getting a divorce after married one year. Wife wants too much

[danielkuhlman]

@mistoffolees I will definitely not be ignoring this. Just need advice on what's good, bad, etc. I've never had a lawyer and have never been to court. Some of the wording is like a foreign language. Have to say... never have felt so ill equipped to handle something in my life. Friends and family throw in random advice like, "get a female lawyer so you don't look sexist", or "you need an expensive lawyer as security". Its hard to piece out the good advice from the bad, hence the posting of this thread.

 

[Proserpina]

@mistoffolees I will definitely not be ignoring this. Just need advice on what's good, bad, etc. I've never had a lawyer and have never been to court. Some of the wording is like a foreign language. Have to say... never have felt so ill equipped to handle something in my life. Friends and family throw in random advice like, "get a female lawyer so you don't look sexist", or "you need an expensive lawyer as security". Its hard to piece out the good advice from the bad, hence the posting of this thread.

The gender of the attorney honestly doesn't matter.

So some basic rules:

1. Never take legal advice from your ex. EVER. And remember that your ex's attorney is NOT looking out for your best interest.

2. If your ex has an attorney, you likely need one, too. Check the Bar Association, Legal Aid, local law schools.

3. If you must go pro se, then you must read. Read, read, read. Learn your court's local rules, the rules of civil procedure, everything. Quite often much of this information is available online.

4. NEVER ignore a court filing. Never ever. If you're going pro se (representing yourself) and you don't understand something or you're confused, then come here - or any legal forum - and ask.

5. Try as much as you can to keep it business-like. Yes, it's emotional, but being overly emotional can sink you. You know that you're going to be divorced - okay, fine. Now it's business.

 

[danielkuhlman]

I will definitely be talking to an attourney tomorrow. Now, as far as court goes, would it help to have someone testify against her? As far as her being unfit to care for my child, her cheating, etc.? Do divorces even work that way? Her best friend and her have had a falling out... 4 or 5 days after my son was born. She was drinking while pregnant and running around with multiple guys prior to our split up. Is any of this even helpful? I've got a few text messages and recorded phone calls proving it, as well.

 

[mistoffolees]

I will definitely be talking to an attourney tomorrow. Now, as far as court goes, would it help to have someone testify against her? As far as her being unfit to care for my child, her cheating, etc.? Do divorces even work that way? Her best friend and her have had a falling out... 4 or 5 days after my son was born. She was drinking while pregnant and running around with multiple guys prior to our split up. Is any of this even helpful? I've got a few text messages and recorded phone calls proving it, as well.

You'll need to learn what's relevant and what isn't. Make sure to spend a lot of time reading this site and other information.

Proving her unfit is extremely difficult. Drinking is not illegal. Running around with other guys is not illegal. The only thing that will affect custody is proof of actual danger to the child. And even then, since it seems like you left the child with her, you've largely thrown away that argument - how can you argue that she's unfit when you voluntarily left the child with her.

What it comes down to is your objectives. Some are simple:
- Child support will be calculated by state guidelines. Whoever is the non-custodial parent will probably be paying the custodial parent child support.
- Alimony is probably a non-issue. The one with the higher income may have to pay a small amount while the divorce is pending, but even that isn't guaranteed
- Property division is regulated by state statute. In every state, your starting point would be to think about 50:50. Some states allow a deviation from that. In addition, if you can show that she squandered marital assets on her boyfriends, you might be able to recover some of that. However, in a 1 year marriage, it's not likely that there are too many marital assets.
- So the big one will be custody of the child and visitation. If the two of you can't agree, the court will determine this based on what's best for the child. The person who has been the primary caretaker will have an advantage.

 

[Isis1]

I will definitely be talking to an attourney tomorrow. Now, as far as court goes, would it help to have someone testify against her? As far as her being unfit to care for my child, her cheating, etc.? Do divorces even work that way? Her best friend and her have had a falling out... 4 or 5 days after my son was born. She was drinking while pregnant and running around with multiple guys prior to our split up. Is any of this even helpful? I've got a few text messages and recorded phone calls proving it, as well.

and you almost had it. it is not illegal to drink while pregnant. it's not advisable. and you made no indictation the baby suffered from FAS. running around does not make her a bad mother. makes her a crappy wife. and running to a friend who is angry at her, really bad form, man. really bad form. kind of gross.

 

[danielkuhlman]

I never had a chance to do anything about it. She won't let me take him regardless of how persistent I am. I've bought everything they've asked for, and more. She says I can't take him because she's breast feeding. So I bought a pump. Still no go. What am I supposed to do? Just take him?

And I didn't run to her best friend, she actually came to me. Said she felt bad for how my wife was treating me (and how she basically wanted revenge for dumb stuff) and told me everything. Showed me some pictures and messages and stuff. I didn't kmow if it'd be advantageous or not.

Is split custody likely? The divorce papers say "visitation for a few hours a week under supervision" and the reasoning, "he's a newborn". Don't really understand the reasoning, I've taken care of infants before. His age doesn't really have anything to do with my ability to take care of him, does it?

 

[Isis1]

I never had a chance to do anything about it. She won't let me take him regardless of how persistent I am. I've bought everything they've asked for, and more. She says I can't take him because she's breast feeding. So I bought a pump. Still no go. What am I supposed to do? Just take him?

And I didn't run to her best friend, she actually came to me. Said she felt bad for how my wife was treating me (and how she basically wanted revenge for dumb stuff) and told me everything. Showed me some pictures and messages and stuff. I didn't kmow if it'd be advantageous or not.

Is split custody likely? The divorce papers say "visitation for a few hours a week under supervision" and the reasoning, "he's a newborn". Don't really understand the reasoning, I've taken care of infants before. His age doesn't really have anything to do with my ability to take care of him, does it?

leave the friend alone. by your own words, she wants revenge. which makes her soiled. what she may be telling you is completely false. and you'll look really bad if it turns out everything she's ever told you was not even halfway true. leave it alone.

as for custody? depends on the climate of the court. rebutt her request for supervision. you want frequent visits. overnights.

 

[Proserpina]

leave the friend alone. by your own words, she wants revenge. which makes her soiled. what she may be telling you is completely false. and you'll look really bad if it turns out everything she's ever told you was not even halfway true. leave it alone.

as for custody? depends on the climate of the court. rebutt her request for supervision. you want frequent visits. overnights.

Newborn? Overnights?

Dad has only seen him 4 times?

Not likely.

 

[danielkuhlman]

Newborn? Overnights?

Dad has only seen him 4 times?

Not likely.

So regardless of how much I've tried to see him, since its only been four times split custody is pretty much out of the question? They're doing this purposely and it'll actually work?

Its not that I haven't tried, they don't really let me. They'll tell me to come when they know I'm at work or at drill. When I ask on my days off, they make up lame excuses as to why I can't see him. I had to mark off "sick" two days to see him. I ask to keep him and I've already explained that. Man, she's so manipulative...

 

[Proserpina]

So regardless of how much I've tried to see him, since its only been four times split custody is pretty much out of the question? They're doing this purposely and it'll actually work?

Its not that I haven't tried, they don't really let me. They'll tell me to come when they know I'm at work or at drill. When I ask on my days off, they make up lame excuses as to why I can't see him. I had to mark off "sick" two days to see him. I ask to keep him and I've already explained that. Man, she's so manipulative...

A 50/50 timeshare is generally not recommended for a newborn.

 

[LdiJ]

Newborn? Overnights?

Dad has only seen him 4 times?

Not likely.

Particularly if dad is deploying in about six months.

Dad, if you had stayed with your wife until after the baby was born, your odds of getting immediate overnight time with him would have been higher.

However, If you also believe that your wife was cheating on you, then it honestly would be in your best interest to request a DNA test through the courts, as part of the divorce, to make sure that he is actually your son.

You really need to hop on things, legally, IMMEDIATELY. The last thing that you want is for this divorce to not be completed before you deploy, and quite frankly, you are short on time. Divorce and child custody cases take a long time, and you barely have the necessary time to get it completed before your deployment.

 

[mistoffolees]

So regardless of how much I've tried to see him, since its only been four times split custody is pretty much out of the question? They're doing this purposely and it'll actually work?

Its not that I haven't tried, they don't really let me. They'll tell me to come when they know I'm at work or at drill. When I ask on my days off, they make up lame excuses as to why I can't see him. I had to mark off "sick" two days to see him. I ask to keep him and I've already explained that. Man, she's so manipulative...

She doesn't have to let you until you get a court order. Respond to her filing for divorce, ask for immediate visitation, and propose a final parenting plan.

I agree that 50:50 isn't likely - at least at present, so be proactive about it. Propose a parenting plan that includes:
- Immediate start of visitation. Short, frequent periods of visitation at first, and then age appropriate visitation as time goes on (look up standard guidelines for your state). Possibly increasing to 50:50 when the child reaches 6 or 8. Note, however, that you may not get 50:50 even when the child is older (some judges won't order it unless both parents agree), but it's worth asking for it. Under any circumstances, you're not going to get 50:50 right away for a newborn, though.

However, If you also believe that your wife was cheating on you, then it honestly would be in your best interest to request a DNA test through the courts, as part of the divorce, to make sure that he is actually your son.

Yep. This really ought to be standard for all births, but when there's a suspicion of infidelity, you'd be crazy not to insist on it (unless you don't mind spending 18 or more years paying to support someone else's kid).

You really need to hop on things, legally, IMMEDIATELY. The last thing that you want is for this divorce to not be completed before you deploy, and quite frankly, you are short on time. Divorce and child custody cases take a long time, and you barely have the necessary time to get it completed before your deployment.

Agreed.

Also, be sure to talk with your attorney about the circumstances. You can ask for a no-paramour clause in your temporary divorce orders. If she's got someone else on the side, ask to be reimbursed for dissipation of marital assets. And so on.

 

[mistoffolees]

@mistoffolees I will definitely not be ignoring this. Just need advice on what's good, bad, etc. I've never had a lawyer and have never been to court. Some of the wording is like a foreign language. Have to say... never have felt so ill equipped to handle something in my life. Friends and family throw in random advice like, "get a female lawyer so you don't look sexist", or "you need an expensive lawyer as security". Its hard to piece out the good advice from the bad, hence the posting of this thread.

My advice on lawyers:

- Sex? Doesn't matter. My attorney was an aggressive, no-nonsense woman. My ex's was a weasely, slimy, mouse. He drove up our costs by doing stupid things all the time. I've seen good and bad attorneys of both sexes.

- Expensive? Don't assume that a more expensive lawyer is better. They may just be more expensive. OTOH, my attorney was a little more expensive than the other one I interviewed, but she was so much more efficient that it cost me less in the long run. First, she had a minimum 10 minute charge rather than 15 which saved some money, but she also got a lot more done per hour than most. OTOH, my ex paid a lower hourly rate for her attorney, but he ended up overcharging her a lot because of the time and money he wasted on stupid things.

In the end, the right attorney for you depends on lots of factors. I thought my attorney was great, but she might not have been right for you. Look for:
- References. Talk to your friends to see if anyone has been through divorce. Get their views on their attorneys.
- Style. You should be comfortable talking with your attorney and their style should be compatible with yours. That doesn't mean the same. If you're a low-key, laid-back kind of person, you may want an aggressive pushy lawyer to balance you. Or maybe not. The key is that you need to be comfortable with them.
- Listening. A good attorney will explain the facts to you, but listen to your situation. Divorce is not a one-size-fits-all game. As one example, I've seen situations where the lower paid person waives alimony even though they might have been able to get it - and had good reasons. In this case, a good attorney will explain to the client the consequences of the decision and give a range of options. A bad attorney will either try to force the person into accepting alimony or will simply accept the client's request for no alimony without question.
- Communication. My business attorney is very talented and gets a lot done, but he doesn't communicate worth a darn. It can take weeks to get a call back (if it's urgent, I have to keep calling until I get through). And I often don't know what's going on with various negotiations. I can live with it for a business attorney because I mostly know what needs to be done and because I know him well enough to trust him. I would not likely accept that for your divorce attorney. Make sure the person has a reputation of communicating well. Some of the better ones will tell you that they always return calls within 24 hours.
- Check your state Bar. If an attorney has lots of complaints against them, stay away.
- Look for awards and accreditations. Mine was a member of the state Family law section of the Bar. That's a plus.

But, in the end, a decent attorney today is better than the world's greatest attorney if you don't hire them for 6 months. Don't stress out on finding the perfect attorney. Having someone on your side quickly is important.

 

[!CuriousGeorge!]

Unfortunately, that is pretty much true. And having low seniority means working second and third with no set days off. Usually I'm off mondays, but that's never for sure. I already have a good babysitter, though. Not that I've been able to actually use her yet.

One more concern... I'm deploying next june. Will/could that affect the judges decision? As far as custody?

Deploy to where? Obamalama is finally pulling out troops back from the conflicts...this may enter into the equation. Unless you can take your child with you.

 

[Ohiogal]

Yeap, that can affect things. It's a big point in Mom's favor (though you will likely retain joint legal custody if you request it). Having physical custody if you're deploying just doesn't make much sense.

Dad, the big thing here is - as misto very wisely counseled - not laying down and playing dead.

If she has an attorney, you need an attorney.

Yes it does. In Ohio they don't penalize someone for being in the military. The court in my last custody case gave dad (who is deployable and set to deploy) joint physical and joint legal custody. So yes it is possible. It happens. And it does make sense.