Abandoned-PLEASE HELP

[Deserted757]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia
Please if anyone could help with advice and/or point me to someone that could help me locally, I would be most grateful. I'm sorry this is long, but it has been a long year and I feel the need to explain my situation if anyone is going to be able to understand and help.
My wife changed the locks on our home while I was out last April (2011). There is no abuse, infidelity, drugs, drinking, or any such problems in our home. Quite the contrary, we were introduced by a mutual friend that knew we had both been treated poorly, cheated on and stolen from in the past and wanted us to both find someone good for a change. We hit it off and married. She already had a house and we kept it and I moved in with her there. Two years and nine months later, she changed the locks because I had not been able to find work due to the economy that has affected us all. I called a lawyer and the police and was told that it was illegal for either of us to lock the other out and that I had every right to break into my own home. When she came home, she had traded our brand new 2011 vehicle for another brand new 2011 vehicle and had ERASED me from my home as if I had cheated, abused, or done something terrible! No pictures of me. Every one of my things had been gone through and boxed up. She was moving me out. She demanded I get out and take everything with me even though she knew that I had no way to move my things, no place to take them, no money for food or gas(I literally had $0.00 in my bank account as she demanded any money that I had and I of course gladly gave her to help as much as I could), and nowhere to go. I was scheduled for surgery on April 29 and am not able to go alone, couldn't pay the $200 deductible, and couldn't take care of myself for up to 2 weeks after so to this day, I have not had that surgery. After getting back in she again tried to make me leave and I reminded her that she is not allowed to make me leave my home and she got furious and took out a false protective order against me to keep me from staying(6 days). I was, of course advised that if she were capable of this, that she would also be capable of doing something worse and claiming I hurt her so I should not try to go home even after order was over. She would have too! She did NOT want me there. So I have slept in my truck and in friends' floors and spare rooms and now in a poorly remodeled garage apartment. I have a beautiful home and am 46 years old and the way I am living is shameful. We have gotten together in what seemed to be attempts to reconcile but she always ends up abandoning me again after getting my hopes up and making promises because she will not get any help and she will not face what she has done. There is more to tell than I can write here but I have gone to counseling, groups and anything I could to learn and get help for us while she refused any help. Finally agreed to marriage counseling and left after the third visit because he started pointing out to her that she was the one at fault. My wife made a point of getting me to finish remodeling our home as she apparently was planning this. She wanted me to leave, take all my things and provide me NO assistance, even saying she was going to remove me from insurances.
Luckily a few good people came out of the woodwork to help make sure I was ok and miraculously landed a job shortly after. I am still working there and she has changed excuses like underwear to justify continuing this. She has been back and forth promising reconciliation and counseling only to drop me time and again and leave. She wants divorce and thinks that she can just erase me as if I was never there and keep the house and everything and leave me and pay no consequences for her actions. She has used the house to control and manipulate me in ways most cruel.
Unfortunately, the law seems to agree. Just because I am a man and she is a woman, I was told, even before I found the job, that I would get no spousal support and I had no rights to the home in Virginia because she owned it when we married. I was told that I should just write the whole experience off and move on-sign here. WRONG!
I waited until I was 42 to be married so I could do it right and for LIFE and I discussed this with my wife before marrying. I believe what the Bible teaches us about marriage and our laws are supposed to be built on God's word, not to mention common sense and morals. She went through all of our belongings after marriage and said we'd be together for life so we wouldn't need two of everything. Of course mine was mostly what got tossed. Now the home and everything in it goes to the one that abandoned the marriage? I am left with nothing? And this is right? She pays no consequence even though there is a written law forbidding the abandonment of marriage? Because she is a woman? This is not right or fair. If the shoe were on the other foot, you lawyers would have my ass in a sling!
Is there anyone out there that can tell me that I do not and SHOULD not settle for this and offer to fight for me? She gets away with this with no consequences? She has free legal aid through her job and I cannot afford a lawyer so she wins, right? I'm not deserving of anything for being abandoned with no money, food, home, etc.? I am not deserving of any part of our home even though I have been a loving and faithful husband, remodeled it, took care of it, cared for her and her children and did no wrong? Does she get everything with no consequence just because the house is in her name??? Please tell me I'm wrong! Please tell me I no longer need to allow myself to be controlled by this woman!
Thanx again. Sorry so long but I am stressed as Friday is a year and I am in total disbelief that she has let this go on this long.

 

[TheGeekess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia
Please if anyone could help with advice and/or point me to someone that could help me locally, I would be most grateful. I'm sorry this is long, but it has been a long year and I feel the need to explain my situation if anyone is going to be able to understand and help.
My wife changed the locks on our home while I was out last April (2011). There is no abuse, infidelity, drugs, drinking, or any such problems in our home. Quite the contrary, we were introduced by a mutual friend that knew we had both been treated poorly, cheated on and stolen from in the past and wanted us to both find someone good for a change. We hit it off and married. She already had a house and we kept it and I moved in with her there. Two years and nine months later, she changed the locks because I had not been able to find work due to the economy that has affected us all. I called a lawyer and the police and was told that it was illegal for either of us to lock the other out and that I had every right to break into my own home. When she came home, she had traded our brand new 2011 vehicle for another brand new 2011 vehicle and had ERASED me from my home as if I had cheated, abused, or done something terrible! No pictures of me. Every one of my things had been gone through and boxed up. She was moving me out. She demanded I get out and take everything with me even though she knew that I had no way to move my things, no place to take them, no money for food or gas(I literally had $0.00 in my bank account as she demanded any money that I had and I of course gladly gave her to help as much as I could), and nowhere to go. I was scheduled for surgery on April 29 and am not able to go alone, couldn't pay the $200 deductible, and couldn't take care of myself for up to 2 weeks after so to this day, I have not had that surgery. After getting back in she again tried to make me leave and I reminded her that she is not allowed to make me leave my home and she got furious and took out a false protective order against me to keep me from staying(6 days). I was, of course advised that if she were capable of this, that she would also be capable of doing something worse and claiming I hurt her so I should not try to go home even after order was over. She would have too! She did NOT want me there. So I have slept in my truck and in friends' floors and spare rooms and now in a poorly remodeled garage apartment. I have a beautiful home and am 46 years old and the way I am living is shameful. We have gotten together in what seemed to be attempts to reconcile but she always ends up abandoning me again after getting my hopes up and making promises because she will not get any help and she will not face what she has done. There is more to tell than I can write here but I have gone to counseling, groups and anything I could to learn and get help for us while she refused any help. Finally agreed to marriage counseling and left after the third visit because he started pointing out to her that she was the one at fault. My wife made a point of getting me to finish remodeling our home as she apparently was planning this. She wanted me to leave, take all my things and provide me NO assistance, even saying she was going to remove me from insurances.
Luckily a few good people came out of the woodwork to help make sure I was ok and miraculously landed a job shortly after. I am still working there and she has changed excuses like underwear to justify continuing this. She has been back and forth promising reconciliation and counseling only to drop me time and again and leave. She wants divorce and thinks that she can just erase me as if I was never there and keep the house and everything and leave me and pay no consequences for her actions. She has used the house to control and manipulate me in ways most cruel.
Unfortunately, the law seems to agree. Just because I am a man and she is a woman, I was told, even before I found the job, that I would get no spousal support and I had no rights to the home in Virginia because she owned it when we married. I was told that I should just write the whole experience off and move on-sign here. WRONG!
I waited until I was 42 to be married so I could do it right and for LIFE and I discussed this with my wife before marrying. I believe what the Bible teaches us about marriage and our laws are supposed to be built on God's word, not to mention common sense and morals. She went through all of our belongings after marriage and said we'd be together for life so we wouldn't need two of everything. Of course mine was mostly what got tossed. Now the home and everything in it goes to the one that abandoned the marriage? I am left with nothing? And this is right? She pays no consequence even though there is a written law forbidding the abandonment of marriage? Because she is a woman? This is not right or fair. If the shoe were on the other foot, you lawyers would have my ass in a sling!
Is there anyone out there that can tell me that I do not and SHOULD not settle for this and offer to fight for me? She gets away with this with no consequences? She has free legal aid through her job and I cannot afford a lawyer so she wins, right? I'm not deserving of anything for being abandoned with no money, food, home, etc.? I am not deserving of any part of our home even though I have been a loving and faithful husband, remodeled it, took care of it, cared for her and her children and did no wrong? Does she get everything with no consequence just because the house is in her name??? Please tell me I'm wrong! Please tell me I no longer need to allow myself to be controlled by this woman!
Thanx again. Sorry so long but I am stressed as Friday is a year and I am in total disbelief that she has let this go on this long.

More white space, less emotion, especially if you want anyone here to read that.

 

[tuffbrk]

If you and your wife did not add you as an owner at the time of, or any time thereafter, thenm, no, you are not entitled to her home. You would, however, be eligible for 1/2 of any equity that accrued during the marriage. Considering the market, that's probably not much, if anything.

It has nothing to do with whether you are a man or a woman. It is simply the law.

 

[ecmst12]

I wrote a really nice post last night but didn't get it up in time before the forums went down. I saved it at home though, I will try to post it later.

 

[ecmst12]

You will not get spousal support because this was a very short marriage and I'm guessing you're making about the same amount as she is right now anyway. It's not like she supported you for 20 years and you became accustomed to a lifestyle and neglected to further your own career because you agreed to be a stay-at-home husband or dad. That's what spousal support is intended for.

Yes, she gets to keep the house, because it was hers before you met. You would be entitled to half the increase in value/equity during the marriage. If you made improvements which increased your equity, you might be entitled to a small payout. If your improvements did not add much value, or you went into debt to do the improvements equal to (or greater than) the value added, then there won't be much equity increase to divide.

But no, no one is going to punish her for not wanting to stay married to you.

 

[Deserted757]

More white space, less emotion, especially if you want anyone here to read that.

Amazing that not only can people be rude, but that they can take the time to type out a rude remark instead of just passing by if they don't care. I tried to explain my story so that i may get some advice instead of saying "my wife locked me out. what do i do?" only to be told specifics were needed if I was to expect help. Thanx for nothing Geekess

Thanx to everyone else.
Just seems to me that being my wife makes her responsible especially considering the way she did things. If I had not found a job when I did, she would have every right to leave me on the street? And btw, she makes about double what I do now, we did do tons of improvements but as stated, probably means next to nothing in today's market. I can't believe that this country would allow someone to just walk away from a marriage, put their spouse on the street and do the things she's done with no penalty. There actually seems to be a law on the books stating abandonment is punishable by up to a year in jail, though I'm sure it would never be enforced. If abandonment is wrong and illegal, why is there no penalty for doing it? We built our laws on the Bible and marriage is not supposed to be disposable.

 

[Proserpina]

Amazing that not only can people be rude, but that they can take the time to type out a rude remark instead of just passing by if they don't care. I tried to explain my story so that i may get some advice instead of saying "my wife locked me out. what do i do?" only to be told specifics were needed if I was to expect help. Thanx for nothing Geekess

What the volunteers ideally need is - as difficult as it may seem (and it is difficult most times) - bare facts without emotion, and the use of white space and paragraphs to make longer posts easier to read.

Geekess wasn't rude to you, actually. She simply said what 99.9% of readers thought and didn't say.

Thanx to everyone else.
Just seems to me that being my wife makes her responsible especially considering the way she did things. If I had not found a job when I did, she would have every right to leave me on the street?

Yes, she would have the right to do that (provided she followed the legal eviction process).

And btw, she makes about double what I do now, we did do tons of improvements but as stated, probably means next to nothing in today's market. I can't believe that this country would allow someone to just walk away from a marriage, put their spouse on the street and do the things she's done with no penalty. There actually seems to be a law on the books stating abandonment is punishable by up to a year in jail, though I'm sure it would never be enforced. If abandonment is wrong and illegal, why is there no penalty for doing it? We built our laws on the Bible and marriage is not supposed to be disposable.

You cannot force someone to remain married to you if they no longer wish to be, nor can you penalize them for wanting out (in most cases....).

That's really the long and short of it. This isn't about God or the Bible; it's about the laws in your state. And your state is not going to punish her for wanting out of the marriage if she's not happy.

 

[Deserted757]

Thanx Proserpina!

I have never been here before. I posted for some help and just did not understand.

Sorry Geekess. I am not familiar with the terminology here.

Sorry to everyone but I didn't understand and yes, I'm a bit emotional.

Proserpina, there was no "legal eviction process".

My wife has some issues that seemed to be getting worse with time. In the midst of one of her episodes, as I tried to calm her, she covered her eyes and said "I just wish I had two days to myself to think quietly...". I told her to stop right there and that I'd spend two nights at a friend's so she could calm down and then we'd talk when I got back. I told her I'd try anything to help and that giving her some space and time may be a good idea. She called to apologize and make sure I had a place to stay, etc. and thanked me! When I talked to her on the day I was to return, she was out "running errands" so I told her I'd head home. She said "I'm not comfortable with you being in the house when I'm not there.". WHAT??? This was my FIRST indication that there was anything wrong other than her usual(although growing) emotional problems. I immediately called a lawyer and talked to the police and was told that it was my home too as long as we were married and she could not tell me not to come home. The thought never occurred to me but when I got there, my key didn't work. I called the police and when he got there he told me that I could break into my own home if I wanted and that she had no right, as long as we are married to keep me out.

The rest is in my original post-when she found out she couldn't do that, she filed a protective order, etc.

As i read the laws, changing the locks was abandonment/desertion.

Thanx again and my apologies to all.

If anyone has more advice or info, I'd appreciate it.

 

[Proserpina]

No worries - divorce is inherently a stressful and emotional process!

The problem is that realistically, you're looking at divorce. Eventually you will have to find somewhere to live permanently (it's not too clear whether you're back in the marital home or not - if you are, only a court can order you to leave. If you're not living in the marital home, it's moot now), and get on with your life.

Is there a local church group you can turn to for support?

 

[ecmst12]

No, our laws were not built on the bible. They were built on the separation of church and state. It's a shame that marriage does not mean the same thing to your wife as it does to you, but slavery was outlawed a long time ago. No one is going to force her to stay married to you or punish her for wanting out. And she doesn't have to give you her property that she owned before you met or pay you off just because you are angry that she wants a divorce. While you can stay in the marital home as long as you are married, that's an extremely temporary situation, so start looking for another place to live. And please, get some therapy to help you move on with your life and get over these thoughts of punishment, revenge, or the idea that she owes you anything after your brief time together.

 

[Deserted757]

No, our laws were not built on the bible. They were built on the separation of church and state. It's a shame that marriage does not mean the same thing to your wife as it does to you, but slavery was outlawed a long time ago. No one is going to force her to stay married to you or punish her for wanting out. And she doesn't have to give you her property that she owned before you met or pay you off just because you are angry that she wants a divorce. While you can stay in the marital home as long as you are married, that's an extremely temporary situation, so start looking for another place to live. And please, get some therapy to help you move on with your life and get over these thoughts of punishment, revenge, or the idea that she owes you anything after your brief time together.

WOW! LOL! I'm not asking anyone to force her to stay married but I did discuss my beliefs and desires before we got married so it sure would be nice if she would have been honest up front as I asked of her.
Therapy you say? Angry you say? Obviously I did not write nearly enough because my wife is the angry one. I only came for legal advice since I have never married and wanted to make sure I did not short myself after all I've been through.

I am not asking if I can force her to stay married to me and would not want someone that did not want to be with me.

There is much more to this story than I can possibly write here, of course.

I obviously did not make it clear also that I have been out of the home for a year now.

I also already knew that she doesn't have to give/split the home she already had. I have ZERO thoughts of revenge. My wife has the corner marketed on that and for no reason at all. That is why I am here. To protect myself if there is anything I need to know or do to protect myself.

I have been in therapy ever since this happened to:
1. Help me with the depression and shock of what she did to me
2. Show her that I was willing to do anything that I asked of her(she needed therapy)
3. Work on anything in myself-realized or not- that may have contributed to this and to improve myself
4. Help me to understand how better to deal with her and her problems
And of course I tried to get her into marriage counseling with me but as soon as it was pointed out that our problems were her's and what she needed to start working on, she quit going(after only 3 or 4 visits). I kept going in hopes she would return because I love my wife and hold our marriage dear and only want her healthy and happy.

And the verdicts are in, all counsel points at her problems and I am told I don't even need to be there. I have continued at my own choice and expense. So you see, no anger, no revenge. She is the one angry and refusing therapy and she is the one that needs it.

No one here has acknowledged that there are supposedly actually laws in my favor-possibly because they would not be enforced-but supposedly it was illegal for her to ever change the locks and doing so constitutes abandonment, which is illegal here? not to mention cruelty - understandably probably hard to prove - but just seems that my wife is able to wash her hands of me and live as though I never existed and being able to do someone like that with no consequences seems unjust. If I had not been lucky enough to land the job, it would be ok that I was left penniless and homeless? I thought we were supposed to be responsible for each other. Not just morally but legally also?
I am now in a situation where I have to buy a home and all the furnishings because our's are on her property? She keeps everything and I have to totally buy a new life on my own? If that's what I have to do, I will of course, but something seems wrong there.

 

[Proserpina]

Okay, so let's say you do take her to court (this will be civil, not family, court by the way) for changing the locks.

What do you think will happen? Yes, you might get a judgment - but I'm sorry, the majority of small claims judgments are never collected. But moreover, she did this in 2011 - the time to act on that was then, not a year later.

Yes, legally, your wife is allowed to leave you with nothing. Changing the locks in and of itself does not constitute legal abandonment - and even if it did, what do you think would happen?

She'd get a slap on the wrist. She would not be ordered to support you.

I'm truly puzzled at this point as to what it is you hope to gain?

 

[Ohiogal]

Okay, so let's say you do take her to court (this will be civil, not family, court by the way) for changing the locks.

What do you think will happen? Yes, you might get a judgment - but I'm sorry, the majority of small claims judgments are never collected. But moreover, she did this in 2011 - the time to act on that was then, not a year later.

Yes, legally, your wife is allowed to leave you with nothing. Changing the locks in and of itself does not constitute legal abandonment - and even if it did, what do you think would happen?

She'd get a slap on the wrist. She would not be ordered to support you.

I'm truly puzzled at this point as to what it is you hope to gain?

Suing his wife would be done in divorce court. Why are you suggesting small claims court? Family court/Domestic Relations court is where the lawsuit between him and his wife would be.

 

[Proserpina]

Because changing the locks in OP's state (even between estranged spouses and folk in a relationship) is very often a matter tossed to small claims.

If I'm wrong, sincere apologies, OP

 

[tuffbrk]

You can request whatever items that you'd like from the home. If she prefers to not give those particular items to you - then you request to be compensated for your half of the value of the marital possessions. I know it's inconvenient and that you won't see the funds for some time but you will be compensated for those items. Presuming, of course, that they were purchased during your marriage? You did contribute to their purchase, right?

Hopefully we're not talking about a guy with nothing, walking into an established household, not contributing to that household since he was thinking he hit the mother lode, getting thrown out and then expecting to be compensated anyway...that's not what you did, right?

I do find it interesting that you were able to obtain employment once you had no other choice...