Keeping my ex from my step daughters

[camster39]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ

Summary: divorced in 2007 and I remarried in 2009 and now have 2 step daughters in addition to my 2 biological children.

There have been many occasions where my ex has overstepped her boundaries with my step daughters. She has never 'physically' hurt them or threatened to hurt them but has instead simply made them very uncomfortable in a purely psychological approach (e.g. asking them to call her their 'aunt', asking them detailed questions about my wedding, asking them about my wife's wedding dress). We've asked her on several occasions to stop this type of behavior and about a year ago we had our attorney draft a quick letter to tell her to stop. In addition, I've also requested, several times, that she adhere to a curbside pickup and dropoff but she still walks the boys to the door and does her best to make comments to my step daughters whenever she gets a chance.

She has left weird messages on our voicemail (e.g. congratulating my step daughter on her graduation etc....) --- and recently when she comes to drop off my boys, she gets out of the car and tries to hug my step daughters (telling them they look beautiful and asks them about school).

Again, this type of behavior would be perfectly fine but let's just say that my ex has done everything in her power to 'get back at' my wife, including writing very degrading things on several internet articles, calling her place of employment, telling everyone from the local hairdresser to the furniture store of all the 'gory details' --- this is blatantly obvious that this is her only real way to get to my wife and unfortunately the girls are caught in the middle.

Let me finalize this by saying that I have no means to hire an attorney to handle this - I simply cannot afford it. Ideally, I'd like for my wife to file for a restraining order to somehow protect the girls. From what I can gather, a restraining order is limited to acts and / or threats of physical violence. What are my options if we are to go about this one our own? Am I just wasting my time with attempting to get a restraining order?

I can send my ex another email about this but we've probably done this about 6 times already and obviously it's not working. Thank you.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ

Summary: divorced in 2007 and I remarried in 2009 and now have 2 step daughters in addition to my 2 biological children.

There have been many occasions where my ex has overstepped her boundaries with my step daughters. She has never 'physically' hurt them or threatened to hurt them but has instead simply made them very uncomfortable in a purely psychological approach (e.g. asking them to call her their 'aunt', asking them detailed questions about my wedding, asking them about my wife's wedding dress). We've asked her on several occasions to stop this type of behavior and about a year ago we had our attorney draft a quick letter to tell her to stop. In addition, I've also requested, several times, that she adhere to a curbside pickup and dropoff but she still walks the boys to the door and does her best to make comments to my step daughters whenever she gets a chance.

She has left weird messages on our voicemail (e.g. congratulating my step daughter on her graduation etc....) --- and recently when she comes to drop off my boys, she gets out of the car and tries to hug my step daughters (telling them they look beautiful and asks them about school).

Again, this type of behavior would be perfectly fine but let's just say that my ex has done everything in her power to 'get back at' my wife, including writing very degrading things on several internet articles, calling her place of employment, telling everyone from the local hairdresser to the furniture store of all the 'gory details' --- this is blatantly obvious that this is her only real way to get to my wife and unfortunately the girls are caught in the middle.

Let me finalize this by saying that I have no means to hire an attorney to handle this - I simply cannot afford it. Ideally, I'd like for my wife to file for a restraining order to somehow protect the girls. From what I can gather, a restraining order is limited to acts and / or threats of physical violence. What are my options if we are to go about this one our own? Am I just wasting my time with attempting to get a restraining order?

I can send my ex another email about this but we've probably done this about 6 times already and obviously it's not working. Thank you.

This is really up to Mom, not you. If Mom doesn't want your ex contacting her daughters, there may be remedies for that.

You however have none.

I am though getting the distinct impression that this is more about you feeling uncomfortable than the kids.

 

[camster39]

I realize this is up to Mom and not me - that is not the question that I am trying to ask. If we were to move forward with filing any sort of complaint, order etc....it would be my wife who does it and not me.

You mentioned that there may be some remedies for my wife - could you expand on that? What remedies, if any, exist for her?

And yes, this is much more to do with the adults being uncomfortable than the kids. They are very young and there is no way they can understand the full 'motives' here. With that said, when my step daughters come crying to their mother as to why would xxx would try to hug them, we become a little concerned.

Although they are young, they are not blind to what's going on - they've heard, mostly from school mates, friends what my ex has done over the past few years to get back at us. They've heard much more than they should and simply stated, they are uncomfortable. They are not intimidated, fearful or scared but they are uncomfortable as to why someone who despises their Mom so much would try to hug them and talk to them and try to dig information from them.

My wife and I; however, are much more concerned. What remedies, if any, exist for my wife?

 

[Banned_Princess]

why would young children be afraid to hug someone they appear to know...

 

[mistoffolees]

She has left weird messages on our voicemail (e.g. congratulating my step daughter on her graduation etc....)

Oh, that's weird, alright.

Seems to me that you're overreacting quite a bit. However, your stepdaughters don't have to interact with your ex. If they choose to, then it's not your problem.

 

[Proserpina]

I realize this is up to Mom and not me - that is not the question that I am trying to ask. If we were to move forward with filing any sort of complaint, order etc....it would be my wife who does it and not me.

You mentioned that there may be some remedies for my wife - could you expand on that? What remedies, if any, exist for her?

And yes, this is much more to do with the adults being uncomfortable than the kids. They are very young and there is no way they can understand the full 'motives' here. With that said, when my step daughters come crying to their mother as to why would xxx would try to hug them, we become a little concerned.

Although they are young, they are not blind to what's going on - they've heard, mostly from school mates, friends what my ex has done over the past few years to get back at us. They've heard much more than they should and simply stated, they are uncomfortable. They are not intimidated, fearful or scared but they are uncomfortable as to why someone who despises their Mom so much would try to hug them and talk to them and try to dig information from them.

My wife and I; however, are much more concerned. What remedies, if any, exist for my wife?

Quick question.

Why would you first say this, if the girls are SO uncomfortable?

Again, this type of behavior would be perfectly fine

Do you see how this thread reads?

 

[camster39]

If you were say, 9 years old, and for years (as far as you can remember) you've witnessed someone trying desperately to hurt your Mom (again, not physically but in every 'legal' way possible) and then this person asks you detailed questions about your Mom and tries to hug you -- would you be upset?

Perhaps I am overreacting - my question is only this --- 'what legal remedies do I have'.

 

[camster39]

Quick question.

Why would you first say this, if the girls are SO uncomfortable?




Do you see how this thread reads?

It would be perfectly fine if it were a friend or a amicable divorce but this is far from it. It sounds like I'm not getting anywhere and there are no legal remedies.

 

[Ohiogal]

Actually YOU are overstepping.

 

[Proserpina]

If you were say, 9 years old, and for years (as far as you can remember) you've witnessed someone trying desperately to hurt your Mom (again, not physically but in every 'legal' way possible) and then this person asks you detailed questions about your Mom and tries to hug you -- would you be upset?

Please don't give us lines about kids teasing them at school, okay?

But really - exactly why do the girls know all of this?

Who is feeding them information?

And as "far as you can remember?"

You've only been remarried since 2009.

Perhaps I am overreacting - my question is only this --- 'what legal remedies do I have'.

You have none.

 

[stealth2]

I was also wondering why a bunch of 9yo's (I'm including the kids at school) would know all about what your ex has done. That's just... weird.

But I have to ask - were you involved with your current wife before your ex became an ex?

 

[Proserpina]

I was also wondering why a bunch of 9yo's (I'm including the kids at school) would know all about what your ex has done. That's just... weird.

But I have to ask - were you involved with your current wife before your ex became an ex?

Gotta tell you, that's the first question that went through my head too.

 

[LdiJ]

To be honest, as an outsider, it comes across as though your ex is attempting to be nice to your stepdaughters. It may also come across as a little creepy to some, but I don't think that it is enough for you to take any kind of legal action. She is in no way threatening them or stalking them or anything of that nature.

Think about it? Think about presenting the information that you presented here to a judge? Trying to tell a judge that you want a restraining order because your ex wife tries to hug your stepdaughters, tells them they are beautiful, congradulates them on a graduation, asks them pleasant questions about school or your wedding...etc.

I can understand the girls feeling a little uncomfortable because someone who really isn't a "friend" is being a little too friendly with them, but it shouldn't scare them unless you and your wife have allowed them to know far more than children should know about your divorce/marital issues.

It really should be easy to fix the problem. Just keep the girls away from the door when you exchange your children, and then they will not be available for her to speak to them.

 

[happybug]

Where does your EX see your step-daughters? You mentioned drop off. Why do your step-daughters need to be in the driveway when your EX is expected? If everyone is so uncomfortable, couldn't your step-daughters remain in the house during drop off? You don't ever have to allow your EX inside your home. It seems to me there are way easier ways to keep your EX away from your step-daughters than the legal route.

 

[Proserpina]

Where does your EX see your step-daughters? You mentioned drop off. Why do your step-daughters need to be in the driveway when your EX is expected? If everyone is so uncomfortable, couldn't your step-daughters remain in the house during drop off? You don't ever have to allow your EX inside your home. It seems to me there are way easier ways to keep your EX away from your step-daughters than the legal route.

Because despite yours and LdiJ's posts - you both make great points - this isn't really about the girls feeling uncomfortable.

There's a lot of exaggeration going on here (that much is obvious), but ultimately this is about control.