You always think it happens to 'other people'...

[RemitAdvice]

VA

I'm just going to spell it out best I can:

I received a call today from my best friend's sister. She asked me to watch her sister's two kids overnight so they could go and see the theater premier of some movie at midnight. I can't, it's a week-night, work in the a.m., etc. etc.

I ask why can't my best friend's boyfriend watch them?

She says my friend won't leave the kids alone w/him. And, I quote, 'if they have bruises on them tomorrow, I'm calling CPS myself'

Whoa, whoa, whoa. WHAT? She says yeah, that a year ago, in Oct. He beat up her then 8 year old and left bruises so bad on his face and ear and neck area, that the friend kept him out of school and applied make up to him so that it wouldn't be so bad. She says she has pictures.

Supposedly, CPS WAS called and they told him he couldn't be alone w/the children, 'for a trial period'.

My question is: Knowing this, do I do NOTHING?

She hasn't seen bruises like the ones before, but she suspects, and the Friend calls off plans with her frequently...

So what I'm saying is that I dont KNOW that it's happening. Am I making sense?? These are my god children. I had no idea and I can't believe this is happening. She has said NOTHING to me.

 

[LdiJ]

VA

I'm just going to spell it out best I can:

I received a call today from my best friend's sister. She asked me to watch her sister's two kids overnight so they could go and see the theater premier of some movie at midnight. I can't, it's a week-night, work in the a.m., etc. etc.

I ask why can't my best friend's boyfriend watch them?

She says my friend won't leave the kids alone w/him. And, I quote, 'if they have bruises on them tomorrow, I'm calling CPS myself'

Whoa, whoa, whoa. WHAT? She says yeah, that a year ago, in Oct. He beat up her then 8 year old and left bruises so bad on his face and ear and neck area, that the friend kept him out of school and applied make up to him so that it wouldn't be so bad. She says she has pictures.

Supposedly, CPS WAS called and they told him he couldn't be alone w/the children, 'for a trial period'.

My question is: Knowing this, do I do NOTHING?

She hasn't seen bruises like the ones before, but she suspects, and the Friend calls off plans with her frequently...

So what I'm saying is that I dont KNOW that it's happening. Am I making sense?? These are my god children. I had no idea and I can't believe this is happening. She has said NOTHING to me.

Apparently she is not leaving the children alone with her boyfriend at all. I suppose that is better than nothing, but I sure the heck would not still be with a man who did that to MY child.

She probably hasn't said anything to you because she would be too embarrised to admit that she was still with the guy.

 

[RemitAdvice]

What can I do to help her? What can I do to help THEM??

 

[Hot Topic]

She has to want to help herself and the children first. Right now, the boyfriend is more important.

 

[Just Blue]

What can I do to help her? What can I do to help THEM??

Call the 800# for CPS and tell them what you have stated here.

 

[st-kitts]

What can I do to help her? What can I do to help THEM??

If there is child abuse occurring right now, call CPS. If you learn of child abuse in the future, make the call to CPS. If the report is over a year old however, I personally would not make that call today. Rather, I would advise that you call the National Domestic Violence hotline to describe the situation in detail and get advice from them on things you can do to help. The number is 1-800-799-SAFE.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Things you can say to help her, while still leaving the lines of communication open for future talks, include statements like "I worry about your safety", or "I am concerned for your children" or if she ever does disclose the violence something along the lines of "It will only get worse." Isolation from friends and family is a common abuser tactic, so anything you can do to keep the lines of communication open will help her. There is also a great deal of denial in abusive relationships, especially since the violence is often cyclical with good times (normal times) in between violent episodes that make it easy to pretend the situation will never repeat. You might consider thinking of ways to bring up the subject of violence in relationships in a non judgmental way. If you are willing, you can tell your friend that if she ever needs a place to stay, your door is open to her and her children. You can encourage her to call the DV hotline herself or to speak with a local domestic violence advocate.

While considering what you should say, it is equally important to think about what you should not say if you want to help. Some things that people tend to say that are not helpful include comments like "don't go back to that jerk" and "I don't see why you stay with him" or "I would leave if a man EVER hit me." There is a lot of guilt and shame in an abusive relationship on the part of the victim so anything that intensifies those feelings will tend to silence the victim. To help the victim (your friend) you need those communication lines open.

Keep in mind as you think of how to help that many victims leave and return to their abuser many times before leaving the relationship for good. It is very hard to be friends with someone in an abusive relationship and watch them make bad decisions and return (over and over) to someone that will only hurt them again. A good book to read might be "To be an anchor in a storm" by Susan Brewster. It gives advice to friends / family of someone in an abusive relationship.

Finally, it is important to understand that more homicides occur when a person attempts to leave the violent relationship than any other time. Pay attention if your friend indicates she is fearful of what will happen if she tries to leave.

It is admirable that you want to help your friend. In the end though, the only person that can save her is herself. If she is not able to protect the children, you should step in on their behalf.

Good luck.

 

[RemitAdvice]

If there is child abuse occurring right now, call CPS. If you learn of child abuse in the future, make the call to CPS. If the report is over a year old however, I personally would not make that call today. Rather, I would advise that you call the National Domestic Violence hotline to describe the situation in detail and get advice from them on things you can do to help. The number is 1-800-799-SAFE.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Things you can say to help her, while still leaving the lines of communication open for future talks, include statements like "I worry about your safety", or "I am concerned for your children" or if she ever does disclose the violence something along the lines of "It will only get worse." Isolation from friends and family is a common abuser tactic, so anything you can do to keep the lines of communication open will help her. There is also a great deal of denial in abusive relationships, especially since the violence is often cyclical with good times (normal times) in between violent episodes that make it easy to pretend the situation will never repeat. You might consider thinking of ways to bring up the subject of violence in relationships in a non judgmental way. If you are willing, you can tell your friend that if she ever needs a place to stay, your door is open to her and her children. You can encourage her to call the DV hotline herself or to speak with a local domestic violence advocate.

While considering what you should say, it is equally important to think about what you should not say if you want to help. Some things that people tend to say that are not helpful include comments like "don't go back to that jerk" and "I don't see why you stay with him" or "I would leave if a man EVER hit me." There is a lot of guilt and shame in an abusive relationship on the part of the victim so anything that intensifies those feelings will tend to silence the victim. To help the victim (your friend) you need those communication lines open.

Keep in mind as you think of how to help that many victims leave and return to their abuser many times before leaving the relationship for good. It is very hard to be friends with someone in an abusive relationship and watch them make bad decisions and return (over and over) to someone that will only hurt them again. A good book to read might be "To be an anchor in a storm" by Susan Brewster. It gives advice to friends / family of someone in an abusive relationship.

Finally, it is important to understand that more homicides occur when a person attempts to leave the violent relationship than any other time. Pay attention if your friend indicates she is fearful of what will happen if she tries to leave.

It is admirable that you want to help your friend. In the end though, the only person that can save her is herself. If she is not able to protect the children, you should step in on their behalf.

Good luck.

Thank you. So much. Everything you have described is occurring. The dr. jykll/mr. hyde syndrome...The alienation from her family. Her reluctance to discuss it with me...EVERYTHING.

She had left once, and returned...I always wondered why and she wouldn't go into details and I didn't push. As close as we are, everyone deserves privacy.

I have said bad things about her guy. I don't allow him over to my house because he behaves and speaks BADLY infront of MY children (who are young) and I don't want that around them. She even agrees...and still allows it.

I just don't understand.

But thank you again. I will get the book and spend time reading it.

 

[Hot Topic]

Thank you. So much. Everything you have described is occurring. The dr. jykll/mr. hyde syndrome...The alienation from her family. Her reluctance to discuss it with me...EVERYTHING.

She had left once, and returned...I always wondered why and she wouldn't go into details and I didn't push. As close as we are, everyone deserves privacy.

I have said bad things about her guy. I don't allow him over to my house because he behaves and speaks BADLY infront of MY children (who are young) and I don't want that around them. She even agrees...and still allows it.

I just don't understand.

But thank you again. I will get the book and spend time reading it.

You write, "I have said bad things about HER GUY." Sounds like you feel a tinge of regret for not allowing him to come to your house, while at the same time, you don't understand her allowing the same kind of behavior.

You didn't want to invade her privacy. Obviously, sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn't.