Parental Alienation

[mistoffolees]

Yeah, we had our lawyers, we had a GAL, and we had a psychologist, and we had and continue to have counselors. But what do you do when, over the course of months, these entities completely bankrupt you and you are completely maxed out on credit? What if your spouse has no income and you are required to pay for both sides? I had no choice but to settle or go per se and risk a lesser fate for my kids.

I have great respect for the legal profession, but the overall cost of the process was unconscionable. When I refer to "raising awareness" in the video, I am not just referring to Parental Alienation, but changes that need to be made with the system at large.

I think it is extremely unlikely that my kids would ever stumble upon a Parental Alienation video. They have never heard me utter these words, and they have never heard me badmouth their mother, for that matter. I keep EVERYTHING from them.

I have actually done a lot of reading on Parental Alienation Syndrome, both in the lay and in the medical literature. Regarding earlier comments, could it be that the term PAS has outgrown its original usage by Dr. Gardner? I think this is pretty common in medicine, wherein most nomenclature dates back centuries. And, I think it is unfair to dismiss a syndrome/disorder/entity because the original author (Gardner) made some stupid comments about pedophilia. Galen and Hippocrates said some pretty stupid stuff as well.

There isn't a single recognized mental health professional who would back "Parental alienation syndrome" today. It's just doesn't have any validity.

What is it with trying to put a label on everything? It is well accepted that saying bad things about your ex isn't good for your kids and that trying to cut your ex out of the kids' lives is generally bad. Just stick to the ACTIONS which are bad rather than trying to label it as a syndrome. Ask the court to rule that neither parent can make disparaging remarks about the other side. Make sure that the visitation rules are clear and enforceable. If ex violates them, then sue for contempt. No need to make up a syndrome to explain things.

As for the cost, my experience is that legal expenses cost whatever you want them to cost. It reminds me of the State Farm commercial where the guy has his car up a telephone pole - repeatedly. If you drive like that, your insurance cost will go up. Similarly, if you and your ex want to fight over every little thing, your legal cost will go up. I was lucky - as much as my ex wanted to go after me at every turn, she liked holding on to her money even more, so ours wasn't too unreasonable. But ultimately, it was something that we controlled, not the attorneys.

 

[Sarro]

I wasn't able to access the video, however, I would like to offer some assistance to the parent who was asking about parental alienation syndrome.This is a legitimate concern.

Individuals suffering from untreated mental health disorders as well as vindictive persons create havoc for family members as well as the courts. The legal system is more inclined to be persuaded by a pattern of behavior rather than a mental health term/diagnosis. Fortunately mental health experts can provide a broader understanding of the comprehensive nature of what is being referred to as "Parental Alienation Syndrome, PAS."

The following article is from Psychology Today's website. Caught Between Parents
Supporting children through the challenges of divorce
by Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D.

Parental alienation is a set of strategies that parents use to undermine and interfere with a child's relationship with his or her other parent.

There is no one definitive set of behaviors that constitute parental alienation but research with both parents and children has revealed a core set of 17 primary parental alienation strategies, including bad-mouthing the other parent, limiting contact with that parent, erasing the other parent from the life and mind of the child (forbidding discussion and pictures of the other parent), forcing child to reject the other parent, creating the impression that the other parent is dangerous, forcing the child to choose, and belittling and limiting contact with the extended family of the targeted parent.

Taken together, these 17 parental alienation strategies work to create psychological distance between the child and the targeted parent such that the relationship becomes conflict ridden and eventually non-existent, as the child is empowered to cut that parent off completely. Each of these strategies serve to A) further the child's cohesion and alignment with the alienating parent; B) create psychological distance between the child and the targeted parent; C) intensify the targeted parent's anger and hurt over the child's behavior; and D) incite conflict between the child and the targeted parent should the targeted parent challenge or react to the child's behavior.

Parents who try to alienate their child from his or her other parent convey a three-part message to the child: (1) I am the only parent who loves you and you need me to feel good about yourself, (2) the other parent is dangerous and unavailable, and (3) pursuing a relationship with that parent jeopardizes your relationship with me.

To read the complete article and for additional links:

Parental Alienation: Prevention is the key | Psychology Today

I hope this is helpful.

 

[LdiJ]

I wasn't able to access the video, however, I would like to offer some assistance to the parent who was asking about parental alienation syndrome.This is a legitimate concern.

Individuals suffering from untreated mental health disorders as well as vindictive persons create havoc for family members as well as the courts. The legal system is more inclined to be persuaded by a pattern of behavior rather than a mental health term/diagnosis. Fortunately mental health experts can provide a broader understanding of the comprehensive nature of what is being referred to as "Parental Alienation Syndrome, PAS."
The following article is from Psychology Today's website. Caught Between Parents
Supporting children through the challenges of divorce
by Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D.

Parental alienation is a set of strategies that parents use to undermine and interfere with a child's relationship with his or her other parent.

There is no one definitive set of behaviors that constitute parental alienation but research with both parents and children has revealed a core set of 17 primary parental alienation strategies, including bad-mouthing the other parent, limiting contact with that parent, erasing the other parent from the life and mind of the child (forbidding discussion and pictures of the other parent), forcing child to reject the other parent, creating the impression that the other parent is dangerous, forcing the child to choose, and belittling and limiting contact with the extended family of the targeted parent.

Taken together, these 17 parental alienation strategies work to create psychological distance between the child and the targeted parent such that the relationship becomes conflict ridden and eventually non-existent, as the child is empowered to cut that parent off completely. Each of these strategies serve to A) further the child's cohesion and alignment with the alienating parent; B) create psychological distance between the child and the targeted parent; C) intensify the targeted parent's anger and hurt over the child's behavior; and D) incite conflict between the child and the targeted parent should the targeted parent challenge or react to the child's behavior.

Parents who try to alienate their child from his or her other parent convey a three-part message to the child: (1) I am the only parent who loves you and you need me to feel good about yourself, (2) the other parent is dangerous and unavailable, and (3) pursuing a relationship with that parent jeopardizes your relationship with me.

To read the complete article and for additional links:

Parental Alienation: Prevention is the key | Psychology Today

I hope this is helpful.

See, you did the same thing that the OP did. You quoted an article about Parental Alienation and called it "Parental Alienation Syndrome". Not once in the article was the word "syndrome" stated.

 

[father99782]

Pas

I agree that, in general, we should hesitate to "medicalize" everything into some sort of disorder or syndrome, as if by labelling it we can delude ourselves into thinking we understand it. However I disagree that what you hear in the video I submitted is simply someone being "mean" or simply typical pre-divorce banter (the audio is from a couple years before the divorce, and the tirades date back 12 years). I have never spoken to another human being like that in my life and, lest I lose faith in mankind, I sincerely hope you guys are wrong about that one.

Prior to our divorce, my kids would never go to bed without their Daddy tucking them in. If I was out-of-town, they would never let a day go by without talking to me on the phone and sharing every little detail of their day. Now, post-alienation campaign, I have one son who refuses to see me, and a strained relationship with my daughter. None of them call me from their mother's home, and if I call they don't answer but sometimes will call me back when they can find a secluded spot (so their mother cannot hear). The eldest son that I mentioned started exhibiting emotional volatility toward me similar to what you hear from his mother in the video. This is not merely a legal issue; this is pathologic.

Could it be that Parental Alienation is a syndrome, in the same way that it is accurate to refer to Stockholm Syndrome, Munchausen Syndrome, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Or how about Battered Woman Syndrome? Should we simply say that a woman is a "battered woman," and ignore the constellation of psychological signs and symptoms that frequently cluster in cases of physical abuse against women? I'm curious what the legal perspective is on this entity.

As far as my case, all I can say is that whether you call it PA, or PAS, or PAD, or whatever you want to call it, the effect on my kids has been psychologically damaging (i.e. pathologic), and the predisposing conditions and the constellation of findings (i.e. syndrome) bear an eerie resemblance to innumerable cases reported by others. Awareness needs to be raised that not every parent who claims "parental alienation" is trying to cover-up their own abuse or bad parenting techniques, and awareness needs to be raised that parental alienation is not just a legal issue, but a mental health issue.

 

[LdiJ]

I agree that, in general, we should hesitate to "medicalize" everything into some sort of disorder or syndrome, as if by labelling it we can delude ourselves into thinking we understand it. However I disagree that what you hear in the video I submitted is simply someone being "mean" or simply typical pre-divorce banter (the audio is from a couple years before the divorce, and the tirades date back 12 years). I have never spoken to another human being like that in my life and, lest I lose faith in mankind, I sincerely hope you guys are wrong about that one.

Prior to our divorce, my kids would never go to bed without their Daddy tucking them in. If I was out-of-town, they would never let a day go by without talking to me on the phone and sharing every little detail of their day. Now, post-alienation campaign, I have one son who refuses to see me, and a strained relationship with my daughter. None of them call me from their mother's home, and if I call they don't answer but sometimes will call me back when they can find a secluded spot (so their mother cannot hear). The eldest son that I mentioned started exhibiting emotional volatility toward me similar to what you hear from his mother in the video. This is not merely a legal issue; this is pathologic.

Could it be that Parental Alienation is a syndrome, in the same way that it is accurate to refer to Stockholm Syndrome, Munchausen Syndrome, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Or how about Battered Woman Syndrome? Should we simply say that a woman is a "battered woman," and ignore the constellation of psychological signs and symptoms that frequently cluster in cases of physical abuse against women? I'm curious what the legal perspective is on this entity.

As far as my case, all I can say is that whether you call it PA, or PAS, or PAD, or whatever you want to call it, the effect on my kids has been psychologically damaging (i.e. pathologic), and the predisposing conditions and the constellation of findings (i.e. syndrome) bear an eerie resemblance to innumerable cases reported by others. Awareness needs to be raised that not every parent who claims "parental alienation" is trying to cover-up their own abuse or bad parenting techniques, and awareness needs to be raised that parental alienation is not just a legal issue, but a mental health issue.

If its so important to you, go into court with your obviously edited audio, scream that mom is perpetuating PAS, and see what kind of results you get.

We are trying to help you get rid of a mindset that could seriously total you in court.

I will try once again. Do NOT use that audio. DO not use the term PAS or "syndrome".

Do state your belief that mom is seriously alienating you from the children and why you believe that (the children's reactions), and do ask for a GAL to be appointed to investigate the matter.

Do things the right way, not the wrong way.

 

[Ohiogal]

If its so important to you, go into court with your obviously edited audio, scream that mom is perpetuating PAS, and see what kind of results you get.

We are trying to help you get rid of a mindset that could seriously total you in court.

I will try once again. Do NOT use that audio. DO not use the term PAS or "syndrome".

Do state your belief that mom is seriously alienating you from the children and why you believe that (the children's reactions), and do ask for a GAL to be appointed to investigate the matter.

Do things the right way, not the wrong way.

Hey OP ... LD and I agree.

 

[Just Blue]

PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) is what has been completely discredited...and no, it has not outgrown Dr. Gardner.

Parental Alienation, or alienation in other contexts is totally recognized. What you need to get rid of is the PAS in your vocabulary and simply say Parental Alienation. Alienation is NOT a syndrome or disorder and never will be. Syndrome or disorder implies a form of mental illness. It is not necessary to be mentally ill in order to alienate people...or in order to alienate your children from their other parent. All it takes is being angry, hurt and unkind.

Excellent post!! Gonna rip it off for my siggy!