Daycare Demands

[GoodDadtoBK]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

My ex and I share joint legal and physical custody of our 2.5 year old. We share 50/50 parenting time with our daughter. During our last court appearance, the mother was given permission to move about 70 miles away from her current address.

The Judge told us both that we are each allowed to enroll our daughter in a pre-school/daycare in our area. I have found a half-day pre-school/daycare that I would like my daughter to attend so I emailed my ex to tell her the name and location of the school.

She emailed me back telling me that she agrees that our daughter needs to be in a school socializing with other children, but she doesn't think it should happen until June. Her reason for this is because she also wants to enroll our daughter in a school in her area and she thinks she should start the schools at the same time. She is also demanding that she be there for the registration process.

I think it is foolish for her to say that waiting three months is going to make a difference. I also believe that she only wants to hold up the enrollment process because she does not want me to have an "advantage" once it is time for our daughter to begin her actual pre-school (we will be going back to court to determine which school district our daughter will be enrolled in).

Does she have the right to demand these things? If the Judge told both of us that we are allowed to enroll our daughter in a pre-school, is that all I need?

The original court order states this about school:
"In exercising joint legal custody, the parents must consult in making the following decisions:Enrollment in, or leaving, a particular private or public school or daycare center".

Thank you in advance for your help

 

[Isis1]

So you want to enroll her first so you'll have the advantage instead?

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

So you want to enroll her first so you'll have the advantage instead?

No, I need to enroll her because on one of the days that I have her I need child care. That is why the judge told us we are both allowed to enroll her.

 

[Isis1]

No, I need to enroll her because on one of the days that I have her I need child care. That is why the judge told us we are both allowed to enroll her.

Then simply enroll her for YOUR parenting time.

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

Right, that is all I am trying to do. It has nothing to do with her parenting time. She said she will be enrolling her at a center in her area once she is all moved into her new home. I was just wondering if I have to give in to demands of waiting until she thinks it is best for her to start.

 

[CJane]

Right, that is all I am trying to do. It has nothing to do with her parenting time. She said she will be enrolling her at a center in her area once she is all moved into her new home. I was just wondering if I have to give in to demands of waiting until she thinks it is best for her to start.

Well, you don't have to, no. But part of consulting is actually discussing the issues and coming to some sort of compromise. Whether that compromise is for you to wait, her to move up the process, or agree to disagree.

Coming at it from a "why should I give an inch on this one?" point of view (for either of you) isn't ever going to result in a good coparenting relationship.

Question - even with mom 70 miles away, you're still doing 50/50? What's the actual schedule?

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

Well, you don't have to, no. But part of consulting is actually discussing the issues and coming to some sort of compromise. Whether that compromise is for you to wait, her to move up the process, or agree to disagree.

Coming at it from a "why should I give an inch on this one?" point of view (for either of you) isn't ever going to result in a good coparenting relationship.

Question - even with mom 70 miles away, you're still doing 50/50? What's the actual schedule?

The Judge actually increased my pareting time when we were in court for mom to move away. Prior to going to court, I only had our daughter on my days off. I now have her Monday evenings at 6:00 until Thursday morning at 8:30 am; as well as every other weekend.

The judge told mom that her moving is going to create a huge mess once it is time for our daughter to begin school. She also recommended that mom remain in this area until she has an actual job offer in the area in which she is trying to move. Mom decided against this advice and moved anyway and now commutes to work.

 

[ecmst12]

I suspect mom might move back when it's time to start school, rather then give up even more time, but who knows.

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

I suspect mom might move back when it's time to start school, rather then give up even more time, but who knows.

I would hope so, but I think Mom is thinking that the Judge will allow our daughter to begin school there. I voiced this concern to the Judge but was told that because our daughter is so young, she can't take that into consideration right now.

 

[Antigone*]

Enroll your daughter, make sure to put mom on all the contact paperwork, and as your back up contact; then tell mom.

When she reacts to what you've done inform her that what you do on your parenting time is your business and leave it at that.

 

[ecmst12]

A lot can happen in 2.5 years; you could move, she could move again, the schedule could change...the judge is right. So just do what is right for you right now. As long as you're not asking mom to pay for it, and the school doesn't have any known child molesters working there or anything like that, she doesn't have any valid reason to object.

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

Thank you so much for your help.

You all have been an invaluable resource.

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

*update*

Here is an update on my situation:

I informed my ex of my intent to enroll our daughter in daycare. She sent me the email (as I explained in an earlier post) with all of her demands. I responded to her email with my reason for enrolling our daughter, and why I thought it was in her best interest. I also informed her that she would be starting the school the next day.

Mom did not respond well to this. She called the school and started to yell at the director. She informed the director that I was not allowed to enroll our daughter and asked the director to write her a letter stating that was her first day and that she was not present for registration. The school director told her that she would not write a letter and that was something her and I are going to have to handle on our own.

Mom then proceeded to GO TO THE SCHOOL. She made a scene, yelled at our daughter's teacher (thank god my daughter had already been picked up for the day). The teacher and director again told her that this is something that we will have to handle on our own.

Needless to say the school is not happy about this. All of this drama happening on my daughter's first day looks ridiculous. I assured them that I will do my best to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen again.

My question is can I do or say anything to Mom to make sure this doesn't happen again? After I spoke with the school I sent her an email telling her that the information that she gave to the school is incorrect and that I am allowed to enroll our daughter. I also told her that if she has any further questions or concerns that she should take this up with me, not the school. I made copies of all of the paperwork that I registered our daughter with so she could see that she is listed as the other parent, as well as a person to call in an emergency. I'm not sure what else I can do. Any advice?

 

[LizzieB]

You've really done all you can. You could suggest to your ex to not create the drama again and it may or may not work.

It's best to not engage her- that's what she wants from you.

In the end, it's up to the child care facility to take action, ie. RO for harassment, verbal abuse, trespassing, etc.

You're doing what's in the best interest of the child.

Now that's not saying what your ex is doing looks good on you from the eyes of the child care facility, but I reiterate, you're doing what you need to do and doing it well.

Good luck.

 

[mistoffolees]

My question is can I do or say anything to Mom to make sure this doesn't happen again? After I spoke with the school I sent her an email telling her that the information that she gave to the school is incorrect and that I am allowed to enroll our daughter. I also told her that if she has any further questions or concerns that she should take this up with me, not the school. I made copies of all of the paperwork that I registered our daughter with so she could see that she is listed as the other parent, as well as a person to call in an emergency. I'm not sure what else I can do. Any advice?

Not a lot. If Mom continues to cause trouble, it might be grounds for changing the custody order.

Meanwhile, if the school doesn't like it, they're free to file for an RO against Mom.