Full Legal Custody

[stealth2]

Stop. Just... stop. Let this go for the weekend and enjoy the holiday with your child. Let your mind release this for now. Come back to it when you're refreshed. But right now? Stop.

 

[breezymom]

Thanks, everyone. I got good feedback from my lawyer, as well. I have pushed Thanksgiving out of my mind and started new, again.

She said offer to switch the regularly scheduled visitation from that Monday/Tuesday to 2 PM Christmas until 6 PM that following Monday to eliminate the back and forth. Very fair for all, especially the kiddo and no rush rush for anyone.

She said the 15/15/15 for the social worker appointment is very fair and an excellent choice on the one with whom we are going to see.

Lawyer also said to stick to the plan we've been using for the visit exchanges while the program we use is closed and I am working.

I am hoping that we can get on some kind of civil communication track so that, like most normal couples I know around here, we can plan out the year, as far as holidays go and stick to it as much as possible, except for, of course, if something comes up on either end. If we can plan, things can be a bit more flexible, than last minute stuff.

 

[breezymom]

Ok...another question...

I am heeding the advice, as you will see from the following conversation. I am posting this then putting my question after it, so that it is in context:




Dad:
I am going to have to call off visit with (our child) on Monday..Have a very important hearing on custody of (older child) Monday at 9:00 A.M. in (another town).Any chance of getting (our child) on Sat from 9:00 A.M.-3:00P.M ? (Older child) keeps asking about (our child).sorry for the short notice...just court notice and time late this afternoon.

Mom:
That's fine.

Dad:
thank you....PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR (Older child's name)

Mom:
Will you be picking her up here and dropping her off here?

Dad:
WHAT EVER YOU WANT

Mom:
That is fine. I will have her ready for you at 9. See you Saturday, then.

Dad:
COOL




Now, I am trying to NOT allow myself to think this way, since this is what he wants, but I have to ask, since if he "wins" one, he will go full-tilt going for full custody of ours, too: How much will it affect our case, if he gets custody of his older child and tries to go for custody of ours? I know they are two separate cases in two separate counties, however, I can't help being a bit nervous.

 

[mistoffolees]

Ok...another question...

I am heeding the advice, as you will see from the following conversation. I am posting this then putting my question after it, so that it is in context:




Dad:
I am going to have to call off visit with (our child) on Monday..Have a very important hearing on custody of (older child) Monday at 9:00 A.M. in (another town).Any chance of getting (our child) on Sat from 9:00 A.M.-3:00P.M ? (Older child) keeps asking about (our child).sorry for the short notice...just court notice and time late this afternoon.

Mom:
That's fine.

Dad:
thank you....PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR (Older child's name)

Mom:
Will you be picking her up here and dropping her off here?

Dad:
WHAT EVER YOU WANT

Mom:
That is fine. I will have her ready for you at 9. See you Saturday, then.

Dad:
COOL

You see - everything doesn't have to be a battle. You will find that the more you stop fighting over stupid things, the less conflict there is.

Now, I am trying to NOT allow myself to think this way, since this is what he wants, but I have to ask, since if he "wins" one, he will go full-tilt going for full custody of ours, too: How much will it affect our case, if he gets custody of his older child and tries to go for custody of ours? I know they are two separate cases in two separate counties, however, I can't help being a bit nervous.

Completely unrelated. Having full custody of a different child has no bearing on the custody of your child.

 

[breezymom]

Thanks, misto. I will try anything if it will make things less stressful for everyone. It will, most likely, only last until he gets frustrated, again, that I am ignoring that stuff, but when the time comes, I will just wait as long as I need before responding, so that I can sort out what is relevant from what is irrelevant, and what I need to answer from what I don't need to answer.

I think I am going to use that time she will be there on Saturday to go visit a good friend of mine, to avoid reading the facebook crap, so that I am fresh when she gets home. Usually we have her gymnastics class on Saturday, but perhaps we will change that to Friday night, so she doesn't get all antsy about it. That's kind of our "super special" mommy/kiddo time and it should offset the routine change quite a bit, which will be beneficial to everyone, especially to her Daddy/kiddo time on Saturday

 

[breezymom]

Going to try and get a response from my lawyer, too, but in the blasted interest of time (and I guess I can let this sit for a few but I don't want toProposed the Christmas idea to him...and reminded him she will be there all Christmas Eve "Day" and most of Christmas Day next year...

I used that to introduce the idea of alternating like most parents do. Here is his response:



I SOUNDS GOOD..BUT I HAVE TO BALANCE TWO DAUGHTERS..I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PUT THIS IN CEMENT YEAR AFTER YEAR.I SURE WISH I COULD. I CALLED (MY therapist--post hx) OFFICE ON NOV 23RD HERE IT IS FRI DEC 2 AND SHE HAS FAILED TO RETURN MY CALL...I AM NOT SURPRISED.
I should not of been left in the dark over a two year period with joint custody



(The last statement having to do with me not telling him I was seeing the same therapist I was seeing when I was with him...per posting hx, MY therapist is NOT the child's therapist, but occasionally I take her PURELY for co-parenting ideas, only)

So, my question *now* is this: Do I just tell him: Sounds good for this year. Maybe we can work toward working out things in the future and just look at things one week at a time.

Thoughts?

 

[CSO286]

Going to try and get a response from my lawyer, too, but in the blasted interest of time (and I guess I can let this sit for a few but I don't want toProposed the Christmas idea to him...and reminded him she will be there all Christmas Eve "Day" and most of Christmas Day next year...

I used that to introduce the idea of alternating like most parents do. Here is his response:



I SOUNDS GOOD..BUT I HAVE TO BALANCE TWO DAUGHTERS..I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PUT THIS IN CEMENT YEAR AFTER YEAR.I SURE WISH I COULD. I CALLED (MY therapist--post hx) OFFICE ON NOV 23RD HERE IT IS FRI DEC 2 AND SHE HAS FAILED TO RETURN MY CALL...I AM NOT SURPRISED.

He's going to have to learn to juggle both girls, and both court orders. If a custody order is in place for the older child ( who I an going to call Sally), then if it's not scarily unreasonable, why not adopt the same or similar for your mutual child (who I an going to call Susie) ? That way, he would be able to celebrate at least some his holidays with both girls.....

Just a thought.

 

[breezymom]

Different counties, CSO. I have NO idea what his current court order says for the older child. If they were to adopt the same schedule, our child would be there FAR less because that county hasn't allowed that child to stay over night, even though she is now almost 5.

The overnights were ordered here when our child was 10 months old.

The other order also (it still seems this way with all the last minute changes on holidays and such) was similar to ours in that it said holidays were "as agreed upon by both parties."

He never initiates and asks for anything, so both of us have to initiate (and we both do) contact and propose or ask him what he would like.

 

[breezymom]

He's going to have to learn to juggle both girls, and both court orders.
Just a thought.

BTW...That's exactly the way I looked at it, too, when I read it. On my end, it's up to me to ensure what's best for our daughter. I am not a legal party to his other daughter's case. I have no business contributing to anything about it. It's his responsibility to sort things out with that child's mother. All I knew was that jumping all over the place for between 3-4 days, was not in our 2 year old's best interest, especially with an already busy holiday. The good thing is, he agreed the schedule proposed was fair. That's great for everyone.


I am guessing, even with the confusion in court (and him STILL having it in his head that my therapist is the child's therapist, despite being told three times now, twice by me and one in court by my lawyer clarifying), that I should just still consider the rest to be irrelevant and plain not respond to it.


In fact, the arrangements have been made, so perhaps I should just NOT respond to anything else.

 

[CSO286]

Different counties, CSO. I have NO idea what his current court order says for the older child. If they were to adopt the same schedule, our child would be there FAR less because that county hasn't allowed that child to stay over night, even though she is now almost 5.

The overnights were ordered here when our child was 10 months old.

The other order also (it still seems this way with all the last minute changes on holidays and such) was similar to ours in that it said holidays were "as agreed upon by both parties."

He never initiates and asks for anything, so both of us have to initiate (and we both do) contact and propose or ask him what he would like.

This is why you need to communicate.

I'm not saying you have to adopt the same schedule for everything (overnights, etc.), just consider putting the holiday rotation on the same one. If his order for Sally states he gets her for the Christmas holiday in even years and Mom in odd, then why not put the utilize the same rotation in your order?


ETA: Sorry, I missed the "as agreed." In that case, request that your order be "set in stone." He wants to have both girls for his holidays, then he needs to take action with Sally mom, either communicating OR court action to see that it happens. He's going to have put on his boy boy boxers and learn how to be a Dad with kids in different homes....

 

[breezymom]

This is why you need to communicate.

I'm not saying you have to adopt the same schedule for everything (overnights, etc.), just consider putting the holiday rotation on the same one. If his order for Sally states he gets her for the Christmas holiday in even years and Mom in odd, then why not put the utilize the same rotation in your order?


ETA: Sorry, I missed the "as agreed." In that case, request that your order be "set in stone." He wants to have both girls for his holidays, then he needs to take action with Sally mom, either communicating OR court action to see that it happens. He's going to have put on his boy boy boxers and learn how to be a Dad with kids in different homes....

Gotcha on the first sentence. Quite honestly, I am not sure that their current visitation schedule agreement is in their court order. They just changed the day, due to the child starting school.

As for the ETA, that is where I am working towards. I want to let this last hearing settle a bit, first, and see how he acts once this hearing for his other child is done. Knowing him, either way, he will act worse: either sneaky if it goes well or re-start the temper tantrum phase if it goes badly.

The problem is, concerning his big boy boxers, he has said even before our split that he is NEVER going to change his behavior. He is also nearing 50, so at this point, I'm not sure, especially with that attitude, that it isn't ingrained within him, now, anyway.

The only thing that can happen is I can change MY behavior (which I am continually trying to do) and adapt as best as possible to the situations that arise.

He, however, is entitled to everyone else, the court, included, giving him everything he wants, when he wants it. That is where the communication issues stem from. I am trying to learn how I can adapt to things (like outright ignoring any and all irrelevant information), in order to make our daughter's experience the best for her and to facilitate a relationship with her father.

 

[CSO286]

Gotcha on the first sentence. Quite honestly, I am not sure that their current visitation schedule agreement is in their court order. They just changed the day, due to the child starting school.

As for the ETA, that is where I am working towards. I want to let this last hearing settle a bit, first, and see how he acts once this hearing for his other child is done. Knowing him, either way, he will act worse: either sneaky if it goes well or re-start the temper tantrum phase if it goes badly.

The problem is, concerning his big boy boxers, he has said even before our split that he is NEVER going to change his behavior. He is also nearing 50, so at this point, I'm not sure, especially with that attitude, that it isn't ingrained within him, now, anyway.

The only thing that can happen is I can change MY behavior (which I am continually trying to do) and adapt as best as possible to the situations that arise.

He, however, is entitled to everyone else, the court, included, giving him everything he wants, when he wants it. That is where the communication issues stem from. I am trying to learn how I can adapt to things (like outright ignoring any and all irrelevant information), in order to make our daughter's experience the best for her and to facilitate a relationship with her father.

My reaction would be the communicaiton tools that have already been suggested, and a well thought out and highly detailed court order that spells out when where and how exchanges are to occur as well as what communications methods are to be employed (email, phone, face to face, etc.)

Learn the value of Misto's non-committal response. "Uh-huh, gotcha, thanks for letting me know" acknowleges what's said without necesarily agreeing or or being confrontational.

True, you cannot control his behavior and actions, but a well executed court order also outlines what can and cannot be done.....

 

[breezymom]

I think I'm getting the hang of the non-committals, aside from where I have to be specific, thanks to Misto.

I completely agree that we need a court order that spells out everything. It already spells out where exchanges are done, except on days where the no-contact exchange program is not open. I will get that fixed.

I just don't want to piss off the judge that we can't handle it among ourselves, which is why I am trying to give it awhile, since we were literally JUST in court. Maybe it is something I can bring up (my DV advocate was also suggesting this) when we have our "Family Meeting," that CPS is organizing. That way, as well, it will be introduced into a setting that is provided to work out these communication issues, already.

The only problem I can see, is he is excused from following the court order, so, to go back to the non-committals, perhaps when we get things specifically outlined within the court order and he does what he has already done, and tries to bully me into going against it, instead of telling him, "It's a court order. If you want it changed, then go fill out the proper paperwork, please, because I will not agree to go against what is ordered," maybe I will just stick to whatever non-committal response is appropriate, including not responding at all, if it's not relevant.

 

[breezymom]

He took her...38 minutes ago...she had a not so wonderful morning of separation anxiety (rarely happens).

There was NO stress, whatsoever on the hand off. She just screamed. He got defensive, I said it's normal sometimes. She's 2. She will be fine.

He just called from home with both kids there in the background, and started going on about the night terrors and this morning and (the good thing, but not for the right reason, obviously) said she had calmed down before they got there. I said, "That's what I told you." He went on, again about the night terrors, interrogating me, yet again about them, then insisting that we go see a doctor (now you all know I have plans for that, but one thing at a time and we can't get in there until January, so that was the third thing on my list to ask him when he had the time).

I basically was just yes, uh huhing the entire time, and I see. He got frustrated and ended the conversation in a huff.

Should I, since I couldn't be heard, just have said, "It's not the time, now, to discuss this," since it is his parenting time with her? Or should I have just done what I did?

I went into this morning with a clear head, not stressed, since we are communicating...better, for a lack of a better word... So, nothing emotional wise could have been transferred to the child on my end.

I even just said, "uh-huh," "okay," "that's fine," when he rambled on about that he was saying he may call me later because he had to take her sister to the police barracks up in the other county for some reason, since, I guess he meant that he may have to drop our child off early.

 

[breezymom]

btw...he may have found this thread. He said something about me posting on the internet about the night terrors. Not that I think there is anything horrible that I've done on here or said on here and everything is nameless