17yo Wants to Opt Out of Visitation with Father

[sllooney]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Alabama

I'm a divorced mom in Alabama with a 17year-old daughter. Me and my ex-husband share joint legal custody. I have primary physical custody. Can my daughter choose to "opt out" of visitation with her father?

 

[cbg]

Yes, as soon as she is 19 years old, which is the legal age of majority in your state, she can make up her own mind whether to visit her father or not. As long as she is still a minor and there is court-ordered visitation, however, to Dad's she goes.

 

[stealth2]

What is behind her desire to no longer visit her Dad? Not that ahe gets to make that decision, but there are often compromises the parties can reach.

 

[sllooney]

17yo wants to opt out of visitation

What is behind her desire to no longer visit her Dad? Not that ahe gets to make that decision, but there are often compromises the parties can reach.

That is quite a loaded question. However, she (in her words) feels no emotional connection to her father or his home. He has throughout the years said and done things in front of her (as well as in front of both my daughter and me together) that was very emotionally and mentally abusive. Some of the most hurtful things were comments about me. This obviously had an awful effect on her.

I am not trying to paint myself to be a saint. However, I have attempted to cultivate a healthy, loving relationship between my daughter and her dad since she was born. I honestly believe that his words/actions have all been jabs at me. Unfortunately, my daughter is caught in the crossfire. She is definitely a victim of circumstance that she has no control over.

We have all gone through months of counselling together. But that unfortunately broke down. It's just very difficult to watch the effects that this is having on my daughter. She is about to be a senior in high school. These should be some of the best days in her life. And that is not the case at this point.

 

[Ohiogal]

That is quite a loaded question. However, she (in her words) feels no emotional connection to her father or his home. He has throughout the years said and done things in front of her (as well as in front of both my daughter and me together) that was very emotionally and mentally abusive. Some of the most hurtful things were comments about me. This obviously had an awful effect on her.

I am not trying to paint myself to be a saint. However, I have attempted to cultivate a healthy, loving relationship between my daughter and her dad since she was born. I honestly believe that his words/actions have all been jabs at me. Unfortunately, my daughter is caught in the crossfire. She is definitely a victim of circumstance that she has no control over.

We have all gone through months of counselling together. But that unfortunately broke down. It's just very difficult to watch the effects that this is having on my daughter. She is about to be a senior in high school. These should be some of the best days in her life. And that is not the case at this point.

You weren't asked a loaded question. You were asked a question. And the fact of the matter is that a child doesn't get to dictate visitation or whether it takes place. Your daughter is a child.

 

[stealth2]

That is quite a loaded question. However, she (in her words) feels no emotional connection to her father or his home. He has throughout the years said and done things in front of her (as well as in front of both my daughter and me together) that was very emotionally and mentally abusive. Some of the most hurtful things were comments about me. This obviously had an awful effect on her.

I am not trying to paint myself to be a saint. However, I have attempted to cultivate a healthy, loving relationship between my daughter and her dad since she was born. I honestly believe that his words/actions have all been jabs at me. Unfortunately, my daughter is caught in the crossfire. She is definitely a victim of circumstance that she has no control over.

We have all gone through months of counselling together. But that unfortunately broke down. It's just very difficult to watch the effects that this is having on my daughter. She is about to be a senior in high school. These should be some of the best days in her life. And that is not the case at this point.

BTDT. However.... It does not negate the court order. I can say that, had their Dad wanted the visitation? The kids would have gone, period. Whether they were keen on it or not. It was not optional in my home. Really - you can insist she go.

 

[sllooney]

Opt out of visitation

BTDT. However.... It does not negate the court order. I can say that, had their Dad wanted the visitation? The kids would have gone, period. Whether they were keen on it or not. It was not optional in my home. Really - you can insist she go.

Thanks for the objective feedback. Hard to hear as a Mom but she is still, after all, a child.

 

[TheGeekess]

That is quite a loaded question. However, she (in her words) feels no emotional connection to her father or his home. He has throughout the years said and done things in front of her (as well as in front of both my daughter and me together) that was very emotionally and mentally abusive. Some of the most hurtful things were comments about me. This obviously had an awful effect on her.

I am not trying to paint myself to be a saint. However, I have attempted to cultivate a healthy, loving relationship between my daughter and her dad since she was born. I honestly believe that his words/actions have all been jabs at me. Unfortunately, my daughter is caught in the crossfire. She is definitely a victim of circumstance that she has no control over.

We have all gone through months of counselling together. But that unfortunately broke down. It's just very difficult to watch the effects that this is having on my daughter. She is about to be a senior in high school. These should be some of the best days in her life. And that is not the case at this point.

Is your daughter in individual counseling? It would help her deal with her father's attitude.

If you don't obey the court order, Dad may very well end up with custody if the court finds the refusals egregious. So, her choices are to go and make the best of it, or not go and risk living with Dad.

 

[sllooney]

Opt-out of visitation

You weren't asked a loaded question. You were asked a question. And the fact of the matter is that a child doesn't get to dictate visitation or whether it takes place. Your daughter is a child.

Thanks for the objective feedback. Hard to hear as a Mom but she is still, after all, a child.

 

[sllooney]

Opt Out of Visitation

Is your daughter in individual counseling? It would help her deal with her father's attitude.

If you don't obey the court order, Dad may very well end up with custody if the court finds the refusals egregious. So, her choices are to go and make the best of it, or not go and risk living with Dad.

She has been in individual counseling. Has helped a bit. However, she does not mince her words "I don't want a relationship with my Dad". Under what circumstances would the refusals be considered "egregious"?

 

[TheGeekess]

She has been in individual counseling. Has helped a bit. However, she does not mince her words "I don't want a relationship with my Dad". Under what circumstances would the refusals be considered "egregious"?

That would depend on the court and how well Dad's attorney presents Dad's case.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Have you asked your X about changing the parenting time plan? Would dad be amenable to say, weekly dinners that they always go to?

I have a 17 yo that does not want to participate in the parenting plan that exists for this summer. She's already graduated and starting college. It's really different. And dad doesn't get it because it's all about him and not her.

 

[sllooney]

Opt-out of visitation

Have you asked your X about changing the parenting time plan? Would dad be amenable to say, weekly dinners that they always go to?

I have a 17 yo that does not want to participate in the parenting plan that exists for this summer. She's already graduated and starting college. It's really different. And dad doesn't get it because it's all about him and not her.

I have not approached her father about changing parenting time. Historically, he has been of the mindset that he is the better parent. But maybe I need to consider this. Is it fair to my daughter to ask that she have a conversation with her dad about her feelings? Should I be a part of that conversation?

I have tried forever to accommodate her dad regarding visitation. But, ultimately, his reactions are completely directed at me and trying to get a reaction from me. I refuse to participate in his rants which makes him even more angry. This all seems to be less of trying to cultivate a loving relationship with his daughter and more of issues with me personally.

It is just so sad. She will be off to college next year. And my hopes for a close relationship between them is unraveling.