I'm broken and don't know what to do

[ponchik]

California.

I have been with him for 15 years. 10 years ago we had a religious ceremony to marry (he's Muslim, I'm not). Now we have 2 boys (5 and 2). We haven't had a physical relationship in over 2 years (both boys were planned by me, so "unnecessary" sex wouldn't be involved). He doesn't say he loves me, he does what ever, but got forbid I take too long at the grocery store. I have to help him with everything, because he doesn't know how to do anything, very little education, but he criticizes me if I ever mess anything up. I could go on.

The point of the matter is - we don't love each other. He says - if I were more Muslim, maybe he would love me. This is considering, I dress appropriately, don't go anywhere - ever, and keep the house, as well as raise and educate our kids. BUT, he doesn't want divorce.

My question is this, what do I do? I'm so confused, he has totally brainwashed me, says no one will ever want me, etc. The condo we live in is under his name, we've lived here for 7 years, the boys grew up here. He has a decent job. I don't have a job, but in an online college (don't make fun), studying for BS in IT. Please tell me how to get the ball rolling? I have a few thousand saved up. But I want this as painless for my sons as possible.
Thank You

 

[Silverplum]

California.

I have been with him for 15 years. 10 years ago we had a religious ceremony to marry (he's Muslim, I'm not). Now we have 2 boys (5 and 2). We haven't had a physical relationship in over 2 years (both boys were planned by me, so "unnecessary" sex wouldn't be involved). He doesn't say he loves me, he does what ever, but got forbid I take too long at the grocery store. I have to help him with everything, because he doesn't know how to do anything, very little education, but he criticizes me if I ever mess anything up. I could go on.

The point of the matter is - we don't love each other. He says - if I were more Muslim, maybe he would love me. This is considering, I dress appropriately, don't go anywhere - ever, and keep the house, as well as raise and educate our kids. BUT, he doesn't want divorce.

My question is this, what do I do? I'm so confused, he has totally brainwashed me, says no one will ever want me, etc. The condo we live in is under his name, we've lived here for 7 years, the boys grew up here. He has a decent job. I don't have a job, but in an online college (don't make fun), studying for BS in IT. Please tell me how to get the ball rolling? I have a few thousand saved up. But I want this as painless for my sons as possible.
Thank You

Many CA Counties still have self-help centers at their courthouses: call your county and find out if you have one. They can help you get started.

Or call around for free initial consultations with divorce attorneys in your area.

You can read a lot here on FA and learn about CA divorce. You can google CA divorce info.

Basically, you have a right to half the marital assets and half the marital debts. You have a right to file for custody and child support: that will likely be decided in court. The Muslim/Not Muslim thing doesn't matter.

Good luck.

 

[LdiJ]

California.

I have been with him for 15 years. 10 years ago we had a religious ceremony to marry (he's Muslim, I'm not). Now we have 2 boys (5 and 2). We haven't had a physical relationship in over 2 years (both boys were planned by me, so "unnecessary" sex wouldn't be involved). He doesn't say he loves me, he does what ever, but got forbid I take too long at the grocery store. I have to help him with everything, because he doesn't know how to do anything, very little education, but he criticizes me if I ever mess anything up. I could go on.

The point of the matter is - we don't love each other. He says - if I were more Muslim, maybe he would love me. This is considering, I dress appropriately, don't go anywhere - ever, and keep the house, as well as raise and educate our kids. BUT, he doesn't want divorce.

My question is this, what do I do? I'm so confused, he has totally brainwashed me, says no one will ever want me, etc. The condo we live in is under his name, we've lived here for 7 years, the boys grew up here. He has a decent job. I don't have a job, but in an online college (don't make fun), studying for BS in IT. Please tell me how to get the ball rolling? I have a few thousand saved up. But I want this as painless for my sons as possible.
Thank You

You probably need an attorney. You probably are not strong enough to stand up to what he is going to put you through without having an attorney to handle the divorce. (At least I am assuming that you want a divorce)

 

[mistoffolees]

Many CA Counties still have self-help centers at their courthouses: call your county and find out if you have one. They can help you get started.

Or call around for free initial consultations with divorce attorneys in your area.

You can read a lot here on FA and learn about CA divorce. You can google CA divorce info.

Basically, you have a right to half the marital assets and half the marital debts. You have a right to file for custody and child support: that will likely be decided in court. The Muslim/Not Muslim thing doesn't matter.

Good luck.

I think we should back up.

OP says they had a religious ceremony. Did they ever get legally married?

If it was nothing more than a religious ceremony, they not be legally married, in which case she would not be entitled to 1/2 of the 'marital' property.

 

[Bali Hai]

California.

I have been with him for 15 years. 10 years ago we had a religious ceremony to marry (he's Muslim, I'm not). Now we have 2 boys (5 and 2). We haven't had a physical relationship in over 2 years (both boys were planned by me, so "unnecessary" sex wouldn't be involved). He doesn't say he loves me, he does what ever, but got forbid I take too long at the grocery store. I have to help him with everything, because he doesn't know how to do anything, very little education, but he criticizes me if I ever mess anything up. I could go on.

The point of the matter is - we don't love each other. He says - if I were more Muslim, maybe he would love me. This is considering, I dress appropriately, don't go anywhere - ever, and keep the house, as well as raise and educate our kids. BUT, he doesn't want divorce.

My question is this, what do I do? I'm so confused, he has totally brainwashed me, says no one will ever want me, etc. The condo we live in is under his name, we've lived here for 7 years, the boys grew up here. He has a decent job. I don't have a job, but in an online college (don't make fun), studying for BS in IT. Please tell me how to get the ball rolling? I have a few thousand saved up. But I want this as painless for my sons as possible.
Thank You

You married him without foreseeing the consequences, or did you? You now want someone to undo YOUR screwup??

 

[ponchik]

We are not legally married. And when we had "the ceremony", it was so we could live together, so his family could accept me. I get that from too many people - "why did you get married if you knew he was this and that?" "Why did you have children?" That's not a question I can answer easily. I was looking at his positives. He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke or do drugs, there are much worse guys out there. I didn't love him, I settled, life kind of threw us together (trust me on that one). I don't want a better man, I need to be on my own. Being with him brings me down, stresses me out, depresses me. He dehumanizes me, tells me I'm the opposite of what "a woman should be", and I can't live like that.

 

[Silverplum]

We are not legally married.

Then you can walk without bother.

He will likely start some court motions so he can see his children.

You ought to start by petitioning for child support.

And when we had "the ceremony", it was so we could live together, so his family could accept me. I get that from too many people - "why did you get married if you knew he was this and that?" "Why did you have children?" That's not a question I can answer easily. I was looking at his positives. He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke or do drugs, there are much worse guys out there. I didn't love him, I settled, life kind of threw us together (trust me on that one). I don't want a better man, I need to be on my own. Being with him brings me down, stresses me out, depresses me. He dehumanizes me, tells me I'm the opposite of what "a woman should be", and I can't live like that.

 

[tuffbrk]

She needs to get a job.

 

[Ohiogal]

Did you file taxes jointly?
Or as married? Did you recognize each other as husband and wife?

And yes I know CA does NOT recognize common law marriage if it started in the state BUT they do recognize palimony. And they might go with putative marriage. However there are also legal implications that need to be discussed.

In other words, OP needs a consult with an attorney.

 

[ecmst12]

Find a therapist. Yesterday.