17 year old won't go to school - PA.

[daniel11]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Pennsylvania

Hello. we've been having trouble with my 17 year old daughter refusing to go to school. we've tried all the angles - taking away her car key,taking away her cell phone,withholding allowance,grounding,etc. She claims she's not "motivated" to go anymore,and she's actually started seeing a psychiatrist because of it.

My question is,due to the Compulsory School Attendance Law NOT applying to students age 17 or above,is there anything legally we can do? Looking up the PA Truancy Toolkit is basically worthless,because it only covers those minors who fall under the Compulsory Attendance Law,but gives no real advice for minors over the age. It says that schools are allowed to take "progressive disciplinary measures", but her school (she goes to a private school) basically just made her sign a letter of intent that she will attend,but that did no good as she missed 2 more days AFTER signing it!

I feel like I'm out there without a paddle,cause no one seems to be able to do anything about it. I'm afraid she's going to end up flunking out,due to sheer number of days missed.

 

[TheGeekess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Pennsylvania

Hello. we've been having trouble with my 17 year old daughter refusing to go to school. we've tried all the angles - taking away her car key,taking away her cell phone,withholding allowance,grounding,etc. She claims she's not "motivated" to go anymore,and she's actually started seeing a psychiatrist because of it.

My question is,due to the Compulsory School Attendance Law NOT applying to students age 17 or above,is there anything legally we can do? Looking up the PA Truancy Toolkit is basically worthless,because it only covers those minors who fall under the Compulsory Attendance Law,but gives no real advice for minors over the age. It says that schools are allowed to take "progressive disciplinary measures", but her school (she goes to a private school) basically just made her sign a letter of intent that she will attend,but that did no good as she missed 2 more days AFTER signing it!

I feel like I'm out there without a paddle,cause no one seems to be able to do anything about it. I'm afraid she's going to end up flunking out,due to sheer number of days missed.

Make her get a job, then. Pay rent/utilities/groceries. It's either go to school or help support herself.

 

[daniel11]

Make her get a job, then. Pay rent/utilities/groceries. It's either go to school or help support herself.

She actually does work part-time at K-Mart,and pays for her own food (when she goes out to eat) and her portion of the car insurance.

Looking around for help - Children and Youth - ONLY if the student falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law

- Truancy Officer - ONLY if the student falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law

- Citations for Truancy - ONLY if the student falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law


... so you basically can't do anything unless the minor falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law?! And the threat of kicking her out won't work either,as I threatened that in September,after her first THREE missed days,and she decided to go and live at her friend's house for 3 weeks.And her attitude was that she loved it.

I almost feel resigned to the idea that she's gonna fail or get herself kicked out,and doesn't seem to care either way.

 

[RRevak]

Unfortunately with her being so close to an "adult" there isn't anything you can legally do. If the school feels she isn't going to go, then they will just ask her to be removed if they feel its useless to force her. Basically she's either going to remove herself by simply not going, or the school will eventually remove her by policy. Your only real bet here is to either figure out what the lack of motivation stems from, or show her that if she chooses the adult choice of leaving school then she gets the adult responsibilities that go with that choice. Have you sat down with her and really talked about what's going on at school that has her feeling this way? Maybe there are things going on that she isn't telling you about that are turning her away. A break-up or a bad relationship with a teacher/teachers maybe. Your other option is to explore GED (if you feel she's too far from graduating).

 

[RRevak]

She actually does work part-time at K-Mart,and pays for her own food (when she goes out to eat) and her portion of the car insurance.

Looking around for help - Children and Youth - ONLY if the student falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law

- Truancy Officer - ONLY if the student falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law

- Citations for Truancy - ONLY if the student falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law


... so you basically can't do anything unless the minor falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law?! And the threat of kicking her out won't work either,as I threatened that in September,after her first THREE missed days,and she decided to go and live at her friend's house for 3 weeks.And her attitude was that she loved it.

I almost feel resigned to the idea that she's gonna fail or get herself kicked out,and doesn't seem to care either way.

Then the bolded says its time to let this one go. If she wants the adult world so badly, give it to her. Its time to make her pay all of the car insurance, the payments (if there are any), a portion of the electricity in your house and any other household bills, and a specific amount for rent while she obtains a GED. If she doesn't like it, then she can move out the day she turns 18 where she can see what the REAL world looks like. Not the fun "live at a friends house" world.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

She is entitled to decide she wants to be a failure. Allow her, don't support her. When she falls flat on her face, she can get a GED and try to pick up the pieces.

 

[daniel11]

Unfortunately with her being so close to an "adult" there isn't anything you can legally do. If the school feels she isn't going to go, then they will just ask her to be removed if they feel its useless to force her. Basically she's either going to remove herself by simply not going, or the school will eventually remove her by policy. Your only real bet here is to either figure out what the lack of motivation stems from, or show her that if she chooses the adult choice of leaving school then she gets the adult responsibilities that go with that choice. Have you sat down with her and really talked about what's going on at school that has her feeling this way? Maybe there are things going on that she isn't telling you about that are turning her away. A break-up or a bad relationship with a teacher/teachers maybe. Your other option is to explore GED (if you feel she's too far from graduating).

well,she's in her Junior year,so she still has almost 2 full school year's to go to graduate.

Yeah,that's pretty much what the school told us,that if she continues to miss days she won't have the grades needed for her to stay there. Basically,I guess,she'll be expelled. Because it's a Preparatory School,they expect a certain grade point average to be maintained, which she won't be able to meet just for sheer volume of classes missed.

We've already talked to her multiple times,as has her Guidance Counselor. Basically laying it on the line - you're going to screw up your future by doing this! She's also started seeing a psychiatrist,but it's way too early to see any progress from that,as she's only had a couple sessions so far,and they schedule the appointments weeks apart. I did LOL'ed a bit,because the doctor wanted her to make a list of long-term goals she has,one of which was to graduate college! And I'm thinking,you know,you have to finish the FIRST part - a Diploma - before you can move onto that!

Like I said,legally,I was wondering what options are on the table.But it seems likely there are none. Because,honestly,if she could get cited and appear before a judge,I think it might changer her whole tune, as her main goal in life is to make money! So taking that away from her with fines might just open her eyes. But,sadly,that apparently isn't an option anymore for us.

 

[Ohiogal]

She actually does work part-time at K-Mart,and pays for her own food (when she goes out to eat) and her portion of the car insurance.

Looking around for help - Children and Youth - ONLY if the student falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law

- Truancy Officer - ONLY if the student falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law

- Citations for Truancy - ONLY if the student falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law


... so you basically can't do anything unless the minor falls under the Compulsory Attendance Law?! And the threat of kicking her out won't work either,as I threatened that in September,after her first THREE missed days,and she decided to go and live at her friend's house for 3 weeks.And her attitude was that she loved it.

I almost feel resigned to the idea that she's gonna fail or get herself kicked out,and doesn't seem to care either way.

So she doesn't pay for her car payment, rent, cell phone bill, gas for the car, (which she should NOT be driving your car if she is not going to go school), clothes, entertainment and everything else. She should also be paying a portion of the utilities -- light, water, gas. If you paid for it, it should come out of her room. Then proceed with eviction as soon as she turns 18 years old. Kick her to curb.

 

[RRevak]

well,she's in her Junior year,so she still has almost 2 full school year's to go to graduate.

Yeah,that's pretty much what the school told us,that if she continues to miss days she won't have the grades needed for her to stay there. Basically,I guess,she'll be expelled. Because it's a Preparatory School,they expect a certain grade point average to be maintained, which she won't be able to meet just for sheer volume of classes missed.

We've already talked to her multiple times,as has her Guidance Counselor. Basically laying it on the line - you're going to screw up your future by doing this! She's also started seeing a psychiatrist,but it's way too early to see any progress from that,as she's only had a couple sessions so far,and they schedule the appointments weeks apart. I did LOL'ed a bit,because the doctor wanted her to make a list of long-term goals she has,one of which was to graduate college! And I'm thinking,you know,you have to finish the FIRST part - a Diploma - before you can move onto that!

Like I said,legally,I was wondering what options are on the table.But it seems likely there are none. Because,honestly,if she could get cited and appear before a judge,I think it might changer her whole tune, as her main goal in life is to make money! So taking that away from her with fines might just open her eyes. But,sadly,that apparently isn't an option anymore for us.

OK dad i'm stepping on a limb here and saying that is a very wrong statement to make. I know quite a few successful individuals who have obtained GED's, started community college and then moved on to 4yr universities (good ones) where they thrived. The traditional "diploma, then 4 yr, then masters (or something else) just isn't the right path for everyone and at this point you need to let that go. What you should now be doing is encouraging a GED then a different path to college. There are lots of people who do poorly in high school only to find college amazing and do very well. Something about the different structures of the classes and work just sits better with them than a more rigid high school classroom environment. You need to be careful about giving her a message that if she doesn't do things "your" way that she will fail utterly. Try encouraging her to do something different but still giving her the same end goal. You might find her a bit more receptive.

 

[daniel11]

So she doesn't pay for her car payment, rent, cell phone bill, gas for the car, (which she should NOT be driving your car if she is not going to go school), clothes, entertainment and everything else. She should also be paying a portion of the utilities -- light, water, gas. If you paid for it, it should come out of her room. Then proceed with eviction as soon as she turns 18 years old. Kick her to curb.

honestly,I think she might leave on her own anyway. She basically said she came back home in October because "she had to", so it wouldn't surprise me at all if she takes off at 18.

I try to keep things as calm as possible,because we have a 10 year old son together in the house,too. And I don't want him exposed to too much crap/fighting. So it may seem like I'm a bit wishy-washy,but I try to keep it normal for him. And don't worry,he WILL grow up right! I already told my wife that she can't play the "You're not the real father" card when it comes to him.

The overarching issue is,we've got a teenager who feels the right to go to school or not go to school,per her own whims. And it's definitely wrong. But,like you guys said, she needs to fall flat on her face,and be humbled by the experience. As it is now,I don't allow her to use my car,don't give her rides to work,don't give her money for anything. My attitude is,if you can't go to school,you can't get this stuff. Of course my wife allows her to use her car and such,which defeats the whole purpose.

Like I said,I just wish there was a legal recourse to do something about it.

 

[daniel11]

OK dad i'm stepping on a limb here and saying that is a very wrong statement to make. I know quite a few successful individuals who have obtained GED's, started community college and then moved on to 4yr universities (good ones) where they thrived. The traditional "diploma, then 4 yr, then masters (or something else) just isn't the right path for everyone and at this point you need to let that go. What you should now be doing is encouraging a GED then a different path to college. There are lots of people who do poorly in high school only to find college amazing and do very well. Something about the different structures of the classes and work just sits better with them than a more rigid high school classroom environment. You need to be careful about giving her a message that if she doesn't do things "your" way that she will fail utterly. Try encouraging her to do something different but still giving her the same end goal. You might find her a bit more receptive.

Here's the thing,though - she's been on the honor roll every year she's been there (going on 6 now),and was inducted into the National Honors Society for Science back in October. so when she DOES go,work and grades-wise she does quite well. It's just this new factor of not wanting to go anymore.She says she loves her school, and was all excited to have us order her Class Ring for next year. Yet...then she doesn't feel like going! ???

 

[RRevak]

honestly,I think she might leave on her own anyway. She basically said she came back home in October because "she had to", so it wouldn't surprise me at all if she takes off at 18.

I try to keep things as calm as possible,because we have a 10 year old son together in the house,too. And I don't want him exposed to too much crap/fighting. So it may seem like I'm a bit wishy-washy,but I try to keep it normal for him. And don't worry,he WILL grow up right! I already told my wife that she can't play the "You're not the real father" card when it comes to him.

The overarching issue is,we've got a teenager who feels the right to go to school or not go to school,per her own whims. And it's definitely wrong. But,like you guys said, she needs to fall flat on her face,and be humbled by the experience. As it is now,I don't allow her to use my car,don't give her rides to work,don't give her money for anything. My attitude is,if you can't go to school,you can't get this stuff. Of course my wife allows her to use her car and such,which defeats the whole purpose.

Like I said,I just wish there was a legal recourse to do something about it.

Dad, you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar and the more you push the farther she's going to run. This is more parenting advice (humble parenting advice) than legal. If she's hellbent on being an adult then why don't you help her? There are more ways than one to become a successful thriving adult and sometimes those ways aren't the ones we first envisioned for our children. It doesn't always mean they fail if they do things differently. Try teaching her now about things like budgeting so when she does leave you know she will be ok. Talk to her about GED and community college. Maybe even visit a few so she sees how different they are. Find successful role models, people who have started out seeming like they will end up derelicts but in the end turned out to be successful people. Give her a different idea of life than just "my way or the highway". Our jobs as parents is to the the best for our kids, even if the "best" thing isn't what we initially thought. You don't really have to just throw your hands up and walk away if you all work to change your ideas of the future.

I'll step off my soap box now

 

[RRevak]

Here's the thing,though - she's been on the honor roll every year she's been there (going on 6 now),and was inducted into the National Honors Society for Science back in October. so when she DOES go,work and grades-wise she does quite well. It's just this new factor of not wanting to go anymore.She says she loves her school, and was all excited to have us order her Class Ring for next year. Yet...then she doesn't feel like going! ???

All the more reason to fight for her to get into college instead of kicking her loose into the world! Even if its through the path of a GED and community college. Maybe she's bored, maybe she feels constrained, who knows. But like I said above, some people really just don't do well in high school classes but thrive in college. She just might be one of those people.

 

[Zigner]

honestly,I think she might leave on her own anyway. She basically said she came back home in October because "she had to", so it wouldn't surprise me at all if she takes off at 18.

I try to keep things as calm as possible,because we have a 10 year old son together in the house,too. And I don't want him exposed to too much crap/fighting. So it may seem like I'm a bit wishy-washy,but I try to keep it normal for him. And don't worry,he WILL grow up right! I already told my wife that she can't play the "You're not the real father" card when it comes to him.

The overarching issue is,we've got a teenager who feels the right to go to school or not go to school,per her own whims. And it's definitely wrong. But,like you guys said, she needs to fall flat on her face,and be humbled by the experience. As it is now,I don't allow her to use my car,don't give her rides to work,don't give her money for anything. My attitude is,if you can't go to school,you can't get this stuff. Of course my wife allows her to use her car and such,which defeats the whole purpose.

Like I said,I just wish there was a legal recourse to do something about it.

This is your STEP-daughter? That certainly changes things.



This sounds to me like a situation in which you *all* need therapy, individual and family.

 

[Ohiogal]

honestly,I think she might leave on her own anyway. She basically said she came back home in October because "she had to", so it wouldn't surprise me at all if she takes off at 18.

I try to keep things as calm as possible,because we have a 10 year old son together in the house,too. And I don't want him exposed to too much crap/fighting. So it may seem like I'm a bit wishy-washy,but I try to keep it normal for him. And don't worry,he WILL grow up right! I already told my wife that she can't play the "You're not the real father" card when it comes to him.

The overarching issue is,we've got a teenager who feels the right to go to school or not go to school,per her own whims. And it's definitely wrong. But,like you guys said, she needs to fall flat on her face,and be humbled by the experience. As it is now,I don't allow her to use my car,don't give her rides to work,don't give her money for anything. My attitude is,if you can't go to school,you can't get this stuff. Of course my wife allows her to use her car and such,which defeats the whole purpose.

Like I said,I just wish there was a legal recourse to do something about it.

Who is the father of the 10 year old if you are not? LEGALLY that is.
The teenager -- who is the teenager's father/mother? Is there a stepparent?
If she wants to be an adult, let her be an adult. She doesn't drive your car or any car purchased by anyone other than her. She takes full responsibility for payments, insurance, gas, repairs and everything. She pays rent which should also include a portion of utilities. Anything you or your wife bought should be removed from her room (her bed, her dresser, television, computer, whatever if it was not a gift for Christmas or her birthday. Teenager gets to work more hours and pay for food and clothes and everything else. She should also pay for her medication and copays if not covered by insurance. She should pay for EVERYTHING. She now has to get a real job and work for a living. If she doesn't want to do that then she returns to her old job (going to school). If she doesn't pay you, she doesn't get the benefits of anything beyond necessities. At 18, she has to find an apartment and leave. If you own the car, she doesn't get to use it. She takes the bus or walks or rides her bike if she has one. And if she is a stepchild -- where is her other actual parent?