custody and vacation

[tiredofthegamez]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA

I had a thread posted that had members asking (some) questions and letting opinions fly, but someone closed it and prohibited me from responding. If I may use this thread to address those posts....


stealth2 - you had made some remarks about my question regarding the itinerary for the trip. Of course I want to know how to reach son in case of emergency, and YES I would provide that info to his mother. If you'd noticed, I had said that I was asking because she has had a (long) history of keeping that kind of info (or most info) from me.
Example: (and what prompted this most recent hearing) this past Sept. when I'd gone to pick up son on scheduled weekend, no one answered, and I didn't find out 'til after I got back home that she sent e-mail to say that she'd left with him beforehand. Then when I asked her why son wasn't there and where he had been- her reply? "None of your business". Which she'd also said when she indicated she'd be moving and I inquired about the address....so there was another instance of going to pick son up and having no idea where he was. So if she hasn't shared info about his whereabouts even when it IS scheduled custody time, what makes you think that she will share vacation contact info when it comes to "her"time?

I won't assume (as members here seem wont to do), so I'll ask- how many of you have gone to spend time with kiddo(s) and had no idea at all where they were, how they were etc. ? How did YOU feel? Was it ok by you, or is it still considered "not a hill worth dying on"?

Another thing about the itinerary- I am not, personally, expecting set details or anything at this point. She was giving her notice of the first week she was selecting and a trip, and (as per the order) was to include an itinerary (never said it had to be specific). She sent 2 emails where she only mentioned "a trip"- no details, at all. That's what I was noting. Now she has said Jersey Shore, travelling with friends, already paid for a condo etc.

Side note- seems it has not occured to anyone that there's a POSSIBILITY that she doesn't have this trip (or any trip) planned. She has a proven history of lying, manipulating etc. But again- doesn't seem to make a difference, you have formed a collective opinion against me even though you are not in the situation.

Again with the whole opinion that I "insist on standing my ground/being a PITA/dying on this hill" etc. Really, I am coming across this way? Or is that how you want to see it? I have not, in any of my posts, said that I've told his mother "Because I gave you required notice first, I'm picking him up on the dates I gave you and that's final". I kept asking for info/advice on WHEN I could pick son up and have been trying my best to work it out with Mom (still am, FYI, and she does insist on the dates she gave). The answers I've been given all seem to confer (and I won't waste any more time trying to clarify this after)- "when Mom agrees to it/has had the week that she selected". And I know that I said in that thread (more than once I believe) that I do not, and cannot, fight her from taking son as she wants to. How does that end up being interpreted as "you insist on standing your ground**punishing' Mom"???

Yes, I have been confused by the technicalities of dates/ "weeks"....another reason I was seeking advice before proceeding. I would have thought that if you took a vacation on July 1st,2nd,3rd...up to and including July 7th, would you not be on vacation for seven days a.k.a. - a week? Personally, I've been brought up to believe that the only "stupid" questions are the ones you never ask, but perhaps it depends on the people you ask. Maybe no one read the part where I said that Mom knew, and had sent signed return receipt, that there would be a hearing to appear for and that additional time in the summer was being requested. I repeat again- she did not come to the hearing. Since she says that her and son have been planning this trip since LAST summer, if she had said there "I plan to take a trip with son in July and therefore need that time", and mediator and judge had told me or put in the order "In July, on these dates/times, Mom will have vacation time", I would not be questioning anything. Is there any clearer way I can say that? Fact is, she never even mentioned anything about a trip or summer vacation until AFTER I said something to her about the weeks I was thinking about.

 

[tiredofthegamez]

CJane- to quote you here, "nothing was done by WHO?"

The police and the court.

"What did you WANT 'someone' to do about it?"

The police to at least file record of denied visitations, so that it could be shown to the court, as the court was requesting in past hearings. Which, ironically, is advice I was given here before....so why do I now keep being SHOUTED at about it and told that I'm "just hoping to 'punish' Mom"?

"HUGE ...for a judge to...add time with you....based on allegations of contempt", "THAT IS something done about it" , "just focus on time with your child"

If it were personally you going through it, and you had been denied and missed time with your child(ren) on an on-going basis, would you consider extra time ordered that MIGHT not happen as 'something done about it'? Please consider. No, I don't know for a fact that his mother will use her vacation and deny ours. But it is a very real possibilty, and seems easily encouraged/condoned in this situation. Very hard to focus on that time if there is no time spent with child.

I can't say for sure that I have her current cell phone # (also a long history of denied and harassing communication, but that's a different issue). I know she got an iPhone awhile ago, and that's not what she was using when either of us last had contact by phone.

_________

LdiJ- I do appreciate your straightforward input in the two posts about contact info, what defines a week etc.

______________

Mom_of_Two

I don't know how much clearer I could be that I am not insisting. I was only trying to explain that the 15th is a specified custody time in case I go to pick son up and he is not there or doesn't want to go. And that I had thought the 15th would be going past the first two weeks of July (please,people, hold the stones and forgive my confusion!)

I believe she had said she was taking him to the 16th and they would be home that date, now you are saying to let her have until the 17th....which means what, to attempt pick up on the 18th? THIS is why I've been confused about when to pick him up....

__________
What I do not appreciate are the last two posts made about me before someone closed the thread. Despite what I have said about trying to figure things out and that I have NOT yet sent his mother a new notice saying "I will be there on this date to pick him up for first week of summer vacation"; you decided to make a final "obvious" judgement on me. And something was said before wondering why I feel that it was implied that custody order means nothing? See above- many comments assuming that I'm out to 'make Mom wrong', 'punish' Mom, 'just stir trouble', 'make a huge issue out of something little'- I didn't know that any of you would consider not being able to spend time with your child(ren) as a 'hill not worth dying on'. That trying to take steps to ensure that time is spent with child makes me a bad guy somehow. I thought this site is called FreeAdvice, not FreeJudgmentalOpinions or FreeSnark. I can hear that just about anywhere, namely from his mom (and I have, ad naseum, for 6+ years now). I wouldn't ever try to discourage someone in a similar situation from wanting to spend time with and have a good relationship with child(ren), and dole out this kind of "advice"

But what do I know?...I'm just the "a**hole sperm donor" (his mother's words) who will not be asking any more questions here or reading any more of the things on this site, so go ahead and continue hen-pecking on me if that's what you'd like.

The only true judge is above me

 

[Mom_of_Two]

What I should have said was pick son up on the 17th, if she wants him until the 16th. My point was to not make a stink about it normally being your weekend, because this is something separate. It is about taking vacation (special days), and that will override normal visitation. I get that mom is being frustrating, and maybe she doesn't have any trip planned or she just planned it....but if you take her back to court and make a serious stink about this, I think the judge may view you as being unreasonable and hard to work with. I doubt he is going to be thrilled that he needs to give an operational definition of where the middle of July lands.
Now, if mom doesn't provide son on the 17th, then file for contempt. Hopefully mom won't want to play any silly games, and you will have a fabulous time on your time!

 

[novemberbride]

Well, I was one of the last two posters on your old thread-And, I still stand by what I said. You're insisting of playing games instead of working it out. If you're so "tiredofthegamez" then stop playing them.

I welcome you to read my posting history. Click on my user name, then click on the statistics tab. Then, click on "show all threads started by novemberbride". I have made issues about vacation times, and recieved a lot of the same advice from the seniors. Rather than picking up my toys and going home, I sucked it up. The things people say to you here is really no different than what a judge or mediator will tell you.

If you don't want the advice, then don't take it. I have used the advice from the volunteers here, and it has substantially changed the way I deal with my ex, and has also changed my situation with the court. I have a court order and the judges final decision stating "respondent (me) has matured and has proven to be the parent who is most willing to coparent and cooroporate" That didn't happen because I went screaming into court every time my ex made a**hole move. That happened because when he makes those a**hole moves, I put my big girl pants on and act like a lady. My ex recently gave me one day notice for a vacation he wanted to take the following day. I could have been an ahole, but, really the only person who would have gotten hurt would have been our daughter. And how did I learn how to do that you ask? From getting my booty handed to me by a few seniors. And you know what, I am so grateful for those booty chewings.

No one here thinks you not getting to see your kids isn't a problem. It is. If you ex is pulling stupid stuff, then shame on her.

I've already told you what to do if your ex denies your vacation, or visitation.

Have you picked your vacation days yet??

 

[mistoffolees]

Again with the whole opinion that I "insist on standing my ground/being a PITA/dying on this hill" etc. Really, I am coming across this way? Or is that how you want to see it?

When just about everyone is telling you the same thing, it's not a misperception. That's clearly the way you're coming across.

The fact that you started a brand new thread to rehash the same advice you've received a dozen times confirms that.

CHOOSE YOUR VACATION DATE AND QUIT COMPLAINING.

Well, I was one of the last two posters on your old thread-And, I still stand by what I said. You're insisting of playing games instead of working it out. If you're so "tiredofthegamez" then stop playing them.

I welcome you to read my posting history. Click on my user name, then click on the statistics tab. Then, click on "show all threads started by novemberbride". I have made issues about vacation times, and recieved a lot of the same advice from the seniors. Rather than picking up my toys and going home, I sucked it up. The things people say to you here is really no different than what a judge or mediator will tell you.

If you don't want the advice, then don't take it. I have used the advice from the volunteers here, and it has substantially changed the way I deal with my ex, and has also changed my situation with the court. I have a court order and the judges final decision stating "respondent (me) has matured and has proven to be the parent who is most willing to coparent and cooroporate" That didn't happen because I went screaming into court every time my ex made a**hole move. That happened because when he makes those a**hole moves, I put my big girl pants on and act like a lady. My ex recently gave me one day notice for a vacation he wanted to take the following day. I could have been an ahole, but, really the only person who would have gotten hurt would have been our daughter. And how did I learn how to do that you ask? From getting my booty handed to me by a few seniors. And you know what, I am so grateful for those booty chewings.

It's nice to know that our efforts are appreciated....at least by SOME of the posters.

 

[thetiredwife]

Well, I was one of the last two posters on your old thread-And, I still stand by what I said. You're insisting of playing games instead of working it out. If you're so "tiredofthegamez" then stop playing them.

I welcome you to read my posting history. Click on my user name, then click on the statistics tab. Then, click on "show all threads started by novemberbride". I have made issues about vacation times, and recieved a lot of the same advice from the seniors. Rather than picking up my toys and going home, I sucked it up. The things people say to you here is really no different than what a judge or mediator will tell you.

If you don't want the advice, then don't take it. I have used the advice from the volunteers here, and it has substantially changed the way I deal with my ex, and has also changed my situation with the court. I have a court order and the judges final decision stating "respondent (me) has matured and has proven to be the parent who is most willing to coparent and cooroporate" That didn't happen because I went screaming into court every time my ex made a**hole move. That happened because when he makes those a**hole moves, I put my big girl pants on and act like a lady. And how did I learn how to do that you ask? From getting my booty handed to me by a few seniors. And you know what, I am so grateful for those booty chewings.

No one here thinks you not getting to see your kids isn't a problem. It is. If you ex is pulling stupid stuff, then shame on her.

I've already told you what to do if your ex denies your vacation, or visitation.

Have you picked your vacation days yet??

I am the original poster's wife, and I will reply with some updates. Yes, my husband did send a certified, return-receipt requested notice of dates to the mother of his other son, with the terms she set (that she would drop the child off on the evening of the 16th when they return). Her reply was to send an email to him saying (among other things) what a "hypocrite" he is and that he "doesn't get to control everything"

In the meantime, she also sent him notice that she plans to move into her boyfriend's house in NJ this summer and that she sought my husband's permission to move the child, switch schools etc. (they share legal custody). When he replied that he didn't think it was a good idea (he has no idea who her boyfriend is and there has been a lot of confusion on the child's part about who his Dad is because of her history), she said she will go to get the court to approve the move then. She also repeated that she wants my husband to sign over his rights, drop all custody and she says she will drop support order.

I really don't see how all this equates to the assumption that my husband is insisting on playing games. And I'm sorry if it makes you feel good to "still stand by what [you] said" about people you don't know. I happen to know that the things that some of the posters have said here is not the kinds of things the judges and mediators have told him, and he's never gone screaming into the court. Yes, he did post to seek advice....but do either of us think most of the comments were "outstanding advice" (as the tagline says)? No. I don't see any need for "booty chewings"- all that was necessary in this case was, "wording of the order will not take precedence if the judge decides that his mother should have the vacation time first." Simple, non-judgemental.

 

[thetiredwife]

When just about everyone is telling you the same thing, it's not a misperception. That's clearly the way you're coming across.

The fact that you started a brand new thread to rehash the same advice you've received a dozen times confirms that.

CHOOSE YOUR VACATION DATE AND QUIT COMPLAINING.



It's nice to know that our efforts are appreciated....at least by SOME of the posters.

So, using this logic, I guess it is fair to say that you and several other members here are coming across as rude, since my husband and I have read many similar comments from others seeking advice. Not a misperception, right?

Even in the sticky I read, it says to not post in all CAPS, it is considered rude and shouting. So I don't know why you felt the need to do so. How is that behavior helpful to questions asked? The vacation dates have been chosen now- signed, sealed, delivered.....is the problem solved. Nope. Now the mother also wants to move the child out of state and for my husband to "sign the child over" to her. Nope, not a thing to "complain" about....in your perception, apparently all is well and fine in this situation

 

[stealth2]

I am the original poster's wife, and I will reply with some updates.

What - hubby can't do it himself? Please - take his balls out of your purse and hand them back to him. He's a big boy - he can fight his own battles.

Thanks.

ETA: I will say that I must have missed this thread when it was first posted, because I can guarantee that I would have responded to it. OP completely missed my point. But I will not do so further until HE returns. I'm sorry, but I do not deal with third parties outside of very specific situations.

 

[mistoffolees]

ETA: I will say that I must have missed this thread when it was first posted, because I can guarantee that I would have responded to it.

You really didn't miss much. It was another of those threads where OP made a mountain out of a molehill and then continued to insist that it was Mt. Everest even after 20 people showed him how easy it was to simply step around it.

 

[stealth2]

As with most threads here, this is nothing new. Most of us replying have been through something similar. OP isn't speshul.

 

[mistoffolees]

As with most threads here, this is nothing new. Most of us replying have been through something similar. OP isn't speshul.

Nor is his new wife.

 

[thetiredwife]

What - hubby can't do it himself? Please - take his balls out of your purse and hand them back to him. He's a big boy - he can fight his own battles.

Thanks.

ETA: I will say that I must have missed this thread when it was first posted, because I can guarantee that I would have responded to it. OP completely missed my point. But I will not do so further until HE returns. I'm sorry, but I do not deal with third parties outside of very specific situations.

Again, with the attitude...sure, hubby could post. He did, and decided he was done dealing with people who want to sit behind a screen and make a bunch of commentary instead of truly giving helpful advice (which the site states is it's true purpose).

If you choose not to respond, I'm not asking you to. Yet you still did. I'm not going against any of the rules in the sticky. I am not pretending to be anyone in the situation, I'm not typing in all CAPS. The only thing I would consider asking is to realize that none of you truly know what is going on, so why all the presumptive comments?

 

[thetiredwife]

Nor is his new wife.

"New wife"? Presumptive. Only wife. Really, you can't ask what the situation truly is before you comment?

 

[mistoffolees]

"New wife"? Presumptive. Only wife. Really, you can't ask what the situation truly is before you comment?

Really, you can't ask if I care before you comment? :roll eyes:

Hint: I don't. You are not a party to the matter as explained in the sticky if you'd bother to read it. Most seniors here don't waste time answering questions for third parties. End of discussion.

 

[stealth2]

Again, with the attitude...sure, hubby could post. He did, and decided he was done dealing with people who want to sit behind a screen and make a bunch of commentary instead of truly giving helpful advice (which the site states is it's true purpose).

If you choose not to respond, I'm not asking you to. Yet you still did. I'm not going against any of the rules in the sticky. I am not pretending to be anyone in the situation, I'm not typing in all CAPS. The only thing I would consider asking is to realize that none of you truly know what is going on, so why all the presumptive comments?

The point is - your input is moot. No one cares. Not us. Not his ex. Not the court. You're meaningless in this situation.

Your hubby... if he was willing to take time and really listen to what is behind what was posted? Might gain some insight. Because some of us have dealt with the same situations. I know I have. And I could share how I've handled it. But he doesn't want to hear it. Doesn't want to hear that some things really are NOT worth getting worked up about. He'd rather whine and then hide behind his wifey. Good thing he married someone with balls. Well... someone willing to carry his around.