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Harassment, threats from my ex husband. At my wits end

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tsdaughe

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

Let me warn you that this will be length. I apologize in advance. I have been divorced since December 2011. I am at my wits end with my ex-husbands harassment and threats. Some of his behavior started prior to our divorce was finalized. He took money from our accounts. I had to agree to not pursue that with his command in order to get him to sign our separation agreement. We did an uncontested divorce and fast tracked it and his request, to marry someone he met online and never actually seen at that point. Then didn’t want to sign. I agreed because it wasn’t worth the fighting and until he signed the agreement which gave me the house I legally couldn’t stop him from showing up and coming in. After, he signed the agreement; he would still trespass on the property knowing I wouldn’t call the police with the kids there. I didn’t want to expose them to that. Well one day, he refused to leave the house. He pushed his way in. I stepped around him to open the screen door and asked him to leave. He then tried to lock me out of my house with the kids in there. At that point, they were crying and hiding in my son’s room due to him yelling. I fought my way back into my house by pushing the door open against him with all I had and went for my phone to call the police. He saw this and then took off running out of the house and when I went to shut the door he ran back and kicked it open and hit me with the door leaving a bruise. He then took off running. I finally shut the door. I didn’t call the police and instead focused on calming my children. I reported it to his command (he is active duty) and they did nothing. With his new wife, it became constant harassment about the child support he agreed and repeated texts telling me how lazy I am. She didn’t like how much he had to pay me. Mind you we agreed on the amount on our own.
4 months after the divorce, I got a new job with a major pay raise. One day, he was parked behind me getting the kids. He put him in his car. I was in my car waiting for him to leave and pull out so I could get to work. I had my window down. He approached and asked my new salary. I refused to tell him. He said he wanted to lower child support and would file against me and I told him that was his right. When I refused to tell him what I make and my new employers name he started to call me fat, stupid, etc. and then tried to reach into the car at me. I rolled up my window. He eventually drove off. On my own about 1 month later, I agreed to lower child support by $200/month due to my raise and trying to be fair.
He is supposed to cover the kids on medical and dental. There was a mix up when he reenlisted and the kids got dropped from dental. Even with the letter from MetLife showing they were dropped he didn’t believe me. He kept messing around and said $20/month was too much to pay. I gave up and added them to my dental at work. They are also on my vision. He covers their medical still which is free for him.
He refused to pay half of medical bills as ordered. The only way I have gotten any money is by taking what he owed me from our last tax return together. Otherwise he would over me over $300. Now he owes me about $70 that I have even bothered to ask him for and he won’t pay.
I am remarried now to a great man. In the beginning of that relationship, my ex husband text me and call me trying to find out information about my now husband such as where he works, car he drives, etc. He would repeatedly take the kids for his visit then text me all weekend trying to get me to get the kids early, threatening to call the police. When I would finally relent, he would say never mind. He kept texting me and calling me sweetheart, telling me I am fat, lazy, need to wear make-up, no one will ever love me. It was constant complaints about child support and how he shouldn’t have to pay half of medical bills. He would not show up on time for visits causing late fees and the babysitters. Or just not show up for hours and not answer his phone leaving us rushed to find childcare or someone to pick up the kids since we both work full time. Until I put my foot down, he refused to buy clothes for his place for visits and I had to send them with clothes, pajamas, etc. every weekend. I had to send towels from my house and toys and books and he even argued about having to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste for them.
We were letting him see the kids every weekend even though we only have to let him every other weekend. Due to the kids acting out more, we switched back to every other weekend. If I don’t agree to give up my weekend for something he planned he throws a fit. He is now blocked from calling me or texting me and has to communicate with my husband. Still, it’s the same harassment, threats, accusing my husband of being a sex offender, controlling me, beating the kids. He went so far as taking the kids to urgent care and claiming my husband abused my son due to a small bruise. The doctor offered to call CPS on what my ex told him but he declined and it even says in the report that my ex said he had no safety concerns for the kids. So why did he subject him to that? My son was very affected by it afterwards. I am a mandated reporter and I don’t give people an option if I think abuse is going on, I just report it.
The most recent thing is there is apparently a mole amongst me and my husband. My ex told us someone is giving him print outs of my FB page. I went through a deleted everyone that may know him. It has also come to my attention that my neighbor, who I thought was a friend, and confided in, has been taking every argument me and my husband had, anything we do, and giving the information to her husband who then tells my ex.
What are my options? I saw an attorney about 6 months ago who said I could possibly prove harassment but it would be hard. Otherwise, she said I have no options. I thought about seeking a different opinion? Any advice? Before anyone assumes otherwise, I am educated and work full time and make more money than my ex. I pay the mortgage and could pay my own way even without my new husband’s income. I pay for all school events, extra-curricular activities and all medical bills as of now. My son is on an IEP and I am the only one that participates in that.
 


Silverplum

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

Let me warn you that this will be length. I apologize in advance. I have been divorced since December 2011. I am at my wits end with my ex-husbands harassment and threats. Some of his behavior started prior to our divorce was finalized. He took money from our accounts. I had to agree to not pursue that with his command in order to get him to sign our separation agreement. We did an uncontested divorce and fast tracked it and his request, to marry someone he met online and never actually seen at that point. Then didn’t want to sign. I agreed because it wasn’t worth the fighting and until he signed the agreement which gave me the house I legally couldn’t stop him from showing up and coming in. After, he signed the agreement; he would still trespass on the property knowing I wouldn’t call the police with the kids there. I didn’t want to expose them to that. Well one day, he refused to leave the house. He pushed his way in. I stepped around him to open the screen door and asked him to leave. He then tried to lock me out of my house with the kids in there. At that point, they were crying and hiding in my son’s room due to him yelling. I fought my way back into my house by pushing the door open against him with all I had and went for my phone to call the police. He saw this and then took off running out of the house and when I went to shut the door he ran back and kicked it open and hit me with the door leaving a bruise. He then took off running. I finally shut the door. I didn’t call the police and instead focused on calming my children. I reported it to his command (he is active duty) and they did nothing. With his new wife, it became constant harassment about the child support he agreed and repeated texts telling me how lazy I am. She didn’t like how much he had to pay me. Mind you we agreed on the amount on our own.
4 months after the divorce, I got a new job with a major pay raise. One day, he was parked behind me getting the kids. He put him in his car. I was in my car waiting for him to leave and pull out so I could get to work. I had my window down. He approached and asked my new salary. I refused to tell him. He said he wanted to lower child support and would file against me and I told him that was his right. When I refused to tell him what I make and my new employers name he started to call me fat, stupid, etc. and then tried to reach into the car at me. I rolled up my window. He eventually drove off. On my own about 1 month later, I agreed to lower child support by $200/month due to my raise and trying to be fair.
He is supposed to cover the kids on medical and dental. There was a mix up when he reenlisted and the kids got dropped from dental. Even with the letter from MetLife showing they were dropped he didn’t believe me. He kept messing around and said $20/month was too much to pay. I gave up and added them to my dental at work. They are also on my vision. He covers their medical still which is free for him.
He refused to pay half of medical bills as ordered. The only way I have gotten any money is by taking what he owed me from our last tax return together. Otherwise he would over me over $300. Now he owes me about $70 that I have even bothered to ask him for and he won’t pay.
I am remarried now to a great man. In the beginning of that relationship, my ex husband text me and call me trying to find out information about my now husband such as where he works, car he drives, etc. He would repeatedly take the kids for his visit then text me all weekend trying to get me to get the kids early, threatening to call the police. When I would finally relent, he would say never mind. He kept texting me and calling me sweetheart, telling me I am fat, lazy, need to wear make-up, no one will ever love me. It was constant complaints about child support and how he shouldn’t have to pay half of medical bills. He would not show up on time for visits causing late fees and the babysitters. Or just not show up for hours and not answer his phone leaving us rushed to find childcare or someone to pick up the kids since we both work full time. Until I put my foot down, he refused to buy clothes for his place for visits and I had to send them with clothes, pajamas, etc. every weekend. I had to send towels from my house and toys and books and he even argued about having to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste for them.
We were letting him see the kids every weekend even though we only have to let him every other weekend. Due to the kids acting out more, we switched back to every other weekend. If I don’t agree to give up my weekend for something he planned he throws a fit. He is now blocked from calling me or texting me and has to communicate with my husband. Still, it’s the same harassment, threats, accusing my husband of being a sex offender, controlling me, beating the kids. He went so far as taking the kids to urgent care and claiming my husband abused my son due to a small bruise. The doctor offered to call CPS on what my ex told him but he declined and it even says in the report that my ex said he had no safety concerns for the kids. So why did he subject him to that? My son was very affected by it afterwards. I am a mandated reporter and I don’t give people an option if I think abuse is going on, I just report it.
The most recent thing is there is apparently a mole amongst me and my husband. My ex told us someone is giving him print outs of my FB page. I went through a deleted everyone that may know him. It has also come to my attention that my neighbor, who I thought was a friend, and confided in, has been taking every argument me and my husband had, anything we do, and giving the information to her husband who then tells my ex.
What are my options? I saw an attorney about 6 months ago who said I could possibly prove harassment but it would be hard. Otherwise, she said I have no options. I thought about seeking a different opinion? Any advice? Before anyone assumes otherwise, I am educated and work full time and make more money than my ex. I pay the mortgage and could pay my own way even without my new husband’s income. I pay for all school events, extra-curricular activities and all medical bills as of now. My son is on an IEP and I am the only one that participates in that.
What is your goal?
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
First: Fix your Facebook settings - it's possible to be virtually invisible. And yes, mutual friends can be a dangerous thing.

Second: GET THEE TO COURT! Request that all communication regarding the children be done via something like Our Family Wizard. It's currently $99/per person/per year but it's absolutely priceless when you have to coparent with a difficult ex.

Third: I'm not sure you have enough for a harassment charge. In fact in my opinion you don't.

But what I do think is critical given your circumstances is the importance of communicating via a different medium. The court can keep track of it. And it might just be the kick Dad needs.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
I'm going to do you the favor of tearing up your post to show you what is, and what is not legally important.

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

Let me warn you that this will be length. I apologize in advance. I have been divorced since December 2011. I am at my wits end with my ex-husbands harassment and threats. Some of his behavior started prior to our divorce was finalized. He took money from our accounts. I had to agree to not pursue that with his command in order to get him to sign our separation agreement. We did an uncontested divorce and fast tracked it and his request, to marry someone he met online and never actually seen at that point. Then didn’t want to sign. I agreed because it wasn’t worth the fighting and until he signed the agreement which gave me the house I legally couldn’t stop him from showing up and coming in. After, he signed the agreement; he would still trespass on the property knowing I wouldn’t call the police with the kids there. I didn’t want to expose them to that. Well one day, he refused to leave the house. He pushed his way in. I stepped around him to open the screen door and asked him to leave. He then tried to lock me out of my house with the kids in there. At that point, they were crying and hiding in my son’s room due to him yelling. I fought my way back into my house by pushing the door open against him with all I had and went for my phone to call the police. He saw this and then took off running out of the house and when I went to shut the door he ran back and kicked it open and hit me with the door leaving a bruise. He then took off running. I finally shut the door. I didn’t call the police and instead focused on calming my children. I reported it to his command (he is active duty) and they did nothing. With his new wife, it became constant harassment about the child support he agreed and repeated texts telling me how lazy I am. She didn’t like how much he had to pay me. Mind you we agreed on the amount on our own.
4 months after the divorce, I got a new job with a major pay raise. One day, he was parked behind me getting the kids. He put him in his car. I was in my car waiting for him to leave and pull out so I could get to work. I had my window down. He approached and asked my new salary. I refused to tell him. He said he wanted to lower child support and would file against me and I told him that was his right. When I refused to tell him what I make and my new employers name he started to call me fat, stupid, etc. and then tried to reach into the car at me. I rolled up my window. He eventually drove off. On my own about 1 month later, I agreed to lower child support by $200/month due to my raise and trying to be fair.
He is supposed to cover the kids on medical and dental. There was a mix up when he reenlisted and the kids got dropped from dental. Even with the letter from MetLife showing they were dropped he didn’t believe me. He kept messing around and said $20/month was too much to pay. I gave up and added them to my dental at work. They are also on my vision. He covers their medical still which is free for him.
He refused to pay half of medical bills as ordered. The only way I have gotten any money is by taking what he owed me from our last tax return together. Otherwise he would over me over $300. Now he owes me about $70 that I have even bothered to ask him for and he won’t pay.
TODAY, none of your marriage matters. Nothing he did, nothing he said, nothing you agreed to. Legally, you are where you stand today.

If he is not paying what he is court-ordered to pay, you file for contempt.

tsdaughe said:
I am remarried now to a great man. In the beginning of that relationship, my ex husband text me and call me trying to find out information about my now husband such as where he works, car he drives, etc. He would repeatedly take the kids for his visit then text me all weekend trying to get me to get the kids early, threatening to call the police. When I would finally relent, he would say never mind. He kept texting me and calling me sweetheart, telling me I am fat, lazy, need to wear make-up, no one will ever love me. It was constant complaints about child support and how he shouldn’t have to pay half of medical bills. He would not show up on time for visits causing late fees and the babysitters. Or just not show up for hours and not answer his phone leaving us rushed to find childcare or someone to pick up the kids since we both work full time. Until I put my foot down, he refused to buy clothes for his place for visits and I had to send them with clothes, pajamas, etc. every weekend. I had to send towels from my house and toys and books and he even argued about having to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste for them.
None of that matters. Including your new marriage.

tsdaughe said:
We were letting him see the kids every weekend even though we only have to let him every other weekend. Due to the kids acting out more, we switched back to every other weekend.
This is where I'm going to *spit* upon your attitude, honey, and let you know that those are HIS children, also. You and NewHubby do NOT "allow" Dad to see his own kids. NewHubby is nobody, legally. He is of no more importance than the grocery cashier.

Whatever is in the court order for parenting time, is Dad's. Period. You don't "allow" jack. You follow the court order.

tsdaughe said:
If I don’t agree to give up my weekend for something he planned he throws a fit. He is now blocked from calling me or texting me and has to communicate with my husband. Still, it’s the same harassment, threats, accusing my husband of being a sex offender, controlling me, beating the kids. He went so far as taking the kids to urgent care and claiming my husband abused my son due to a small bruise. The doctor offered to call CPS on what my ex told him but he declined and it even says in the report that my ex said he had no safety concerns for the kids. So why did he subject him to that? My son was very affected by it afterwards. I am a mandated reporter and I don’t give people an option if I think abuse is going on, I just report it.
Follow the court order and be done with it.

tsdaughe said:
The most recent thing is there is apparently a mole amongst me and my husband. My ex told us someone is giving him print outs of my FB page. I went through a deleted everyone that may know him. It has also come to my attention that my neighbor, who I thought was a friend, and confided in, has been taking every argument me and my husband had, anything we do, and giving the information to her husband who then tells my ex.
So what? You put it out there on the internet.

tsdaughe said:
What are my options? I saw an attorney about 6 months ago who said I could possibly prove harassment but it would be hard. Otherwise, she said I have no options. I thought about seeking a different opinion? Any advice? Before anyone assumes otherwise, I am educated and work full time and make more money than my ex. I pay the mortgage and could pay my own way even without my new husband’s income. I pay for all school events, extra-curricular activities and all medical bills as of now. My son is on an IEP and I am the only one that participates in that.
I don't see what you want.
 

tsdaughe

Junior Member
First, let me apologize for my typos.. Wow.
Now I will respond to everyone. My FB is private. Only my friends can view it. So someone I know is giving him private information that only certain people can see. He is blocked on facebook as well so he cannot see so much as a picture. I understand I placed it on my private page, but at what point does he stop trying to get information? My neighbor is who told him where I work, which I have been keeping private for various reasons.

As far as visits, my court order states every other weekend. My attitude is not that I am allowing him to see his kids. My point is, we want the kids to have his relationship with their dad, so we have been very flexible with doing more then the bare minimum requirement for their sake. But, every visit the kids come back wound up and upset. They get no attention there. He is divorced from his second wife and on girlfriend number 3. He introduces my kids to these women within weeks of knowing them and uses them as babysitters then dumps them. I deal with the emotional fall out of our kids getting attached to all these woman and their children after the fact.

I am considering contempt for the medical bills but at this point $70 isn't even worth it. It is the principal more then anything. Him dropping the kids from dental (even though he is supposed to provide it) is not something that happened during our marriage, it is something after the fact and is another thing that goes against the court order. The child support I am referencing is what was ordered and put into our agreement by the courts and an active order. Not just a verbal agreement.

My goal is: I want the harassment to stop. I can't even go out of state (i don't need his permission per the court order as long as it doesn't interfer with his visits) for vacation without threats to call police and say we kidnapped the kids. He takes the kids out of state all the time and doesn't notify me like our order states. I don't care that he does I just want to know in case of an emergency. I want to be able to live my life without him interfering and finding people to give him information. I just want my life to be my life. I don't ask about his girlfriends. I don't text him constantly. I don't do anything to find information about him. It is constant.
 
Last edited:

Silverplum

Senior Member
First, let me apologize for my typos.. Wow.
Now I will respond to everyone. My FB is private. Only my friends can view it. So someone I know is giving him private information that only certain people can see. He is blocked on facebook as well so he cannot see so much as a picture. I understand I placed it on my private page, but at what point does he stop trying to get information? My neighbor is who told him where I work, which I have been keeping private for various reasons.
I'll leave this for someone else to comment upon.

tsdaughe said:
As far as visits, my court order states every other weekend.
Then do that.

tsdaughe said:
My attitude is not that I am allowing him to see his kids.
Yes, it surely is your attitude. You wrote it. I didn't. You wrote it, that's what you think.

My point to you is, figure out the biology in which you participated. :rolleyes: And learn that there is no legal "WE" with your current husband.

tsdaughe said:
My point is, we want the kids to have his relationship with the kids, so we have been very flexible with doing more then the bare minimum requirement for their sake.
We, who?

tsdaughe said:
But, every visit the kids come back wound up and upset. They get no attention there. He is divorced from his second wife and on girlfriend number 3. He introduces my kids to these women within weeks of knowing them and uses them as babysitters then dumps them. I deal with the emotional fall out of our kids getting attached to all these woman and their children after the fact.
It's called "Being A Parent."

tsdaughe said:
I am considering contempt for the medical bills but at this point $70 isn't even worth it. It is the principal more then anything. Him dropping the kids from dental (even though he is supposed to provide it) is not something that happened during our marriage, it is something after the fact and is another thing that goes against the court order. The child support I am referencing is what was ordered and put into our agreement by the courts and an active order. Not just a verbal agreement.
So enforce what is an order. I don't see why the Mega Drama.

tsdaughe said:
My goal is: I want the harassment to stop. I can't even go out of state (i don't need his permission per the court order as long as it doesn't interfer with his visits) for vacation without threats to call police and say we kidnapped the kids.
So he threatens. And if he does call? What happens?

tsdaughe said:
He takes the kids out of state all the time and doesn't notify me like our order states.
Why does your order state that HE has to notify YOU, but that YOU don't have to notify HIM?

tsdaughe said:
I don't care that he does I just want to know in case of an emergency. I want to be able to live my life without him interfering and finding people to give him information. I just want my life to be my life. I don't ask about his girlfriends. I don't text him constantly. I don't do anything to find information about him. It is constant.
If a local attorney told you that you have no "harassment" case, then we can't possibly second-guess that. What you can do is learn to live without his approval.

And you'd do well to stop giving your current husband "power" that he doesn't actually have.
 

tsdaughe

Junior Member
I didn't say the order states that I don't have to notify him. I do. I don't need his permission. There is a difference.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
I didn't say the order states that I don't have to notify him. I do. I don't need his permission. There is a difference.
Got it.

So email him and notify him. Done.

People here often recommend having all communication via email. You could try that.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
I didn't say the order states that I don't have to notify him. I do. I don't need his permission. There is a difference.
I understood what you meant by that. I am going to reiterate Pro's suggestion that you try to get it ordered that you use My Family Wizard for communication. It will cut out a lot of the BS. Also, don't give him a lot of advance notice of your trips out of town if it won't violate your orders...less time for him to harass you.

Just remember that if he were to actually call the police, they would likely laugh at him.
 

tsdaughe

Junior Member
I did try the email. Important stuff I have emailed him and he won't reply. He won't put anything in email because he was advised that emails can be used against him in court. Our courts here are more conservative and are reluctant to accept proof of harassment with text messages.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
I did try the email. Important stuff I have emailed him and he won't reply. He won't put anything in email because he was advised that emails can be used against him in court. Our courts here are more conservative and are reluctant to accept proof of harassment with text messages.
He doesn't have to reply.

You do your job. Whether he does his, is on him.
 

tsdaughe

Junior Member
I will look into that resource or what is available in my area. I understand what everyone is saying. I guess I just let everything get to me more then I normally do. I am actually a counselor and am great with distancing with other people's problems. This constant crap is stressful and sometimes all my amount of strength and coping doesn't cut it.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
I will look into that resource or what is available in my area. I understand what everyone is saying. I guess I just let everything get to me more then I normally do. I am actually a counselor and am great with distancing with other people's problems. This constant crap is stressful and sometimes all my amount of strength and coping doesn't cut it.
Perhaps you could look into some counseling, yourself.

Self-examination, and all that, right? :cool:
 

tsdaughe

Junior Member
Yep, in counseling actually. Not just for this. I was a victim of an assault over a year go. So my response to harassment, etc. are magnified. It's very helpful ;-) and I am very insightful. Again thanks.
 

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