Nexie that is PURELY your personal opinion on how things should be. It has no basis in legalities at all.
MY purely personal opinion is that I would prefer to have the 401k intact, and would NOT dip into it for anything, and would prefer to start over with buying housing...particularly since one can get such good deals these days on homes. That is what I think is the most fiscally responsible thing to do.
However, a judge is going to rule on a fair division of assets. And the judge will base it on his/her own opinion, not yours and not mine. In this instance the wife is willing to take assets of considerably lower value than the 401k. She has a decent shot at convincing a judge to give her that.
OP has admitted that mostly its an emotional issue with him. He is going to spend a ton of money on legal fees for a contested divorce if he insists.