question...visitation pick up??

[amyjrn]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? arkansas

I know this forum is generally not supportive of step-parents, significant others, aka legal strangers. However, I feel I have a legitimate question. I am step-mom. Visitation order states that Dad may have "any competent adult" pick up child for visitation. Due to mother's hostility she and I have had almost no interaction. Due to work schedules ect. it may become necessary at some point in the future for me to pick up step-daughter. Mother has made it very clear that she has no intention of allowing daughter to leave her house with me. So in this scenario we have 2 options. 1. call the cops to assist in enforcing visitation 2. I leave and have dad pick up later in the evening (after her bedtime) or sat morning and file contempt charges.

We (husband and I) both agree that we would never want the cops present during a drop off/pick up as it would most likely scare daughter and not be in her best interest. Filing contempt charges against mother (although well with in dad's rights) would only further add flames to an already volatile situation.

What's the best way to deal with this from those of you with more experience?

I would love to have a civil friendly relationship with mom where we could at least communicate about birthdays, christmas presents, ect but I don't see that happening anytime in the near future.

 

[majomom1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? arkansas

I know this forum is generally not supportive of step-parents, significant others, aka legal strangers. However, I feel I have a legitimate question. I am step-mom. Visitation order states that Dad may have "any competent adult" pick up child for visitation. Due to mother's hostility she and I have had almost no interaction. Due to work schedules ect. it may become necessary at some point in the future for me to pick up step-daughter. Mother has made it very clear that she has no intention of allowing daughter to leave her house with me. So in this scenario we have 2 options. 1. call the cops to assist in enforcing visitation 2. I leave and have dad pick up later in the evening (after her bedtime) or sat morning and file contempt charges.

We (husband and I) both agree that we would never want the cops present during a drop off/pick up as it would most likely scare daughter and not be in her best interest. Filing contempt charges against mother (although well with in dad's rights) would only further add flames to an already volatile situation.

What's the best way to deal with this from those of you with more experience?

I would love to have a civil friendly relationship with mom where we could at least communicate about birthdays, christmas presents, ect but I don't see that happening anytime in the near future.

How long has the court order been in effect?

I doubt you would get any assistance from the police for Mom to turn the child over to you... even with that wording. It is a civil matter and the police cannot force Mom to turn the child over to you.

If Dad is not available until after the child's bed time anyway then maybe Saturday morning would be a better time for him to pick the child up. Is there another adult that could help, that Mom would give the child to?

This will all eventually blow over... if you don't add fuel by calling the police, or filing contempt. I would give it some time and see what happens.

 

[Zigner]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? arkansas

I know this forum is generally not supportive of step-parents, significant others, aka legal strangers.

I wanted to address/correct this.

This forum IS supportive of step-parents who know their place. We are definitely NOT supportive of step-parents who somehow think that, just because they married the parent of a child, they are somehow elevated to an equal (or greater) level than the PARENTS.

It is not out of line for you to ask about the situation you are faced with.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? arkansas

I know this forum is generally not supportive of step-parents, significant others, aka legal strangers. However, I feel I have a legitimate question. I am step-mom. Visitation order states that Dad may have "any competent adult" pick up child for visitation. Due to mother's hostility she and I have had almost no interaction. Due to work schedules ect. it may become necessary at some point in the future for me to pick up step-daughter. Mother has made it very clear that she has no intention of allowing daughter to leave her house with me. So in this scenario we have 2 options. 1. call the cops to assist in enforcing visitation 2. I leave and have dad pick up later in the evening (after her bedtime) or sat morning and file contempt charges.

We (husband and I) both agree that we would never want the cops present during a drop off/pick up as it would most likely scare daughter and not be in her best interest. Filing contempt charges against mother (although well with in dad's rights) would only further add flames to an already volatile situation.

What's the best way to deal with this from those of you with more experience?

I would love to have a civil friendly relationship with mom where we could at least communicate about birthdays, christmas presents, ect but I don't see that happening anytime in the near future.

You can attempt to pick up step daughter with that wording. You would have to be aware that mom does NOT have to give the child to you but dad could file contempt. And mother needs to learn that she needs to follow court orders which give you the right to pick up the child. Maybe father should talk to mother about the fact that you might have to pick up child at some point and he should work towards HEALING the situation at this point.

 

[amyjrn]

You can attempt to pick up step daughter with that wording. You would have to be aware that mom does NOT have to give the child to you

thanks zigner...


This is the part that confuses me. How is it that mom does not have to give the child to me leagly if I am a competent adult?

Trust me that we have both done EVERY thing humanly possible to keep mom happy. And hope to avoid this scenario in the future. However, it is very possible that this situation could come up and I was curious what the legal ramifications would be. Thanks for the responses.

 

[mistoffolees]

How long has the court order been in effect?

I doubt you would get any assistance from the police for Mom to turn the child over to you... even with that wording. It is a civil matter and the police cannot force Mom to turn the child over to you.

If Dad is not available until after the child's bed time anyway then maybe Saturday morning would be a better time for him to pick the child up. Is there another adult that could help, that Mom would give the child to?

This will all eventually blow over... if you don't add fuel by calling the police, or filing contempt. I would give it some time and see what happens.

I'm not so sure. I wouldn't call the police - because they're not likely to do anything and that just makes Mom feel that she's in control.

I'm not sure about contempt though. I think I would do the following:

1. If there's someone else to pick up the child, have them do it.
2. If not, then have OP pick the child up.
3. If Mom refuses to release the child, have attorney send her a letter saying that if she does it again, Dad will file for contempt
4. If she does it again, file for contempt and ask for sanctions against her - and/or file for custody on the basis of her interfering with his court-ordered visitation.

I don't mind starting out nice, but if the other parent refuses to follow the rules, sometimes you have to put your foot down.

 

[LdiJ]

I'm not so sure. I wouldn't call the police - because they're not likely to do anything and that just makes Mom feel that she's in control.

I'm not sure about contempt though. I think I would do the following:

1. If there's someone else to pick up the child, have them do it.
2. If not, then have OP pick the child up.
3. If Mom refuses to release the child, have attorney send her a letter saying that if she does it again, Dad will file for contempt
4. If she does it again, file for contempt and ask for sanctions against her - and/or file for custody on the basis of her interfering with his court-ordered visitation.

I don't mind starting out nice, but if the other parent refuses to follow the rules, sometimes you have to put your foot down.

I am not sure that I agree with this...at least not without knowing more information regarding why mom feels the way that she feels. Sometimes its just not a good idea to shove the new significant other/spouse into the other parent's face. Sometimes its honestly better, for the sake of harmony, for the new significant other/spouse to remain in the background as far as that sort of thing is concerned...particularly if dad really won't be available until after the child's bedtime. That makes it a combo of the new significant other/spouse not only doing the pickup, but also being the only person that is going to be spending any time with the child that evening.

 

[majomom1]

I'm not so sure. I wouldn't call the police - because they're not likely to do anything and that just makes Mom feel that she's in control.

I'm not sure about contempt though. I think I would do the following:

1. If there's someone else to pick up the child, have them do it.
2. If not, then have OP pick the child up.
3. If Mom refuses to release the child, have attorney send her a letter saying that if she does it again, Dad will file for contempt
4. If she does it again, file for contempt and ask for sanctions against her - and/or file for custody on the basis of her interfering with his court-ordered visitation.

I don't mind starting out nice, but if the other parent refuses to follow the rules, sometimes you have to put your foot down.

I agree with the starting out nice and setting the foot down if it persists.

But, I'd still like to know how long this order has been in effect. Step Mom gives the impression it has been a while and she is only "anticipating" what would happen if this were to come up.

If it hasn't happen yet... why borrow trouble? And if it is going to be a RARE occasion when this happens, then why even bother with going to court for contempt. Find another adult or pick up on Sat morning and use the money saved for a special trip.

 

[mistoffolees]

I agree with the starting out nice and setting the foot down if it persists.

But, I'd still like to know how long this order has been in effect. Step Mom gives the impression it has been a while and she is only "anticipating" what would happen if this were to come up.

If it hasn't happen yet... why borrow trouble? And if it is going to be a RARE occasion when this happens, then why even bother with going to court for contempt. Find another adult or pick up on Sat morning and use the money saved for a special trip.

Apparently, you didn't read what I wrote.

The first suggestion I gave was to have someone else pick up the kid if possible - and only go with SM if no one else was available.

Obviously, it doesn't make sense to fight about it if it's a once in a lifetime thing. But, at the same time, if Mom DOES violate a clear court order, she needs to be told that it's not acceptable.

 

[majomom1]

Apparently, you didn't read what I wrote.

The first suggestion I gave was to have someone else pick up the kid if possible - and only go with SM if no one else was available.

Obviously, it doesn't make sense to fight about it if it's a once in a lifetime thing. But, at the same time, if Mom DOES violate a clear court order, she needs to be told that it's not acceptable.

I read what you wrote... and I also suggested another adult do the pickup in post #2.

I was agreeing with your statement to start out nice, but eventually put the foot down if it became necessary.

 

[amyjrn]

Thanks for all the responses. The order has been in effect for about 5 months. I would love nothing more than to be able to have a civil friendly relationship with her. It's my "opinion" that she sill has hard feelings about the break up. I'm smart enough to know that when it comes to a bad break up there is his side, her side, and some where in the middle is the truth. Again...that's only my opinion.

She has sent me threatening emails (of which I did not respond) which only leads me to believe that a civil relationship is not in the immediate future. So I am definitely laying low. I fully understand that this is not my child...but again I just wish the adults could be adults.

As far as "putting the preverbal foot down" that is definitely up to dad. I am here to support his choices.

 

[majomom1]

Thanks for all the responses. The order has been in effect for about 5 months. I would love nothing more than to be able to have a civil friendly relationship with her. It's my "opinion" that she sill has hard feelings about the break up. I'm smart enough to know that when it comes to a bad break up there is his side, her side, and some where in the middle is the truth. Again...that's only my opinion.

She has sent me threatening emails (of which I did not respond) which only leads me to believe that a civil relationship is not in the immediate future. So I am definitely laying low. I fully understand that this is not my child...but again I just wish the adults could be adults.

As far as "putting the preverbal foot down" that is definitely up to dad. I am here to support his choices.

Time will eventually heal...

Legally you should be allowed to pick up the child, but the only one that can sanction Mom for not following the court order is the Judge.

As Ldi stated... since Dad isn't home until after bedtime anyway he is not really losing this time, so it may not be cost effective to file contempt at this point. If it becomes necessary, in the future, for you to do the pickups, then he could file contempt to enforce it.

He just needs to weigh how often that will happen and if it justifies the money to file contempt. If it comes to that point, I think I would first have his attorney send Mom a polite letter reminding her of what the court order says and warning her that he will file contempt if she doesn't comply.

But... beware. If it is only an occasional thing, and Dad creates a fuss, then the judge could just as easily modify the order for a Sat morning pickup too. You just never know what those judges will do.