Kinda O/T: A Good Article on DV, since it is DV Month:

[breezymom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? All

http://www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=279

I suppose I found this to be a good article because of my bias, since it is all too familiar.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? All

http://www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=279

I suppose I found this to be a good article because of my bias, since it is all too familiar.

I think that is a very excellent article with a ton of good information. The thing that kind of amazes me is that I see in some of our posters the very factors discussed in the article.

It is however, a very long one, so make sure you have time to give it 30 minutes or so to read.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

Cast a net as wide as that article and you can catch 95% of the population in it easily. It reminds me of how the state highway patrol always classifies any accident they did not find attributable to any other specific thing, as speed related.

 

[Zigner]

A sophisticated understanding of the mind of the abuser, his style as a parent, and of the tactics that he most commonly employs during separation and divorce, are essential to anyone making custody recommendations or working to design visitation plans that are safe for the children and their mother.

Is this article really making the blanket statement that MEN are the batterers...?

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

A sophisticated understanding of the mind of the abuser, his style as a parent, and of the tactics that he most commonly employs during separation and divorce, are essential to anyone making custody recommendations or working to design visitation plans that are safe for the children and their mother.

Is this article really making the blanket statement that MEN are the batterers...?

The author notes since it is usually men that are the batterers she uses the gender context for ease of understanding. Heaven forbid a woman, sitting at home, with no job outside the home, would want to consider she might be part of the problem. Thus leading to the popularity of her article I presume. I'm lucky, my wife has reached the point in her career where she is close to passing me with her success.

 

[anearthw]

I do take great issue with this statement:

I also have drawn from numerous published studies, several of which are listed in the back of this article. [I have chosen for reasons of ease to refer to the abuser as "he" and the victim as "she," but I am aware that there is a small percentage of cases of domestic violence to which this language does not apply.

Is it really a small percentage? I don't know and to be fair, I don't think anyone can know due to the nature of (a lack of) reporting of DV incidents. However, I spent 10 years as a 911 dispatcher and found a great deal of batterers to be female and their victims male. Many of those female batterers also saw no issue with smacking or hitting their man ("yeah so what I smacked him..."), as if it didn't count. And I really can't recall many men even wishing to admit it either.

The article has great principles but I do worry about the downplay of DV against men (as well as between gay or lesbian couples).

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

Personally, though I find the article over-reaching, I think it does an excellent job of highlighting some of the indicators to potential domestic violence situations.

No one in a relationship is perfect. Long term marriages are founded on the dedication of two people, attempting to create and maintain a stable state of bliss together. To reach that goal, they need to analyze their faults and work out the co-mingling of their strengths and weaknesses. This also means being open to the concept of their partner needing to separate from the relationship and supporting that possible eventuality.

 

[nextwife]

In Sunday's incident here, the perpetrator had purchased a gun privately on Saturday to use on Sunday. The restraining order had required him to turn in his weapons two days earlier.

Why should private sellers not need to do any verifications or checks whether the party to whom they are selling is allowed to have a gun?

I also believe we parents should teach our sons and daughters that BOTH spouses should always maintain money, credit, income ability and assets of their "own". The ability to more easilly walk from a bad situation is related to one's economic independence.

 

[CJane]

The author notes since it is usually men that are the batterers she uses the gender context for ease of understanding. Heaven forbid a woman, sitting at home, with no job outside the home, would want to consider she might be part of the problem. Thus leading to the popularity of her article I presume. I'm lucky, my wife has reached the point in her career where she is close to passing me with her success.

Really? Welcome to 1950. I guess I should be thankful that I was working full time while being battered - otherwise, it might have been even worse, and I would have had to absorb the fault as well as the punches.

Zigner - Gender references shall apply equally to either gender.

 

[tuffbrk]

Cjane - very gracefully said. Much nicer than what I had in mind to write!

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

Really? Welcome to 1950. I guess I should be thankful that I was working full time while being battered - otherwise, it might have been even worse, and I would have had to absorb the fault as well as the punches.

Zigner - Gender references shall apply equally to either gender.

It wasn't meant that way, honest.

 

[Zigner]

Zigner - Gender references shall apply equally to either gender.

Touché

 

[breezymom]

I knew the gender thing would get folks, but yes, most of the reported issues are male on female. Articles/books, writing in general gets awfully tricky if written, for example, the following ways:

He/she would then go to the store. He/she would get into the car and go home. He/she loves to go for long drives.

as well as:

He would then go to the store. She would get into the car and go home. He loves to go for long drives.

The first is just purely a hard read. The latter is confusing as about whom the writer is speaking at any given time.

That is why usually an author chooses one gender or the other and writes a disclaimer clause. It's not to single out one gender or the other.

But I'm with Cjane on this. It was better that I WAS working. Although he had to know who I was with and when even while I was at work. I was interrogated daily and it still wasn't enough, as he was catching people who were patrons at his job that worked with me at mine, and questioning them about what I was doing, when, and who with.

Yeah, I was part of the problem: I finally spoke up about it and left. Other than that, I went to work, came home, took care of the child who wasn't mine when the child was visiting. I answered all his questions about who I was with all day and where I was. Oh wait...that's right...I wasn't allowed to go let my dog out at home, but I did. I wasn't allowed to speak to my family, but I snuck away and did. I wasn't allowed to go give my elderly grandmother her medications, but again, I did. Those things all caused big issues between us, along with the fact that I couldn't get a car seat into the car and buckle it up properly in 30 seconds or less with him screaming at me to hurry so he could run from the cops. Yes, I suppose I caused a lot of issues.

 

[breezymom]

By the way, did I use all my "likes," because I can't hit like on anything anymore. =-/

 

[CJane]

Are you using Chrome? I can't "like" anything or quote anything with Chrome anymore - only IE.