An "unenthusiastic" parent

[stealth2]

Here's the thing... even WITH a shared parenting order, you won't be able to force him to take them more than he chooses to. Nor will he be forced to do things like pick them up when/if you're running late, or working on your scheduled time.

Child/afterschool care? Yes, he will likely have to help with those costs. Extra for the occasional times you can't make it on time? Maybe not. What other resources do you have? Family close by? A good friend, or perhaps the parent of a friend in the same program the ids are in who would be willing to bring them with on the necessary occasions? A neighbor?

You also need to take into consideration what you will do when your oldest "ages out" of child/afterschool care. Many places will not take a child when they hit 12.

Even when parents are together, there is often one who shoulders the bulk of the parenting weight. Even more so when they split - it is not at all unusual. Many, if not most, of us live it.

As for co-parenting? LOL Lots of us have an uncommunicative co-parent. I do. I think it's been nearly five years since I actually spoke with my ex, and have only exchanged a handful of emails in that time. If something comes up that he should have input on, I shoot an email. He can respond or not.

 

[LdiJ]

Proserpina, not sure why you seem negative or hostile? And I do apologize if I'm not clear. I am NOT bypassing my attorney. I am bypassing a 4-way sit down because he said he doesn't care to do that. It is not mandatory and no one can force him. So I'm rejecting one of the options given by my attorney (try to work out compromises vs. going in for temporary orders). This is mostly because: there is no real consistency on his part. He chooses which days he does and does not take them. Decides at times on a whim to change up the weeknights he sees them because he "has something to do" (I've been very flexible and never given him a hard time, but come on!), disappointing the kids AND messing up our schedule. So, clearly, we NEED to have a defined parenting plan, no? And if we can't agree, then we have to go in for temporary orders.

Yes, that's what I thought Eekamouse was suggesting. Since you said "I had a parent..." (i thought you meant one of YOUR parents...sorry) I thought the quote was a message from you, the child. I did misunderstand.

And potato, you are right. In the state of Massachusetts, child support guidelines take income and child care expenses (as well as the kids' health insurance, which he asked me to take on when we first separated, which I did well, because they're my kids and he didn't want to cover them anymore). So in our current "calculation" we only input the after school care, which only goes 'til 6pm. Since I don't get out of work until 5:30, I often times cannot make it on time and get charged late fees (at $2/minute). This mad rush occurs 4/days a week, and sometimes I have to stay past 5:30, which makes it worse. I have asked if he could just pick them up a few more days a week until I can get to them, and he has refused. His refusal is causing me to have to hire someone to help pick them up on time, so dinner is at a decent hour, etc. AFter posting about the child support, I realized that duh, I just need to re-do the calculation.

I AM trying to educate myself, which is why I'm asking the questions. I have been extremely amenable and flexible and have followed HIS terms. But, seriously, why does HE get to make the terms? Legally, I am not the custodial parent. We are still married and share custody, but he refuses to co-parent. That's fine. I do not object to parenting full time. But I too work full time (wayyy more than him) and I just need help because he refuses even though he can. Yes, he is selfish. Yes, he does not miss his kids or care for any "extra" time with them. And yes, they are feeling it. Yes, they have cried to him when he wouldn't spend the 4th of July with them, for example. Or Veteran's Day (because I had to work and he didn't). Or most three day weekends that he has them. They don't care about what the "standard" is, they just miss their dad. :-(. I know that is not a legal issue. But when you have a parent who doesn't care, spends minimal time with them, and tells them to "stop acting like babies" when they ask him things like why they can't watch the superbowl together (to which he always replies vaguely, "because I have plans" every.single.time), it really does seem like he is not interested in parenting. Just visiting.




Thank you

Mom, I think that I understand where you are coming from. You feel that you need an equal partner/parent in parenting your children, and the children wish to spend more time with their father, but he is only interested in parenting when its convenient for him.

Therefore, you are somehow hoping to find a way to force him to equally participate in parenting. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen. If he is unenthusiastic there is nothing you can do to change that.

However, there is one possibility. It may be that his current attitude has something to do with not wanting to make your life any easier. It could be that if he is an abusive/controlling type that he deliberately is refusing to assist you with anything regarding the children, as punishment for you wanting a divorce. If you stop asking him for any help at all, and manage everything on your own except when he voluntarily wants to spend time with the children, you may find that he will want to voluntarily spend time with them more often. You can also certainly ask for him to share in daycare costs, and that might make him step up more as well, in order to avoid having to pay those extra costs.

 

[ecmst12]

It seems to me that you are just as guilty as dad of being unwilling to accept any terms other than yours. He does not have to take the children just because it would be convenient for your schedule and a judge is not necessarily going to ding him for that. Seems to me that you don't really care how much time he spends with the kids, you just don't want to have to worry about child care.

And when you claim abuse on one side and then complain that he doesn't want MORE time with the kids on the other, you look like a hypocrite.

 

[mamabear70]

Proserpina, not sure why you seem negative or hostile? And I do apologize if I'm not clear. I am NOT bypassing my attorney. I am bypassing a 4-way sit down because he said he doesn't care to do that. It is not mandatory and no one can force him. So I'm rejecting one of the options given by my attorney (try to work out compromises vs. going in for temporary orders). This is mostly because: there is no real consistency on his part. He chooses which days he does and does not take them. Decides at times on a whim to change up the weeknights he sees them because he "has something to do" (I've been very flexible and never given him a hard time, but come on!), disappointing the kids AND messing up our schedule. So, clearly, we NEED to have a defined parenting plan, no? And if we can't agree, then we have to go in for temporary orders.



Mom, I think that I understand where you are coming from. You feel that you need an equal partner/parent in parenting your children, and the children wish to spend more time with their father, but he is only interested in parenting when its convenient for him.

Therefore, you are somehow hoping to find a way to force him to equally participate in parenting. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen. If he is unenthusiastic there is nothing you can do to change that.

However, there is one possibility. It may be that his current attitude has something to do with not wanting to make your life any easier. It could be that if he is an abusive/controlling type that he deliberately is refusing to assist you with anything regarding the children, as punishment for you wanting a divorce. If you stop asking him for any help at all, and manage everything on your own except when he voluntarily wants to spend time with the children, you may find that he will want to voluntarily spend time with them more often. You can also certainly ask for him to share in daycare costs, and that might make him step up more as well, in order to avoid having to pay those extra costs.

Yes, yes, yes, Bingo! I really believe that he wants to purposely make things difficult for me. And he is. I can't force him to be a better father, and I'll just have to deal with it.

 

[mamabear70]

It seems to me that you are just as guilty as dad of being unwilling to accept any terms other than yours. He does not have to take the children just because it would be convenient for your schedule and a judge is not necessarily going to ding him for that. Seems to me that you don't really care how much time he spends with the kids, you just don't want to have to worry about child care.

And when you claim abuse on one side and then complain that he doesn't want MORE time with the kids on the other, you look like a hypocrite.

Errrr, what??? I have had no choice but to accept his terms. It's his terms or no terms. When I have asked for slight flexibility from him, it's a resounding no. I think we have been living on HIS terms (as far as custody/visitation).

And how can you say that I don't want to have to worry about child care???? On what basis???? I PAY for childcare - an after school program until 6 every single day. Problem is that I work until 5:30 in the city and it is very difficult for me to get to them by 6. He gets out at 4:30. He used the pick the kids up every day when we lived in the same household. Someone mentioned a family member to help on the "rare occasions I run late." This isn't about the rare occasion. It is just about every single day that I cannot make it by 6. Therefore I will have to hire someone to help me consistenly and I was wondering if I can ask a judge to take that into consideration when looking at the state guidelines for child support.

And the abuse - was against me, not the kids. You say me bringing it up makes me look hypocritical. How so? I can see if he had been abusive to the kids and I was still asking him to be with them more. But he wasn't. My question about that was that if it has any bearing on a request for sole legal custody.

 

[MichaCA]

An idea - not sure if it would apply well here or not. If you are going to court, have you considered asking the judge that either parent must provide notice...(whatever is reasonable in this situation...24 hours? 4 hours?) if they are unable to utilize their custodial time. If that could get included into the court order...would that make things easier on you?

I agree with others too, in that it does seem you need to accept that your the one steering the boat here and so reach out for as many other resources as possible.

 

[CJane]

Mom, you can't force accountability on Dad. You CAN, absolutely, ask that any 'extradordinary' costs be shared with Dad, via child support.

One of the best things you can do for YOURSELF, is change your ideas of what kind of father he *should be, and learn to accept the father he *is.

 

[Bloopy]

Have you considered putting forth two options?

Either, he pay his share of the added child care costs, $100 per mo, whatever it comes to.
*Or he provide or arrange for that expensive hour, with say, a $25 CS credit.

You both get a fiscally better option. And kids get more dad time he chose instead of was forced to take.

*****

Do you *really want to force a M-F encounter an @ass that resents you for it?
To again have daily arguments in front of the kids?

*Not dealing with him has value. I'd pay into that serenity.

 

[mamabear70]

An idea - not sure if it would apply well here or not. If you are going to court, have you considered asking the judge that either parent must provide notice...(whatever is reasonable in this situation...24 hours? 4 hours?) if they are unable to utilize their custodial time. If that could get included into the court order...would that make things easier on you?

I agree with others too, in that it does seem you need to accept that your the one steering the boat here and so reach out for as many other resources as possible.

That might add some degree of help, but I'd likely still have to scramble to see if I can get someone, or tell my boss, once again, that I have to leave early. I'm sure it's going to get old real fast.

But a question - with this approach, what happens if we do have that put in the agreement...what happens if he doesn't provide the proper notice, as written? Because I would be my left eye ball that he probably will continue to do as he pleases.


Thx!

 

[mamabear70]

Mom, you can't force accountability on Dad. You CAN, absolutely, ask that any 'extradordinary' costs be shared with Dad, via child support.

One of the best things you can do for YOURSELF, is change your ideas of what kind of father he *should be, and learn to accept the father he *is.

Thanks, CJane. I spoke to my attorney today, and she believes we can ask that these costs be shared with him in one way or another. Between not being able to pick up the kids on time, AND my having to incur a hefty parking cost per month because I cannot rely on public transportation to get me back home in time for picking up the kids (due to his refusal to do so), she thinks we may be able to get a judge to help with at least some of those costs. I guess, it's basically, help with time, or help with money. But help.
We'll see how it works out.

And you are right - I do need to accept the father he is. It is soooo much easier said than done, but I don't have a choice. And as someone pointed out earlier - he really wasn't an incredibly involved dad during the marriage, so it's not surprise that he is less so after.

Again, thanks for your advice. Much appreciated.

 

[mamabear70]

Have you considered putting forth two options?

Either, he pay his share of the added child care costs, $100 per mo, whatever it comes to.
*Or he provide or arrange for that expensive hour, with say, a $25 CS credit.

You both get a fiscally better option. And kids get more dad time he chose instead of was forced to take.

*****

Do you *really want to force a M-F encounter an @ass that resents you for it?
To again have daily arguments in front of the kids?

*Not dealing with him has value. I'd pay into that serenity.

I think those options sound fair, actually. Good idea. Thanks! I'll will bring it up to my attorney.

Thx again.