First right of refusal,

[JQ Citizen]

TEXAS

I am the custodial parent, and have a very difficult time communicating with my former spouse. Unfortunately on the occasions my children do get to see their mom, they come home with questions obviously brought by their mother. Luckily my children are 12 and 14 and both have good logic skills and don't just borrow opinions to form their own. I try to minimize the discussion but on occasion I could have said less.

My work schedule is difficult, I often ask my ex if I can work around her schedule, I never get a response. My children tell me their mom does not approve of them having a babysitter. Because of my work I am unable to leave work and be home in an hour in an emergency, it could take me up to 5 hours to get home.

My question is this, I want to work long hours on her scheduled days of visitation, this would allow me more available time on my days of visitation. I have in the past informed her when I had to travel to Europe for work in accordance with a First right of refusal ours states 8 hours as the period.
After spending $500 to fly Grandma into town she replied to my email at 9pm the night prior. Unfortunately Grandma got to house sit for me without spending much time with her grand kids.
I was only gone 2 days, grandma got to see the kids after I returned.

I am trying to create a win-win situation, without feeling controlled. If I fly grandma into town while ex is supposed to have visitation, after she waives visitation, am I further required to inform her I will be away for 2-3 days.
This way I can work and, grandma gets to spend time with grand kids, and I am not accused of ditching my kids for work.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[mistoffolees]

You can't force someone to adjust their schedule to fit yours.

You have a court order. In cases where the parents are unwilling or unable to co-parent effectively, the only real option is to follow the schedule to the letter.

If the schedule doesn't work, you can always try to get it changed, but unless you have an agreement from the other parent, it's going to be very difficult to force a schedule that suits you better. First, you have to come up with a change of circumstances in the kids' lives that makes a change necessary. Then you have to convince the judge that it's better for the kids to have a different schedule.

 

[Shears]

If I fly grandma into town while ex is supposed to have visitation, after she waives visitation, am I further required to inform her I will be away for 2-3 days.
This way I can work and, grandma gets to spend time with grand kids, and I am not accused of ditching my kids for work.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Wondering the same on this one. Often when my ex or I have to 'be away' while child is in her or my care, our child will spend the night at grandparents (either 'set') or aunts/uncles. Neither of us considers this to fall into the ROFR realm normally. We both consider it time with relatives, regardless if it also 'helps' the child care situation we're in. All is well outside of court, and it's mutual.

Last time we were in court, she tried to bring this up on *my* part alone, implying I was not following ROFR. As 'against me' as that judge was in most ways on that day, this was one thing she didn't even waste a breath on. It just sounded silly to everyone, really, as it's never been a case of either of us constantly being away and 'dumping' child on family.

BUT, I don't know what the actual law is in this situation, and if different judges view this the same way - time with relatives regardless of where the parent is, or not.

?

 

[mistoffolees]

Wondering the same on this one. Often when my ex or I have to 'be away' while child is in her or my care, our child will spend the night at grandparents (either 'set') or aunts/uncles. Neither of us considers this to fall into the ROFR realm normally. We both consider it time with relatives, regardless if it also 'helps' the child care situation we're in. All is well outside of court, and it's mutual.

Last time we were in court, she tried to bring this up on *my* part alone, implying I was not following ROFR. As 'against me' as that judge was in most ways on that day, this was one thing she didn't even waste a breath on. It just sounded silly to everyone, really, as it's never been a case of either of us constantly being away and 'dumping' child on family.

BUT, I don't know what the actual law is in this situation, and if different judges view this the same way - time with relatives regardless of where the parent is, or not.

?

It's not a matter of law, it's a matter of the exact wording of the decree.

Meanwhile, don't hijack someone else's thread. If you have a question, start your own thread.

 

[TxPE2011]

OP - in your order, does it state anything about spending time with grandparents?

Your post sort of confuses me. Are you saying you ask mom, she declines but then changes her mind?

 

[CJane]

What - exactly - does your order say about the ROFR?

 

[JQ Citizen]

My ROFR is listed as anytime the parent in possession is unavailable for a period of greater than 8 hours, that parent is required allow the other parent possession.

The root of my question is this. I am not trying to make my ex do anything, in fact I send her emails asking if she would like to have the kids during certain family times. Like their cousins b-days her b-day etc. She does not respond. I would like to work around her schedule, and I offer to allow her visitation if she would like it.

I need to build my work schedule by the 13th of each month. If she would confirm her periods of visitation, 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends, I would work over those weekends. This would allow me to be off work while my kids are with me. If I commit to working weekends and she forfeits her weekend, then my kids spend the weekend without either parent.

My parents visit about every 6 weeks, we would all prefer their visits be family time not child care while I work.

If I work her scheduled days of visitation, which I can do but they will be longer days. This summer I worked shorter shifts to be home every night, and shifts that my peers like to pick up just in-case I needed to be home. Working these types of shifts mean more days at work and about $1,500/mo. in lost income.

 

[mistoffolees]

My ROFR is listed as anytime the parent in possession is unavailable for a period of greater than 8 hours, that parent is required allow the other parent possession.

First, is that the exact wording? In legal matters, details are everything.

The root of my question is this. I am not trying to make my ex do anything, in fact I send her emails asking if she would like to have the kids during certain family times. Like their cousins b-days her b-day etc. She does not respond. I would like to work around her schedule, and I offer to allow her visitation if she would like it.

I need to build my work schedule by the 13th of each month. If she would confirm her periods of visitation, 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends, I would work over those weekends. This would allow me to be off work while my kids are with me. If I commit to working weekends and she forfeits her weekend, then my kids spend the weekend without either parent.

She doesn't have to respond. Unless the court order says that she has to notify you of her visitation in advance, she doesn't have to give you 5 minutes advance notice, much less a few weeks.

Either you find a way to work better with Mom or you assume that she may or may not pick up the kids for her weekends and you won't know until the last minute.

My parents visit about every 6 weeks, we would all prefer their visits be family time not child care while I work.

Then have the parents visit when it's your parenting time. And don't go away for more than 8 hours when your parents are watching the kids. An easy way around that is to come home for lunch when the parents are watching the kids.

If I work her scheduled days of visitation, which I can do but they will be longer days. This summer I worked shorter shifts to be home every night, and shifts that my peers like to pick up just in-case I needed to be home. Working these types of shifts mean more days at work and about $1,500/mo. in lost income.

I could work 70 hours a week if I didn't have a child. I happen to think that the tradeoff is worth it.

 

[gr8rn]

So what you are saying is that you want NCP to take the kids on her scheduled times and that isn't happening?

Unfortunately, this is nto something you can do: force her to utilize all her scheduled time with the kids. As NCP she doesn't have to do this, it is your job to make the children available to her during her scheduled visits, but if she cancels, then that is the down side of being CP. It is then up to you to scramble to find someone to take the kids.It sucks but it is the reality of the situation.

But I wanted to ask, at 14, I was taking care of my younger brother and sister all summer for 8-10 hour days while my parents worked. Understandably its not ideal, but in a pinch, can't they take care of themselves?

How often does Mom refuse her time with the kids?

 

[LdiJ]

Dad mentioned Europe and mentioned 5 hours to get home in an emergency. It would be helpful if dad would clarify both of those.

 

[JQ Citizen]

Dad mentioned Europe and mentioned 5 hours to get home in an emergency. It would be helpful if dad would clarify both of those.

Thank you, Dad (cp) is an Airline pilot. I can fly domestic trips (10hr. days), less pay more days at work. I can fly international trips (48 hrs.), more pay which I would trade for more time off, not out of greed.

I would like for my children's mother to spend anytime with her kids. Unfortunately for the short periods she trys, today is August 21st, their mother has devoted 12hours to visitation so far this month. I realize I cannot make her visit with her kids, I realize she has no obligation to exercise her periods. After periods of visitation from 12 hours to 2 days, my children get in the car and I am barely down the road before my kids say Mom&"new husband" say they are taking you to court for this, they said they are going to make us live with them, they are going to get you fired. etc. etc. etc.

I would do what ever would make my ex& her new husband happy. What I don't want to do is fuel their need to focus so much attention on pressing my kids to talk about me. I have advised my son to answer all of their questions with "I don't know" he replies I just tell them "I don't want to talk about it". I have told him dozens of times "I don't know" means you don't know, "I don't want to talk about it" means you know something you are just choosing to keep quiet. He usually gives in and gives me feedback based on their responses like they don't like my babysitter, why do teenagers need a babysitter etc. I have explained to my children, because of my work I need someone 15 minutes from school to respond to their needs, (mom moved an hour away, she is still priority 1 for emergency contact) because I am not available to answer the phone or leave work and drive to school. I also feel better knowing they are supervised.

The issue is this, I currently work 2 or 4 days a week an enviable situation I know. I have bypassed promotion, but am very happy with the greater flexibility I have at a higher status in a lesser paid position. I am taking a chance working my ex-wifes periods of visitation, but my main question is: Do I have to notify her (call it a second right of first refusal) if I am working long hours on her forfeited days of visitation.
I am trying to prevent a large number of emails building up where I notify her I am working. I have had previous experience with accusation and half truths becoming the situation I am required to answer to.

I will be working every weekend my kids mother has visitation next month, for a total of 3, (1st, 3rd, 5th) I haven't worked 3 whole weekends since 2006. I have been flying domestic trips to be home every night because I don't want the X getting encouraged to drag me to court again. I do not have complete flexibility, and going into the winter months will have fewer domestic trips available to me. I am only trying to find the best fit, the best fit would be her providing a schedule and I would offer visitation to fit her needs, yes I know this is not required.

 

[JQ Citizen]

exact language of ROFR

First Right of Refusal- IT IS ORDERED, as agreed upon by the parties, that each parent shall have the first right of refusal to babysit the children when the parent in possession plans to be away from the children for a period of (8) hours or more. Under these circumstances, the parent in possession shall give the other party 24hour notice of that parent's plan to be away.

 

[mistoffolees]

Thank you, Dad (cp) is an Airline pilot. I can fly domestic trips (10hr. days), less pay more days at work. I can fly international trips (48 hrs.), more pay which I would trade for more time off, not out of greed.

I would like for my children's mother to spend anytime with her kids. Unfortunately for the short periods she trys, today is August 21st, their mother has devoted 12hours to visitation so far this month. I realize I cannot make her visit with her kids, I realize she has no obligation to exercise her periods. After periods of visitation from 12 hours to 2 days, my children get in the car and I am barely down the road before my kids say Mom&"new husband" say they are taking you to court for this, they said they are going to make us live with them, they are going to get you fired. etc. etc. etc.

I would do what ever would make my ex& her new husband happy. What I don't want to do is fuel their need to focus so much attention on pressing my kids to talk about me. I have advised my son to answer all of their questions with "I don't know" he replies I just tell them "I don't want to talk about it". I have told him dozens of times "I don't know" means you don't know, "I don't want to talk about it" means you know something you are just choosing to keep quiet. He usually gives in and gives me feedback based on their responses like they don't like my babysitter, why do teenagers need a babysitter etc. I have explained to my children, because of my work I need someone 15 minutes from school to respond to their needs, (mom moved an hour away, she is still priority 1 for emergency contact) because I am not available to answer the phone or leave work and drive to school. I also feel better knowing they are supervised.

The issue is this, I currently work 2 or 4 days a week an enviable situation I know. I have bypassed promotion, but am very happy with the greater flexibility I have at a higher status in a lesser paid position. I am taking a chance working my ex-wifes periods of visitation, but my main question is: Do I have to notify her (call it a second right of first refusal) if I am working long hours on her forfeited days of visitation.
I am trying to prevent a large number of emails building up where I notify her I am working. I have had previous experience with accusation and half truths becoming the situation I am required to answer to.

I will be working every weekend my kids mother has visitation next month, for a total of 3, (1st, 3rd, 5th) I haven't worked 3 whole weekends since 2006. I have been flying domestic trips to be home every night because I don't want the X getting encouraged to drag me to court again. I do not have complete flexibility, and going into the winter months will have fewer domestic trips available to me. I am only trying to find the best fit, the best fit would be her providing a schedule and I would offer visitation to fit her needs, yes I know this is not required.

The advice is simple. You have good reasons for wanting Mom to be flexible. She doesn't legally have to be flexible. That means that you have two choices:

1. Find some way to work with Mom. The two of you need to learn to co-parent.

2. You could ask the court for a change in visitation orders. You could, for example, ask for an order that you get to provide ex with your schedule x weeks in advance and she gets to choose her visitation to work around your schedule.

Of course, there's no guarantee you could even get a hearing without a change of circumstances, nor is there any guarantee that the court would go with a solution like that. Because of that, I'd make every possible effort to do #1 before trying #2.

 

[stealth2]

Given that notice is only required to be 24 hours, she doesn't have to reply to you outside of that framework. While it's a shame that your Mom had to come out to house sit an empty house, your ex was not in any way n the wrong by not giving you more notice that she was going to exercise her right to care for the kids.

 

[JQ Citizen]

Thank you, both.

appreciate the advice. I in no way wish to obligate her, my email requests have been just that requests (What can I do for you). I can survive with either result, all I truly need from her is communication, and given her past practice I am assuming she will eventually cool off, but eventually will be a very long time.

She recently no-showed me for my younger sons birthday, I know I can spend a lot of time and money to go to court and gain what??

I have to say I can appreciate the limitations required to get to court to discourage petty suits. But the delays and other factors almost reward a passive aggressive attitude and the result is petty people can get the satisfaction of being petty.