Advice/suggestions? Other parent talking smack

[DecisionTime]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

**Long time reader, don't post much. I know this comes up frequently but I'm searching for some strategies from the parenting perspective rather than legal. I appreciate any suggestions.**

I have joint legal, primary physical custody of 5 yr old. Time share is about 70/30. Kiddo has just started relaying back to me things the other parent is saying - that I don't love kiddo as much as my job, that the divorce was my fault, that I broke the family, etc. I remain neutral and tell kiddo that I love her very much, we both do, and that divorce is a grown up problem and not her fault.

I am not really looking for legal recourse as I know there isn't anything to be done, but what effective things others have said to their kids in similar situations? I have never and would never badmouth the other parent in front of kiddo, I actively encourage the relationship.

I'm just feeling so sad and stymied for kiddo. I am not sure how to respond without getting into a he said/she said which isn't fair. Other parent denies that this behavior is damaging and says it's just "telling the truth". Therapist (mine) says it is incredibly damaging to kiddo. I know I can't stop it happening, but how do I mitigate the effect?

 

[mistoffolees]

More often than not, just ignore it. If the child brings it up, say "that's not the entire story" or something noncommittal and let it go.

 

[AkersTile]

You could also tell kiddo that s/he can tell anyone if the things they are saying are making him/her uncomfortable. Sometimes that makes the other parent stop more than anything adults could say.

 

[mistoffolees]

You could also tell kiddo that s/he can tell anyone if the things they are saying are making him/her uncomfortable. Sometimes that makes the other parent stop more than anything adults could say.

Yes, but use this carefully. Depending on how the other parent takes it, it could escalate the problem.

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

**Long time reader, don't post much. I know this comes up frequently but I'm searching for some strategies from the parenting perspective rather than legal. I appreciate any suggestions.**

I have joint legal, primary physical custody of 5 yr old. Time share is about 70/30. Kiddo has just started relaying back to me things the other parent is saying - that I don't love kiddo as much as my job, that the divorce was my fault, that I broke the family, etc. I remain neutral and tell kiddo that I love her very much, we both do, and that divorce is a grown up problem and not her fault.

I am not really looking for legal recourse as I know there isn't anything to be done, but what effective things others have said to their kids in similar situations? I have never and would never badmouth the other parent in front of kiddo, I actively encourage the relationship.

I'm just feeling so sad and stymied for kiddo. I am not sure how to respond without getting into a he said/she said which isn't fair. Other parent denies that this behavior is damaging and says it's just "telling the truth". Therapist (mine) says it is incredibly damaging to kiddo. I know I can't stop it happening, but how do I mitigate the effect?

I would just keep doing what you are doing. Reassure kiddo that you love her and that what happened between mom and dad had nothing to do with her.

 

[AkersTile]

Yes, but use this carefully. Depending on how the other parent takes it, it could escalate the problem.

I should have elaborated more. Sorry Misto

Other Parent: You're Mom/Dad does this, that, and the other thing. All of this is Mom/Dad's fault.

Kiddo: It hurts my feelings when you talk bad about Mommy/Daddy. I love you both. Can you please not say that kid of stuff to me?

Other Parent: But it's the truth and you should know it.

Kiddo: It still hurts my feelings and I want to spend my time with you being happy, not being mad at Mommy/Daddy.

Or something along those lines.

 

[TheGeekess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

**Long time reader, don't post much. I know this comes up frequently but I'm searching for some strategies from the parenting perspective rather than legal. I appreciate any suggestions.**

I have joint legal, primary physical custody of 5 yr old. Time share is about 70/30. Kiddo has just started relaying back to me things the other parent is saying - that I don't love kiddo as much as my job, that the divorce was my fault, that I broke the family, etc. I remain neutral and tell kiddo that I love her very much, we both do, and that divorce is a grown up problem and not her fault.

I am not really looking for legal recourse as I know there isn't anything to be done, but what effective things others have said to their kids in similar situations? I have never and would never badmouth the other parent in front of kiddo, I actively encourage the relationship.

I'm just feeling so sad and stymied for kiddo. I am not sure how to respond without getting into a he said/she said which isn't fair. Other parent denies that this behavior is damaging and says it's just "telling the truth". Therapist (mine) says it is incredibly damaging to kiddo. I know I can't stop it happening, but how do I mitigate the effect?

Therapy for the child.

 

[mistoffolees]

I should have elaborated more. Sorry Misto

Other Parent: You're Mom/Dad does this, that, and the other thing. All of this is Mom/Dad's fault.

Kiddo: It hurts my feelings when you talk bad about Mommy/Daddy. I love you both. Can you please not say that kid of stuff to me?

Other Parent: But it's the truth and you should know it.

Kiddo: It still hurts my feelings and I want to spend my time with you being happy, not being mad at Mommy/Daddy.

Or something along those lines.

My point is that some parents will take ANY response like that negatively:

Kiddo: It hurts my feelings when you talk bad about Mommy/Daddy. I love you both. Can you please not say that kid of stuff to me?

Dad: Did your Mother put you up to that? How dare she tell you to talk back to me.

It's one of those things that's probably a good idea in principle, but there are times when it will backfire, so OP has to use his/her judgment to make sure it's not going to be misinterpreted.

 

[AkersTile]

My point is that some parents will take ANY response like that negatively:

Kiddo: It hurts my feelings when you talk bad about Mommy/Daddy. I love you both. Can you please not say that kid of stuff to me?

Dad: Did your Mother put you up to that? How dare she tell you to talk back to me.

It's one of those things that's probably a good idea in principle, but there are times when it will backfire, so OP has to use his/her judgment to make sure it's not going to be misinterpreted.

Ahh... I get it. A little slow on the uptake. LOL

 

[ecmst12]

This kid is only 5, may be a little young for that kind of strategy. Therapy is probably a better option for now.

 

[stealth2]

When my kids were little and came home with stories from Dad, I took the following tack...

"Ya know when the two of you argue? Or you and a friend have a fight? If I asked each of you to tell me what happened, you'd probably tell me something kind of alike, but also kind of different. Because you both see it from your own place. Neither of you are lying, but that doesn't make it the whole truth, either. #1, you have your way of seeing what happened, and #2, you have your way. The truth of it is somewhere in between. It's kind of like that with me and Dad. We see the same thing in different ways. But one thing we both see the same way is how special you both are, and how much we both love the two of you."

and/or

"Sometimes people say things they don't completely mean when they're angry. Dad and I are still trying to sort things out, so sometimes we say stuff we don't mean because we're still mad at each other and hurt about how things turned out."

 

[DownTime]

This kid is only 5, may be a little young for that kind of strategy. Therapy is probably a better option for now.

Having someone with no involvement or bias in the situation for the child to talk to at their leisure is excellent advice. At any age, really.

 

[LdiJ]

When my kids were little and came home with stories from Dad, I took the following tack...

"Ya know when the two of you argue? Or you and a friend have a fight? If I asked each of you to tell me what happened, you'd probably tell me something kind of alike, but also kind of different. Because you both see it from your own place. Neither of you are lying, but that doesn't make it the whole truth, either. #1, you have your way of seeing what happened, and #2, you have your way. The truth of it is somewhere in between. It's kind of like that with me and Dad. We see the same thing in different ways. But one thing we both see the same way is how special you both are, and how much we both love the two of you."

and/or

"Sometimes people say things they don't completely mean when they're angry. Dad and I are still trying to sort things out, so sometimes we say stuff we don't mean because we're still mad at each other and hurt about how things turned out."

That is exceptionally good advice Stealth...it may need a tiny bit of modification for a 5 year old, but spot on.

 

[AkersTile]

When my kids were little and came home with stories from Dad, I took the following tack...

"Ya know when the two of you argue? Or you and a friend have a fight? If I asked each of you to tell me what happened, you'd probably tell me something kind of alike, but also kind of different. Because you both see it from your own place. Neither of you are lying, but that doesn't make it the whole truth, either. #1, you have your way of seeing what happened, and #2, you have your way. The truth of it is somewhere in between. It's kind of like that with me and Dad. We see the same thing in different ways. But one thing we both see the same way is how special you both are, and how much we both love the two of you."

and/or

"Sometimes people say things they don't completely mean when they're angry. Dad and I are still trying to sort things out, so sometimes we say stuff we don't mean because we're still mad at each other and hurt about how things turned out."

Definitely go with this over what I posted. I love how Stealth worded it and everything.

 

[stealth2]

To add... My two tried the "It hurts my feelings..." deal with their Dad. For several years. Didn't work. So they developed their own strategy. They either tuned out with a book or music, or they left the room after telling him that they weren't going to listen to the badmouthing.

Note: You should make sure that they have no cause to turn around and say that you have been doing the same as the other parent. I know that you may slip - we all do on occasion - but then you should immediately apologize and let them know that you were in the wrong. (This also helps them learn that it's okay to mess up - just don't try to hide it.)