So lost, broke, and need help - divorce from violent spouse with mental illness

[needlegalhelpa]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NC

Thank God we have no children together...

Married a man who seemed almost too good to be true... turns out he was. Preys on recently divorced women who are having a hard time, which I was. Previous marriage to man with anger issues ended in bankruptcy after he spent enough in court to pay for all the kids to go to an ivy league college just to "financially ruin me". Nevermind he was cheating on me, with men.

Anyway, I got conned. This guy has a PhD and makes $120+ a year. I had similar job in IT. When 2 of my children became quite ill with autoimmune disease, could not sell my house, legal fees stacking up, his money was going to his ex-spouse behind my back, and I was supporting us mostly, as best I could. He had to "take care of the mother of his children". Nice sentiment, isn't helping me any now. He was after my house/money/equity. He wanted a better life for his kids since his ex was putting the CS in retirement accounts for herself and the kids had nothing. Also a nice sentiment, but I have 3 kids too, and they needed taken care of.

As the 5 years passed, and he realized his kids weren't getting my money, and I expected him to share the financial load, and I lost my job because I was handling all the things he didn't want to be bothered with while our lives caved in around us, he revealed he had come off his meds for several mental illnesses, started beating on himself, threatening me and my children, doing physical damage to the house, etc. After he told me he was leaving me 100 times, disappeared many nights, and I have reasonable evidence he had a new gf (prey), I gave him an ultimatum, and he finally left with the help of a visit from my father and threat of a restraining order.

So now, he's dragged out settling things for almost a year. I can only afford to have the lawyer draft an agreement, and can't afford to talk to him much, but he told me this week to learn the word "projection". Every time we have an agreement, he can't produce documents, proof of retirement funds, or comes up with one more hair-brained scheme or idea he wants implemented that usually isn't legal.

Additionally, and this is actually my question, we can't seem to settle on alimony. I became disabled 3 yrs into the marriage. Just before he left, I needed spinal fusion surgery in my neck, which he couldn't help me with, so I delayed having it. I can now barely walk most days, and can't use my arms for much other than self care. So, in short, much more disabled due to the delay in surgery, and medical issues that caused long-term damage from during the marriage. I am clearly the dependent spouse. I have 3 kids living with me in the house he insisted we buy so his kids could have their own rooms, stuck here due to a forbearance agreement to stop foreclosure after bankruptcy. I've spent $10k repairing the house (not just fixing up, I'm talking major damage just so it's livable) from maintenance he refused to do or help pay for during the marriage because he didn't believe in it. His being homeless most of his life probably contributed to his thinking that home maintenance was just my hobby, not necessary. His name is on the deed and loan - is he responsible for any of these expenses?

So, he makes $120k+, I make $48k, I live in a house I can't afford, and he's living with friends and family. He's got an arrangement with his employer, when it's convenient, where they "furlough" him, but he keeps working. Then he goes back to work, and claims all the hours he worked and gets paid then.

Aside from the fact that I only married him after he promised me he would not leave me and take care of me forever (yeah, I'm a moron), what is reasonable alimony in term and amount? We had initially agreed on 2200/mo for 2.5 yrs, but there's no agreement signed, so he sends what he pleases and enjoys my having to ask for more. He then sends angry emails telling me why I don't deserve whatever we agreed to.

He sortof has an atty - he pays her to talk to mine, but she is not retained. He modifies the agreement and has her send it to my atty, so I have to pay him to fix it, and re-argue all he changed.

Is there a better way"? This is obviously not working, and I don't know what is reasonable given his extra-marital behavior, violence, and that I am a disabled, dependent spouse with 3 kids.

Help?

 

[Zigner]

What does your attorney say?

 

[Proserpina]

Are you getting child support from the father/s of your children?

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NC

Thank God we have no children together...

Married a man who seemed almost too good to be true... turns out he was. Preys on recently divorced women who are having a hard time, which I was. Previous marriage to man with anger issues ended in bankruptcy after he spent enough in court to pay for all the kids to go to an ivy league college just to "financially ruin me". Nevermind he was cheating on me, with men.

Anyway, I got conned. This guy has a PhD and makes $120+ a year. I had similar job in IT. When 2 of my children became quite ill with autoimmune disease, could not sell my house, legal fees stacking up, his money was going to his ex-spouse behind my back, and I was supporting us mostly, as best I could. He had to "take care of the mother of his children". Nice sentiment, isn't helping me any now. He was after my house/money/equity. He wanted a better life for his kids since his ex was putting the CS in retirement accounts for herself and the kids had nothing. Also a nice sentiment, but I have 3 kids too, and they needed taken care of.

As the 5 years passed, and he realized his kids weren't getting my money, and I expected him to share the financial load, and I lost my job because I was handling all the things he didn't want to be bothered with while our lives caved in around us, he revealed he had come off his meds for several mental illnesses, started beating on himself, threatening me and my children, doing physical damage to the house, etc. After he told me he was leaving me 100 times, disappeared many nights, and I have reasonable evidence he had a new gf (prey), I gave him an ultimatum, and he finally left with the help of a visit from my father and threat of a restraining order.

So now, he's dragged out settling things for almost a year. I can only afford to have the lawyer draft an agreement, and can't afford to talk to him much, but he told me this week to learn the word "projection". Every time we have an agreement, he can't produce documents, proof of retirement funds, or comes up with one more hair-brained scheme or idea he wants implemented that usually isn't legal.

Additionally, and this is actually my question, we can't seem to settle on alimony. I became disabled 3 yrs into the marriage. Just before he left, I needed spinal fusion surgery in my neck, which he couldn't help me with, so I delayed having it. I can now barely walk most days, and can't use my arms for much other than self care. So, in short, much more disabled due to the delay in surgery, and medical issues that caused long-term damage from during the marriage. I am clearly the dependent spouse. I have 3 kids living with me in the house he insisted we buy so his kids could have their own rooms, stuck here due to a forbearance agreement to stop foreclosure after bankruptcy. I've spent $10k repairing the house (not just fixing up, I'm talking major damage just so it's livable) from maintenance he refused to do or help pay for during the marriage because he didn't believe in it. His being homeless most of his life probably contributed to his thinking that home maintenance was just my hobby, not necessary. His name is on the deed and loan - is he responsible for any of these expenses?

So, he makes $120k+, I make $48k, I live in a house I can't afford, and he's living with friends and family. He's got an arrangement with his employer, when it's convenient, where they "furlough" him, but he keeps working. Then he goes back to work, and claims all the hours he worked and gets paid then.

Aside from the fact that I only married him after he promised me he would not leave me and take care of me forever (yeah, I'm a moron), what is reasonable alimony in term and amount? We had initially agreed on 2200/mo for 2.5 yrs, but there's no agreement signed, so he sends what he pleases and enjoys my having to ask for more. He then sends angry emails telling me why I don't deserve whatever we agreed to.

He sortof has an atty - he pays her to talk to mine, but she is not retained. He modifies the agreement and has her send it to my atty, so I have to pay him to fix it, and re-argue all he changed.

Is there a better way"? This is obviously not working, and I don't know what is reasonable given his extra-marital behavior, violence, and that I am a disabled, dependent spouse with 3 kids.

Help?

How old are the children and are they your current husbands children as well?

 

[Proserpina]

From OP's post:

Thank God we have no children together...

 

[xylene]

I make $48k,

I am a disabled, dependent spouse with 3 kids.

You alone make more than the median HOUSEHOLD income by working. You are not disabled.

The 3 children a from a prior marriage and are irrelevant to your current divorce. Why are you not receiving child support already?


You could support a nice household at your income. Sell the house and get an apartment.

 

[needlegalhelpa]

You alone make more than the median HOUSEHOLD income by working. You are not disabled.

The 3 children a from a prior marriage and are irrelevant to your current divorce. Why are you not receiving child support already?


You could support a nice household at your income. Sell the house and get an apartment.

How do you figure I can support one child in college, all 3 are special needs, we average $28k in medical bills a year, and I pay 15% of that 48k in taxes, in an area where apartments are $1200 and up/month for a 3 bedroom?

Food? car for the oldest to get to community college? I wish I lived in your world.

I get CS for 1 of the children. The other 2- the fathers do not help out financially and are not legally obligated to do so. One is too old, and the other, the father spent $95k in court (hired "expert witness"), I could not compete with, proving that it was my fault she wanted nothing to do with a father who drinks too much and trashes her mother constantly in front of her. CSE won't touch the case due to the judge involved. Too bad he didn't just give her the money.

Can't sell the house - it's worth $100k less than I owe on it, and I'm recently out of a bankruptcy, so I can't even rent.

Next idea?

Any input on the alimony? How am I not disabled? Any helpful advice?

 

[needlegalhelpa]

How old are the children and are they your current husbands children as well?

20 (disabled), 16 (serious medical issues), and 13 (autism). No, they are not his. They are from a previous marriage.

 

[needlegalhelpa]

What does your attorney say?

That I've spent my retainer and he wants to be done with it since I'm out of money.

...

After, he gave me a lot of advice about what we would fight for, then conceded on EVERY point. Thus the spent retainer.

 

[ecmst12]

Even if you get some alimony it won't be for very long, with such a short term marriage.

Stop supporting your adult child. He can take out student loans and get a job to get through college. Money for college for your kids comes after you have a place to sleep and food on the table for you and your minor children.

 

[xylene]

How am I not disabled?

You participate in the labor market and personally earn a higher income than over half the households in the United States.

You need to refocus on your current divorce and not your perceived slights from a previous marriage.

 

[tuffbrk]

Did a doctor declare you to be disabled? If so, have you applied to obtain SSDI?

 

[Silverplum]

Because I don't think you understand what matters in your current case and what doesn't matter, I'm going to respond to your post in pieces and see if I can help you that way:

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NC

Thank God we have no children together...

That sentence is very key. Legally, he owes nothing at all to your children. You owe nothing at all to his. Despite the past decisions you made in the marriage.

Married a man who seemed almost too good to be true... turns out he was. Preys on recently divorced women who are having a hard time, which I was.

It doesn't matter, legally, for you.

Previous marriage to man with anger issues ended in bankruptcy after he spent enough in court to pay for all the kids to go to an ivy league college just to "financially ruin me". Nevermind he was cheating on me, with men.

Doesn't matter at all in this current case. The only issue in your current marriage is your current marriage.

Anyway, I got conned. This guy has a PhD and makes $120+ a year. I had similar job in IT. When 2 of my children became quite ill with autoimmune disease, could not sell my house, legal fees stacking up, his money was going to his ex-spouse behind my back, and I was supporting us mostly, as best I could. He had to "take care of the mother of his children". Nice sentiment, isn't helping me any now. He was after my house/money/equity. He wanted a better life for his kids since his ex was putting the CS in retirement accounts for herself and the kids had nothing. Also a nice sentiment, but I have 3 kids too, and they needed taken care of.

As the 5 years passed, and he realized his kids weren't getting my money, and I expected him to share the financial load, and I lost my job because I was handling all the things he didn't want to be bothered with while our lives caved in around us,

None of that matters, legally.

he revealed he had come off his meds for several mental illnesses, started beating on himself, threatening me and my children, doing physical damage to the house, etc. After he told me he was leaving me 100 times, disappeared many nights, and I have reasonable evidence he had a new gf (prey), I gave him an ultimatum, and he finally left with the help of a visit from my father and threat of a restraining order.

What did you do during that time period? Did you ever call the cops, make a report? Anything at all with the legal system? Just a threat of a restraining order?

So now, he's dragged out settling things for almost a year. I can only afford to have the lawyer draft an agreement, and can't afford to talk to him much,

That's where you seek out other help, like this site.

but he told me this week to learn the word "projection".

Your soon-to-be-ex? Or your attorney?

Every time we have an agreement, he can't produce documents, proof of retirement funds, or comes up with one more hair-brained scheme or idea he wants implemented that usually isn't legal.

Your X is not cooperative. It happens.

Additionally, and this is actually my question, we can't seem to settle on alimony. I became disabled 3 yrs into the marriage. Just before he left, I needed spinal fusion surgery in my neck, which he couldn't help me with, so I delayed having it. I can now barely walk most days, and can't use my arms for much other than self care. So, in short, much more disabled due to the delay in surgery, and medical issues that caused long-term damage from during the marriage. I am clearly the dependent spouse.

As you were asked by tuffbrk, have you been Officially Declared disabled by your doctor?

I also don't see you as "clearly the dependent spouse." I see that you have made some bad decisions

Do you still work in IT and make $48K/yr??

I have 3 kids living with me in the house he insisted we buy so his kids could have their own rooms, stuck here due to a forbearance agreement to stop foreclosure after bankruptcy. I've spent $10k repairing the house (not just fixing up, I'm talking major damage just so it's livable) from maintenance he refused to do or help pay for during the marriage because he didn't believe in it. His being homeless most of his life probably contributed to his thinking that home maintenance was just my hobby, not necessary. His name is on the deed and loan - is he responsible for any of these expenses?

Not likely. It's a decision you made, regardless of the reasons.

And the 3 kids are not his. You should be receiving support from their father/s. I see one is over the age of majority, and so (legally) he's on his own.

So, he makes $120k+, I make $48k, I live in a house I can't afford, and he's living with friends and family. He's got an arrangement with his employer, when it's convenient, where they "furlough" him, but he keeps working. Then he goes back to work, and claims all the hours he worked and gets paid then.

As long as he pays taxes, that's irrelevant, even to the Dreaded IRS.

Aside from the fact that I only married him after he promised me he would not leave me and take care of me forever (yeah, I'm a moron), what is reasonable alimony in term and amount?

We don't calculate alimony (or other things) here. Too many variables, we can't see the paperwork, etc. I don't know of any state alimony calculators online. Very generally, you might get alimony for a length of time that equals half the length of time you were married. You'd take the difference between incomes and sort of equalize them. Don't take that as gospel, don't count on anything. It's all very individual.

We had initially agreed on 2200/mo for 2.5 yrs, but there's no agreement signed, so he sends what he pleases and enjoys my having to ask for more. He then sends angry emails telling me why I don't deserve whatever we agreed to.

See what you can do to get your attorney to file for an order for temporary spousal support. He can't break a court order without answering to a judge.

Ask your attorney also about filing a motion to hold him responsible for your attorney fees.

He sortof has an atty - he pays her to talk to mine, but she is not retained. He modifies the agreement and has her send it to my atty, so I have to pay him to fix it, and re-argue all he changed.

Is there a better way"? This is obviously not working, and I don't know what is reasonable given his extra-marital behavior, violence, and that I am a disabled, dependent spouse with 3 kids.

Help?

Good luck to you.

 

[Banned_Princess]

I get CS for 1 of the children. The other 2- the fathers do not help out financially and are not legally obligated to do so. One is too old, and the other, the father spent $95k in court CSE won't touch the case due to the judge involved. Too bad he didn't just give her the money.

Any input on the alimony? How am I not disabled? Any helpful advice?

20 (disabled), 16 (serious medical issues), and 13 (autism). No, they are not his. They are from a previous marriage.

so 3 children, 3 fathers, and now you want a 4th man to pay for you and your 3 children to live after a short 5 year marrage?

1. your oldest needs a job. 2. you need to downgrade. just walk away from the house. you can rent, bankruptsy doesnt prevent that.

3. you make too much money. "fully disabled" makes 45k a year. Seriously, millions of people dont make that. working perfectly abled. and I'm sure some of them have more children, and more severly diabled children. why dont THEY get disability? they probably qualify.

you are not going to get this guy to take care of you and your children, for any reason. and you are obviously not THAT disabled if you pull 45K a year. c'mon.

OH excuse me 48

 

[anearthw]

He makes $120k, you make $48k, you've got 3 kids with 3 different fathers and want him to support you financially after a 5 year marriage.... I can only imagine that he probably considers you the predator? $2200/month for 2.5 years on a 5 year marriage w/no children seems rather reasonable.