Abandoned-PLEASE HELP

[Deserted757]

You can request whatever items that you'd like from the home. If she prefers to not give those particular items to you - then you request to be compensated for your half of the value of the marital possessions. I know it's inconvenient and that you won't see the funds for some time but you will be compensated for those items. Presuming, of course, that they were purchased during your marriage? You did contribute to their purchase, right?

Hopefully we're not talking about a guy with nothing, walking into an established household, not contributing to that household since he was thinking he hit the mother lode, getting thrown out and then expecting to be compensated anyway...that's not what you did, right?

I do find it interesting that you were able to obtain employment once you had no other choice...

i find it interesting that most everyone here assumes the worst and has something to say to someone that wrote for help.
if it's any of your business, i got hired on a trial basis and when the guy told me he didn't have a place for my particular skill set, i started crying. he talked to me about what was going on with me, prayed with his wife and they decided to put me on at a low rate of pay to help me out. he has since realized that he was lucky to find me as i am very good at what i do, an has given raises accordingly. i was just in bad shape when i first met him. i was literally in shock as per my psych and i had dropped over 20 pounds and wasn't sleeping. so, i got lucky finding a christian man that cared and if not, i may still not have a job. none of my other resumes/applications have brought even a phone call to this day.

no i'm not a bum. i have worked since i was a kid and was working when we married. has anyone here noticed that the economy has been crap for some time now?

yes, i contributed to the home and everything in it.

my wife is the villain here and believe it or not, i have spent a year trying to believe that this is a sickness in her and only trying to get the help she/we need. i have defended her and let no one speak against her in my presence. i just realize now that she is making conscious decisions not to get help and to blame me and thought i should ask for help and to see if i needed to protect myself in any way. and yes, i was kinda hoping that i wasn't going to have to buy a new home and furnishings on my income but if i have to, i will do as i need. just hated to accept nothing then have everyone tell me later that i had rights.

thanx to those with compassionate, honest answers.

to the rest of you, i think you could use some therapy yourself if you assume the worst in people and feel justified attacking someone on forums. i had hoped i'd find more maturity on a forum of this nature.

i was merely asking for advice. your personal feelings and assumptions don't really help someone who is already in a stressful situation and reaching out for help.

 

[TheGeekess]

i find it interesting that most everyone here assumes the worst and has something to say to someone that wrote for help.
if it's any of your business, i got hired on a trial basis and when the guy told me he didn't have a place for my particular skill set, i started crying. he talked to me about what was going on with me, prayed with his wife and they decided to put me on at a low rate of pay to help me out. he has since realized that he was lucky to find me as i am very good at what i do, an has given raises accordingly. i was just in bad shape when i first met him. i was literally in shock as per my psych and i had dropped over 20 pounds and wasn't sleeping. so, i got lucky finding a christian man that cared and if not, i may still not have a job. none of my other resumes/applications have brought even a phone call to this day.

no i'm not a bum. i have worked since i was a kid and was working when we married. has anyone here noticed that the economy has been crap for some time now?

yes, i contributed to the home and everything in it.

my wife is the villain here and believe it or not, i have spent a year trying to believe that this is a sickness in her and only trying to get the help she/we need. i have defended her and let no one speak against her in my presence. i just realize now that she is making conscious decisions not to get help and to blame me and thought i should ask for help and to see if i needed to protect myself in any way. and yes, i was kinda hoping that i wasn't going to have to buy a new home and furnishings on my income but if i have to, i will do as i need. just hated to accept nothing then have everyone tell me later that i had rights.

thanx to those with compassionate, honest answers.

to the rest of you, i think you could use some therapy yourself if you assume the worst in people and feel justified attacking someone on forums. i had hoped i'd find more maturity on a forum of this nature.

i was merely asking for advice. your personal feelings and assumptions don't really help someone who is already in a stressful situation and reaching out for help.

Once you get over your want for revenge and punishment, you'll find out we're right.

Court does not care about emotions. Court is not about emotions. Your emotions and feelings mean diddly to the court.

 

[ecmst12]

She's not a villan and she's not sick. Neither are you. She just doesn't want to be married anymore. That doesn't make her an evil person or in need of mental help. Please continue with your therapy to deal with this unexpected turn of events.

Remember that it takes TWO people to destroy a marriage the same as it takes 2 people to make one. Neither of you are without blame here.

 

[tuffbrk]

And of course I tried to get her into marriage counseling with me but as soon as it was pointed out that our problems were her's and what she needed to start working on, she quit going(after only 3 or 4 visits). I kept going in hopes she would return because I love my wife and hold our marriage dear and only want her healthy and happy.

And the verdicts are in, all counsel points at her problems and I am told I don't even need to be there. I have continued at my own choice and expense. So you see, no anger, no revenge. She is the one angry and refusing therapy and she is the one that needs it.

Okie dokie

 

[not2cleverRed]

I think you need to switch therapists/counsellors, because you need to understand on this point you have to move onto acceptance of "what is" - not wallow in your pain over rejection and loss.

What I found worked for me was to picture the divorce process as an onion, peeling off layers and letting go until only what truly mattered was left. (And I still ended up being in that minority that actually goes to trial.)

That said... I'm not seeing how you should get any $ in a divorce. So rip off the bandaid and get it over with.

 

[LdiJ]

WOW! LOL! I'm not asking anyone to force her to stay married but I did discuss my beliefs and desires before we got married so it sure would be nice if she would have been honest up front as I asked of her.
Therapy you say? Angry you say? Obviously I did not write nearly enough because my wife is the angry one. I only came for legal advice since I have never married and wanted to make sure I did not short myself after all I've been through.

I am not asking if I can force her to stay married to me and would not want someone that did not want to be with me.

There is much more to this story than I can possibly write here, of course.

I obviously did not make it clear also that I have been out of the home for a year now.

I also already knew that she doesn't have to give/split the home she already had. I have ZERO thoughts of revenge. My wife has the corner marketed on that and for no reason at all. That is why I am here. To protect myself if there is anything I need to know or do to protect myself.

I have been in therapy ever since this happened to:
1. Help me with the depression and shock of what she did to me
2. Show her that I was willing to do anything that I asked of her(she needed therapy)
3. Work on anything in myself-realized or not- that may have contributed to this and to improve myself
4. Help me to understand how better to deal with her and her problems
And of course I tried to get her into marriage counseling with me but as soon as it was pointed out that our problems were her's and what she needed to start working on, she quit going(after only 3 or 4 visits). I kept going in hopes she would return because I love my wife and hold our marriage dear and only want her healthy and happy.

And the verdicts are in, all counsel points at her problems and I am told I don't even need to be there. I have continued at my own choice and expense. So you see, no anger, no revenge. She is the one angry and refusing therapy and she is the one that needs it.

No one here has acknowledged that there are supposedly actually laws in my favor-possibly because they would not be enforced-but supposedly it was illegal for her to ever change the locks and doing so constitutes abandonment, which is illegal here? not to mention cruelty - understandably probably hard to prove - but just seems that my wife is able to wash her hands of me and live as though I never existed and being able to do someone like that with no consequences seems unjust. If I had not been lucky enough to land the job, it would be ok that I was left penniless and homeless? I thought we were supposed to be responsible for each other. Not just morally but legally also?I am now in a situation where I have to buy a home and all the furnishings because our's are on her property? She keeps everything and I have to totally buy a new life on my own? If that's what I have to do, I will of course, but something seems wrong there.

The bolded portion of that does not sound like someone who has accepted the fact that his marriage has ended...and doesn't sound like someone who doesn't want his stbx wife to be punished.

All of that was relevant in April of 2011. You could have taken action then. You did to some extent but then you backed off out of fear of retaliation. Its all too late now to matter.

 

[Deserted757]

thanx for all the psychological advice. strangely i thought this was a legal forum. it is obvious why none of you are in the field of psychology. thanx to those who did care to address the actual problems with honest answers.

 

[TheGeekess]

thanx for all the psychological advice. strangely i thought this was a legal forum. it is obvious why none of you are in the field of psychology. thanx to those who did care to address the actual problems with honest answers.

Alrighty then.

 

[Eekamouse]

Wow. You really think the law should punish your stbx for wanting out of her unhappy marriage to you? What country do you think this is that we would have courts that would punish someone for wanting to be free of a bad marriage? And force her to give you half of what she owned before you two even married?

 

[Taynga]

Deserted757,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I have been through something very similar that turned my world upside-down and made me question the point of something that I once felt was sacred. Why enter into a marriage contract if it provides no rights, responsibilities, or securities? Why not just go steady? I feel for you and understand your frustration. If you haven't already, I would go to 2-3 free consultations with different divorce lawyers in your area as well as continuing with the counseling. Best of luck to you!

 

[tuffbrk]

Deserted757,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I have been through something very similar that turned my world upside-down and made me question the point of something that I once felt was sacred. Why enter into a marriage contract if it provides no rights, responsibilities, or securities? Why not just go steady? I feel for you and understand your frustration. If you haven't already, I would go to 2-3 free consultations with different divorce lawyers in your area as well as continuing with the counseling. Best of luck to you!

Marriage does provide rights and responsibilities. The laws of each state govern the rights and responsibilities that are part of the marriage contract. That does not mean that you are stuck having to live with, and deal with, a person that you no longer respect or love.
Which is why a party can file for divorce to end the marriage contract.

Keep in mind that ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves and our own sense of security. Married or not.

 

[Ladyback1]

WOW! LOL! I'm not asking anyone to force her to stay married but I did discuss my beliefs and desires before we got married so it sure would be nice if she would have been honest up front as I asked of her.
Therapy you say? Angry you say? Obviously I did not write nearly enough because my wife is the angry one. I only came for legal advice since I have never married and wanted to make sure I did not short myself after all I've been through.

I am not asking if I can force her to stay married to me and would not want someone that did not want to be with me.

There is much more to this story than I can possibly write here, of course.

I obviously did not make it clear also that I have been out of the home for a year now.

I also already knew that she doesn't have to give/split the home she already had. I have ZERO thoughts of revenge. My wife has the corner marketed on that and for no reason at all. That is why I am here. To protect myself if there is anything I need to know or do to protect myself.

I have been in therapy ever since this happened to:
1. Help me with the depression and shock of what she did to me
2. Show her that I was willing to do anything that I asked of her(she needed therapy)
3. Work on anything in myself-realized or not- that may have contributed to this and to improve myself
4. Help me to understand how better to deal with her and her problems
And of course I tried to get her into marriage counseling with me but as soon as it was pointed out that our problems were her's and what she needed to start working on, she quit going(after only 3 or 4 visits). I kept going in hopes she would return because I love my wife and hold our marriage dear and only want her healthy and happy.

And the verdicts are in, all counsel points at her problems and I am told I don't even need to be there. I have continued at my own choice and expense. So you see, no anger, no revenge. She is the one angry and refusing therapy and she is the one that needs it.

No one here has acknowledged that there are supposedly actually laws in my favor-possibly because they would not be enforced-but supposedly it was illegal for her to ever change the locks and doing so constitutes abandonment, which is illegal here? not to mention cruelty - understandably probably hard to prove - but just seems that my wife is able to wash her hands of me and live as though I never existed and being able to do someone lik.e that with no consequences seems unjust. If I had not been lucky enough to land the job, it would be ok that I was left penniless and homeless? I thought we were supposed to be responsible for each other. Not just morally but legally also?
I am now in a situation where I have to buy a home and all the furnishings because our's are on her property? She keeps everything and I have to totally buy a new life on my own? If that's what I have to do, I will of course, but something seems wrong there.

Absolutely scary posts by you! Based solely on your posts, I can see WHY your STBX wants out.

Even though my Ex lied, cheated and was physically and mentally abusive, I know that our marriage didn't fall apart all because of him. There were things I could have done (especially early on in our 15 year marriage...) to possible make the marriage work. You and apparently your therapist/counselor are sadly mistaken in blaming the possible divorce solely on her!! Actually I'm appalled that a therapist/counselor would actually say that. Of course, the counselor is hearing ONLY your side--just like we are (I'm reminded of the counselor who told my Ex that he wouldn't be abusive to me if I didn't "push his buttons"). However, I am picking up some pretty telling things in your posts and have drawn an opinion of you that is less than flattering

That being said, get an attorney and move forward with the divorce. Get over how she "done you wrong". Get over how she is the "villian" and make a life for yourself NOW.

Pray to your deity of choice for help in moving forward. Lean on your faith and quit laying blame. It does absolutely, positively NO GOOD to continue blaming her at this point. Work on coming to the realization that perhaps your deity of choice has a new (and maybe better) plan for you.

 

[Proserpina]

This is one OP who unfortunately cannot - at this point - get much help here. (That's not the fault of the volunteers, btw).

He needs to be much further along emotionally and psychologically before he's able to accept the reality - his marriage is over, and it's now just business.

I'm not a doctor, nor an attorney. But even a layman can see the obvious (as most of us did). OP does need help, that's true - it's just that we can't provide the help he needs right now.