First steps to take in the divorce process

[FatherofTwins]

Texas

I find myself in an unfortunate and all too common circumstance of contemplating a divorce after 6 years of marriage and having two beautiful twin girls (18months).

I am so terrified about not having custody of my girls, because I am the father.

The mother is a great mother and I think myself as a great father as well, both on par with each other. I don't even know this is the route that i want to take yet, but I thought it best to start researching what might be the reality in the next coming months/years.

Our biggest issue is constant arguing and although we both try not to argue in front of the girls, at times I have noticed my girls noticing my wife's temperament change in the sense that they do not act as playful and are more contemplative nature around the mom.

I see their little brains at work trying to figure out the change in mom's behavior and attitude. Don't get me wrong, Mom tries to hide her animosity towards me in front of the girls, but she is always on a short fuse.

Basically, since there are various issues that neither Mom or myself can resolve after two years of going through this with stints of good times, but at the end of the day after all the smiles with the girls some how our talkings evolve into arguments without fail and I just do not like this.

I have been a full-time college student for the past 4 years, but have managed to still be the bread winner in this relationship, which is not to say I or we make a lot of money, but I have worked hard to provide the necessities, while in school. While my wife has always had good intentions of finding a decent employment after 8 years of being together, she still hasn't found a decent paying employment that will better our financial situation, which is huge for me.

I am graduating in December with a job lined up and will commission in the Army as a Lieutenant, so I will have a secure job, but I fear me even being associated with the military will lessen my chances for custody if it comes to that.

I guess my question is... What is the reality of a father (Me) in the military gaining primary custody over a mother who is a great mother, but financially lacking?

Thanks for any advice or direction.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[LdiJ]

Texas

I find myself in an unfortunate and all too common circumstance of contemplating a divorce after 6 years of marriage and having two beautiful twin girls (18months).

I am so terrified about not having custody of my girls, because I am the father.

The mother is a great mother and I think myself as a great father as well, both on par with each other. I don't even know this is the route that i want to take yet, but I thought it best to start researching what might be the reality in the next coming months/years.

Our biggest issue is constant arguing and although we both try not to argue in front of the girls, at times I have noticed my girls noticing my wife's temperament change in the sense that they do not act as playful and are more contemplative nature around the mom.

I see their little brains at work trying to figure out the change in mom's behavior and attitude. Don't get me wrong, Mom tries to hide her animosity towards me in front of the girls, but she is always on a short fuse.

Basically, since there are various issues that neither Mom or myself can resolve after two years of going through this with stints of good times, but at the end of the day after all the smiles with the girls some how our talkings evolve into arguments without fail and I just do not like this.

I have been a full-time college student for the past 4 years, but have managed to still be the bread winner in this relationship, which is not to say I or we make a lot of money, but I have worked hard to provide the necessities, while in school. While my wife has always had good intentions of finding a decent employment after 8 years of being together, she still hasn't found a decent paying employment that will better our financial situation, which is huge for me.

I am graduating in December with a job lined up and will commission in the Army as a Lieutenant, so I will have a secure job, but I fear me even being associated with the military will lessen my chances for custody if it comes to that.

I guess my question is... What is the reality of a father (Me) in the military gaining primary custody over a mother who is a great mother, but financially lacking?

Thanks for any advice or direction.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Finances are completely irrelevant when it comes to custody...so the fact that you will have a secure job or the fact that you have been the breadwinner won't matter at all.

Unfortunately your planned military career likely will be a problem for you. First, because you will likely be deployable, and second because you will likely be stationed somewhere away from where you live now. When you are divorced, or when you are getting divorced, its very difficult to get permission to relocate the children away from the other parent.

What is very relevant to custody is who has been the primary caretaker for the children? Who spends the most time with them? Who takes them to the doctor? Who gives them their baths, washes their clothes, feeds them their meals, gets them dressed, takes them to daycare (or cares for them while the other parent is working)? etc.

If that person is mom, and combined with your future military career, the odds are strong that mom will end up with primary custody.

 

[mistoffolees]

Finances are completely irrelevant when it comes to custody...so the fact that you will have a secure job or the fact that you have been the breadwinner won't matter at all.

Unfortunately your planned military career likely will be a problem for you. First, because you will likely be deployable, and second because you will likely be stationed somewhere away from where you live now. When you are divorced, or when you are getting divorced, its very difficult to get permission to relocate the children away from the other parent.

What is very relevant to custody is who has been the primary caretaker for the children? Who spends the most time with them? Who takes them to the doctor? Who gives them their baths, washes their clothes, feeds them their meals, gets them dressed, takes them to daycare (or cares for them while the other parent is working)? etc.

If that person is mom, and combined with your future military career, the odds are strong that mom will end up with primary custody.

It's worse than that. IIRC, if the divorce is final before he enlists, he will not be able to have even joint legal custody. To enlist, he will need to give his stbx sole legal custody. Physical custody can be whatever they want, though. That creates a HUGE problem for the future. I don't know how it works if the divorce is still in progress at the time of his enlistment - he needs to research the rules to find out.

He needs to make sure he understands the military rules on single parents (and note that the military uses a strange definition of 'single parent'). It will have a major impact on the role he can play in the kids' lives.

Given that, he may decide to re-think his plans if being a major part of the kids' lives is important to him.

 

[ecmst12]

When you join the military you place your job above your family. While this is a noble sacrifice, it makes you ill-suited for primary custody.

And if you're noticing mom's temprament changing and your kids noticing, it's changing because of you! Presumably when you are not around mom, she is her normal relaxed self. You won't be able to use that argument against her.

Have you been to counseling? Twin toddlers plus money worries would stress ANY couple!