Alimony and breadwinning wife

[Bali Hai]

My heart goes out to you. It is so much easier for some of us to try to be the little red hen and do it all ourselves than it is to get anyone else to do what they "should" do when they won't.

But the point is that you're going to have to quit supporting your children. They're the logical ones who are going to have to change their behaviors and standards, and the law does NOT expect you to continue your contributions to them. And it's not going to be particularly impressed with your standard of living was very low because you were spreading the only income coming in far too thin by sharing with these adults. Whether they have to seek public assistance or whatever, the law may ask you to give money to your STBX hubby, but it will never ask you to support your adult children any more than it is going to ask them to support you.

But don't give up entirely. You're on a long learning curve here. You had the courage and intelligence to go back to school and get yourself into a responsbile position and you probably do a great job of it. Us hyper responsible folks usually do.

Now it is time to move forward into a new phase, and eventually, it will likely turn out that you're much better off from making this new move even though it seems unfair and challenging at this time. After all, a drowning person will take their last breath standing on the head of person who has tried to save them. Your husband and the children you have trained to expect your self- sacrifice as a matter of course and to take you for granted will have to deal with it eventually when you are dead, after you've worked yourself to death for their benefit.

Why not take these new steps now and give yourself a chance for something different? Don't give up!

Well, I guess you're another one who believes that it's ok for women to stay home, do nothing and collect alimony, but not men.

 

[ecmst12]

Actually, NO ONE has said that. Not a single person. You are the only one bringing up gender here.

 

[commentator]

What we think is all right does not matter. It will all be in the hands of a California judge. But I do hope this OP will take some of that money before she has to pay it and go to court with a good attorney who will be able to get her the best deal she can possibly get out of backing away from this situation.

 

[metfan012]

Those girls are NOT his unless he adopted them or he fathered them before you were married to him. Truthfully, YOU accepted him not working. You accepted him not getting a job. You accepted him being a stay at home spouse. You made that choice.

He made the choice to not find a job. I told him he was to work during the marriage on many occasions.
Just because someone, man or woman, decides they don't want to work or go to school for a career is not anyone else's fault. They made that decision by themselves. What I am hearing from everyone is that, because I let him not work I am obliged to take care of him for the rest of his life. But he is not a perpetual infant. He is an adult perfectly capable of rational thinking like you or I. He isn't an invalid and is well versed on many subjects.

I am not saying to leave him homeless or without an ability to live...but I do think society should make him responsible for his actions not mine. It's like welfare recipients who stay on aid their whole lives because they can...because the law (used) to allow that. I believe, in both cases, that they be made to stand on their two feet in as reasonable time as possible. To be in control of their own lives instead of depending on someone else to do it.

This is true for women as well as men.Women should stand on their own two feet as well. The old days are over and just because, in the past, women raked men over the coals, so to speak, on divorce doesn't mean or make it right for the situation to be reversed. Pointing to other bad behavior to justify another bad behavior isn't right.

 

[metfan012]

What we think is all right does not matter. It will all be in the hands of a California judge. But I do hope this OP will take some of that money before she has to pay it and go to court with a good attorney who will be able to get her the best deal she can possibly get out of backing away from this situation.

Hi commentator...you reminded me of an important question. If a California judge will apply all of the determining factors for alimony as stated in these comments, how will hiring a lawyer help my chances? (not including the procedural matters such as filling out paperwork correctly).

I don't have a dime for a lawyer. Around her we need about $1500 dollars which isn't bad but I don't have that kind of money.

 

[Bali Hai]

He made the choice to not find a job. I told him he was to work during the marriage on many occasions.
Just because someone, man or woman, decides they don't want to work or go to school for a career is not anyone else's fault. They made that decision by themselves. What I am hearing from everyone is that, because I let him not work I am obliged to take care of him for the rest of his life. But he is not a perpetual infant. He is an adult perfectly capable of rational thinking like you or I. He isn't an invalid and is well versed on many subjects.

I am not saying to leave him homeless or without an ability to live...but I do think society should make him responsible for his actions not mine. It's like welfare recipients who stay on aid their whole lives because they can...because the law (used) to allow that. I believe, in both cases, that they be made to stand on their two feet in as reasonable time as possible. To be in control of their own lives instead of depending on someone else to do it.

This is true for women as well as men.Women should stand on their own two feet as well. The old days are over and just because, in the past, women raked men over the coals, so to speak, on divorce doesn't mean or make it right for the situation to be reversed. Pointing to other bad behavior to justify another bad behavior isn't right.

People will reap what they sow.

 

[ecmst12]

A lawyer can give you insight as to what a judge might order in your area so that you are in a better position to negotiate an agreement with your STBX that is fair to him without leaving you crippled. A lawyer might help you keep things out of court and get them settled faster. Generally, if you can get STBX to agree to a time-limit on the alimony, even if it means paying a higher amount in the short term, it will be to your advantage so you won't have to keep paying after retirement (especially since he'll be able to collect SS retirement from your credits). But I wouldn't want to go into that kind of negotiation without a pro on my side.

 

[metfan012]

A lawyer can give you insight as to what a judge might order in your area so that you are in a better position to negotiate an agreement with your STBX that is fair to him without leaving you crippled. A lawyer might help you keep things out of court and get them settled faster. Generally, if you can get STBX to agree to a time-limit on the alimony, even if it means paying a higher amount in the short term, it will be to your advantage so you won't have to keep paying after retirement (especially since he'll be able to collect SS retirement from your credits). But I wouldn't want to go into that kind of negotiation without a pro on my side.

Thank you for all of your help! I appreciate it. The next step for me then is to save money and retain a lawyer. I think it will all work out in the end for my husband and I. I just have to stay positive.

 

[Bali Hai]

Thank you for all of your help! I appreciate it. The next step for me then is to save money and retain a lawyer. I think it will all work out in the end for my husband and I. I just have to stay positive.

And working.

 

[mistoffolees]

He made the choice to not find a job. I told him he was to work during the marriage on many occasions.

Too bad. You stayed married to him, so it was a mutual decision for him not to work.

 

[tuffbrk]

OP - check out the guidelines on CAonline divorce. It appears that since you're in a long term marriage you will pay. But take a look at what is reviewed - it's interesting to note that they look at what the spouse has done to obtain support for themselves while the divorce is pending, they look at if the party staying home had provided care for the children, provided support while you were in school, etc.

An attorney may be able to ensure that you pay the minimal amount possible.

O/T - I know it stinks when you look back, realize how much time has passed and wonder why, why, why have I put up with this for so long? DON'T beat yourself up. It's done and you can't change it. Just know that you're doing what you can now to help yourself in the future. So good luck to you.