Custody Arrangements

[DivorcingSlowly]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

I have a question about custody arrangements.

I'm currently in the middle of a divorce, with one child. In our original orders, my ex was ordered to complete a parenting class (as was I), complete an anger management course (because of domestic violence), complete monthly drug testing, keep the court informed of his address, and pay child support. He was ordered to have visitation on the 2nd and 4th weekends of every month. He refused to complete the ordered classes, never completed any drug testing, and wouldn't submit his address to the court. He also quit paying child support in January.

On one of his weekends with our child, he left our kid alone at night in his apartment. Our child left the apartment and suffered a (minor) injury. Since that incident, our kiddo has had lots of issues with fear and anxiety, so I've had him in play therapy, which I have invited my ex to participate in at my expense.

I went back to court to modify our temporary orders after the incident where our kid was left alone. Because my ex didn't show up, and because he hadn't completed any of the prior orders, his visitation and access to our child was suspended at that time. This was back in February of this year.

We were ordered into mediation in early May, and during mediation, my ex said he wants a 50-50 time split with our child. I said that I want him to complete all the things he was previously ordered to do, plus attend therapy with our child and have a period of supervised access with our child. My lawyer pushed me to ask for a year of supervised visitation, where my ex would only see our child for 2 hours a week at a facility, where he would have to pay $45-80/visit.

No agreement was made during mediation. My ex said he'd rather take his chances at trial. Neither my lawyer nor I think he has a good chance of being successful at trial, but as he represents himself, he has nothing to lose, whereas I am financially bleeding from all the legal fees. I'd still like to try to come to a mutually acceptable agreement to avoid a trial.

My lawyer keeps telling me not to negotiate with him, but my ex's argument is that a year is a long time to have so little access to his own kid. I can see both sides of this argument, and envision something that might work, if the court would allow it.

I would like to see an arrangement that works in 3 month increments. For the first 3 months, my ex completes all his required orders AND attends therapy with our child. He has supervised access during those 3 months. If all that goes well, then for the next 3 months, they continue therapy if the therapist feels it's advisable, but now my ex sees our child for 1 day/afternoon unsupervised. After those 3 months are up, we evaluate his living situation (he is essentially homeless at this time; bumming rooms off of friends) and discuss a plan for overnight visits.

Is something like this feasible or will a judge think I'm ridiculous? Or am I crazy for even considering bending on the 1 year supervised access?

I just want to both keep our child safe AND facilitate a safe and healthy relationship between our child and his father, if that's possible.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

I have a question about custody arrangements.

I'm currently in the middle of a divorce, with one child. In our original orders, my ex was ordered to complete a parenting class (as was I), complete an anger management course (because of domestic violence), complete monthly drug testing, keep the court informed of his address, and pay child support. He was ordered to have visitation on the 2nd and 4th weekends of every month. He refused to complete the ordered classes, never completed any drug testing, and wouldn't submit his address to the court. He also quit paying child support in January.

On one of his weekends with our child, he left our kid alone at night in his apartment. Our child left the apartment and suffered a (minor) injury. Since that incident, our kiddo has had lots of issues with fear and anxiety, so I've had him in play therapy, which I have invited my ex to participate in at my expense.

I went back to court to modify our temporary orders after the incident where our kid was left alone. Because my ex didn't show up, and because he hadn't completed any of the prior orders, his visitation and access to our child was suspended at that time. This was back in February of this year.

We were ordered into mediation in early May, and during mediation, my ex said he wants a 50-50 time split with our child. I said that I want him to complete all the things he was previously ordered to do, plus attend therapy with our child and have a period of supervised access with our child. My lawyer pushed me to ask for a year of supervised visitation, where my ex would only see our child for 2 hours a week at a facility, where he would have to pay $45-80/visit.

No agreement was made during mediation. My ex said he'd rather take his chances at trial. Neither my lawyer nor I think he has a good chance of being successful at trial, but as he represents himself, he has nothing to lose, whereas I am financially bleeding from all the legal fees. I'd still like to try to come to a mutually acceptable agreement to avoid a trial.

My lawyer keeps telling me not to negotiate with him, but my ex's argument is that a year is a long time to have so little access to his own kid. I can see both sides of this argument, and envision something that might work, if the court would allow it.

I would like to see an arrangement that works in 3 month increments. For the first 3 months, my ex completes all his required orders AND attends therapy with our child. He has supervised access during those 3 months. If all that goes well, then for the next 3 months, they continue therapy if the therapist feels it's advisable, but now my ex sees our child for 1 day/afternoon unsupervised. After those 3 months are up, we evaluate his living situation (he is essentially homeless at this time; bumming rooms off of friends) and discuss a plan for overnight visits.

Is something like this feasible or will a judge think I'm ridiculous? Or am I crazy for even considering bending on the 1 year supervised access?

I just want to both keep our child safe AND facilitate a safe and healthy relationship between our child and his father, if that's possible.

And what if your ex doesn't complete those things in the first three months? I am with your lawyer on this one to a certain extent -- dad should have supervised visits. My thought it should be supervised until he complies with all court orders and participates in therapy with the child. If the supervised visits go well and the supervisor and therapist do not have concerns then dad can move into unsupervised visits. BUT DO NOT put it at an arbitrary time period.

How old is your child? He was left alone and injured -- you are extremely lucky that CPS didn't remove the child from your custody and force you both to complete a caseplan. That could have happened. From where I sit, your ex has not complied with ANY court orders and doesn't care about the child. He cares about his pocketbook which is why he wants 50/50 time. You are willing to basically "sell" your child in order to prevent owing an attorney. I know that sounds harsh but when your child was injured while left alone? He could have been killed.

 

[stealth2]

I would think, if the child is in play therapy, he is quite young. While I understand your desire to facilitate a relationship, I agree with OG that it would be better to tie increased visitation to compliance with the court orders. If he does so in less time, the plan moves ahead sooner. If it takes him longer? Then the schedule preogresses more slowly. I'd avoid any hard time frames, personally.

 

[DivorcingSlowly]

Ok, thanks. You're right; it's better to err on the side of caution, and if my ex really values a relationship with his child, he'll make the most of his supervised visits.

My issue is that I truly can't afford a trial.

In my last set of orders, the judge said I could take the car my exis driving (titled to me) and sell it, splitting the proceeds evenly between us. My parents, who are helping with my legal bills, and my attorney want me to take the car as a way to force him into an agreement.

Their suggestion is that I lure him to my house, where someone will be standing by to take the car. At that point, I'm supposed to tell him if he signs an agreement, I'll sign the car over to him. If he doesn't, I'll sell the car. He really wants the car, so my attorney and parents feel like this will be effective to getting him to sign the agreement I want.

However, it feels like blackmail or something. Is it legal to have someone sign an agreement under those circumstances? If he signed, could he then tell the judge he signed under duress??

 

[I'mTheFather]

Ok, thanks. You're right; it's better to err on the side of caution, and if my ex really values a relationship with his child, he'll make the most of his supervised visits.

My issue is that I truly can't afford a trial.

In my last set of orders, the judge said I could take the car my exis driving (titled to me) and sell it, splitting the proceeds evenly between us. My parents, who are helping with my legal bills, and my attorney want me to take the car as a way to force him into an agreement.

Their suggestion is that I lure him to my house, where someone will be standing by to take the car. At that point, I'm supposed to tell him if he signs an agreement, I'll sign the car over to him. If he doesn't, I'll sell the car. He really wants the car, so my attorney and parents feel like this will be effective to getting him to sign the agreement I want.

However, it feels like blackmail or something. Is it legal to have someone sign an agreement under those circumstances? If he signed, could he then tell the judge he signed under duress??

I'm flabbergasted that your attorney thinks that's a good idea, especially with the DV background.

Why didn't the car come up in mediation? Why not just offer it now as an incentive to sign. That would be considered a negotiation.

 

[DivorcingSlowly]

Yes I'm surprised at this suggestion. Even if legal, it just seems like a nasty thing to do.

I have offered him the car. He won't agree to anything that doesn't include more access to our kiddo, which is why everyone has encouraged me to take the car away, I guess.

Just for added info - after he left our child alone, I did notify Cps and cooperated fully with them investigating me. My ex, however, refused to cooperate, and they said they couldn't force him too and since our son only experienced a busted lip as a result, it wasn't serious enough for them to pursue further. They closed out their investigation.

My ex is getting legal advice from a group called "fathers for fairness" or. "Fathers for equal rights" (something like that) and states this group has told him not to agree to anything less than a 50-50 time split.

If he won't come to an agreement, I suppose there's no choice but trial? And if so, do you think it's likely he'd be given a 50-50 time split?

 

[I'mTheFather]

There are safer ways to take the car. For one, ask him for it since it was awarded to you in court. If he refuses, file a motion for contempt.

 

[DivorcingSlowly]

I did ask for the car, several months ago. Our kiddo needed $6000 worth of dental work, so I wanted to sell the car and use my half of the proceeds to pay for it. He hid the car out of state in response, so I had to borrow money from my 401k and my parents to pay for the dental work.

Filing for contempt - what does that do? Just reprimand him? He won't care.

 

[LdiJ]

Yes I'm surprised at this suggestion. Even if legal, it just seems like a nasty thing to do.

I have offered him the car. He won't agree to anything that doesn't include more access to our kiddo, which is why everyone has encouraged me to take the car away, I guess.

Just for added info - after he left our child alone, I did notify Cps and cooperated fully with them investigating me. My ex, however, refused to cooperate, and they said they couldn't force him too and since our son only experienced a busted lip as a result, it wasn't serious enough for them to pursue further. They closed out their investigation.

My ex is getting legal advice from a group called "fathers for fairness" or. "Fathers for equal rights" (something like that) and states this group has told him not to agree to anything less than a 50-50 time split.

If he won't come to an agreement, I suppose there's no choice but trial? And if so, do you think it's likely he'd be given a 50-50 time split?

He left your young son alone at night and the child was injured. There is virtually no chance that he is going to get unsupervised visitation, let alone a 50/50 split. That father's group is doing him a grave disservice in this instance.

 

[single317dad]

Filing for contempt - what does that do? Just reprimand him? He won't care.

https://www.yourhonor.com/benchbookhold/tbb/export.cfm?c=8&s=all

http://www.texas-opinions.com/law-contempt.html

 

[DivorcingSlowly]

Update

Being a curious person myself, I thought you guys might wonder how some of the cases you gets questions about turn out.

I did not attempt to take my ex's car, as I felt unsafe doing so. Instead, I requested in my divorce. I made two more attempts to settle with my ex, but he wouldn't budge on the 50-50 custody, so we prepared for trial.

Our trial date was today. We came in and he told my attorney he wanted to settle. I got everything I was asking for as far as custody - supervised visits for 1 year, he attends anger management, he attends both individual therapy and therapy with our kiddo, does monthly drug testing, and must have a psychiatric eval before he can seek to modify. As far as property, he willingly surrendered the car, and I'm to give him a small amount of cash from the sale.

I was astonished, really, because our agreement in mediation (which he walked out on) was far more beneficial to him. It was like he gave up, which actually made me pretty sad.

But hopefully he'll be on track now to develop a healthy relationship with our kiddo.

Thanks so much for all of your help and patience with all my questions.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Thank you for the update. May it all go well at this point forward.

 

[LdiJ]

Being a curious person myself, I thought you guys might wonder how some of the cases you gets questions about turn out.

I did not attempt to take my ex's car, as I felt unsafe doing so. Instead, I requested in my divorce. I made two more attempts to settle with my ex, but he wouldn't budge on the 50-50 custody, so we prepared for trial.

Our trial date was today. We came in and he told my attorney he wanted to settle. I got everything I was asking for as far as custody - supervised visits for 1 year, he attends anger management, he attends both individual therapy and therapy with our kiddo, does monthly drug testing, and must have a psychiatric eval before he can seek to modify. As far as property, he willingly surrendered the car, and I'm to give him a small amount of cash from the sale.

I was astonished, really, because our agreement in mediation (which he walked out on) was far more beneficial to him. It was like he gave up, which actually made me pretty sad.

But hopefully he'll be on track now to develop a healthy relationship with our kiddo.

Thanks so much for all of your help and patience with all my questions.

I am rather astonished as well. I suspect that either he finally told the father's rights group the full truth about his situation and they told him to take the deal, or he finally talked to an attorney who told him the same.

Hopefully things will go well from here forward.