What info should be shared when co-parenting?

[MomGT123]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

I would love the advice of some of the volunteers who have been here a while. I have a thread in child support, but this doesn't belong there so I have started another one.

What type of information should be communicated between two ex's who share a child or children? For example, I am completely in agreement that anything directly affecting the children such as medical, education, etc. should be discussed between both parents. As well as information that involves the children being directly in danger such as being around a molestor, murderer, or anyone involved in drugs in any way that the kids are being exposed to and endangered by.

The following two things I am unsure as to whether it would be necessary to disclose to the other parent or not.

My boyfriend at the time (this is approx. 4 years ago) entered rehab voluntarily and has been clean for over 3 years now (I have hair follicles and random UA's as proof with no lapse in coverage). The second I found out until a spot opened up for him at the facility and he completed treatment, I did not allow him to be at the house when the kids were with me. There were times I would take them to a park or stop by his mom's and say hi so that the kids could see him because they were becoming attached to him. However, they were NEVER alone with him and we never remained with him for an extended period of time since I knew what was going on, even though he was on a waiting list at the time. I felt that I was protecting my children by keeping them from being exposed to him actively using in the house where we were living as well as any other behaviors that may have occurred as a result. The childrens' father just recently revealed to me that he knew about it and said that because of that and something else (I'll talk about below) he is not comfortable changing over to a 50/50 arrangement. I did offer to give him all test results but he said it wasn't necessary.

The other situation actually occurred earlier in the relationship. Five years prior to meeting my b/f then, husband now, he had received a DUI and his case was continually pushed back because he had several medical issues at the time. When we got together, all he was lacking were the required alcohol classes. Between doctor visits, outpatient procedures and money he was having a hard time keeping up with these. He went to his probation officer and asked if it would be possilbe to serve the remainder of his sentence in jail to have it over and done with (he attended similar classes while there). He accepted 45 days to have his probation completed. The act that caused this probation occurred 5 years before any of us knew him, nothing similar had happened since then and jail was only because he offered since he knew he was falling behind on the required classes. The kids knew absolutely nothing about this, I simply told them that he was visiting family for a while. My ex also felt that I was required to tell him all about that as well.

While I can understand his concern since he only knows what other people tell him (who even knew about any of this, I have no clue), was I wrong in not telling him this information? I sincerely felt that the children were not affected since one situation had absolutely nothing to do with present actions and during the other one they had minimal contact with him that was 100% supervised by me and I have evidence showing that he has been clean for quite some time. They were also young enough at the time that they didn't really ask too many questions beyond the initial ones - they were more focused on playing and spending time with me.

If I was completely negligent in telling their Dad information that I should have, then I would like to know so that I can properly acknowledge and apologize for it.

Side note: Since rehab, he has completely turned his life around. I know there is always a risk of relapse but thus far he has done an amazing job improving his life. Clean, attending school, etc.

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

I would love the advice of some of the volunteers who have been here a while. I have a thread in child support, but this doesn't belong there so I have started another one.

What type of information should be communicated between two ex's who share a child or children? For example, I am completely in agreement that anything directly affecting the children such as medical, education, etc. should be discussed between both parents. As well as information that involves the children being directly in danger such as being around a molestor, murderer, or anyone involved in drugs in any way that the kids are being exposed to and endangered by.

The following two things I am unsure as to whether it would be necessary to disclose to the other parent or not.

My boyfriend at the time (this is approx. 4 years ago) entered rehab voluntarily and has been clean for over 3 years now (I have hair follicles and random UA's as proof with no lapse in coverage). The second I found out until a spot opened up for him at the facility and he completed treatment, I did not allow him to be at the house when the kids were with me. There were times I would take them to a park or stop by his mom's and say hi so that the kids could see him because they were becoming attached to him. However, they were NEVER alone with him and we never remained with him for an extended period of time since I knew what was going on, even though he was on a waiting list at the time. I felt that I was protecting my children by keeping them from being exposed to him actively using in the house where we were living as well as any other behaviors that may have occurred as a result. The childrens' father just recently revealed to me that he knew about it and said that because of that and something else (I'll talk about below) he is not comfortable changing over to a 50/50 arrangement. I did offer to give him all test results but he said it wasn't necessary.

The other situation actually occurred earlier in the relationship. Five years prior to meeting my b/f then, husband now, he had received a DUI and his case was continually pushed back because he had several medical issues at the time. When we got together, all he was lacking were the required alcohol classes. Between doctor visits, outpatient procedures and money he was having a hard time keeping up with these. He went to his probation officer and asked if it would be possilbe to serve the remainder of his sentence in jail to have it over and done with (he attended similar classes while there). He accepted 45 days to have his probation completed. The act that caused this probation occurred 5 years before any of us knew him, nothing similar had happened since then and jail was only because he offered since he knew he was falling behind on the required classes. The kids knew absolutely nothing about this, I simply told them that he was visiting family for a while. My ex also felt that I was required to tell him all about that as well.

While I can understand his concern since he only knows what other people tell him (who even knew about any of this, I have no clue), was I wrong in not telling him this information? I sincerely felt that the children were not affected since one situation had absolutely nothing to do with present actions and during the other one they had minimal contact with him that was 100% supervised by me and I have evidence showing that he has been clean for quite some time. They were also young enough at the time that they didn't really ask too many questions beyond the initial ones - they were more focused on playing and spending time with me.

If I was completely negligent in telling their Dad information that I should have, then I would like to know so that I can properly acknowledge and apologize for it.

Side note: Since rehab, he has completely turned his life around. I know there is always a risk of relapse but thus far he has done an amazing job improving his life. Clean, attending school, etc.

You are under no obligation to tell dad anything about your bf or husband. However this does not preclude him from acting on any information he may receive from other sources.

 

[Ohiogal]

If dad's girlfriend were a drug addict would you want to know? If dad had primary custody of the children, what information would you want to know about their lives? Would you want to know if anyone in the house was using illegal drugs? Would you want to know if anyone was convicted of a crime? If dad's girlfriend were using meth, would you want her around your children even if dad was there?

 

[MomGT123]

If dad's girlfriend were a drug addict would you want to know? If dad had primary custody of the children, what information would you want to know about their lives? Would you want to know if anyone in the house was using illegal drugs? Would you want to know if anyone was convicted of a crime? If dad's girlfriend were using meth, would you want her around your children even if dad was there?

And that's my dilemma because I do see his side and understand why he's not just completely fine with it. He worries about our children just like I do. I too would be upset if I found this information out. However, I also trust my ex enough to know that if his gf/wife/whoever was actively using he would take the proper steps to protect them and absolutely never leave them alone with her or anyone else. I would be upset, but would not say that I was uncomfortable with our children being with HIM, the user yes, but not him as long as he was with those children 100% and had enough common sense to avoid any unfortunate situations or take care of them immediately if they did occur. I would actually be impressed if he chose to have her out of the house whenever the children were over there (and I'm not saying that just because I did that). I feel that is responsible parenting by separating the children from the user until they get the help they need. A big part of my comfort level would be whether or not there were any steps being taken to remedy the situation such as her leaving or pursuing help. I would also expect him to take further action if she went through rehab and continued to relapse and began acting in ways that were endangering our children.

If the crime were along the lines of child endangerment and/or abuse, domestic violence and I'm sure there are others but they escape me right now I would not be ok with that. However, if it was a misdemeanor such as a DUI, possession, petty theft or anything on the smaller scale of things that had occurred years before this person was ever in our lives it would not be a huge deal. Of course, I would be hesitant and a little wary but I don't feel that I would have the right to demand this person not be around our kids or that he should even be required to tell me about her past.

Perhaps my view comes from living with an alcoholic mother and having experience dealing with that and learning to avoid dramatic situations when possible. My standards may be a little lower knowing that they are not being subjected to anything even close to what I grew up enduring on my own. I felt that keeping distance between them and the user was the proper thing to do until help was received and continued evidence of the change was being provided to me. Part me wants to apologize because he is upset and I do want to maintain a good co-parenting relationship and the other part wants to tell him that it's none of his business (especially 4 years later, when he tries to use it against me) as long as the children were safe. If he was so worried, I don't see why he didn't confront me then and I would have given him full disclosure of everything going on.

I do appreciate both the of the perspectives that I have been given thus far.

 

[single317dad]

OP, if I was dad here I would be less interested in knowing all the sordid details of the men in your life than I would be in knowing that you were reconsidering the type of people you associate with and taking steps to avoid these people in the future. I sincerely hope you do.

 

[Ohiogal]

And that's my dilemma because I do see his side and understand why he's not just completely fine with it. He worries about our children just like I do. I too would be upset if I found this information out.

Yet you felt fine keeping such "upsetting" information from him. While LEGALLY you may not have to tell him, not telling him can irreparably harm your coparenting relationship. Why should he trust you when you were not 100% honest with him regarding the children and who they were exposed to?

However, I also trust my ex enough to know that if his gf/wife/whoever was actively using he would take the proper steps to protect them and absolutely never leave them alone with her or anyone else.

So you never slept in the home while your drug addict boyfriend was there?

I would be upset, but would not say that I was uncomfortable with our children being with HIM, the user yes, but not him as long as he was with those children 100% and had enough common sense to avoid any unfortunate situations or take care of them immediately if they did occur. I would actually be impressed if he chose to have her out of the house whenever the children were over there (and I'm not saying that just because I did that). I feel that is responsible parenting by separating the children from the user until they get the help they need. A big part of my comfort level would be whether or not there were any steps being taken to remedy the situation such as her leaving or pursuing help. I would also expect him to take further action if she went through rehab and continued to relapse and began acting in ways that were endangering our children.

Addicts are dangerous to children because they are not in control of themselves.

If the crime were along the lines of child endangerment and/or abuse, domestic violence and I'm sure there are others but they escape me right now I would not be ok with that. However, if it was a misdemeanor such as a DUI, possession, petty theft or anything on the smaller scale of things that had occurred years before this person was ever in our lives it would not be a huge deal. Of course, I would be hesitant and a little wary but I don't feel that I would have the right to demand this person not be around our kids or that he should even be required to tell me about her past.

Well he can act on the information he knows and attempt to get an order restricting your husband's access to his children.

Perhaps my view comes from living with an alcoholic mother and having experience dealing with that and learning to avoid dramatic situations when possible. My standards may be a little lower knowing that they are not being subjected to anything even close to what I grew up enduring on my own. I felt that keeping distance between them and the user was the proper thing to do until help was received and continued evidence of the change was being provided to me. Part me wants to apologize because he is upset and I do want to maintain a good co-parenting relationship and the other part wants to tell him that it's none of his business (especially 4 years later, when he tries to use it against me) as long as the children were safe. If he was so worried, I don't see why he didn't confront me then and I would have given him full disclosure of everything going on.

When did he find out the information? YOu can't really know when btw because YOU aren't the one who told him.
Why should he trust what you say about it since you HID it from him to begin with?
Again legally you may not have had to tell him but keeping that secret has most likely damaged your coparenting relationship and it may not be able to be repaired.

 

[MomGT123]

Yet you felt fine keeping such "upsetting" information from him. While LEGALLY you may not have to tell him, not telling him can irreparably harm your coparenting relationship. Why should he trust you when you were not 100% honest with him regarding the children and who they were exposed to?

I agree that the trust factor will have to be re-built over an extended period of time. I in no way expect him to just automatically assume that everything I tell him is the absolute truth.

So you never slept in the home while your drug addict boyfriend was there?

Actually, no. I made him stay with his mom if the kids were at the house. I didn't want him or anything he might have on him inside my house at any time, much less with children there and I could never be 100% sure they wouldn't find something they shouldn't themselves. The most contact they had with him during that period was in public places or 10-15 minutes at his mom's, just to say hi.

Addicts are dangerous to children because they are not in control of themselves.

Well he can act on the information he knows and attempt to get an order restricting your husband's access to his children.

When did he find out the information? YOu can't really know when btw because YOU aren't the one who told him.

He's very unlikely to go to court but I wouldn't say it could never happen. According to him, he knew when it was occurring. While I can't be positive, I do believe that if he had just found out he would have been a lot angrier. He almost seemed accepting of it and only brought it up when I mentioned something that was bothering me (it was in regards to being informed of activities involving the kids before they occurred rather than afterwards).

Why should he trust what you say about it since you HID it from him to begin with?
Again legally you may not have had to tell him but keeping that secret has most likely damaged your coparenting relationship and it may not be able to be repaired.

Again, I agree that he doesn't have to trust me knowing that there was information that I didn't tell him. At the time, I wasn't thinking in terms of "Oh my God, he can never find out" but more that what my bf was going through was a very private matter and since he was leading the charge to get himself help and not seeing the kids except for the occasional public outing or brief visit at his mom's, I almost felt like it wasn't my place to tell people what he was going through.

I do understand where you are coming from and even where he is, to a certain extent. I guess I'm just more confused about it since he waited until now to bring it up, throw it in my face and use it as a reason to put me down as a mother. We never had any problems at all until we started discussing changing the physical custody arrangement and suddenly he has a completely different demeanor to me.

I still stand by my thought that the jail thing that had nothing to do with anything done in the past five years was completely none of his business and the kids were, without a question, not threatened in any possible way. I do however go back and forth on the other issue from a moral and then a legal standpoint. For a while, I supposed I will just have to bend over backwards (to a certain extent) in order to regain the trust (that I didn't even know had been compromised for 4 years now) and get back to where we had been up until a few weeks ago.

Again, thank you for your insight...even if it's not exactly what I want to hear, I didn't come here just to be told I'm right if I'm not.

 

[Just Blue]

I will admit that I only perused this thread, but I have to ask...WHY on GODS GREEN EARTH would you "date" this guy???

 

[MomGT123]

I will admit that I only perused this thread, but I have to ask...WHY on GODS GREEN EARTH would you "date" this guy???

1) The DUI was far in his past and there were no other signs of anything of that nature at the beginning of our relationship.

2) The rehab incident occurred when we were a bit more serious and as long as he was a willing participant in getting help, then I was going to support him. He got help, attended meetings, submitted to constant random testing to prove his sobriety and now has completely turned his life around. It's not a situation where this was ongoing. It was a rough patch, we got through it and learned from it. I'm not going to desert someone who I care about and is willing to get help as long as it's not an ongoing cycle of relapse, help, relapse, help, etc. My mom is an alcoholic who has refused to admit to anything in over 20 years so I can see the difference between what she's doing (which I would never support or stick around for) and what he did, which was immediately confess to his problem and take the initiative to do something about it. A drug problem is a drug problem but he had been on painkillers for almost 9 years at that point due to a broken back in 2000 that no doctors could seem to properly fix. His body became dependent and then craved those painkillers which is how his problem began. Since his stint in rehab he has had at least 7 additional surgeries where he has taken his medication for only a portion of the time for which he is prescribed medicine and then flushes the rest down the toilet once his pain is tolerable. His actions since rehab are far more than I can say for a lot of people who suffer from similar problems.

Just because someone suffers from an alcohol or drug problem, doesn't mean that they're a bad person. How they choose to handle it is what shows what kind of person they are. I know those outside of the medical profession don't always understand but it can be a true illness. In his case, his entire brain chemistry was altered after being on those medications that long. That is why he refuses to use them unless absolutely necessary and even then, for the minimal amount of time after painful surgeries (two extensive back surgeries, shoulder repair, two ACL surgeries, exploratory surgery for internal bleeding and a massive nose bleed that required emergency surgery with his name being on a transfusion watch list and his nose being painfully packed full of anything and everything the surgeons could think of to stop the bleeding.) He's still in pain everyday but thankfully, the last back surgery fixed the majority of his back pain so his pain is at least manageable without resorting to pain medication.

 

[Ohiogal]

I do understand where you are coming from and even where he is, to a certain extent. I guess I'm just more confused about it since he waited until now to bring it up, throw it in my face and use it as a reason to put me down as a mother. We never had any problems at all until we started discussing changing the physical custody arrangement and suddenly he has a completely different demeanor to me.

I still stand by my thought that the jail thing that had nothing to do with anything done in the past five years was completely none of his business and the kids were, without a question, not threatened in any possible way. I do however go back and forth on the other issue from a moral and then a legal standpoint. For a while, I supposed I will just have to bend over backwards (to a certain extent) in order to regain the trust (that I didn't even know had been compromised for 4 years now) and get back to where we had been up until a few weeks ago.

Again, thank you for your insight...even if it's not exactly what I want to hear, I didn't come here just to be told I'm right if I'm not.

Regarding the bolded:
1) Who initiated the discussion regarding changing the physical custody arrangement?
2) Why?
3) What suggestions have been made as to how it should be changed?

 

[MomGT123]

Regarding the bolded:
1) Who initiated the discussion regarding changing the physical custody arrangement?
2) Why?
3) What suggestions have been made as to how it should be changed?

Dad and I have talked about it since we split up years ago. We wanted to wait until the kids were old enough to be able to handle the mental aspect of going back and forth between houses every week. We are going to wait until this school year is over to give the kids over the summer to adjust. If it appears that one or both of the kids are having a difficult time adjusting, then we will address it at that point (preferably before the next school year starts). Whether that means going to a counselor to get to the bottom of it or reverting to the previous schedule with additional mid-week visits added in.

We both feel that it is important to have both of their parents in their lives as much as possible and in order to accomplish this, we have both made sure that we reside in the same school district (7 miles apart from each other, to be exact). This kids have been with him primarily b/c he was moving back to the small town he was from which is where we wanted our kids to go to school. I have been looking for somewhere to rent there (a lot harder than you would think - it's a tiny town) and finally found a new development being built so I bought a house there to be able to be in their area. We didn't feel it was fair to the kids to even attempt 50/50 until we both lived in the same school district so that they weren't having to drive more than necessary just to get to/from school or to either parent's house in the afternoons.

We are changing from an EOW with open opportunities for additional visits to a week on/week off schedule. It will be a relatively open arrangement, meaning that it's entirely possible that even if it is my week they may wind up going to their grandparents' (live across from Dad's), cousins' or even the other parent to spend some time with. We don't want them to feel as if "it's Dad's week so you can't go to Mom's for the afternoon/evening if you want to" or "it's Mom's week so you're not allowed to go spend time with your grandparents for a few hours". The kids are 6 and 8 and we talked to them about it so they aren't caught by surprise when summer starts. At this point, they seem to be thrilled but we'll have to wait and see how they handle changing households every Friday.

Even the issue I brought up in the initial post was never used to threaten trying to change any type of arrangement or take away visitation. I felt as if it was only brought up this much later to try and prove that Dad was a better parent since right before that there was a comment made to the effect that he knew better what the kids needed after I had asked to please be given information before an event rather than after....anything to do with school, conferences, medical appts, etc. I even told him I didn't feel as if he did it maliciously so I just wanted to draw his attention to it and I think that upset him. I just want to try and keep things civil, which they have been for years, so I wanted second opinions on the situations he brought to my attention so that I could apologize to him if it was necessary or leave it alone if not. (I did send him an e-mail apologizing earlier today and asked that we keep open communication instead of holding onto things until an argument comes along and then throwing it in each other's faces...I can be guilty of that as well. Although, it is very rare for us.)

 

[MomGT123]

OP, if I was dad here I would be less interested in knowing all the sordid details of the men in your life than I would be in knowing that you were reconsidering the type of people you associate with and taking steps to avoid these people in the future. I sincerely hope you do.

These situations were not ones that are necessarily known at the beginning of the relationship and like I responded to another poster, changes were made years ago and the situation is nothing like it was then. It's not possible to know absolutely everything about someone when you first meet them and sometimes there are strong feelings there by the time something of this nature happens. If it was still going on, I would have been gone years ago but that's not the case. It was a dark and embarassing point in someone's life and they have done everything necessary to avoid ever going there again in the future.

Simply because someone is dating a person that has made bad decisions in their past or makes a bad decision down the road, doesn't mean that they're terrible and should be discarded. The future cannot be predicted and life happens. There is a certain amount of leniency that I feel most people deserve as long as they are willing to do the work and stick to it.

 

[MomGT123]

I'm not trying to be sarcastic, AT ALL, I'm just curious.

I've seen many posts where parents are told that unless they can prove that another parent or parent's significant other put the child in danger while they were using drugs (if that part could even be proven), there was nothing that they can do about it.

I have also seen situations where a poster brings up something that happened years ago and they are told that it is in the past and as long as the circumstances no longer apply, then there's nothing they can do about it b/c it is in the past.

Other posts discuss how a parent must not have been as worried as they say they were because no action was taken and that whatever it is they are bringing up now is useless because it happened so long ago.

I'm just not quite understanding how a person's actions from approx. 1998/1999 that have not been repeated since mean that "this guy" is such a bad guy. Only a couple of people have alluded to that.

I also will admit that I had bad judgement back in that same period of time but we all have lapses in judgement....mine was not communicating information that I should have even if I felt that I was protecting my children by separating them from the problem.

"This guy" that did do unsavory things years ago is now a straight A student, clean for years, loving husband, father (with his ex) and step-father. He has a hard time finding employment at the moment due to his lapse in employment from his multiple surgeries since his car accident in '00 and finding ones that do not require repetitive movements or moderate physical labor that he is not supposed to participate in. Instead, he stays at home and attends online classes, keeps the house clean, cooks dinner, does laundry, fills out applications daily in hopes of getting a call back and my kids love him almost as much as they love their Dad and I. I just don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of him or me. He did make mistakes but he learned from them. And I got what I was looking for today which was the answer to whether or not I should have spoken up all those years ago.

I do appreciate the responses and although OhioGal did ask some tough questions, I actually was hoping she would respond because of her profession. I promise, I will never be one of those parents that comes on here and argues until they're blue in the face that they're right and the other parent is wrong....what's the point if asking the question if you're dead set on being right??

Thank you again

 

[Ohiogal]

Dad and I have talked about it since we split up years ago. We wanted to wait until the kids were old enough to be able to handle the mental aspect of going back and forth between houses every week. We are going to wait until this school year is over to give the kids over the summer to adjust. If it appears that one or both of the kids are having a difficult time adjusting, then we will address it at that point (preferably before the next school year starts). Whether that means going to a counselor to get to the bottom of it or reverting to the previous schedule with additional mid-week visits added in.

We both feel that it is important to have both of their parents in their lives as much as possible and in order to accomplish this, we have both made sure that we reside in the same school district (7 miles apart from each other, to be exact). This kids have been with him primarily b/c he was moving back to the small town he was from which is where we wanted our kids to go to school. I have been looking for somewhere to rent there (a lot harder than you would think - it's a tiny town) and finally found a new development being built so I bought a house there to be able to be in their area. We didn't feel it was fair to the kids to even attempt 50/50 until we both lived in the same school district so that they weren't having to drive more than necessary just to get to/from school or to either parent's house in the afternoons.

We are changing from an EOW with open opportunities for additional visits to a week on/week off schedule. It will be a relatively open arrangement, meaning that it's entirely possible that even if it is my week they may wind up going to their grandparents' (live across from Dad's), cousins' or even the other parent to spend some time with. We don't want them to feel as if "it's Dad's week so you can't go to Mom's for the afternoon/evening if you want to" or "it's Mom's week so you're not allowed to go spend time with your grandparents for a few hours". The kids are 6 and 8 and we talked to them about it so they aren't caught by surprise when summer starts. At this point, they seem to be thrilled but we'll have to wait and see how they handle changing households every Friday.

Even the issue I brought up in the initial post was never used to threaten trying to change any type of arrangement or take away visitation. I felt as if it was only brought up this much later to try and prove that Dad was a better parent since right before that there was a comment made to the effect that he knew better what the kids needed after I had asked to please be given information before an event rather than after....anything to do with school, conferences, medical appts, etc. I even told him I didn't feel as if he did it maliciously so I just wanted to draw his attention to it and I think that upset him. I just want to try and keep things civil, which they have been for years, so I wanted second opinions on the situations he brought to my attention so that I could apologize to him if it was necessary or leave it alone if not. (I did send him an e-mail apologizing earlier today and asked that we keep open communication instead of holding onto things until an argument comes along and then throwing it in each other's faces...I can be guilty of that as well. Although, it is very rare for us.)

A few things:
1) You can contact the school directly and get that informatio regarding school events and conferences and the school calendar.
2) Dad should give you information on medical appointments.
3) You may have answered but who has legal custody?

 

[MomGT123]

A few things:
1) You can contact the school directly and get that informatio regarding school events and conferences and the school calendar.
2) Dad should give you information on medical appointments.
3) You may have answered but who has legal custody?

1) I normally check the school calendar on a regular basis since it's available online. That's how I normally find out about plays, awards, etc. ahead of a day's notice, which is sometimes all I get from him. There are a few things I've been able to find out about they he never mentioned to me so I went on my own and didn't say anything b/c I felt it wasn't worth an argument. Some information, such as conferences, aren't listed and happen at random times throughout the year. I've called and asked if they could send out a notice to both parents and they said that they won't do that....only to the parent whose address is used for enrollment purposes.

2) I agree, he should. Sometimes he will tell me in advance and if it's a regular check-up I ask him to call me afterwards or offer to take them if he needs to work, go to school, etc. Then there are other times I find out after the fact either by him calling me and telling me what was said or the kids mentioning something to me. I especially would like to know if one of them go because they're ill but I don't remember ever hearing about one of those and I find it strange that he's NEVER taken them for a sick appt. I'm sure it's possible, just unlikely.

3) We have joint legal custody and he has primary physical custody until summer starts, which is something we have both agreed to. Towards the end of summer, I am going to propose an updated parenting plan to him that covers both of us. Even though we have both agreed at this point, I feel more comfortable having it filed with the court.