custody issues and how to handle

[tiredofthegamez]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA

Questions will be answered? Let's see.

Since I've heard that words can't seem to be read and comprehended unless they are typed specifically by me (even though that's not always been the case here), so I post again. I'll explain this easy, maybe someone will read with an open mind-

I orignially posted here back in Sept. or Oct. when the oldest son was not as his mother's residence at scheduled pick-up time because she took him out beforehand. At the time, members suggested that I see about getting EOW changed to 1st and 3rd weekends in a month. To see if a neutral location could be used for custody exchange times, and I could get a time-stamped receipt as proof to show my presence. To file for contempt and modification and be prepared with documentation.

All what I considered insightful, non-arrogant answers. No one was saying I was being juvenile. No one made any assumptions about personal details of my case and life or said I just want to stir trouble. If there was any unnecessary bull, I never thought so. Things were kept to the point and questions clearly answered. So I read. I (myself, not my wife) stepped up to the plate and did take the action of going back to the court and actually following through on the advice members gave.

So my opinion is that original thread= good legal advice. I did and will continue to appreciate it in that instance, and think it shows that this site and the members here CAN be helpful to that end.... when you truly want to be. Which is why I came back to post again when the child's mother raised the issue of what she thought about summer vacation schedule.

It really could have stayed that simple, folks.

 

[tiredofthegamez]

What started putting me off is when several of the members here were not using the forum to offer straight, helpful legal advice. Using it to say "You ARE giving Mom a hard time about summer vacation" (even after I had repeatedly said that I was trying to discuss it with her and f-i-g-u-r-e i-t o-u-t . And yet people wanted to snark about if my wife is able to read and understand?). Members kept saying I was fighting her on the dates and "standing my ground" well AFTER I had posted that I actually WAS taking the advice and was going to send her RRR of new dates and giving HER selected dates priority instead). Then you went and turned it into "You ARE a whiner". Later that became "Wifey- you ARE a whiner too".

Do I consider THAT "legal advice" or helpful? No. Really don't know how it "is".

The reason I made a second thread addressing summer vacation questions was when the first one got closed, I still didn't have a clear answer about what date I can legally pick up son now that I can't pick him up on July 15th. I still don't know that police or court would file it as a denied visit if she doesn't drop son off on the night of July 16th...so whatever happens, happens. It was the continuing posts that made it more complicated and turned things south. I get that I'm not paying you, so if you didn't want to read through and help, you certainly didn't have to answer.

Shouting "QUIT COMPLAINING" and "tough patooties" is the same attitude I've heard from a 9 year old. That's how 9 year old son is to his half-sisters and half-brother here actually. We don't stand for it from him and won't listen to it here either. After you decided to get rude and arrogant, all bets were off.

I was told that several posters said that a judge or mediator (the REAL legal word in custody cases) would say the same things. Some of y'all really act like you know everything. The truth is- I never heard anything about my balls (or similar comments posted) from the judges and mediators I have had experience with. Posts about that (in place of answering questions) struck both my wife and I as just so amusingly absurd.
Believe me when I say that the only one who'd like to think she owns my cojones (and her 1st ex-husband's....and her 2nd ex-husband's...and...) is oldest son's mother.
I'll share a little experience here---- in my case, in this state and county, they said it did not speak well for his mother that she did not come to the hearing after signing the receipt that she was served the papers. That they did note denied visitations, and that's why she could be held in contempt if she continues. That current order is how it should have been made back in 2005. They directed no negative personal comments about me at all. But just as you kept claiming me and wife don't want to hear things, some of those that replied also won't hear what you don't agree with or PERSONALLY think "is" true.

Hello there Pot. Here's a mirror- you've got some blackness on you. And I'm actually a skillet.

Both my wife and I have heard more than enough of such similar attitude from his mother (and her mom, and her 2nd husband)- through calls, e-mails, personal confrontations etc. Bottom line- it did not help any of the kids.
Neither did those posts. (con't)

 

[Proserpina]

Do you have a legal question or are you just going to vent some more?

 

[tiredofthegamez]

If anyone here got off on thinking their smugness made either of us feel inferior to yourselves, you thought wrong. That doesn't mean I tolerate the way my wife was treated here or anyone implying that maybe I don't truly care about ALL of my children. That stuff crossed the line.

That said, I know that a few bad apples don't spoil the whole bunch. None of this is meant to be directed at all the members posts that me or wife read. Even now, I give hearty thanks for some of what was said.
I can even say that some of the name offenders that I am addressing here still made SOME good points.
However, it won't change my mind about the uncalled-for hogwash.

Some more legal advice I can say from personal experience- Judges don't care for your opinions. You walk into court saying something like your ex or current husband has his balls being carried around or your baby mama is a whiner, you're just gonna end up looking silly and petty and likely shooting yourself in the foot. They're there to decide what is in kid's best interest- not to listen to hostile character judgements on the other parent. They want facts. Facts that can be proven at that. And another thing- as far as real legalities go, wording is CRUCIAL. You'd better be able to clearly differentiate the meaning between words like "if" and "is"- one solitary different letter but a WHOLE different meaning. Something that I noticed a few peeps here seemed not to grasp.

Also, any good judge knows better than to write an order or make a decision in a case without knowing at least some basic facts first. And I've never met any that were so naive to assume that all child custody situations *MUST* mean that it is strictly 1 mom and 1 dad, and they "must" have divorced, and anyone else that Mom or Dad are with "MUST" be a "next spouse". So taking attitude at my wife for saying who she was and further posting that she was my "new wife" or a "stepparent" that is not involved "at all"? Makes you look very narrow-minded......

 

[tiredofthegamez]

More than a couple folks here really seem to like insisting that reading every word they say might somehow "make me see" that they "ARE right"....and should a poster disagree then you treat them as if they "MUST BE" a peon. Wait- this being a so-called legal forum, I'll follow the law and repeat back something that was FACTUALLY posted here- about my wife physically carrying my balls around. In real-life truth-- Yep, still attached.

She was not wrong in saying that is the kind of thing I didn't want to keep reading and wasn't helping anything. If you were here with a legal question, is that honestly what you'd want to read? Would it feel like you got helpful legal advice from that statement? Would you want to keep wasting your time on a site where people kept posting useless comments like that? Doubtful. But hey- if so, that's your prerogative. I didn't and still don't.
As I said before- the world's chock full of people I could listen to outside of this site, and the web is full of places to splatter your opinions and make small talk- Yahoo, YouTube, Facebook and MySpace etc. Forums too. I hear Lipstick Alley is one that might be better suited to some of you individuals. But as for a so-called LEGAL discussion forum? Maybe not the best place for some of what we've seen here. There are also other websites for specialized topics that are at least more representative of what they say they are for (Surviving Infidelity being one example).....this one? Yeah, not so much. A place where Senior Members have posted about their fave alcoholic drinks, the weather, and a whole lot of nyuk-nyuk banter-- but a newbie posts about an article and you turn on her for "cluttering" a *LEGAL* forum. Funnee, the superiority complexes on display. You ever hear "judge not, lest ye be judged"?

So then my wife posted because (bless her heart) she has a good deal more patience than I for dealing with that crap. She's also been a website mod, made so by another moderator because they saw and decided that she used fair judgement on acceptable use. She posted about how the oldest son's mother's reaction to my mailing her the official summer vacation notice was to say I should sign the child over to her- and then "hopefully the papers you just mailed won't matter and it will be obsolete". Yes, his mother factually said this. Kind of figured something like that would come, and said as much, but most of you seemed to think that granting the dates she wanted should be the end of it. And in another few e-mails said that she has already started the process of going to court so she will move our child into her boyfriend's house (along with her other children, but that's for their respective fathers to deal with)

Actually addressing THAT legal matter now......that is, if any mature folks have hung in to read and no one's gotten "Lock"- happy.....

 

[tiredofthegamez]

Do you have a legal question or are you just going to vent some more?

I do, getting there now....

 

[tiredofthegamez]

.....When I told his mother that I didn't agree, it's because my concern is that I don't even know the person....and to be honest, how well does she know him? She kicked her first husband out and filed a PFA on him for allegedly shaking their daughter. I think that went unfounded because the hospital told her they found no injuries on the child. In 2002/2003 (after oldest son was born), she started having him around him and his half-sister and was having sex with him again, but then charged him w/ abuse on herself that time and they divorced.

The FACTS in this situation are that this would be the third male adult in his life that oldest son would be living with - he also lived with her stepdad (who is deceased now, and son said that was because of "alcohol sickness") and her 2nd husband. As for how many guys she has further introduced son to over the years, who knows? Only her. I don't say that out of jealousy about other guys- I never loved her. In fact, I've always hoped that she could stay with somebody that is good to her and the kids, and hoped that she'd mellow.

My concern is that she wants to move into this guy's place when she currently has her own....now if he is abusive like she said her 1st husband got, or fights with her like her 2nd husband did....then where would that leave our son together? I would think that with it being his property, she'd be in a bad spot if, say, he demanded her to suddenly get out. I don't want our son to end up in a situation on the street (in her care) if things went bad that way.

What I don't get is that so many members here kept repeating "wifey has no involvement, wifey has no involvement, shut up- no involvement", wasn't able to even post on a public internet forum without getting trashed for it....yet this guy has rights to have son physically live with him? Is he not ALSO a third party to the case and the child? Seems like a blatant double-standard and I didn't know there were any laws allowing that Mom's most recent guy doesn't qualify as a third party, but my wife does- and this child's mother has known my wife since they met TWENTY years ago. Honestly, I'm not sure how long Mom has been with him, can't be for more than a few years because I know for a fact that in Sept. 2008 she was still married to and living with her 2nd husband. Sent me several e-mails at the time ( one with the both of them keeping CAPS on for three damn paragraphs), swearing out me and yeah, my wife too, that her 2nd husband should adopt our son and that HE was the "better father!". Was her 2nd hubby not ANOTHER third party as well as y'all loved to point out my wife is? Was it his and mom's place to insist any of that and say that I've been "playing Daddy"? Is it right that Mom won't speak of me as his father, to the point where kiddo directly told me about his "Dad" while visiting here?

Other factual details you don't know (again which my wife attempted to mention, but you wouldn't read it from her)- some members alluded or asked about if his mom knows my wife. They met back in 1991. In 1999, my wife and I let her, her 1st husband and their daughter move in with us for a few months and I married my wife that same year. My wife was the labor coach when oldest son was born in 2002 (don't ask now). Provided childcare for both this son AND his older half-sister. So if any of you folk have paid attention and read that, hopefully you'll see and comprehend that YES- his mother knew my wife and trusted her to care for her children.

 

[Proserpina]

Oh, I'm not reading your diatribe.

I may answer a legal question if you have one.

And I'll enlighten you to the fact that only you or the moderator can "lock" a thread.

 

[tiredofthegamez]

Still with me here? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Some of you spent additional posts going on about what you think are the "facts" here and what YOU think of my wife and I. Since you were able to post that (even though ALL of you are third parties in my case), I (actually BEING one of the legal parties) will post from my side what my wife IS.

My wife is a good woman. A smart woman. A voice of reason. A wonderful mother to our kids.

I love her. And by now, MAYBE you've come to realize that I cheated on her- with oldest son's mother. Both of us were married, but never to each other, and that one son is the ONLY child I have with her. She also knew I already had children WITH my wife.....and I'll repeat in case you've still missed it- she already had one child from her first marriage.

Based on what's gone down so far, I'll bet there's at LEAST one member here gearing up to bring on the criticisms towards me for betraying my wife. Actually help some other poster with legal advice instead, because no one here can make me feel worse about that than I have already. I'm man enough to know that I screwed up HORRIBLY and hurt my wife AND the kids by doing that.
Completely aware of the fact that I brought these consequences on.

IF you'll allow me to post some further personal advice- what I realized is that beating myself up wasn't going to help things move forward. So me and my wife focused on our marriage, on the kids. We learned a lot that helped, but also learned that some things- no matter what you do- can't always be helped. And that you won't get anywhere dwelling on it or spinning your wheels when that happens- you've got to change your course of action......

 

[tiredofthegamez]

....which is what I was doing when I said I was done reading inane commentary compared to helpful legal answers. You wanted to engage me through my wife, that says some things about yourselves as well.

Seems a common refrain from a few Senior Members ends up with it being said "Go pay for a lawyer". Man, if that's the Free Advice, I ( along with everyone else) can just keep posting the same thing. If you're someone here with a legal question? - go pay a lawyer. That was easy! I wonder if the SMs saying that are attorneys in real-life who hope to be just that lawyer. That'd be a real clever tactic. Snaky and passive-aggressive, but clever. Not going to happen here though.
If you STILL don't understand what I've said so far, I have a family and kids and costs of living that would be affected if I were still paying the exorbitant fees lawyers want.

That's why its kind of a shame this site ended up coming across as acting more Secret Society. If you assume that means I no longer would like true legal advice, you're mistaken. But there are other sites and other off-line resources for that. This site and these members aren't "speshul" and exclusive for that purpose. And if you think me giving all custody of 9 year old son over to his mom means I don't care, you're mistaken on that as well. Yes, I'm tired of his mother's games. And as I said above--- I've learned that the only person one is capable of changing is themselves, and that some things that you can't change you need to learn to let go. Some things in life really are futile. When the other side has declared battle long ago and won't stop firing- maybe it is time to leave the fight or, as you said, end up dying on the hill. It isn't an easy decision by any means, and we'll have to explain to our children that their half-brother won't be visiting anymore, but that is for US (BOTH my wife and I) to deal with.

The decision to stay off this site? Very easy.

Maybe you can learn to give future advice-seekers here an easier time. Maybe not. Could use the subject matter for some material though.

As you were and as I bet some will....my Spidey-sense tells me that there's a Closed thread brewing (or already brewed), fitting to the mind-frame some of you have

 

[stealth2]

I actually read it all, and there is still no legal question. I'm sorry that you still don't understand that your wife has NO LEGAL STANDING when it comes to your son or your legal affairs. Here, we prefer to deal with a party that DOES have legal standing and is a party to the case. That would be you.

End of story. Period.

 

[Proserpina]

I actually read it all, and there is still no legal question. I'm sorry that you still don't understand that your wife has NO LEGAL STANDING when it comes to your son or your legal affairs. Here, we prefer to deal with a party that DOES have legal standing and is a party to the case. That would be you.

End of story. Period.

And bless you for doing so!

 

[InfantCustody]

I actually read it all, and there is still no legal question. I'm sorry that you still don't understand that your wife has NO LEGAL STANDING when it comes to your son or your legal affairs. Here, we prefer to deal with a party that DOES have legal standing and is a party to the case. That would be you.

End of story. Period.

Wow. That is amazing! I read the first four and then the words started to blend together.

 

[mistoffolees]

Oh, I'm not reading your diatribe.

I may answer a legal question if you have one.

Good for you, but I'm not sure I'd bother. Since OP seems more interested in attacking the volunteers here than in getting valid legal help, he's just not worth my time.

 

[LdiJ]

I am going to try, although I am not sure its going to help.

To get back to summer vacations. I explained to you thoroughly on that thread. Pick two weeks now and if mom doesn't cooperate, take it to court. I still think that you were making the whole thing more adversarial than it needed to be. You can pick a week that includes one of her weekends since she picked a week that included one of yours.

As far as mom living with someone....she has the right to do that, just as you have the right to live with your wife. That doesn't mean that either one of them have any rights where the child is concerned. If mom's boyfriend posted here we would have also explained to him that he was a third party with no rights and that he should get mom to post.