health club membership he purchased to be with her. Also the receipts for medication he needs to perform. He purchased the last on New Year's eve; he hasn't lived here since September. I have a copy of the complaint that I filed and the response. When I found out about their affair, I was told (by my husband) that if I made trouble for her, something would happen to me.

I also have the recording of my husband telling me that he was divorcing me as fast as possible to marry her. She has never filed for divorce.

I may have a problem, but what best to do with it? I made my complaint in good faith with the knowledge that her actions were not justifiable and they were causing harm to members of my family. I was told that I should request a protective order against her. Actually, other than making the complaint, first to her, then to her employer after I learned she had lied to me about stopping, I haven't DONE a thing other than have her show up where I was. I switched to a therapist more than 20 miles from there BECAUSE I don't want anything to do with her. How would I know not to make mistakes-I was minding my own business, trying to deal with a husband who was yelling at
me one day, morose and silent the next, crying another day and dressing in Hawaiian shirts; excited to go to the hospital other days. I was calling the doctor's office, nearly crying because I couldn't take his violent mood swings and behavior anymore. The day before he disappeared for the weekend, I was going to look for an apartment and leave-that's how bad it was.

Going through the finances; yeah, there's some weird stuff and I'm turning that all over to the attorney. We owe nearly the same amount on our house as when we bought it in '97. Several re-fis; saw 1 earlier one with money coming out but haven't had a chance to check carefully. Actually, it's been sort of a sickening experience. When I started seeing some of it, I had hoped that maybe it all started when he had the heart attack. But I saw the writing on the wall and realized there were problems that went back. Hoped he'd come clean; as I made some allusions to it all. But no go. So I just want to get through this giant mess and get the damage dealt with.

What happens if the petitioner has no funds for settling? I assume we put the house up for sale and in the meantime?

 

[LdiJ]

LdiJ: Thank you for your post. Things are getting better, in the sense that I do believe what you have said about not listening to my husband. I know people can get past problems, but only if they take responsibility for their part and WORK on changing. That's not happening. I'm getting blamed for everything and I know that's not possible. I was in emotional shock over the whole affair thing; that came on top of the foot ulcer of 9 months duration and that after a heart attack that nearly killed my husband. So not much letup on the stress in the last few years. My attorney has been fairly upfront, not promising too much but putting my mind at ease-I got an e-mail with about the same response about leaving the day of the final order-not likely.

I was more upset probably than I normally would be because of the fact that the house is deeded in my husband's name. I knew nothing about equitable distribution, just that I have been putting my money into the house and family and didn't have a cushion for this sort of thing (now, I guess I know better).

I have to go to Court in another county this week regarding the restraining order. I realized I don't want it to stand as-is and I know that all of the allegations are false.

I have the recording of our conversation in the parking lot of my husband's job, including the police officer telling her that she should go. I merely spoke with her and asked her again to stop what she was doing when she told me that she had a current relationship with my husband. I have the 14 page love letter she wrote detailing their relationship and how she instigated it, envied me and if "I were your wife", etc. The only other time I've even seen her since then is when I came out of the counseling session. I was late to my appointment or I wouldn't have been there at that time anyway.

I have the phone records and it shows very clearly that they were communicating secretly and frequently. I have the phone bill with her cell phone that my husband got her, a receipt for jewelry he bought her, a gift certificate she got him, a health club membership he purchased to be with her. Also the receipts for medication he needs to perform. He purchased the last on New Year's eve; he hasn't lived here since September. I have a copy of the complaint that I filed and the response. When I found out about their affair, I was told (by my husband) that if I made trouble for her, something would happen to me.

I also have the recording of my husband telling me that he was divorcing me as fast as possible to marry her. She has never filed for divorce.

I may have a problem, but what best to do with it? I made my complaint in good faith with the knowledge that her actions were not justifiable and they were causing harm to members of my family. I was told that I should request a protective order against her. Actually, other than making the complaint, first to her, then to her employer after I learned she had lied to me about stopping, I haven't DONE a thing other than have her show up where I was. I switched to a therapist more than 20 miles from there BECAUSE I don't want anything to do with her. How would I know not to make mistakes-I was minding my own business, trying to deal with a husband who was yelling at
me one day, morose and silent the next, crying another day and dressing in Hawaiian shirts; excited to go to the hospital other days. I was calling the doctor's office, nearly crying because I couldn't take his violent mood swings and behavior anymore. The day before he disappeared for the weekend, I was going to look for an apartment and leave-that's how bad it was.

Going through the finances; yeah, there's some weird stuff and I'm turning that all over to the attorney. We owe nearly the same amount on our house as when we bought it in '97. Several re-fis; saw 1 earlier one with money coming out but haven't had a chance to check carefully. Actually, it's been sort of a sickening experience. When I started seeing some of it, I had hoped that maybe it all started when he had the heart attack. But I saw the writing on the wall and realized there were problems that went back. Hoped he'd come clean; as I made some allusions to it all. But no go. So I just want to get through this giant mess and get the damage dealt with.

What happens if the petitioner has no funds for settling? I assume we put the house up for sale and in the meantime?

You did more than just make a complaint about her to her employer. You also called her husband, followed her in her car for several miles and took pictures of her with your cell phone.

Its time to STOP.

If the petitioner has no funds for settling that may mean that there are not a lot of marital assets to divide...or if he dissipated assets he may have to pay you in installments...which may be difficult to collect. If you can make the mortgage payments while the house is up for sale you would likely be allowed to stay in the house until it sells. If you cannot make the mortgage payments until it sells, then its likely that he will be allowed to stay in the house until it sells.

The biggest thing however that you have to realize/accept is that you ARE getting divorced and what he or this woman do is not your problem nor your business.

Don't make your attorney's job harder (and therefore more costly) by allowing your emotions to control your behavior. Now is the time to think carefully before you act on anything.

 

[dadda11o]

LdiJ:: It is as I said: my husband was acting unlike himself for months. Since he doesn't even know what medications he takes or what they're for and he doesn't notice REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF like: how to deal with a malfunctioning wound-vac, I was going with him to a lot of appts. Not a lot of the IV therapy, because he had to work in between and there wasn't much post-treatment care other than monitoring the site. I made the reports ONLY after I had factual, documented knowledge of impropriety. I'm not interested in getting anyone in trouble and have way too many things to do to stalk anyone. I do not know what he or she are doing and I don't believe anything he tells me about it or much else. I hoped somebody with some authority, responsibility or decency would communicate the FACTS about her involvement with him. I use the past tense. It didn't happen, it probably will never happen.

I do not have experience or training in how to respond to what happened. I've done the best I've known how to do, in good faith and with an effort toward minimizing losses to everyone concerned. One of my husband's relatives gave me the best advice once this broke: "Don't trust him." I know that was a hard thing for the relative to say to me regarding my husband.I called her husband because I was told that he would shoot me if I "made trouble for her". I contacted him because the letter I found insinuated more lies against and injurious actionsto the spouses (me & him) and all of our children. I am trying to protect what assets we have; since I am viewing his wife as a disturbed person, I thought warning him was the decent thing to do.As it turned out, he told me he had thought of calling me. Apparently she fessed up to doing "nice things" for a patient after she ran into me in the parking lot at my husband's job. He knew something more was happening and had questions for me; I was glad to learn that there wasn't another hostile person after me. He said that I could recontact him if need be. He has contacted me for info. In my view, the p.o. is either retaliatory, a sign of disordered thinking on her part(yes, but I don't believe she's "out of her mind") or merely a method to keep me from re-contacting her husband (since it covers him as well). Or a combination.

I did not "follow her for several miles". As I think I stated earlier, I was leaving the counseling session I had just finished and was getting in my car when she pulled into the lot. She looked at me for a long minute or two and then drove out. I am at fault because my house is in the same direction she was going? She lives almost 40 miles from us, I believe. When she made her u-turn, I kept on going-toward MY house.

I felt somewhat threatened after the statement of something happening to me was made and having her show up where I already was. As I mentioned, my husband added a cell phone line on our account for her, and we have GPS location on it. I couldn't use it after he left, because he changed all of the account info-passwords and stuff. But there would be no reason that she couldn't find me wherever I am (I turned off my GPS after all that, too). I thought it might, if she had hostile intentions, intimidate her if I took pictures. Actually, I had just gotten the phone and couldn't aim it too well. So mostly I got random views of the parking lot, my steering wheel and one of her vehicle. After that, I made arrangements to go to counseling in a completely different town where it would have to be more than coincidence for her to run into me.

I found the following on an attorney website and basically, just followed the instrux. I did not specifically notify the police because I don't know if it is considered a "criminal matter" here; I know there are 24 states where it is considered that, but I don't know which ones.
"have him or her report the incident--with your presence and assistance--to the
* local police department
* hospital
* department of health or governing body for the health care administrative organization
* primary care doctor (to check for sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy)
* mental health care provider
* rape treatment center (if that seems appropriate).
If any of these authorities are not advised of the incident, the lack of reporting will be detrimental to your client's case--as well as his or her overall well-being.

It is important for you to meet the potential client's family if possible. Obviously, they are witnesses, but they also are victims. Understanding how the sexual assault affects the victim's family is crucial to your case."

NOW, I am just trying to deal with the divorce and of course, all of the damage this "fling" has caused. Including the emotional stuff our children and I are going through; for weeks it felt like an F-5 tornado had blown through our lives-that's the best way I can describe the feeling.

My husband is hanging out with a guy who is a bad influence and not a nice person, as well as defending the nurse and devaluing me. Therefore, I prefer to have as little contact with him as possible, especially, since you and others have validated, he is trying to screw me up emotionally. He went with her to apply for the protective order. That tells me he is screwed up for whatever reason. I don't know about legal strategies and such; I figured his attorney was waiting on bringing out a settlement proposal, maybe he is planning to let the judge do it at trial, maybe either attorney does it. I am trying to get a sense of what is going on so that I do not worry unnecessarily. He and his attorney had filed an emergency custody modification based on an incident of my daughter and I falling against the fireplace. Although my daughter told him numerous times, "that's not the way it happened", he alleged that I had "tackled" her from a position in the corner of the room. I know he was using a bit of the truth to try to get back into the house and have me removed. But the Court put the matter off to the final hearing. Our daughter is having anxiety attacks; he's telling her that she needs to go to his cardiologist 50 miles away and stories about his coughing up blood after his heart attack. I canceled that appointment and made it clear that I do not want them to accept her as a patient. I've taken her to our doctor and they're running tests to rule out cardiac involvement. When she returned from her appointment (and with a clean EKG), she went to visit him, then came home with worries about her heart valves. If she really were having cardiac problems, I don't know how focusing on myriad possible problems is supposed to help and I communicated that with him. And made a note in my diary. I recently applied for payee for our youngest daughter's SSDI benefits after legal advice and talking with SSA. Although her father told her and me that I could/would have custody of her, he must have said something else to them, because I received a letter stating that he would remain the payee. So I'm geared up to think he is planning to get custody either at trial or part of the "negotiations".

So I'm up against 2 people that don't like me (because I screwed up their plans) and they don't care what happens to me. That much I know. Doesn't seem my husband is too concerned presently with the impact of his actions on our children. So yes, I realize I need to remain on an even keel emotionally as much as possible-for myself, our kids, to take care of what needs to be done. I am not planning to "act" or get emotional. I go to work, try to figure out what to pack up, what to donate to the thrift store. Try to spend time with our children and do some listening to them. I call the police when my husband goes on a rampage-it's toned down the last month. Trying to find another job to supplement my income and make sure the bills are paid, homework and chores done. And of course, find all the necessary papers to get this over with. I appreciate your challenges, too, because it helps me to see how things might seem to someone who isn't in my head. I probably wouldn't even care to fight over the property; I've watched all the work we've done, all the bills that got paid off-nearly everything destroyed. I could work and earn the money to get back on my feet faster and be ahead and get out of here, but I'll be darned if I'm going to willingly lie down and leave with two or three times the debt load I had before I started for no good reason. Thanks; each day is a bit calmer and my head feels a lot less anxious. It makes a world of positive difference.