How to require supervized visitation.

[mistoffolees]

My Girlfriend told her daughter that if she did not want to go she needed to tell her father and explain why. Some are valid complaints others are teenage gripes. He did have ample opportunity to say I do not care, you are coming anyway. Also, when I use the word force, it is about physical force. A better example is the mom saying “I am not going to tell her she has to go, you need to tell her/me she needs to come,” which he has not done.

Wrong. There is a court order. Mom has to send her. Period. End of discussion.

I have to disagree with those who think “giving into your teenager’s happiness gets you a slutty little teenager with a child, a tattoo and very active sex life by the time she is 16.” This teenager is a model child (for us) who skipped a year in school, is in all AP classes, has a 4.0, and consistently makes good decisions—whether you agree with this on or not.

That's nice. What does it have to do with the fact that Mom is letting her make decisions that a 13 year old does not have the right to make?

Personally, if I was in his shoes I would have listened, said you are coming anyway than tried to work on those issues during the visitation.

Wrong. Of course, it's none of your business what you would have done in his shoes. For that matter, it's none of your business what GF does, either.

That said, your GF should have sent the child with the others. It's a court order, not a suggestion. Your GF has opened herself up to contempt charges up to and including jail time and/or loss of custody.

 

[cmb1975]

Everyone gets to have an opinion. Since both of us have been through a divorce we are both cautious. Her husband left her after he found out that it was another girl and she refused to get an abortion (yes the 13 year-old than 8 remembers these arguments). When my ex left me, she moved in with her boyfriend while I was deployed and left my son at one of his friend’s house. Putting two families together is difficult when the previous situations were so bad. Our decision was to ensure our parenting styles would work together and that the kids would get along well enough not to drive us apart. That is something you just cannot figure out until you are put into that kind of situation—this was our decision. Now, we know when we do get married there will be a seamless transition.

This got off topic. More or less, I wanted a recommendation on whether we should hire a lawyer in an offensive (forcing him not put the children between his ex and protect us from false allegations) or let things play out and get a lawyer only if needed.

Thank you to those who answered the legal questions. Since it is likely my girlfriend could be found in contempt, we will make arrangements to bring oldest to him ASAP.

 

[mistoffolees]

This got off topic. More or less, I wanted a recommendation on whether we should hire a lawyer in an offensive (forcing him not put the children between his ex and protect us from false allegations) or let things play out and get a lawyer only if needed.

In general, don't buy trouble. If Dad tries something, your GF can hire an attorney (once again, WE can not do so - you would not be a party to their custody battle and GF would not be a party to any abuse allegations against you. THERE IS NO 'WE').

Not to mention that you don't have any grounds to bring action.

Stating that you might be responsible for the bruises doesn't give you grounds to sue. Under what statute do you expect to do anything?

As for putting the children between the parents, it looks like Mom has been every bit as guilty - and, besides, it's also not illegal. In SOME cases, the divorce decree might have a non-disparagement clause, but those are almost impossible to enforce - and, again, it would be your GF's problem, not yours.


Now, for the non-legal advice. Your GF is going to be co-parenting with Dad for a long time. She is every bit as guilty as he is (not sending the daughter for visitation, threatening to ask for supervised visitation when there's no evidence of harm, etc). Furthermore, you are far too involved.

A lot of divorces get off on the wrong foot, but they don't have to stay that way. Sending the daughter to go with Dad is a start, but I wouldn't stop there. This is a good opportunity for Mom to call Dad and say "I overreacted, and I apologize. It won't happen again. Let's start over and work together as co-parents rather than constantly fighting each other over stupid things. The kids are better off with both parents in their lives and I want that to be something comfortable rather than a battle."

It won't be easy, but her kids will thank her for it 10 years down the road. And, as for you, STAY THE HECK OUT OF IT. You should not be involved in any of this stuff. Maybe if you stop interfering in Dad's relationship with the kids and stop trying to figure out how to get his visitation supervised, maybe he'll back off, too.

 

[cmb1975]

In general, don't buy trouble.

Thank you. Out of everyone your advice attempts to address our issue.

 

[Ohiogal]

Point taken, the offer to send her to him has been extended; however, while unhappy, he only wants her to come if it is her choice. The visitation is not a fixed date. It specifies that during the summer he will request his dates 30 days in advance and is fairly loosely written (the request was not made 30 days in advance, but it was an agreed upon date). Is this still a contempt issue?

I know words matter, and I am not sure if I have used all of the appropriate ones. My Girlfriend told her daughter that if she did not want to go she needed to tell her father and explain why. Some are valid complaints others are teenage gripes. He did have ample opportunity to say I do not care, you are coming anyway. Also, when I use the word force, it is about physical force. A better example is the mom saying “I am not going to tell her she has to go, you need to tell her/me she needs to come,” which he has not done.

I have to disagree with those who think “giving into your teenager’s happiness gets you a slutty little teenager with a child, a tattoo and very active sex life by the time she is 16.” This teenager is a model child (for us) who skipped a year in school, is in all AP classes, has a 4.0, and consistently makes good decisions—whether you agree with this on or not.

Personally, if I was in his shoes I would have listened, said you are coming anyway than tried to work on those issues during the visitation.

If by model teenager, you mean spoiled, obnoxious, entitled brat, I agree. She is. Doesn't matter how bright she is -- doesn't change the fact that she is spoiled and indulged. Not a good combination. Just because she is in AP classes doesn't mean she is not engaging in sex/blow jobs with every guy she sees, won't get a tattoo and isn't drinking or doing drugs.

 

[stealth2]

Just because she is in AP classes doesn't mean she is not engaging in sex/blow jobs with every guy she sees, won't get a tattoo and isn't drinking or doing drugs.

So true. My youngest is in "geek school" (her fond name for it) where every class is taught on a college level and admission is based on results of an entrance exam & prior grades. Guess what? Even the "geeks" have sex, drink, and do drugs. I have had to buy more than one pregnancy test for her friends.

 

[single317dad]

So true. My youngest is in "geek school" (her fond name for it) where every class is taught on a college level and admission is based on results of an entrance exam & prior grades. Guess what? Even the "geeks" have sex, drink, and do drugs. I have had to buy more than one pregnancy test for her friends.

I can vouch for that. I wasn't just "a geek", I was "THE geek", and I did more than my share of sinning. I held my grades up at the top of the class until my final semester, and stayed out of trouble for the most part. Looking back, I'm reminded of a functional alcoholic who drinks himself silly every night but shows up at work every morning on time and no one is the wiser.