Help!!

[spunkylady77]

My husband and I have been married a month short of 15 years. He told me last night that he wants a divorce. We have 3 children that he is not going to fight for custody over. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 5 years. What is feasible for child support and alimony? What is the usual steps regarding our debt? We have about $35,000 in loans & credit cards. If I do ask for alimony, am I responsible for half the debt even though he has been the bread winner? I will have to move to Washington to return to work and have support so as not to worry about child care and my husband is okay with that. He wants us to move quickly, do I need a lawyer, mediation or should we handle it online like he would prefer.
What is the name of your state (Oregon)

 

[davidmcbeth3]

if you can get what you want w/o a litigation attny I would say go for it. But I would still seek out a lawyer's advice.

 

[st-kitts]

Divorce attorneys generally offer a free initial consultation. You would be well served to talk with several attorneys and discuss the arrangements that you and your soon-to-be-ex agree have discussed together.

If the attorneys indicate the tentative agreement appears standard/reasonable/generous, then doing it yourselves might work. If you find out the offer from your STBX is in fact much less than you would receive otherwise, you would find out now rather than kick yourself after the ink is dry on a divorce agreement.

 

[Ohiogal]

My husband and I have been married a month short of 15 years. He told me last night that he wants a divorce. We have 3 children that he is not going to fight for custody over. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 5 years. What is feasible for child support and alimony? What is the usual steps regarding our debt? We have about $35,000 in loans & credit cards. If I do ask for alimony, am I responsible for half the debt even though he has been the bread winner? I will have to move to Washington to return to work and have support so as not to worry about child care and my husband is okay with that. He wants us to move quickly, do I need a lawyer, mediation or should we handle it online like he would prefer.
What is the name of your state (Oregon)

Alimony would be income. You are responsible for half the marital debt regardless. If he keeps all of the debt he shouldn't pay you alimony. Why? Because you will have gotten the benefit of $17,500 with no issues. He will have to pay child support however. Why should you get ALIMONY and no responsibility?

 

[mistoffolees]

Alimony would be income. You are responsible for half the marital debt regardless. If he keeps all of the debt he shouldn't pay you alimony. Why? Because you will have gotten the benefit of $17,500 with no issues. He will have to pay child support however. Why should you get ALIMONY and no responsibility?

Saying that she shouldn't get any alimony if he takes the debt is not correct. We don't know his income. If he's earning $300 K per year, he's likely to be paying her alimony even if he takes all the debt.

OP, here's the way it works:

- You're each entitled to 1/2 of all marital assets. That is essentially assets accumulated while you were married (but not gifts or inheritance to either of you).
- You are each responsible for 1/2 of the marital debt. Note, however, that if you both cosigned it, the bank can hold you each 100% responsible for the debt and you'd have to sort out the difference in court.
- It is not uncommon to trade off debt for assets. For example, in your case, you would be responsible for $17,500 worth of the debt. However, your ex could take all the debt and give you $17,500 less than your share of assets.
- Note that the above 50:50 division is standard, but you live in an equitable distribution state where the court can divide in some other ratio in order to be fair. For example, if someone worked to put their spouse through Med school, the court might give them a greater share of the assets. This is typically only used in fairly unusual circumstances, though. Best to figure on 50:50.
- The bank can not be bound by your divorce agreement. For example, the person who keeps the home needs to be able to afford it on their own.
- Make sure to consider retirement accounts or other deferred accounts (stock options, etc) when dividing assets.
- Child support is fairly straightforward and is done by a simple calculation:
Oregon Child Support Program - Child Support Guidelines Calculator
- Alimony is less well defined than child support. Quick summary:
Oregon Alimony FAQ's | divorcenet.com
It really comes down to how much your husband earns among other factors.
- Whether you receive alimony or not, it is likely to be of limited duration (perhaps 5 years more or less), so you'll need to find a way to support yourself. One common situation is for the alimony recipient to go back to school while receiving alimony so s/he is better able to support him/herself after alimony runs out. As a single parent, you may be eligible for financial aid to help with this transition, as well.

I strongly concur that you need to consult with an attorney. If your husband is offering to give you a deal in order to get it settled quickly, he may be more interested in what's in it for him. For example, with a 15 year marriage and you being a SAHM, he's probably got a decent income and some money in retirement accounts. Did he offer to split those with you?

 

[Ohiogal]

Saying that she shouldn't get any alimony if he takes the debt is not correct. We don't know his income. If he's earning $300 K per year, he's likely to be paying her alimony even if he takes all the debt.

OP, here's the way it works:

- You're each entitled to 1/2 of all marital assets. That is essentially assets accumulated while you were married (but not gifts or inheritance to either of you).
- You are each responsible for 1/2 of the marital debt. Note, however, that if you both cosigned it, the bank can hold you each 100% responsible for the debt and you'd have to sort out the difference in court.
- It is not uncommon to trade off debt for assets. For example, in your case, you would be responsible for $17,500 worth of the debt. However, your ex could take all the debt and give you $17,500 less than your share of assets.
- Note that the above 50:50 division is standard, but you live in an equitable distribution state where the court can divide in some other ratio in order to be fair. For example, if someone worked to put their spouse through Med school, the court might give them a greater share of the assets. This is typically only used in fairly unusual circumstances, though. Best to figure on 50:50.
- The bank can not be bound by your divorce agreement. For example, the person who keeps the home needs to be able to afford it on their own.
- Make sure to consider retirement accounts or other deferred accounts (stock options, etc) when dividing assets.
- Child support is fairly straightforward and is done by a simple calculation:
Oregon Child Support Program - Child Support Guidelines Calculator
- Alimony is less well defined than child support. Quick summary:
Oregon Alimony FAQ's | divorcenet.com
It really comes down to how much your husband earns among other factors.
- Whether you receive alimony or not, it is likely to be of limited duration (perhaps 5 years more or less), so you'll need to find a way to support yourself. One common situation is for the alimony recipient to go back to school while receiving alimony so s/he is better able to support him/herself after alimony runs out. As a single parent, you may be eligible for financial aid to help with this transition, as well.

I strongly concur that you need to consult with an attorney. If your husband is offering to give you a deal in order to get it settled quickly, he may be more interested in what's in it for him. For example, with a 15 year marriage and you being a SAHM, he's probably got a decent income and some money in retirement accounts. Did he offer to split those with you?

Okay good point. You are right. I don't know his income and mis-spoke. I agree with you.

 

[Bali Hai]

Okay good point. You are right. I don't know his income and mis-spoke. I agree with you.

We also don't know OP's earning capability. She has been out of the work force for only 5 years. Maybe her income would be higher than his.

It sounds like she wants to be supported for the rest of her life while she watches soap operas all day, goes to the gym, gets her hair done and figures she looks so good, she should get paid for it. That ain't going to happen.

 

[spunkylady77]

My husband earns between $100,000-$120,000 depending on his commissions. We were married right out of high school when we had our first child. I only have a high school education. Before my younger children were born I earned about $12,000. It was part time because he wanted me home when my daughter was out of school.
At one point in our marriage I was working 3 part time jobs for a year because he had been laid off and decided to sell cars. I was fortunate enough to be able to count on family for child care.

 

[mistoffolees]

My husband earns between $100,000-$120,000 depending on his commissions. We were married right out of high school when we had our first child. I only have a high school education. Before my younger children were born I earned about $12,000. It was part time because he wanted me home when my daughter was out of school.
At one point in our marriage I was working 3 part time jobs for a year because he had been laid off and decided to sell cars. I was fortunate enough to be able to count on family for child care.

Chances are that you would be imputed a full time income at minimum wage ($17,680 K per year in OR). Given that difference in your incomes, it is likely that you will receive some alimony, at least for a few years.

Given that you're likely to be imputed income, anyway, you need to get started in looking for work.

What is there in the way of assets? Home (how much equity?), retirement accounts, vehicles, cash value of life insurance, etc?

 

[spunkylady77]

We also don't know OP's earning capability. She has been out of the work force for only 5 years. Maybe her income would be higher than his.

It sounds like she wants to be supported for the rest of her life while she watches soap operas all day, goes to the gym, gets her hair done and figures she looks so good, she should get paid for it. That ain't going to happen.

My husband earns between $100,000-$120,000 depending on his commissions. We were married right out of high school when we had our first child. I only have a high school education. Before my younger children were born I earned about $12,000. It was part time because he wanted me home when my daughter was out of school. In this kind of economy, I am realistic enough to see I will not be earning more than he would. I will be lucky to earn a quarter of his income.
The house we live in is $60,000 in the hole and neither of us will be able to afford it. He has a 401k that he said he could give me half of or we could consider it a college fund for the girls. I want that to be there for them when they graduate so as long as it is written in our papers, I have no problem with that.
At one point in our marriage I was working 3 part time jobs for a year because he had been laid off and decided to sell cars. I was fortunate enough to be able to count on family for child care. I have no problem working for my girls. With everything else that they will be going through, I do not want finances and us surviving to be added to that.

 

[LdiJ]

My husband earns between $100,000-$120,000 depending on his commissions. We were married right out of high school when we had our first child. I only have a high school education. Before my younger children were born I earned about $12,000. It was part time because he wanted me home when my daughter was out of school. In this kind of economy, I am realistic enough to see I will not be earning more than he would. I will be lucky to earn a quarter of his income.
The house we live in is $60,000 in the hole and neither of us will be able to afford it. He has a 401k that he said he could give me half of or we could consider it a college fund for the girls. I want that to be there for them when they graduate so as long as it is written in our papers, I have no problem with that.
At one point in our marriage I was working 3 part time jobs for a year because he had been laid off and decided to sell cars. I was fortunate enough to be able to count on family for child care. I have no problem working for my girls. With everything else that they will be going through, I do not want finances and us surviving to be added to that.

Take your 1/2 of the 401k and roll it over into an IRA of your own. If you then want it to be used as a college fund later, you can do so. Do not leave all of the money in his control. You never know what might happen in the future.

 

[mistoffolees]

My husband earns between $100,000-$120,000 depending on his commissions. We were married right out of high school when we had our first child. I only have a high school education. Before my younger children were born I earned about $12,000. It was part time because he wanted me home when my daughter was out of school. In this kind of economy, I am realistic enough to see I will not be earning more than he would. I will be lucky to earn a quarter of his income.
The house we live in is $60,000 in the hole and neither of us will be able to afford it. He has a 401k that he said he could give me half of or we could consider it a college fund for the girls. I want that to be there for them when they graduate so as long as it is written in our papers, I have no problem with that.
At one point in our marriage I was working 3 part time jobs for a year because he had been laid off and decided to sell cars. I was fortunate enough to be able to count on family for child care. I have no problem working for my girls. With everything else that they will be going through, I do not want finances and us surviving to be added to that.

Just ignore Bali. He's bitter because the court wouldn't let him throw his ex wife to the curb to starve.

One thing to think about. Most people are retired for a long time (in fact, it's getting to the point that some people are retired for longer than they work. Don't throw away the 401K. Not only will you need that money for retirement, but you will pay a large penalty and taxes if you do so. Take your half of the 401K and roll it into an IRA (do a direct rollover rather than taking the cash and reinvesting it).

The girls may have to work to go to college. Or take out loans. Or ask your stbx to help. Or simply go to a less expensive school. None of that will hurt them in the long run. OTOH, if you've spent all your retirement money to put them through college, you could starve through retirement.

Please follow the advice you've been given and see an attorney.

 

[Bali Hai]

Just ignore Bali. He's bitter because the court wouldn't let him throw his ex wife to the curb to starve.

One thing to think about. Most people are retired for a long time (in fact, it's getting to the point that some people are retired for longer than they work. Don't throw away the 401K. Not only will you need that money for retirement, but you will pay a large penalty and taxes if you do so. Take your half of the 401K and roll it into an IRA (do a direct rollover rather than taking the cash and reinvesting it).

The girls may have to work to go to college. Or take out loans. Or ask your stbx to help. Or simply go to a less expensive school. None of that will hurt them in the long run. OTOH, if you've spent all your retirement money to put them through college, you could starve through retirement.

Please follow the advice you've been given and see an attorney.

Bali is bitter because people like you have stacked the deck with divorce laws that enable anyone to blindside a spouse with divorce and make slaves to pay support to deadbeats instead of paying the support yourselves.

Getting a divorce should be extremely difficult and almost unheard of like it was in the past, unless the state is willing to accept the responsibility for making it easy. That means PAYING for it.

I agree with the rest of your advice.

 

[mistoffolees]

Bali is bitter because people like you have stacked the deck with divorce laws that enable anyone to blindside a spouse with divorce and make slaves to pay support to deadbeats instead of paying the support yourselves.

Getting a divorce should be extremely difficult and almost unheard of like it was in the past, unless the state is willing to accept the responsibility for making it easy. That means PAYING for it.

I agree with the rest of your advice.

If divorce were unheard of, you'd spend the rest of your life supporting your ex and she'd have access to 100% of your money, not just half. That doesn't seem like such a great idea.

And your interpretation of the divorce laws is, of course, incorrect.

 

[Bali Hai]

If divorce were unheard of, you'd spend the rest of your life supporting your ex and she'd have access to 100% of your money, not just half. That doesn't seem like such a great idea.

Yes, and she would spend the rest of her life supporting me. It would be a holdout to see who died first. Access to 100% of my money would be a negotiable item.

And your interpretation of the divorce laws is, of course, incorrect.

I would actually prefer that over some knitwit judge telling me what to do.