Summer School

[MichaCA]

I hesitate to say, because I agree with the poster about she needs to be doing something she likes...however child is taking a multitude of extra curriculars.

The first thing that came up for me was the piano. How committed are you to her learning piano. Does she like it? My experience with piano is it was really a burden and more nagging necessary on my moms part. I suggest, only since child is struggling with school, and there is a struggle for time in general...take out the piano...and possibly even other things. I think its important for kids to have some down time. Do good yes, get their homework done, chores done, yes...but they need to be able to relax in there somewhere. But thats just me...I prefer to have downtime rather than have MY schedule crammed with quality activities...and my daughter is very similar. Horseback riding 2xweek, very regular hw and chores, family counseling, and the rest is downtime/social time.

 

[luvisabattle]

As a teacher and a parent, I don't know that I agree with this completely. She likely feels very badly about herself. It has been stated that she is an "average" student in a school where "average" is basically looked down on. That can't be easy. Some kids, no matter how much you punish, take away privileges, ban them from outside life completely, are just not "above average." This is a fact that some parents refuse to recognize. I have two children. One is an eighth grader making straight A's in ninth grade honors classes. My younger one does reasonably well, but she will NEVER be like my younger one, no matter how hard I push her.

So, I think that an activity that gives this child a chance to be successful at SOMETHING and not feel worthless is a GOOD thing. And, as contradictory as it may seem, her grades/attitude about school may IMPROVE; if she sees she can be good at one thing, she may start to think, "maybe I can be better in school too."

I know, probably not going to be a popular view, but, hey, everyone else is tossing in their non legal opinions!

Reportermom had a similar thought as yours. I have always respected non-conformity.Our daughter was raised entirely by me until three years ago and I admit, I rasied her to be a free spirit. She's creative and does well in music, those are her strengths.

there has to be a happy medium. not gestapo, but not completely endulgent either. Nikki had some great ideas on how to motivate. it does have to be something she wants or this will never work.

 

[luvisabattle]

I hesitate to say, because I agree with the poster about she needs to be doing something she likes...however child is taking a multitude of extra curriculars.

The first thing that came up for me was the piano. How committed are you to her learning piano. Does she like it? My experience with piano is it was really a burden and more nagging necessary on my moms part. I suggest, only since child is struggling with school, and there is a struggle for time in general...take out the piano...and possibly even other things. I think its important for kids to have some down time. Do good yes, get their homework done, chores done, yes...but they need to be able to relax in there somewhere. But thats just me...I prefer to have downtime rather than have MY schedule crammed with quality activities...and my daughter is very similar. Horseback riding 2xweek, very regular hw and chores, family counseling, and the rest is downtime/social time.

she loves the piano. we could cut out some other things and the training is only for another 4 weeks. I could spend more time with her to be honest, I try to do laundry or other chores while doing homework/piano practice. there are some ways we could focus on schoolwork more. we both hate it, so - that's the problem.

 

[MichaCA]

she loves the piano. we could cut out some other things and the training is only for another 4 weeks. I could spend more time with her to be honest, I try to do laundry or other chores while doing homework/piano practice. there are some ways we could focus on schoolwork more. we both hate it, so - that's the problem.

OK, it was just an idea, but if she loves it thats great - so many kids can't stand it, so that says something to me about your daughter. How does she handle the discipline of practicing daily? Does she do better with it than with her school homework?

Perhaps you could use it as a card to play before the next session...if you don't work harder on your homework after school (if she's not putting out the effort there), then I will need to reconsider enrolling you for piano the next session. I need to see----grades before re-enrolling in piano.

It sounds so harsh...but could possibly be one of those 'negative motivators' if you can't find a positive one that works.

 

[luvisabattle]

OK, it was just an idea, but if she loves it thats great - so many kids can't stand it, so that says something to me about your daughter. How does she handle the discipline of practicing daily? Does she do better with it than with her school homework?

Perhaps you could use it as a card to play before the next session...if you don't work harder on your homework after school (if she's not putting out the effort there), then I will need to reconsider enrolling you for piano the next session. I need to see----grades before re-enrolling in piano.

It sounds so harsh...but could possibly be one of those 'negative motivators' if you can't find a positive one that works.

She's spending spring break with her father's family. I'll put a new schedule together with some incentives.

The people who said she will gain more confidence at school the more she gets up to speed scholastically are right, so we'll work on that.

Thanks for your input!

 

[mistoffolees]

Anyway - I'm willing to try the no games, movies, tv etc until work is done. It's constantly a battle of the wills and I'm always the bad guy. but I do get everyother weekend off....

I have to respond to this. If it's a battle of wills, you're doing it wrong.

There should be simple, clear ground rules with very clear consequences. I didn't see the child's age, but it doesn't matter that much to the basic principle.

The rules are non-negotiable. You are expected to get good grades in school (with what constitutes 'good grades' determined in advance). All the fun stuff is a privilege that you earn by doing your work as expected. Going out is entirely optional on parent's part and isn't going to happen unless the grade are decent. If the kid gets in trouble at school or elsewhere, privileges disappear. And so on.

The key is that it's the KID's actions that lead to the consequence, not yours. If you're having to battle, she thinks that things are negotiable - and she is blaming you. Until you get her to the point where she understands that the consequences go with her actions, then you'll battle endlessly. Once she understands that being unable to turn the TV on is because she failed a test, then she knows how to fix the problem.

You also need to monitor regularly. If you're waiting for report cards to come out, it's too late. My daughter's school has grades online so I can check at any time. You might decide that you want to see her homework completed every night before she starts 'fun' stuff. Or you might insist on seeing every test or quiz score the day she receives it. Or whatever. The point is that consequences have to follow actions fairly promptly - and if you wait until the grading period's over, you've lost any impact.

 

[luvisabattle]

I have to respond to this. If it's a battle of wills, you're doing it wrong.

There should be simple, clear ground rules with very clear consequences. I didn't see the child's age, but it doesn't matter that much to the basic principle.

The rules are non-negotiable. You are expected to get good grades in school (with what constitutes 'good grades' determined in advance). All the fun stuff is a privilege that you earn by doing your work as expected. Going out is entirely optional on parent's part and isn't going to happen unless the grade are decent. If the kid gets in trouble at school or elsewhere, privileges disappear. And so on.

The key is that it's the KID's actions that lead to the consequence, not yours. If you're having to battle, she thinks that things are negotiable - and she is blaming you. Until you get her to the point where she understands that the consequences go with her actions, then you'll battle endlessly. Once she understands that being unable to turn the TV on is because she failed a test, then she knows how to fix the problem.

You also need to monitor regularly. If you're waiting for report cards to come out, it's too late. My daughter's school has grades online so I can check at any time. You might decide that you want to see her homework completed every night before she starts 'fun' stuff. Or you might insist on seeing every test or quiz score the day she receives it. Or whatever. The point is that consequences have to follow actions fairly promptly - and if you wait until the grading period's over, you've lost any impact.

She negotiates EVERYTHING. She'll be nine in May, but when she was 4 or so she once told me in the grocery store at the check out - you can get me this candy bar, or this candy, that's your choice. In all seriousness.

Mistof, you've said it a few different ways now, but I really get your message. I want her to see that "this action gets this result" factual, negative or positive it is what it is. So we will try it your way. I'll try to take the emotion out of it. Hopefully she'll see progress and THAT will motivate her. Doing it every day will be my challenge.

thanks for your help, I do appreciate it.

 

[stealth2]

She negotiates EVERYTHING. She'll be nine in May, but when she was 4 or so she once told me in the grocery store at the check out - you can get me this candy bar, or this candy, that's your choice. In all seriousness.

I hope you don't cater to that. Because it will cause you problems.

 

[mistoffolees]

She negotiates EVERYTHING. She'll be nine in May, but when she was 4 or so she once told me in the grocery store at the check out - you can get me this candy bar, or this candy, that's your choice. In all seriousness.

Sorry, but a spoiled 4 year old is not a strong-willed child. That's the parent's fault. Your problem is that you now have to correct 9 years of her thinking she's the parent.

 

[reportermom]

She negotiates EVERYTHING. She'll be nine in May, but when she was 4 or so she once told me in the grocery store at the check out - you can get me this candy bar, or this candy, that's your choice. In all seriousness.

Mistof, you've said it a few different ways now, but I really get your message. I want her to see that "this action gets this result" factual, negative or positive it is what it is. So we will try it your way. I'll try to take the emotion out of it. Hopefully she'll see progress and THAT will motivate her. Doing it every day will be my challenge.

thanks for your help, I do appreciate it.

I have to tell that your child sound almost exactly like mine did. I learned the hard way that being emotional with her doesn't work. I no longer nag at her to do things. I also give her choices. "Do you want to shut the TV off now or in 5 minutes?" Of course, she chooses 5 minutes, but she feels that she is in control of something, and that helps when the rest of her life is out of her control and crazy.

I give her a specific time frame to do things and I expect them to be done by that time. The consequences of it not being done are immediate loss of what SHE thinks is important, not what I deem important for her.

A book that really helped me with my parenting is Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. The second half of the book is examples of how to handle situations.

It takes a while to be able to implement the strategies in the book because you have to change how you think. I read the book 4 times, front to back, before I was able to start using the strategies with CONSISTENCY.

That is a really big thing you need to focus on: being consistent on your time. Ignore what happens with Dad's time. Focus on what YOU can control; how YOU interact with your child.

It may help you to sit down with your child and say, "This is not working. I don't like blah, blah, blah. Do you have any ideas that we could try to make it better?" And really listen to your child, you will be surprised how much they want to help out.

Children love to have control over their lives. If you allow them some control, they think they have the world.

anyway, now that I wrote you a book, go get to work and change what YOU control.

 

[mistoffolees]

I have to tell that your child sound almost exactly like mine did. I learned the hard way that being emotional with her doesn't work. I no longer nag at her to do things.

Being emotional and nagging doesn't work with ANY kids (at least, none that I know of). If you get emotional, you've lost control of the situation.

The book you recommended is a good one.

 

[Ohiogal]

yes, she's been in therapy since October. It's been really great for her. Her therapist is completely against being involved with the mom/dad drama and has made it clear (to father's attorney) that she does not participate in the legal side of our conflict.

she did make a cps report about the father's teenaged step-son.

How did she make a cps report about the father's teenaged step-son if she does NOT counsel father's step-son? And she doesn't get to choose if she participates in the legal side of the conflict. Her therapist is not realistic quite frankly. How often has the therapist spoken to father?

 

[Ohiogal]

I can take that as constructive criticism.

In answer to what happens from 3:30 to 6:00, as per our parenting plan the father can notify me of a weekday from 3:30 to 8:00, so that happens sometimes on Mon and Wed. Tues and Thurs she is training for a 5k.

Time for her to drop the training until she can pass ALL of her classes.

Her school counselor does a confidence/esteem building program where 15 girls from the school train and also learn personal skills etc. I schedule her therapy after school on days her father has not said he wants. Everyother Friday she goes with her father's family - on my Fridays I try to schedule play dates or some other activity. Or she comes back to work with me at the office.

Okay. But quite frankly Tuesday and Thursday she needs to do homework and not train. If she wants to train she has to be responsible and mature. Apparently she is not.

She is enrolled at Boys and Girls club this year so normally she would go there after school. I enrolled her there partly because they have MANDATORY homework time - her father had me charged with contempt for changing the daycare (even though in mediation he agreed to the change) and is currently refusing to pay his portion of the daycare costs because of that choice.

Boys and Girls is NOT daycare. And unless mediation was made part of the court order then you SHOULD not have changed the daycare.

The library in Bellevue has free tutoring in the evenings until 8pm - we've gone there once, but of course she hates it. She's very shy and reserved so to have to do homework with a stranger is torture for her.

EXCUSE!

I agreed on the summer schedule during mediation (father having her all two 1/2 months) with the condition that she be sent to camps and have summer activities with us spliting the cost 50/50. He agreed in mediation, but when his attorney drew up the plan - in other provisions it has a vague reference to if she does go to a camp mom pays for half. There were several areas in the plan where it's not clearly spelled out, and the father has been using that against me. He has refused to send her to camp - saying its too expensive. I was able to send her to one girl scout camp last year because I said he didn't have to pay anything for it.

What is the ACTUAL wording? That is WHAT matters.

Anyway - I'm willing to try the no games, movies, tv etc until work is done. It's constantly a battle of the wills and I'm always the bad guy. but I do get everyother weekend off....

Your daughter is selfish, entitled and fights you but you get every other weekend off. COOL. Which tells us where your parenting skill is set -- on the time off. Sorry but guess what? Parenting NEVER ends. You either fight the battle of wills or you end up losing. So fight and put your child in her place during your time. Anything else is an excuse.

 

[Ohiogal]

As a teacher and a parent, I don't know that I agree with this completely. She likely feels very badly about herself. It has been stated that she is an "average" student in a school where "average" is basically looked down on. That can't be easy. Some kids, no matter how much you punish, take away privileges, ban them from outside life completely, are just not "above average." This is a fact that some parents refuse to recognize. I have two children. One is an eighth grader making straight A's in ninth grade honors classes. My younger one does reasonably well, but she will NEVER be like my younger one, no matter how hard I push her.

So, I think that an activity that gives this child a chance to be successful at SOMETHING and not feel worthless is a GOOD thing. And, as contradictory as it may seem, her grades/attitude about school may IMPROVE; if she sees she can be good at one thing, she may start to think, "maybe I can be better in school too."

I know, probably not going to be a popular view, but, hey, everyone else is tossing in their non legal opinions!

But Fry, we have a parent who doesn't like being a bad guy and who likes every other weekend off. Which tells me this is a parenting problem. And the rest is an excuse. The parent needs to grow up and take responsibility.

 

[Ohiogal]

She negotiates EVERYTHING. She'll be nine in May, but when she was 4 or so she once told me in the grocery store at the check out - you can get me this candy bar, or this candy, that's your choice. In all seriousness.

Mistof, you've said it a few different ways now, but I really get your message. I want her to see that "this action gets this result" factual, negative or positive it is what it is. So we will try it your way. I'll try to take the emotion out of it. Hopefully she'll see progress and THAT will motivate her. Doing it every day will be my challenge.

thanks for your help, I do appreciate it.

And you allowed your 4 year old to dictate? SERIOUSLY? This is YOUR fault then. COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY. How about being the parent. This action gets this result? If she needs summer school then she doesn't have the time/energy/ability to participate in extra curricular. Try being the parent and not letting your little brat dictate.