Walking on eggshells while living with my child's mother

[Bulldog1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

Hi everyone, here is my situation that perhaps someone can shed some light on. My ex and i are in the middle of a child custody case. we are both filing for custody (we currently share custody with no order). We've been to 2 hearings so far and it appears she has lost alot of credibility to her case, considering she accused me of being a drug abuser (which i have passed a urine test and hair follicle), during our ACS court ordered investigation she told the social worker that she has no contact with her ex husband who was in prison for 2nd degree manslaughter, however at our hearing i presented to the judge phone records proving she was talking to him multiple times a day throughout the entire month of Dec 2012 and the judge said "You lied".

Aside from that, the ex got a temporary order of protection against me for verbal abuse (which was false). One night we were talking through text messages in regards to our 8 month old daughter and she tried to turn it around that I was harassing her, so as i was trying to sleep, she calls the police on me. Needless to say, the cops read the text messages and stated there was no criminality involved, so they told me to have a good night and off they went. Since then I get anxiety everyday just being near her and sneezing the wrong way without fearing her calling 911 on me. I can't even talk to her about our child without fearing she will flip things around and call 911.

Now she's trying to petition that I violated the order of protection that I was harassing her by following her around the house while recording her with my iphone (again completely false). Our custody case began when i filed a motion to keep my daughter from being relocated bc the ex threatened to move 35+ miles away to another borough of NYC. This made her furious and spiteful which is making it unbearable living with her. She has no ties to my house, everything is under my name, she purposely leaves lights on, constantly running the washer/dryer and drives my car. How can one continue to live with a person who tried to have me falsely arrested and is currently trying to. I have an attorney and he said for me to remain the in house until our case is settled to not show abandonment of my child. I completely understand his reasoning but it's easier said when you're not in my shoes. Their is NO court order stating my ex can't move out, she is free to move anywhere she wants, it's my child that can't leave the county. What would you do in my case? Thanks for hearing me out

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

Hi everyone, here is my situation that perhaps someone can shed some light on. My ex and i are in the middle of a child custody case. we are both filing for custody (we currently share custody with no order). We've been to 2 hearings so far and it appears she has lost alot of credibility to her case, considering she accused me of being a drug abuser (which i have passed a urine test and hair follicle), during our ACS court ordered investigation she told the social worker that she has no contact with her ex husband who was in prison for 2nd degree manslaughter, however at our hearing i presented to the judge phone records proving she was talking to him multiple times a day throughout the entire month of Dec 2012 and the judge said "You lied".

Unless he is getting out soon, the fact that she is talking to him is not very relevant. Its not like he poses any danger to your mutual child while in prison.

Aside from that, the ex got a temporary order of protection against me for verbal abuse (which was false). One night we were talking through text messages in regards to our 8 month old daughter and she tried to turn it around that I was harassing her, so as i was trying to sleep, she calls the police on me. Needless to say, the cops read the text messages and stated there was no criminality involved, so they told me to have a good night and off they went. Since then I get anxiety everyday just being near her and sneezing the wrong way without fearing her calling 911 on me. I can't even talk to her about our child without fearing she will flip things around and call 911.

I am confused, why are you texting each other if you are in the same residence? That seems absurd.

Now she's trying to petition that I violated the order of protection that I was harassing her by following her around the house while recording her with my iphone (again completely false). Our custody case began when i filed a motion to keep my daughter from being relocated bc the ex threatened to move 35+ miles away to another borough of NYC. This made her furious and spiteful which is making it unbearable living with her. She has no ties to my house, everything is under my name, she purposely leaves lights on, constantly running the washer/dryer and drives my car. How can one continue to live with a person who tried to have me falsely arrested and is currently trying to. I have an attorney and he said for me to remain the in house until our case is settled to not show abandonment of my child. I completely understand his reasoning but it's easier said when you're not in my shoes. Their is NO court order stating my ex can't move out, she is free to move anywhere she wants, it's my child that can't leave the county. What would you do in my case? Thanks for hearing me out

There is nothing you can do at this point. She isn't going to move out and leave the child with you any more than you are going to move out and leave the child with her. You do realize that 35 miles wouldn't stop the two of you from sharing custody of an 8 month old for the next 5 years or so? Once she is ready for school 35 miles could be a problem, but its not a problem for the next 5 years or so. You also need to realize that once you are not living in the same household neither one of you are going to be seeing the child every day.

 

[Ohiogal]

Unless he is getting out soon, the fact that she is talking to him is not very relevant. Its not like he poses any danger to your mutual child while in prison.

Actually it is relevant in so far as her credibility is concerned.

I am confused, why are you texting each other if you are in the same residence? That seems absurd.

The guess is to have a written log of al communication.

There is nothing you can do at this point. She isn't going to move out and leave the child with you any more than you are going to move out and leave the child with her. You do realize that 35 miles wouldn't stop the two of you from sharing custody of an 8 month old for the next 5 years or so? Once she is ready for school 35 miles could be a problem, but its not a problem for the next 5 years or so. You also need to realize that once you are not living in the same household neither one of you are going to be seeing the child every day.

True.

OP:

This made her furious and spiteful which is making it unbearable living with her. She has no ties to my house, everything is under my name, she purposely leaves lights on, constantly running the washer/dryer and drives my car. How can one continue to live with a person who tried to have me falsely arrested and is currently trying to. I have an attorney and he said for me to remain the in house until our case is settled to not show abandonment of my child. I completely understand his reasoning but it's easier said when you're not in my shoes.

Why haven't you attempted to evict her? IN addition, why are you allowing her to drive your car? Take the keys back and make sure she knows she no longer has permission to drive your car. Then, the next time she does so, report it stolen to the police.

 

[Bulldog1]

Thank you for your response. Her ex husband was released on 1/07/13. I am sure he is staying at a half way house now. The judge ordered further investigation on this matter and will be brought up once again at our next hearing. Reason i text her rather than speaking with her is bc she only allows the baby to sleep in her bedroom and locks the door. If i attempt to knock and talk to her she will just turn things around and say i am harassing her. She doesn't work, filed for bankruptcy, has a criminal record in the state of pa for assaulting a person in a road rage incident, has lost credibility in court. I have a stable job, own my own home in a safe neighborhood, surrounded by loving family and friends, she wants to move away to an area where she has no support system in place (family, friends, job etc). She wants to rent a one bedroom apt with money she obtained through a car accident lawsuit and doesnt have a real plan for our childs future. I already have my plan in place if i win custody ie; daycare, school, pediatrician and how i will spend my time with her as a single father and so forth. I just hope the judge can see this bc it is in the best interest of the child to stay with her father more so than her mother.

 

[ecmst12]

You could evict her, but she would take the child with her and you couldn't stop her. Not evicting her is the smarter choice, for now. I would suggest you take up yoga and find a good therapist to help you survive the next few weeks/months.

NOTHING you have posted is a compelling reason that mom should not have equal or primary custody. Not one thing. Custody is not, and should not be determined by who has more money, a better job, or a bigger house. "Stability" as posters like to bring up here, is not a legal measurement of fitness as a parent. No one will care about her financial situation or her "lack of a plan for the future" of an 8 month old. Even her criminal record is not likely to matter. And her accusations against you may annoy the judge, but it won't prevent her from getting custody.

For a child of that age, the best thing FOR THE CHILD is to have frequent, meaningful contact with BOTH parents. Ideally every day, or every few days if that's not possible. She needs to develop a strong and secure bond with both of you. I suggest that you focus on what your CHILD needs, and stop thinking about how to cut your ex out of the picture, how to "win" something from her, how to control how she parents and how she lives.

 

[Bulldog1]

Ohiogrl, if i evict her now before our case is settled she says she will take the baby with her. She wont leave now because if she moves with the baby to her desired location she will be in violation of the court order. The reason i allow her to drive my car is bc she says she needs it to run errands and to take the baby to dr appts yada yada. She uses the baby as a weapon. My attorney says for the meantime try to maintain the same lifestyle we had before our case came about. He is very experienced in family law and knows the system better than i ever will which is why i wont second guess him

 

[Ohiogal]

Ohiogrl, if i evict her now before our case is settled she says she will take the baby with her. She wont leave now because if she moves with the baby to her desired location she will be in violation of the court order. The reason i allow her to drive my car is bc she says she needs it to run errands and to take the baby to dr appts yada yada. She uses the baby as a weapon. My attorney says for the meantime try to maintain the same lifestyle we had before our case came about. He is very experienced in family law and knows the system better than i ever will which is why i wont second guess him

If you have an attorney listen to him.

 

[Bulldog1]

Ecmst, thank you for your response. Lets fast forward a bit and say the judge granted us joint custody. In which direction do you think the judge would sway in regards to having physical custody? I know in NY family court it is a rarity for a judge to grant joint physical custody. My ex watches the baby during the day bc she doesnt work and when i come home from work i watch the baby. I think there is an injustice to parents who work fulltime to support their children only to have the OP sit home all day to be praised as the primary caregiver. If i quit my job and the both of us were with our baby 24/7 then how would a judge decide?

 

[ecmst12]

What did your attorney tell you? I can't predict the future and your lawyer is in the best position to make a guess.

 

[Bulldog1]

I was just hypothetically speaking about quitting my job. I would never do that.

 

[gr8rn]

Yes because it would not look good for you to, you know, unhypothetically quit your job. Crazy, even.

 

[ecmst12]

IMO, the best thing for this child would be if you and mom continued to live near each other, mom can care for the baby during the day until such time as she gets a job and you could have evenings/overnights a few nights per week and see her for the whole day every other weekend. When mom gets a job, child goes into daycare but the schedule for nights/weekends stays the same. Schedule close to 50-50, and frequent/meaningful contact with both parents. As she gets older, that could be revised as needed but that would be the ideal situation for HER, right now. IMO.

Of course, that would require both of you to get over your differences and learn to get along for the sake of your child. I think if you make an offer like the one above and show mom that you're not trying to relegate her to only occasional visits, it might promote some good faith.

 

[Bulldog1]

Ecmst, before i filed for custody, that was my preference. I told her if you stay close, we can do 50/50, if you move further away i have no choice but to take legal action. Of course that was before i understood she was/is talking to her ex husband on a daily basis and that he has been released. If i did not take legal action, she would have only allowed me to visit my daughter EOW without weekdays/nights and transportation would be completely my responsibility bc she says she has no car and does not plan on purchasing one either bc she can't afford it which is a total crock. So being she would have moved 35 miles away, i would have to drive 70 miles round trip then on sunday night drive my daughter back and drive myself home which is another 70. To me that is totally unfair. She created the distance not me.

 

[ecmst12]

She is allowed to talk to her ex MULTIPLE times a day if she wants. You can't control that. You *might* be able to get it into the order that he can't be around the baby, but that's not a sure thing even.