Wife is having an affair and I am getting screwed

[Kevin67]

Wife is having affair and I am getting screwed
I live in Pa. My wife of 8 years has been having an affair for the past 1 year. We have two children 6 and 3. I have provided well for my family, nice house, car, pool, etc. My income allowed her to be a stay at home mom while I worked 12 hour days. She decided to start tending bar a year ago, which by the way she is paid under the table for her hourly wage and her tips. Unfortunately this is where she met her "boyfriend" who flips burgers twice a week, has no job, pays no child support to his own children, lives in an apartment under a pizza joint basiclly a real loser. We have had a great marriage, no arguments, great sex, never thought she would do this. She stays out all night and comes home just in time in the morning so I can go to work and she can take care of children. Weekends she is gone from Friday night to Monday morning. I am about to lose everything and she will not be accountable for nothing. My kids mean the world to me and they never want to be with her, but my lawyer says the law will side with the mother. I have to sell my house because she is moving back to Maryland, pay 76% of child care, give her half of my 401 K, half of the money when we sell the house, (which by the way I used my own money that I saved before meeting her as the down payment). I just am at my witts end and dont see how the law is fair when I did nothing wrong. I think they should reform divorce law instead of health care. I am 45 and going to be sunk into poverty because she is and adulterous. HELP

 

[Antigone*]

Wife is having affair and I am getting screwed
I live in Pa. My wife of 8 years has been having an affair for the past 1 year. We have two children 6 and 3. I have provided well for my family, nice house, car, pool, etc. My income allowed her to be a stay at home mom while I worked 12 hour days. She decided to start tending bar a year ago, which by the way she is paid under the table for her hourly wage and her tips. Unfortunately this is where she met her "boyfriend" who flips burgers twice a week, has no job, pays no child support to his own children, lives in an apartment under a pizza joint basiclly a real loser. We have had a great marriage, no arguments, great sex, never thought she would do this. She stays out all night and comes home just in time in the morning so I can go to work and she can take care of children. Weekends she is gone from Friday night to Monday morning. I am about to lose everything and she will not be accountable for nothing. My kids mean the world to me and they never want to be with her, but my lawyer says the law will side with the mother. I have to sell my house because she is moving back to Maryland, pay 76% of child care, give her half of my 401 K, half of the money when we sell the house, (which by the way I used my own money that I saved before meeting her as the down payment). I just am at my witts end and dont see how the law is fair when I did nothing wrong. I think they should reform divorce law instead of health care. I am 45 and going to be sunk into poverty because she is and adulterous. HELP

I suggest you get a consult for another attorney. It is not written in stone that the children have to move with mom.

 

[ecmst12]

See now you have all that advice in your other thread that no one is going to be able to find:

https://forum.freeadvice.com/divorce-separation-annulment-36/wife-having-affair-i-am-getting-screwed-567121.html

Make sure you read everything there carefully. And don't attack people who are trying to help you.

 

[Just Blue]

See now you have all that advice in your other thread that no one is going to be able to find:

https://forum.freeadvice.com/divorce-separation-annulment-36/wife-having-affair-i-am-getting-screwed-567121.html

Make sure you read everything there carefully. And don't attack people who are trying to help you.

To be fair to OP, I "asked" him to use his own user name.

 

[ecmst12]

Yeah but it probably wasn't necessary to start a new thread. Too late now!

 

[Just Blue]

Yeah but it probably wasn't necessary to start a new thread. Too late now!

Perhaps...But he did. He can use the advice off both threads.

 

[Kevin67]

I suggest you get a consult for another attorney. It is not written in stone that the children have to move with mom.

My attorney suggested that I sell the house, which I put down $65,000 of my money earned outside of our marriage, we only owe $105,000. But real estate is not very good in our area. I am thinking of listing the house for $120,000 ( it is well worth more) just to get it sold. I will not be able to afford mortgage, and rent a place at the same time.

I was told that she must give me 60 day written notice of her intent to move out of state and take children out of school district. My lawyer suggested that I find an apartment next to where ever she is moving so I am close to children. I am also responsible for 78% of the child care. She will get 65% of the assets, and I get 78% of the bills. Where is this a fair divide. She has a college education but is refusing to look for work other than working at that bar on weekends, for under the table money. She has no W2 at the end of the year. SO so frustrating.

 

[tuffbrk]

You need to push your attorney on the topic of income. Otherwise, you might get ordered to pay alimony for some period of time. It is important that the courts are aware that she has a college degree, however she needs to have some work experience as well. Your attorney can check to see the generally paid income for a position that she is qualified for over and above the bar tending job.

As for the job she currently has under the table, you need to have a PI document her hours and her working there. This way they will at least impute her with minimum wage. The PI can also doucment her hours away from home on Thurs-Sunday to prove that you are the current primary care taker and are responsible for the children for overnights. Frankly, if she has a night job, it will be difficult for her to obtain sitting services while she is working. It was her choice to obtain a night job and abdicate responsibility for the children to you - so you are not asking the courts to create a "change" in their routine. In fact, your stbx created a change that is being adjusted to already. An additional change may be detrimental to the children. So push the attorney to ask for primary custody, for your stbx to be mandated to cover child care for the youngest and before and after care for the school age children and to pay CS.

Do NOT just roll over and agree to the "norm." PA does take into account adultery for calculating alimony, however it is not given much weight. Thus, it is up to you to hire a PI to document what is going on, it is up to you to insist that your attorney represent you in the most favorable light that they can. At the end fo the day? It is your children that you need to do this for - her sleeping with a lil one having run of the house is potentially dangerous. Where you may run amok is if you have been withholding funds and she can claim that she had to go work and took the first thing that came along.

But again - FIGHT. Insist that your attorney fight. Whether you win or lose - who knows. But at least you will know that you tried and won't have to deal with regrets in the future. Nothing worse than being haunted by coulda, shoulda, wouldas on top of everything else.

Good luck.

 

[mistoffolees]

My attorney suggested that I sell the house, which I put down $65,000 of my money earned outside of our marriage, we only owe $105,000. But real estate is not very good in our area. I am thinking of listing the house for $120,000 ( it is well worth more) just to get it sold. I will not be able to afford mortgage, and rent a place at the same time.

You really need a new attorney. If you sell the house for a lot less than it's worth, you can be made to reimburse your stbx for the difference. That's a REALLY bad idea. Now, selling it at an attractive price to get it sold quickly is one thing. But dumping it for far below market value is another thing entirely. You need an appraisal to see what it's worth and I would definitely offer to keep the house and pay her 1/2 of her share of the equity. Since you put down $65 K of non-marital money, you should be able to make the case that you owe her nothing on the house.

If you can get a good deal, living in the house may not be any more expensive than renting a place.

I was told that she must give me 60 day written notice of her intent to move out of state and take children out of school district. My lawyer suggested that I find an apartment next to where ever she is moving so I am close to children. I am also responsible for 78% of the child care. She will get 65% of the assets, and I get 78% of the bills. Where is this a fair divide. She has a college education but is refusing to look for work other than working at that bar on weekends, for under the table money. She has no W2 at the end of the year. SO so frustrating.

Who say's your responsible for 78% of the child care and that she gets 65% of the assets? It sounded to me like you still didn't have a final deal. If you don't have a final deal, I would be fighting that like crazy - and you need a new attorney. She should get less than 50% of the assets (since you brought $65 K into the marriage). And whether she is willing to work or not, you should be able to get the judge to impute an income to her. And possibly turn her and the bar in to the IRS.

And I would not roll over on the custody thing. With you having the kids on weekends and after 6 pm during the week, you have a very plausible case for obtaining custody - especially since she wants to move out of state.

Please see and follow my advice in the other thread.

 

[LdiJ]

My attorney suggested that I sell the house, which I put down $65,000 of my money earned outside of our marriage, we only owe $105,000. But real estate is not very good in our area. I am thinking of listing the house for $120,000 ( it is well worth more) just to get it sold. I will not be able to afford mortgage, and rent a place at the same time.

I was told that she must give me 60 day written notice of her intent to move out of state and take children out of school district. My lawyer suggested that I find an apartment next to where ever she is moving so I am close to children. I am also responsible for 78% of the child care. She will get 65% of the assets, and I get 78% of the bills. Where is this a fair divide. She has a college education but is refusing to look for work other than working at that bar on weekends, for under the table money. She has no W2 at the end of the year. SO so frustrating.

This is confusing...

What is your attorney's reasoning behind telling you that she is going to get 65% of the assets? That simply makes no sense unless what you term as assets is different than the real meaning of the word.

Same thing with the 78% of the bills. Now, if you mean that you are held responsible for 78% of the children's support and expenses, then that would make sense based on your state's child support calculation...but that is not 78% of the "bills".

 

[mistoffolees]

This is confusing...

What is your attorney's reasoning behind telling you that she is going to get 65% of the assets? That simply makes no sense unless what you term as assets is different than the real meaning of the word.

Same thing with the 78% of the bills. Now, if you mean that you are held responsible for 78% of the children's support and expenses, then that would make sense based on your state's child support calculation...but that is not 78% of the "bills".

I'm still waiting for OP to explain where those numbers came from. He was talking like there was no final order, but throwing those numbers out sounds like there might be a final order. Obviously, his options depend greatly on where they are in the process.

 

[startedone]

The whole judicial system needs a scrubbing. Its only designed to make lawyers money. Its pretty disgusting. Most lawyers are lazy lazy people..they never file stuff on time & the law allows cases to go on and on and on without end. Why? So lawyers can rack up their bills.

 

[Proserpina]

The whole judicial system needs a scrubbing. Its only designed to make lawyers money. Its pretty disgusting. Most lawyers are lazy lazy people..they never file stuff on time & the law allows cases to go on and on and on without end. Why? So lawyers can rack up their bills.

 

[Kevin67]

I'm still waiting for OP to explain where those numbers came from. He was talking like there was no final order, but throwing those numbers out sounds like there might be a final order. Obviously, his options depend greatly on where they are in the process.

Sorry it is very diffucult to find time on the weekends to respond. The numbers were calculated by my attorney based on my income and her "non income". There is nothing finalized because I can not get my wife to talk about anything. I truly feel like I am up against a brick wall and all I want is for my children to be in a safe and secure environment. I really do not want to sell and move to another state away from my support system "my family", but I feel like I have no other options. The system does need to be revamped. My attorney told me that the judge in the area we live will definately side with the mother regardless of her reckless behavior. I really am concerned about who will be watching the children while she is working at the bar at night. My children are everything to me and I am trying to work out something to where I may be able to get full custody of them. My ex used to work as a financial analyst for a bank, so she does have work experience. This is such a sad and dissapointing moment in my life and my childrens.

 

[Kevin67]

I would like to thank everyone for their honest opinion and knowledge. I dont mean to sound like I am whiny, but this is a very difficult time and knowing that there are different opinions is very encouraging to me. I will fight for what is right for my children...They are the ones that matter.