Court-Ordered Counseling?

[mistoffolees]

About six months ago, my ex was allowed to move about an hour and a half away with our daughter. We share 50/50 custody, however we are completely unable to communicate which makes this situation a nightmare.

I sent her an email two weeks ago telling her it's time to schedule our daughter for her annual physical, as well as her dentist appointment. Mom got a new job, so her medical insurance changed. Our daughter will be switching to a family doctor in mom's area.

In that same email, I told her that I would like to keep her dentist she has here in my area, and would be adding her to my dental insurance ASAP; which I did. The next day I called and scheduled a dentist appt, and right after, I sent mom an email informing her of the appointment.

Yesterday I got an email telling me that our daughter will be going to a dentist in her area, and she has scheduled an appointment for her.. which happens to fall on the day before she already has an appointment here. I called the dentist office that she is trying to take our daughter to, and the appointment was scheduled September 2; more than a week after she was informed of the appointment here.

I know that most things are not hills to die on. Trust me. It has taken me a while, but I have learned to let most things go. I just don't think I can let this go. I am constantly being accused of not taking an active parenting role in mom's court declarations, then she pulls something like this. I also asked her to consider rescheduling the physical appointment to a day I would be able to attend and she said no. She doesn't have to, so she isn't going to. She is doing everything she can to try to push me out of our daughter's life.

I have asked the court for ordered co-parenting classes / counseling, and they basically ignored the request. Mom's answer to everything with me is "if you don't like it, take me to court."

Any advice on what I should do about the dentist appointment?

Cancel the appointment you made - unless you want to be paying for 2 appointments.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Attend the dentist that mom scheduled. Why? It's more important that she see A dentist than none at all. Both parents can get the scoop at the same time.

And feel free to ask the courts for co-parenting classes and co-parenting software for you to use to communicate. It shows timelines.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

In a previous thread of mine, it was suggested that I request some kind of court-ordered co-parenting classes/counseling for my ex and I. Is it likely that a Judge would order something like this if the other parent was against it? I suggested this to my ex this weekend and she flat out told me that she will not attend any kind of parenting classes. She told me "she doesn't need to be told how to be a parent to her daughter." I told her I am not questioning her parenting skills, I am simply saying she needs to understand that we are supposed to be parenting together. She just blew me off.

I know she will not agree to this unless it is ordered by the court, and I don't even know if it will really help. I just want to do whatever is necessary to try to make the next 16 years easier on everybody.

Thanks in advance for your help

Co-parenting counseling might be more beneficial. If you suggest to her that you would like the two of you to attend co-parent counseling to help you work together, she might be more amenable.

Personally, I find co-parenting classes to be pretty worthless. They are required here for a divorce and I thought that the one I attended was of no value at all, and my ex found the one he attended to be no different.

 

[InfantCustody]

My ex does the same thing. He makes it a power struggle...and I'll admit it stings a little to let it go but is it really worth fighting over a dentist?

My ex made our sons first dentist appointment and sent me a text saying "I made Little Infants dentist appointment with MY dentist. It is tomorrow. You are welcome to attend." He's not even one yet, and didn't even need an appointment, but it wasn't worth the fight. The dentist asked us why we were there because there us nothing you can do with an 11 month olds mouth minus anesthesia!

Now, he lives 65% of the time with me and I could fight it, or I can just say "good for you" and know he's had dental care. I also registered him with the pediatric dentist my older son uses so he has a dentist who is close by for emergencies. I did that when his first tooth came in.
Otherwise, if teeth are clean and healthy, who cares?

Being an hour and a half apart and with 50/50 it really wouldn't hurt to have her info on file at a location in both areas for emergencies...so long as she has one primary care doctor who is responsible for check ups, vaccines, etc.

Who is designated as primary for school, or is that not set? To me, it would make sense to have her primary doctor and dentist in the area she will be in for school.

Co-parenting classes don't do much. My ex took one, so did I. I have no experience with co parenting counseling, but I have heard some people say it works. Others have said it only works if both people want it to work...which is true with most counseling. The court can order you to sit there, they can't order you to put what you learn into practice.

Does the court system where you live use parenting coordinators? I have heard they can reduce conflict and litigation...

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

My ex does the same thing. He makes it a power struggle...and I'll admit it stings a little to let it go but is it really worth fighting over a dentist?

My ex made our sons first dentist appointment and sent me a text saying "I made Little Infants dentist appointment with MY dentist. It is tomorrow. You are welcome to attend." He's not even one yet, and didn't even need an appointment, but it wasn't worth the fight. The dentist asked us why we were there because there us nothing you can do with an 11 month olds mouth minus anesthesia!

Now, he lives 65% of the time with me and I could fight it, or I can just say "good for you" and know he's had dental care. I also registered him with the pediatric dentist my older son uses so he has a dentist who is close by for emergencies. I did that when his first tooth came in.
Otherwise, if teeth are clean and healthy, who cares?

Being an hour and a half apart and with 50/50 it really wouldn't hurt to have her info on file at a location in both areas for emergencies...so long as she has one primary care doctor who is responsible for check ups, vaccines, etc.

Who is designated as primary for school, or is that not set? To me, it would make sense to have her primary doctor and dentist in the area she will be in for school.

Co-parenting classes don't do much. My ex took one, so did I. I have no experience with co parenting counseling, but I have heard some people say it works. Others have said it only works if both people want it to work...which is true with most counseling. The court can order you to sit there, they can't order you to put what you learn into practice.

Does the court system where you live use parenting coordinators? I have heard they can reduce conflict and litigation...

Where she will be going to school has not yet been determined, which is why there is such a power struggle right now. We are both trying our hardest to maintain each of our homes and our daughter's "primary" home. Once she starts kindergarten a judge will have to determine which parent she will be with during the week.

I don't like any of this. I don't like the power struggle or the games, but I also don't want to get screwed over once we go back to court just because I have allowed mom to make all of these decisions on her own just to avoid conflict. I am just really scared of becoming a weekend dad... I have fought so hard to avoid that.

 

[LdiJ]

Where she will be going to school has not yet been determined, which is why there is such a power struggle right now. We are both trying our hardest to maintain each of our homes and our daughter's "primary" home. Once she starts kindergarten a judge will have to determine which parent she will be with during the week.

I don't like any of this. I don't like the power struggle or the games, but I also don't want to get screwed over once we go back to court just because I have allowed mom to make all of these decisions on her own just to avoid conflict. I am just really scared of becoming a weekend dad... I have fought so hard to avoid that.

Mom is just as scared of becoming a weekend mom as you are of becoming a weekend dad.

 

[mariasusa]

I agree on the coparent counseling vs classes, although am concerned the judge shot you down on that one. Don't know if you'd get a different outcome requesting counseling...now made more difficult with mom not being local anymore. Fact is, with her move, you are moved away from participating in primary parenting...appt. making, etc. (I am curious though its off topic...on what grounds did the judge ok her move away with kids?)

Back to coparent counseling, say you end up in front of a judge again. I strongly recommend you do major homework FIRST. Find out from court house or local family law attorneys the list the court uses when recommending a coparent counselor. Don't just pick one out of the phone book. If your in a populated area...there are probably at least 3 or 4 counselors who this is what they do all day for a living, talk with parents who have high conflict, or cannot coparent. Get a good one (get a recommendation)...hopefully somewhere you and mom could meet in between your respective homes..(I know tricky, but you can do it) and THEN when your filing a motion or responding to one...put that name down and request coparent counseling. Spend a paragragh outlining how your attempts to coparent keep failing, and you are desperate to be able to communicate with mom around all aspects of raising the children.

Sorry to go on so long...my exp. is this is the only inroad I have made to some level of respectful coparenting with my ex. Its hard work, and in the past it hasn't always helped at all. But get a good one (alas the hw above) who will track agreements you make together, and steer towards making coparenting agreements in the first place...its the only advice I have other than keep showing up, let the small stuff go (dental thing...document it but its small), document everything.

Last but not least, my understanding is IF a judge orders coparent counseling, and mom blows it off, heck yes she is in contempt. She may get a slap on the wrist, and, that time can also be used to re-request coparent counseling...have it ordered it begins by a certain date...if she still blows it off a couple of times, go back to court.

Good luck. I know this isn't helpful as you already got shot down. I see you are trying hard to be a part of your childrens' lives and I wish you well. Don't give up, but also don't let it get to you.

 

[mariasusa]

Where she will be going to school has not yet been determined, which is why there is such a power struggle right now. We are both trying our hardest to maintain each of our homes and our daughter's "primary" home. Once she starts kindergarten a judge will have to determine which parent she will be with during the week.

I don't like any of this. I don't like the power struggle or the games, but I also don't want to get screwed over once we go back to court just because I have allowed mom to make all of these decisions on her own just to avoid conflict. I am just really scared of becoming a weekend dad... I have fought so hard to avoid that.

Didn't read your last post when posted above. I ASSumed child in school. Why? I don't know. I am still curious about how mom was allowed to move so far away, although it is water under the bridge. So you and mom do 50/50 now? No primary residence...

I still stick to much of my previous advice, and have more hope as a court date WILL happen before kindergarden...so you will have the opportunity to research coparent counseling in your area. And document, document, document, try to get as much as you can in emails, make sure you are always working to cooperate with mom around the child...highlight the areas you think mom is contentious and excludes you in care regarding the children if you are requesting primary custody.

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

Didn't read your last post when posted above. I ASSumed child in school. Why? I don't know. I am still curious about how mom was allowed to move so far away, although it is water under the bridge. So you and mom do 50/50 now? No primary residence...

I still stick to much of my previous advice, and have more hope as a court date WILL happen before kindergarden...so you will have the opportunity to research coparent counseling in your area. And document, document, document, try to get as much as you can in emails, make sure you are always working to cooperate with mom around the child...highlight the areas you think mom is contentious and excludes you in care regarding the children if you are requesting primary custody.

A year prior to the most recent move, Mom tried to move across the country. Of course I fought that and the Judge told mom she may move, but our daughter may NOT.

Then she came up with the new request to move. I fought that as well, but rather than disallowing the move, the Judge changed our parenting time to 50/50. I was perfectly happy with that decision because now I see my daughter much more than I did before. The problem will come in two years when the decision has to be made. I am dreading that battle.

Thanks for your advice. Everything that is being said is common sense, but sometimes you just need to hear it from others.

Thanks, again.

 

[InfantCustody]

Where she will be going to school has not yet been determined, which is why there is such a power struggle right now. We are both trying our hardest to maintain each of our homes and our daughter's "primary" home. Once she starts kindergarten a judge will have to determine which parent she will be with during the week.

I don't like any of this. I don't like the power struggle or the games, but I also don't want to get screwed over once we go back to court just because I have allowed mom to make all of these decisions on her own just to avoid conflict. I am just really scared of becoming a weekend dad... I have fought so hard to avoid that.

You have to pick and choose your battles. When it comes down to it, the fact that her dentist is in Mom's town is not what will/won't land Mom primary once she is school age.

My ex is doing the same things for the same reasons. Once my son is 2, we will have a 4 days (me) 3 days (him) schedule. At 45 minutes apart, he is not willing to have that continue once he is school age...he's already told me that. So, where he will live will be up for us to negotiate or the court to decide. But, with my son turning one tomorrow, I am not going to spend the next 4 years in a power struggle.

Really? Pick and choose your battles...then perhaps when your daughter is school age you and mom can mediate an agreement instead of having the court decide.