6yr old girl sharing sleeping space with all (nonsibling) boys ages 3, 10, 12

[Jingle2]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

When my 6yr old daughter has visitation with her dad she doesn't have her own space. The Girlfriend has 3 boys ages 3, 10 and 12. The 2 younger boys share a room and the older has his own room. The 3yr old and the 12yr old are both autistic, and the oldest was removed from the home "because (girlfriend) couldn't handle him and needed help" (this is what my ex had told me) He is now back in the home from what I understand.
My daughter sleeps on the couch or shares a bunk bed with the middle boy when she sleeps there. My concern is that she is getting older and needs some privacy, or at least her own bed to sleep in. I am also uncomfortable with the fact that they don't seem to have control over the oldest's actions.
My babysitter who also works with special needs kids has suggested that this is possibly a dangerous situation, particularly since the oldest boy is going through puberty and has already been removed from the home once.
I would like to file an order stating that my daughter needs to have her own room, or at the least shares a room with the youngest child only, and that the 2 older boys would share a room. I have no idea if I even have legal grounds to request this, and I know that the ex does not have the funds for a bigger home. What can I do? I am mostly worried about misplaced sexual frustration on the part of the oldest boy.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

When my 6yr old daughter has visitation with her dad she doesn't have her own space. The Girlfriend has 3 boys ages 3, 10 and 12. The 2 younger boys share a room and the older has his own room. The 3yr old and the 12yr old are both autistic, and the oldest was removed from the home "because (girlfriend) couldn't handle him and needed help" (this is what my ex had told me) He is now back in the home from what I understand.
My daughter sleeps on the couch or shares a bunk bed with the middle boy when she sleeps there. My concern is that she is getting older and needs some privacy, or at least her own bed to sleep in. I am also uncomfortable with the fact that they don't seem to have control over the oldest's actions.
My babysitter who also works with special needs kids has suggested that this is possibly a dangerous situation, particularly since the oldest boy is going through puberty and has already been removed from the home once.
I would like to file an order stating that my daughter needs to have her own room, or at the least shares a room with the youngest child only, and that the 2 older boys would share a room. I have no idea if I even have legal grounds to request this, and I know that the ex does not have the funds for a bigger home. What can I do? I am mostly worried about misplaced sexual frustration on the part of the oldest boy.

The court will not order that she has her own room, nor will it order Dad to follow your preference.

 

[stealth2]

How do you know tha boy has sexual frustration, misplaced or otherwisee

 

[Zigner]

And, if you happened to get such an order, how do you expect to enforce it?

 

[eerelations]

Not all 12-year-old boys will rape a six-year-old girl just because she happens to be sleeping in the same room they are. What makes you so sure this one will?

 

[Jingle2]

As I said he is not a typical 12 yr old, he has already been removed from the home due to acting out behaviors., but comes home on visitation once a week. I don't know how I would enforce it, obviously I can't be there. I don't think that it is appropriate for children that are not siblings and of opposite genders to share a room when there is such a huge age gap, or once either one reaches puberty if not only for privacy. I should also add that this is a fairly new relationship for her father, as he has had a habit of hopping around to whichever woman will pay for him to have a place to stay. So it is not as if my daughter has grown up knowing the boys either. I am not saying that anything bad is happening in the home as I don't have any proof. But in talking with others that have had more experience they have warned me that this is potentially not a good situation and if it was their child they would not be comfortable with it either. My initial question was if I had any legal grounds to make this request. However due to recent events, I will be filing a motion to modify custody because of a completely unrelated matter. So while I am in the process, I might as well ask for it, and see what happens.

 

[Ohiogal]

As I said he is not a typical 12 yr old, he has already been removed from the home due to acting out behaviors., but comes home on visitation once a week. I don't know how I would enforce it, obviously I can't be there. I don't think that it is appropriate for children that are not siblings and of opposite genders to share a room when there is such a huge age gap, or once either one reaches puberty if not only for privacy. I should also add that this is a fairly new relationship for her father, as he has had a habit of hopping around to whichever woman will pay for him to have a place to stay. So it is not as if my daughter has grown up knowing the boys either. I am not saying that anything bad is happening in the home as I don't have any proof. But in talking with others that have had more experience they have warned me that this is potentially not a good situation and if it was their child they would not be comfortable with it either. My initial question was if I had any legal grounds to make this request. However due to recent events, I will be filing a motion to modify custody because of a completely unrelated matter. So while I am in the process, I might as well ask for it, and see what happens.

There is nothing wrong with your daughter sleeping on the couch. You appear to be overly controlling. How many times have you met the child? What do you know FIRST HAND about the child? Your babysitter has NO right to be talking about this child she doesn't know. What is her background to say anything? What degrees does she have? How often has she met this child? Your babysitter says so? REALLY?

 

[anearthw]

I agree this is a poor situation, but your only real recourse is to explain to dad that you would prefer your daughter slept on the couch or at least not in the room of the 12 year old.

I suppose your babysitter (qualifications?) is referencing the fact that children with autism generally have poor/odd social skills, but there is no evidence to suggest that they are at an increased risk of becoming predators. Is she a psychologist? This is what my autistic son's psychologist/psychiatric team have advised me. He is more likely to retreat away from the opposite sex than to act out "sexual frustration". Autism is a spectrum disorder and it isn't unusual for children with autism to be removed to respite homes because parents struggle, it's common practice, especially for those of us with other children who need care.

 

[Jingle2]

There is nothing wrong with your daughter sleeping on the couch. You appear to be overly controlling. How many times have you met the child? What do you know FIRST HAND about the child? Your babysitter has NO right to be talking about this child she doesn't know. What is her background to say anything? What degrees does she have? How often has she met this child? Your babysitter says so? REALLY?

I actually don't have a problem with her sleeping on the couch. She is the one who has told me that she is "afraid" of sleeping on the couch. I have not met the child, I only have what my ex has told me via text "that the boys are mean to her" and that "___ isn't living there anymore because (mom) couldn't handle him". I only asked my babysitter because she has extensive experience with children with autism and other special needs, and does have appropriate training (for her other job as an aide for developmentally disabled children) I don't know if she has a degree, but I can ask if that would satisfy you further. I don't have any experience, so that is why I asked questions. I am not trying to keep my child from seeing her father, he is not a horrible person, he is actually quite a good dad, when he is involved. If anything, I have tried to accommodate his shortcomings and made it as easy as possible for the sake of our child. There are a good deal many other issues in this situation, but this is just one particular one I wanted clarification about, as in, do I have any legal grounds for my request...that is all I wanted to know. Thank you for your input, but I don't need name calling, lets keep this professional.

 

[Proserpina]

So no sleepovers then?

Camping with cousins?

Let's put this another way though.

If one of the boys is going to start something with your daughter, changing rooms isn't going to stop him.

Mom, the courts don't generally look at "what if". They look for current problems. Blended families are inevitably going to have a different dynamic than Mom, Dad and 2.4 children. Probably the worst thing you can do at this point is make a big deal of it.

 

[Ohiogal]

I actually don't have a problem with her sleeping on the couch. She is the one who has told me that she is "afraid" of sleeping on the couch. I have not met the child, I only have what my ex has told me via text "that the boys are mean to her" and that "___ isn't living there anymore because (mom) couldn't handle him". I only asked my babysitter because she has extensive experience with children with autism and other special needs, and does have appropriate training (for her other job as an aide for developmentally disabled children) I don't know if she has a degree, but I can ask if that would satisfy you further. I don't have any experience, so that is why I asked questions. I am not trying to keep my child from seeing her father, he is not a horrible person, he is actually quite a good dad, when he is involved. If anything, I have tried to accommodate his shortcomings and made it as easy as possible for the sake of our child. There are a good deal many other issues in this situation, but this is just one particular one I wanted clarification about, as in, do I have any legal grounds for my request...that is all I wanted to know. Thank you for your input, but I don't need name calling, lets keep this professional.

Name calling? I didn't call names. Unless you consider me stating that you are overly controlling is name calling. And that is actually stating a fact. Your babysitter has NO RIGHT to be stating anything about this situation and her opinion won't matter at all to a court. Especially if she doesn't have a degree and she has never met the child. She is dealing with stereotypes. And your opinion on the matter also really doesn't matter because you have no evidence this will do anything. You however have spewed your ignorance all over (the 12 year old might be sexually frustrated -- maybe you are sexually frustrated OR frigid). You need to quit.

 

[Proserpina]

I didn't realize OP was in Oregon.

Oregon, like WA and most (all?) other states, has no law against shoving 5 kids of different ages and genders into one room. Two sets of bunk-beds, one fold-away...well, you get the picture. The left-hand side of the country sometimes takes it even further - to the degree that if a parent withholds visitation because they don't like the NCP's sleeping arrangements, that parent WILL get reamed in court.

Not might, not probably, but will. Privacy issue? That's what doors on bathrooms are for.

The ONLY time it becomes a problem is with zoning ordinances, and when the State has some control over the sleeping arrangements.

The court can't make Dad move to a bigger house, the court can't make Mom move, the court can't force either parent to comply with the preferred sleeping arrangements the other parent uses.

OP, please take this to heart. I do believe it would be extremely foolish of you to raise a fuss about this in court unless you've got actual proof that the situation is harmful.