Support/Visitation issue

[sellBy]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ
i had a child support hearing recently to re-open my case in the state that i now live in and we just went to court. basically now, after 13 years, the NC parent wants to challenge the courts for additional overnights because he's aware that the more overnights, the less support he has to pay. He was already credited for 80 overnights when the support was determined however he wants more nights to pay less support. He wants my child basically 50 additional nights and i do NOT want him to have any more because my child hates going over there to begin with let alone to have to go over there more. We never had a visitation or parenting plan established in the last 13 years but now he wants one in order to pay less support. We will have to go to mediation, i can tell you now we will not agree AT ALL on more additional time, so if it goes to a judge how likely is it the NC parent will get all of that additional time? I have been the primary physical parent for my childs whole life however we do share joint custody with me as the primary. Also, what is the age a child can speak up in a court to say what his wants are, because he already said he'd tell the courts that he doesn't want to be forced to go over there any more than he has to. He has said that ultimately he wants to go there one weekend a month , and then to have the option to go there more should he choose to.

 

[stealth2]

Well... what IS the current schedule? Is the child going to Dad's?

Is NJ the state with jurisdiction? It was unclear with the way you worded it.

And your son gets to make a choice when he's 18.

 

[sellBy]

Well... what IS the current schedule? Is the child going to Dad's?

Is NJ the state with jurisdiction? It was unclear with the way you worded it.

And your son gets to make a choice when he's 18.

Well, we have always made the arrangements between ourselves but typically it has been every other weekend, 1 week for spring break, 2-3 weeks in the summer and maybe a week during winter break however NOW he wants my child half of every week. NJ does have jurisdiction.
I was told at the age of 12, a child's opinion is taken into consideration if an agreement can't be met, then i heard 14. At 18, the child is no longer a child and visitation/support will no longer be an issue.

 

[stealth2]

A child's wishes "may be heard" but he does not get to decide. The court does. And he would need compelling reasons not to see his Dad - "I'm bored", "I don't like him", etc. won't fly.

Quite frankly, your ex is wise to get visitation specified via a court order. Because w/o one? You're under no obligation to send the boy at all. And Dad will have no recourse. If he were to post here, we'd all advise him to take it to court for an actual order.

As for 50/50... how far away does Dad live? How will it impact the child's schooling, etc.? Besides your son not wanting to go so often, why do you feel Dad should not have more time with his son? Oh - and what ARE your son's reasons?

 

[sellBy]

A child's wishes "may be heard" but he does not get to decide. The court does. And he would need compelling reasons not to see his Dad - "I'm bored", "I don't like him", etc. won't fly.

Quite frankly, your ex is wise to get visitation specified via a court order. Because w/o one? You're under no obligation to send the boy at all. And Dad will have no recourse. If he were to post here, we'd all advise him to take it to court for an actual order.

As for 50/50... how far away does Dad live? How will it impact the child's schooling, etc.? Besides your son not wanting to go so often, why do you feel Dad should not have more time with his son? Oh - and what ARE your son's reasons?

I am not bothered by him getting an actual spelled out visitation order, i agree it will be helpful as to take the whole "winging it" aspect out of our own hands. And i do know that i am under no obligation at all to send my son there but of course i have always given him his proper time with my son. My son's reasoning is basically the issues with his step mother, he has no bedroom there at his dads house (he sleeps in a computer room on a sofa bed) and he has no friends over there where at our house he has all of his friends , lots to do etc. His dad lives about 6 miles away however it is different school districts. The other thing i do not want is, for him to get 50/50 and then he's gone Monday-Thursdays on weekly work travel and my son is left with his step mother and not with his father. He has a home office and flies to different states almost on a weekly basis with the exception of 1 week a month he might be home all week. In all of my sons 13 years, he has never once asked for a specific visiting schedule thru the courts (because i've always been so liberal with his time with my son) but NOW that he had a slight reduction in support based on the 80 overnights he is being credited for, now his mind is racing to calculate just how much LOWER the support obligation would go if he had my son more, which is the main motivating factor here.

 

[stealth2]

Unless he's actually TOLD you that he's looking to reduce child support by increasing visitation, you don't really KNOW that's the reason. That's an assumption on your part, and you know what they say about those.

A distance of six miles is nothing wrt your (joint) son seeing friends. Even at today's gas prices. My daughter goes to school ~30 miles away (yes, this is in NJ), and her friends therefore are scattered between here and there, and beyond. They all spend tons of time together.

I don't see the sleeping in the computer room as being an issue, either. He has a space of his own when he's there.

As for Dad's travel, your best bet would be to try to mediate something around that. When Dad is home, he gets more time. When he's traveling, you get that extra time. Or, you could offer him additional time in the summer. There are ways to work around the travel issue. Really.

 

[sellBy]

Unless he's actually TOLD you that he's looking to reduce child support by increasing visitation, you don't really KNOW that's the reason. That's an assumption on your part, and you know what they say about those.

A distance of six miles is nothing wrt your (joint) son seeing friends. Even at today's gas prices. My daughter goes to school ~30 miles away (yes, this is in NJ), and her friends therefore are scattered between here and there, and beyond. They all spend tons of time together.

I don't see the sleeping in the computer room as being an issue, either. He has a space of his own when he's there.

As for Dad's travel, your best bet would be to try to mediate something around that. When Dad is home, he gets more time. When he's traveling, you get that extra time. Or, you could offer him additional time in the summer. There are ways to work around the travel issue. Really.

Actually, between all the text messages, and harrassing phone calls i get, he has said to me on about 20 different occasions between the last few days that YES that IS the whole motivating factor here, getting the support lowered as much as possible. To quote him "i'll just ask for more time, and by the time i'm done requesting, you'll be lucky if you get $200 a month".
I was VERY FAIR and TOTALLY HONEST in court, they were VERY fair with him crediting him with all the time that he does have him. I am not out to get tons of money, i am more worried about having my sons life being disrupted with getting carted back and forth during the week , its going to make no sense to disrupt his schedule like that. And just so you know, no where has my sons father said "i just want more time with my son", those words have never been uttered, its all about "well if i get him an extra 50 days, then that means a possible decrease of maybe $100 more dollars etc".

 

[stealth2]

Fair enough. Not that it will be admissible, but...

 

[CourtClerk]

I must be a HORRIBLE parent. When my ex sued me for more time with the kid... I offered it. In fact, I offered for him to have primary physical custody. I needed a break. If all he wanted was 50 additional overnights, he'd have it - no questions asked.

And the tween wouldn't even be consulted. It's not a decision he gets to make or gets a say in.

 

[sellBy]

I must be a HORRIBLE parent. When my ex sued me for more time with the kid... I offered it. In fact, I offered for him to have primary physical custody. I needed a break. If all he wanted was 50 additional overnights, he'd have it - no questions asked.

And the tween wouldn't even be consulted. It's not a decision he gets to make or gets a say in.

Well to me, your comment of "you needed a break" from our CHILD sounds pretty horrible . I for one, don't need a break from my son. Never have in the whole time that he's been with me while his dad continued to procreate and have 6 children with 5 different women. But I guess i'm the bad guy here.

 

[CourtClerk]

Well to me, your comment of "you needed a break" from our CHILD sounds pretty horrible . I for one, don't need a break from my son. Never have in the whole time that he's been with me while his dad continued to procreate and have 6 children with 5 different women. But I guess i'm the bad guy here.

No, you're just bitter and you've spent too much time worrying about what this man is doing. And yeah, I need a break from my child. Just like I need a break from my job. Who cares? If your child consumes your life so much that you just can't bear to be without him another 50 nights a year or the world is going to come to a crashing halt, that's great. Me? I've got a life outside of my child. Every once in a while I like to go live it.

But just wondering, if the kid didn't project your feelings off on dad, he went over there and decided he wanted to live there instead, would you still be willing to give him the vote if it went against you? Let's try real hard to answer that question without the commentary about dad having kids by different women yadda yadda yadda, because quite frankly, that's not yours or your child's business.

 

[stealth2]

I have to say, in retrospect, the time alone was actually quite nice. It gave me a chance to just have some peace and quiet, cook what (and when) I wanted, the ability to choose between doing stuff that got put aside or doing nothing at all, etc. Yes, "the break" was kind of nice.

Now that he doesn't really see them at all, it's "me" 24/7. And that can be somewhat tiring. Of course, they're older so the one's in college and the other spends a lot of time out with friends anyway, so I do get that time to myself. But there was quite a stretch when I didn't - and it was tiring being "on" all the time.

 

[sellBy]

No, you're just bitter and you've spent too much time worrying about what this man is doing. And yeah, I need a break from my child. Just like I need a break from my job. Who cares? If your child consumes your life so much that you just can't bear to be without him another 50 nights a year or the world is going to come to a crashing halt, that's great. Me? I've got a life outside of my child. Every once in a while I like to go live it.

But just wondering, if the kid didn't project your feelings off on dad, he went over there and decided he wanted to live there instead, would you still be willing to give him the vote if it went against you? Let's try real hard to answer that question without the commentary about dad having kids by different women yadda yadda yadda, because quite frankly, that's not yours or your child's business.

You guys are just nuts. Every time i try to get good sound advice i have to deal with people like you who assume you know me and my situation and you want to start with the name calling. If my son wants to live with his dad, he could! I tell him that its his choice all the time. What you are missing here is that he DOESN'T , thats the whole point. Did you not see that in my posts?
He tells his dad every time its time to go that he just doesn't want to go, he has his friends here , he never does anything when he goes there, etc....my son isn't a toddler, he is fully capable of making his own decisions and the decision is that he doesn't want to spend any MORE time than what he already does with his father. That is my issue here.

 

[TheGeekess]

You guys are just nuts. Every time i try to get good sound advice i have to deal with people like you who assume you know me and my situation and you want to start with the name calling. If my son wants to live with his dad, he could! I tell him that its his choice all the time. What you are missing here is that he DOESN'T , thats the whole point. Did you not see that in my posts?
He tells his dad every time its time to go that he just doesn't want to go, he has his friends here , he never does anything when he goes there, etc....my son isn't a toddler, he is fully capable of making his own decisions and the decision is that he doesn't want to spend any MORE time than what he already does with his father. That is my issue here.

So, I guess you don't make Junior go to school if he decides he doesn't want to, either....

And if you think 14yo's are capable of rational decision, you'd better think again.

 

[CourtClerk]

You guys are just nuts. Every time i try to get good sound advice i have to deal with people like you who assume you know me and my situation and you want to start with the name calling. If my son wants to live with his dad, he could! I tell him that its his choice all the time. What you are missing here is that he DOESN'T , thats the whole point. Did you not see that in my posts?
He tells his dad every time its time to go that he just doesn't want to go, he has his friends here , he never does anything when he goes there, etc....my son isn't a toddler, he is fully capable of making his own decisions and the decision is that he doesn't want to spend any MORE time than what he already does with his father. That is my issue here.

He's fully capable of making his own decisions, is he? You'd be ok if one day he decided he didn't want to go to school anymore then, right? And I GOT that he doesn't WANT to spend one more waking hour with his miserable horrible father who has never done anythingfor him and doesn't care about him at all. It's 50 more nights. He'll survive. Or are you going to teach him not to go anywhere he doesn't like or is bored or uncomfortable? How about he stop complaining and go make some friends? Wait, dad and stepmom won't let him, huh?

On the bright side, since you have to supplement his care with your alimony, if he spends more time there, it forces dad to have to spend more money and you don't have to spend as much. That will alleviate your financial issues.