3rd DUI in NJ, desperate for help :(

[kandycoatedeath]

It's time to take a long, hard look at your reality.

You have chosen to put your trust and faith in this man, to allow yourself to sit back and make HIM the responsible one in the relationship, to put the pressure on HIM to bear the weight and responsibilty of supporting you and your baby - when he can't even be trusted to be responsible for HIMSELF. Time to wake up and take the reins on your own life.

Whatever you claim you did before the baby was born, you appear to have put that all aside and put your boyfriend in the untenable position of carrying your burden. You should have known better than to put that all on HIM.

You now want the courts to go easy on HIM - not for his sake, but so that he can be taken out of the frying pan and put right back into the fire, to allow him the privilege of almost completely supporting you and your child AGAIN. When will YOU learn how to share that burden or take responsibility for your own choices?

Perhaps this DUI is a blessing for him. It might just give him the time away from you that he needs in order to break the dependency cycle you've created for him. It might just give you time to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. It might force you to put on your big girl panties and find out what it's like to have the pressure of providing the hog's share of the financial support for your family.

Trust and believe HE chose to take this control NOT me. I was working more and he OFFERED to work more so I could stay at home with our child. You make it seem like I put this responsibility on him because i DID NOT. Like I said I was working 6 days a week before AND during my pregnancy. and like I previously stated Ive been TRYING to find someone else to babysit my daughter but being we just moved i don't know a lot of people in this area. how DARE you try to make it seem like I'm such a bad person. He works a much better job then I do and offered to take care of us as long as I worked less and took care of the baby. it was HIS decision and if I could change it i would work the same that I did previously. I didn't ask this question to be attacked I asked for help in the matter. I DO take responsibility of my choices, like I stated I am the primary caregiver, i do EVERYTHING for my child and make sure no matter what that she NEVER goes without the things that she needs, especially if it means sacrificing my own needs because thats what a parent is SUPPOSE to do. Not that its any of your business but before he got the job he has now I WAS the one taking on the financial obligations not him. I WAS the one working all the time and everyday while he was working just a few days a week. He doesn't pay for everything its just that I can't pay for all of her needs and our rent. BUT THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I WAS ASKING. If you're just going to try to rip me apart instead of give me advice on WHAT I ASKED then please take your nastiness elsewhere.

 

[Zigner]

If you are unable to find sufficient employment coupled with sufficient daycare where you presently live, it might be wise to move. I would suggest that you move on without the loser/criminal.

 

[kandycoatedeath]

You supposed "nice guy" boyfriend decided it was ok to get drunk, then climb behind the wheel of his car for a 3rd time and drive away. He not only risked HIS life, he risked ALL THE OTHER lives of those on the road around him. I'm sorry your boyfriend is NOT a nice guy who made a "poor decision", he is a habitual drunk who made SEVERAL poor CHOICES and now needs to learn the errors of those poor CHOICES. Shame on you for coming onto a forum looking for ways he can get out of the punishment he deserves.

I'm not saying what he did was right. I understand it was irresponsible and i understand that he must face the consequences for his actions. His life was different back when he got the last one and has been working his ass off to turn it around. havent you ever done anything to try to change your life for the better? i'm not saying he should get out of it i just want to know options and possibilities of outcomes based on other peoples experiences. i'm not trying to say he shouldnt be punished for his actions. This was his decision and a bad one, but everyone makes mistakes and although this was not the first one in his lifetime it doesn't make him a bad person. WE ALL MAKE POOR DECISIONS. Either way he didn't hurt anyone or himself, if that was the case the situation would be entirely different but he didn't. I'm not on here to get bashed i'm here to just try to get answers. If you want to bash someone you can leave my thread.

 

[RRevak]

I'm not saying what he did was right. I understand it was irresponsible and i understand that he must face the consequences for his actions. His life was different back when he got the last one and has been working his ass off to turn it around. havent you ever done anything to try to change your life for the better? i'm not saying he should get out of it i just want to know options and possibilities of outcomes based on other peoples experiences. i'm not trying to say he shouldnt be punished for his actions. This was his decision and a bad one, but everyone makes mistakes and although this was not the first one in his lifetime it doesn't make him a bad person. WE ALL MAKE POOR DECISIONS. Either way he didn't hurt anyone or himself, if that was the case the situation would be entirely different but he didn't. I'm not on here to get bashed i'm here to just try to get answers. If you want to bash someone you can leave my thread.

The difference is that most of us don't make decisions that risk the lives of others

 

[kandycoatedeath]

If you are unable to find sufficient employment coupled with sufficient daycare where you presently live, it might be wise to move. I would suggest that you move on without the loser/criminal.

we just moved here a month ago. I don't think we can get out of the lease without facing a fee and I can't afford that right now. I'm not asking for people to give me advice on MY life or MY self or the selfworth of my boyfriend i'm just asking for advice for anyone who has been through it or in that situation.

 

[kandycoatedeath]

The difference is that most of us don't make decisions that risk the lives of others

Really???? Because I'm pretty sure people make decisions like that every.single.day. Although I myself have never done it i know plently of people that have and more then once. I dont think that makes them bad people, but that's just my opinion. There are many ways people make choices to put other peoples lives at risk everyday not just by drunk driving. Driving in general can put others lives at risk and im sure we all do that every day. Like i said i just want advice on what could happen not any personal advice about me or my boyfriend. if that's all you have to talk about then just stop. Im not here for that.

 

[Just Blue]

Really???? Because I'm pretty sure people make decisions like that every.single.day. Although I myself have never done it i know plently of people that have and more then once. I dont think that makes them bad people, but that's just my opinion. There are many ways people make choices to put other peoples lives at risk everyday not just by drunk driving. Driving in general can put others lives at risk and im sure we all do that every day. Like i said i just want advice on what could happen not any personal advice about me or my boyfriend. if that's all you have to talk about then just stop. Im not here for that.

Hon...You should perhaps hire an attorney for you 3x DUI BF. If you don't have the $$ for that, then perhaps, when he is released from jail, he could sign up under his OWN user name and ask his own questions.

 

[Just Blue]

Really???? Because I'm pretty sure people make decisions like that every.single.day. Although I myself have never done it i know plently of people that have and more then once. I dont think that makes them bad people, but that's just my opinion. There are many ways people make choices to put other peoples lives at risk everyday not just by drunk driving. Driving in general can put others lives at risk and im sure we all do that every day. Like i said i just want advice on what could happen not any personal advice about me or my boyfriend. if that's all you have to talk about then just stop. Im not here for that.

Oh. BTW!!

I only know ONE person with a DUI. ONE. But I know NONE with 3 DUI's. It is not a "common" "decision". Not in grown up world.

Again...Good luck to you and child...
Blue

 

[ajkroy]

You supposed "nice guy" boyfriend decided it was ok to get drunk, then climb behind the wheel of his car for a 3rd time and drive away.

You're operating under the assumption that BF was caught every time he drove drunk. Somehow, I doubt that.

 

[Proserpina]

You're operating under the assumption that BF was caught every time he drove drunk. Somehow, I doubt that.

Yeap - it's much more likely that this is a case of he got CAUGHT 3 times, not that he's only ever done it 3 times.

 

[Ohiogal]

I'm not saying what he did was right. I understand it was irresponsible and i understand that he must face the consequences for his actions. His life was different back when he got the last one and has been working his ass off to turn it around. havent you ever done anything to try to change your life for the better? i'm not saying he should get out of it i just want to know options and possibilities of outcomes based on other peoples experiences. i'm not trying to say he shouldnt be punished for his actions. This was his decision and a bad one, but everyone makes mistakes and although this was not the first one in his lifetime it doesn't make him a bad person. WE ALL MAKE POOR DECISIONS. Either way he didn't hurt anyone or himself, if that was the case the situation would be entirely different but he didn't. I'm not on here to get bashed i'm here to just try to get answers. If you want to bash someone you can leave my thread.

You are making a poor decision now -- to make excuses for your alcoholic boyfriend. The next time he drives drunk, it might be with your child in the car and then the child might be killed. Hopefully only your boyfriend dies if he wrecks but that is not usually what happens. YOu need alateen or something of that nature. Your boyfriend is an addict and an alcoholic. There are NOT cures for those and he will always be one. As long as you make excuses, he will think everything is okay. Even if he doesn't drive, he could be home drunk with the child and hurt her/kill her because he is under the influence and gets mad/stupid/irritated/whatever. Drop the boyfriend until he quits it all.

 

[commentator]

Bingo. Your boyfriend may have successfully completed the two years and the required alcohol program, but in program lingo, he had obviously relapsed when he got caught this last time. He was drinking again, and the next step in drinking again, power drinking, the way he does, is ANOTHER DUI. the courts see this all the time. I seriously doubt they are going to cut him any slack at all related to this situation of him being the sole support of you and your mutual baby.

The problem is, it's not the court's job to be responsible and give him a break, it was his job to be responsible and not do this thing that had the power to screw up your lives (and your baby's life) so completely.

Unfortunately, I have seen many many people with multiple DUI's. And so has the court he will be in. Once people become multiple DUI offenders, they don't stop. Rehab doesn't "take." They will keep doing it until they actually kill themselves and/or hurt someone else, or end up completely in jail all the time, or completely without the capacity to drive legally, forevermore...and then they'll sneak and drive until they get caught. Or stay around home and take it out on you and your child because he has screwed up his life so completely. You'll eventually give up on him and realized that you and your child (children, if you hang in there a while) are not the loves of his life. Alcohol is.

Until he deals, finally and completely with the addiction that is causing the behavior, even if it's intermittent serial alcoholic behavior and it was two years plus since the last time before this that he had a drink and got caught this time, your boyfriend does not just have a legal problem, he has an addiction problem.

You can get him an attorney. They hate it when people come before them without an attorney. Did you do this? Yeah. Are you going to do it again? Probably. (Shrug) I dunno what to say. Throw the book at me. I'm guilty, I'm sorry. Duh.

That he is working is sort of hopeful. Maybe they'll let him pay lots of money, jump through lots of hoops, and in some way fix things so that he can possibly keep his job. Especially if he gets an attorney and does whatever the attorney suggests at this point, even it if includes entering some kind of treatment again before his sentencing. Starting AA as soon as he's able would be a nice touch.

But really, if they throw the book at him, and you are without a means of support, your alternative may be to seek out public assistance and let them help you get your feet back on the ground, find appropriate child care, and get back into the workforce. It'd be lovely if you could sit home and do every single thing for your baby and be a perfect stay at home mom, but frankly, you did not choose the other parent well when you got someone with two previous DUI's. This relapse and third DUI behavior is confirmation of that. You probably won't get to be the kind of parent you've planned on. You'll be too busy paying bail, and court costs and attorney fees and high risk insurances......

 

[mayaalex]

There is an immediate suspension of the license when you are arrested and brought before a magistrate. There is a mandatory jail sentence plus additional time if he judge warrants it. Once you are convicted, the standard penalties are imposed. There is nothing you can do to avoid anything.

 

[Rwedunyet]

You supposed "nice guy" boyfriend decided it was ok to get drunk, then climb behind the wheel of his car for a 3rd time and drive away. He not only risked HIS life, he risked ALL THE OTHER lives of those on the road around him. I'm sorry your boyfriend is NOT a nice guy who made a "poor decision", he is a habitual drunk who made SEVERAL poor CHOICES and now needs to learn the errors of those poor CHOICES. Shame on you for coming onto a forum looking for ways he can get out of the punishment he deserves.

I couldnt find the standing ovation emoticon.

Seriously, OP. Drop this goon. 3 times? SERIOUSLY.

and using your kid to get out of DESERVED jail time?

poor kid.

It's time for dear ole dad to man up and sober up. I sure as heck dont want him on the streets where MY children may be.