Legal Recourse or No?

[jspgolf]

Easton, PA - Sorry for the length of detail. Just wondering if I have options here. My marriage has been in the toilet since 2012. Starting in March 2013, my wife started leaving the house just about every Thur, Fri and Sat after we put the kids to bed and doesn't return until between 4-9 am the next day. The frequency of this continued over a long period of time and it finally came to a head in April 2014. I've kept a journal of dates and times in case I need them later. I confronted her then and her response was that she indeed wanted a divorce and she had no desire nor intention to pursue marriage counseling. After some back and forth, we both decided that we just couldn't afford the "contentious divorce" route. We'd honestly exhaust our children's college funds doing that. I made her a cash offer, in lieu of alimony and her share of the house. I am keeping the marital home. We agreed on and documented, financials, division of assets and the parenting provisions. We just don't agree on the parenting schedule and in PA, mediation is mandatory so this remaining piece can get decided there. I documented everything we agreed to and told her to retain an attorney to draft and serve me and I retained an attorney to complete the document review for legal accuracy, before I sign. We're good there. The only issue I have, at this point, is that since we made that agreement, not only has she checked out of the marriage, but she's also checked out from co-parenting as well. Now it is everyday, she leaves the house in the morning to take our son to daycare and I take our daughter to summer camp. I work from home full time. She doesn't return to the home until after I pick up both of our children at 5pm. She's usually back by 6pm as I'm finishing dinner. She's there until we give baths and put the kids to bed by 8:30pm. Our kids are 3 and 7 years old. By 9pm she's back out the door and doesn't come back to the home until the next morning to help get the kids ready. For the last month I've been asking her the status of the paperwork. My attorney is emailing me asking what is the delay. It's one excuse after the other and I'm getting frustrated. This dysfunctional state we're living in is really not healthy for the kids.

To make it clear, I could care less if she's seeing someone else, etc. Those are her choices. My real question is whether this behavior is something I have to live with her attorney gets the paperwork done to avoid a contentious and expensive divorce? Do I have any legal recourse here, other than filing myself and negating everything we agreed to? I'm just wondering if that kind of behavior is acceptable? I know if the roles were reversed and it was me staying out like that, with her not knowing where I am, I'd more than likely have major issues on my hand.

UPDATE - sorry if I wasn't clear. She also works at a restaurant, as a waitress, and works varying shifts weekly. She only has 1 day off during the week so that when she spends more time with the kids. The rest of the time, it's dinner shifts (4pm till 11pm) so the kids really don't see her her at all other than mornings 4 out of 7 days. By the time she gets off, they're already in bed and she'll take a shower, get dressed and is gone until the next morning.

Thanks for your time.

 

[Proserpina]

Easton, PA - Sorry for the length of detail. Just wondering if I have options here. My marriage has been in the toilet since 2012. Starting in March 2013, my wife started leaving the house just about every Thur, Fri and Sat after we put the kids to bed and doesn't return until between 4-9 am the next day. The frequency of this continued over a long period of time and it finally came to a head in April 2014. I've kept a journal of dates and times in case I need them later. I confronted her then and her response was that she indeed wanted a divorce and she had no desire nor intention to pursue marriage counseling. After some back and forth, we both decided that we just couldn't afford the "contentious divorce" route. We'd honestly exhaust our children's college funds doing that. I made her a cash offer, in lieu of alimony and her share of the house. I am keeping the marital home. We agreed on and documented, financials, division of assets and the parenting provisions. We just don't agree on the parenting schedule and in PA, mediation is mandatory so this remaining piece can get decided there. I documented everything we agreed to and told her to retain an attorney to draft and serve me and I retained an attorney to complete the document review for legal accuracy, before I sign. We're good there. The only issue I have, at this point, is that since we made that agreement, not only has she checked out of the marriage, but she's also checked out from co-parenting as well. Now it is everyday, she leaves the house in the morning to take our son to daycare and I take our daughter to summer camp. I work from home full time. She doesn't return to the home until after I pick up both of our children at 5pm. She's usually back by 6pm as I'm finishing dinner. She's there until we give baths and put the kids to bed by 8:30pm. Our kids are 3 and 7 years old. By 9pm she's back out the door and doesn't come back to the home until the next morning to help get the kids ready. For the last month I've been asking her the status of the paperwork. My attorney is emailing me asking what is the delay. It's one excuse after the other and I'm getting frustrated. This dysfunctional state we're living in is really not healthy for the kids.

To make it clear, I could care less if she's seeing someone else, etc. Those are her choices. My real question is whether this behavior is something I have to live with her attorney gets the paperwork done to avoid a contentious and expensive divorce? Do I have any legal recourse here, other than filing myself and negating everything we agreed to? I'm just wondering if that kind of behavior is acceptable? I know if the roles were reversed and it was me staying out like that, with her not knowing where I am, I'd more than likely have major issues on my hand.

Thanks for your time.

What's causing the parenting time disagreement? That's probably the best place to start.

 

[ShyCat]

The only issue I have, at this point, is that since we made that agreement, not only has she checked out of the marriage, but she's also checked out from co-parenting as well. Now it is everyday, she leaves the house in the morning to take our son to daycare and I take our daughter to summer camp. I work from home full time. She doesn't return to the home until after I pick up both of our children at 5pm. She's usually back by 6pm as I'm finishing dinner. She's there until we give baths and put the kids to bed by 8:30pm. Our kids are 3 and 7 years old. By 9pm she's back out the door and doesn't come back to the home until the next morning to help get the kids ready.

I don't understand how she's "checked out from co-parenting". She's there in the morning to help get the kids ready, takes your son to daycare, is usually home within an hour of the kids being picked up, and is there to give baths and put the kids to bed. That hardly seems a case for "checked out from co-parenting".

 

[stealth2]

You could, of course, simply file yourself, maintaining your agreement. Novel idea, I know.

 

[jspgolf]

I don't understand how she's "checked out from co-parenting". She's there in the morning to help get the kids ready, takes your son to daycare, is usually home within an hour of the kids being picked up, and is there to give baths and put the kids to bed. That hardly seems a case for "checked out from co-parenting".

Hi ShyCat, again very sorry I wasn't clear. Monday is her day off so she definitely does that but still leaves at night and doesn't come home until am. Tuesday's. she works 11am - 6pm and again is home for the bedtime routine and leaves right after. Wed-Sat she works dinner shifts and doesn't see them at all.

Again, her personal life is her own, especially since we are going through a divorce. The only problem I have is that since she started doing this, our kids have gotten up during the night a few times and mom wasn't there. Upsetting to them. Because of this, our 7 yr old daughter has now become what I call "Mother Superior". She's getting up on a regualr basis now to see if mom if there and when she isn't, she starts crying and I have to put her back to bed explaining that mom needs time alone or any excuse I can think of at the time.

I asked my wife nicely to possibly curb her hours until we're finalized and she gets her payout so she can move. I explained the situation about our daughter and my responses so she would know I'm still presenting 1 face for both of us to our kids. She initially said ok and that she understood and that lasted for 1 day. as soon as her cell blows up with text messages, she's out the door again. Most people would say that their isn't a problem because the kids are in bed. In my mind, I disagree with that because parenting doesn't stop when your kids go to sleep, especially if their prone to getting up at night. It just honestly feels like I'm bearing the brunt of that responsibility.

Also, from a financial perspective, since she asked for the divorce, she's no longer helping out around the house. No cooking, no cleaning, no laundry except hers. I'm paying all the bills, including her car and I'm covering 100% of our kids expenses, daycare and summer camp for our daughter. It just feels like the home has just become a place for her to eat, sleep and take showers. Since she's relinquished any financial responsibility towards the household, I just fell that some more assistance with our children, until everything is finalized, isn't too much to ask for.

If I'm being unreasonable, please let me know. Maybe this is more my emotional side than logical. If it is, I will drop it.

 

[jspgolf]

You could, of course, simply file yourself, maintaining your agreement. Novel idea, I know.

Stealth2, thank you for the reply. I honestly didn't realize that. I thought once I filed, it would negate our agreement and become contentious. If this is indeed the case, I will discuss with her and see if she is game for it. I don't want ot blindside her and have her think I'm now backing out of our agreement.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[latigo]

Easton, PA . . .

My advise is that you shift to a lower gear. Like slow down and take a deep breath! Get your emotions under control. Back off from all negotiations, further communications on the subject and listen to your attorney.

She's the one that has broken the marriage. She leaves the children over night caring less should an emergency occur.

Alimony? Cash out for her share of equity? Don't offer it on a silver platter. Make her fight for it.

You've been married for a number of years and you want to wrap it neatly up in a matter of days? Its a common desire, but too often people so affected act compulsively and live to regret it.

 

[Zigner]

She leaves the children over night caring less should an emergency occur.

She's not leaving them alone, lat. She's leaving them with their father. Presumably, the father can handle an emergency, if one were to occur.

 

[jspgolf]

What's causing the parenting time disagreement? That's probably the best place to start.

Proserpina,

We both agree on joint legal custody and we've already agreed on holiday schedule and parenting provisions. I bought the CustodyX software and used that 14 page template for parenting provisions. I'm maintaining Health coverage for the kids under my employer sponsored plan. Gold Plan. Mom doesn't have that expense. Split for copays or anything not covered under plan is 80% me and 20% mom. Everything else, clothes, activities, etc is 80-20.

As for parenting schedule, she wants 1 week - 1 week and alternating weekends. I disagree with that schedule initially due to her varying hours week to week and her plan is to just drop them back off with me when she's working. That sounds reasonable except for the fact that mom has:

1. Varying schedule from week to week and I don't think that's healthy for the kids to do that much switching during the week, depending on mom's schedule. Especially during the school year. They need a routine and continuity in their schedule. (dinner, homework, baths, bedtime, etc)
2. Mom has gone through 3 jobs in less than a year. I don't have the confidence that what I would agree to would be repeatable 3 months from now, let alone long term. I don't want to have to spend more money, petitioning the court for a change in circumstances because she now left this job.
3. Being that she's an hourly employee, with no seniority, she can't respond for those unforeseen occurrences, i.e. sick child, disciplinary, etc. without loss of income or employment itself. That responsibility would still fall on me.
4. Mom is also a full time college student. I agreed in the financials to continue paying for that until she's finished. She's got assignments, homework, etc to get done.
5. I work for a Pharmaceutical Company (19 years on the job) and I'm management. Currently work from home 3 days a week. Under our Work Life Balance Program, if I'm designated as the primary custodial parent, I can work from home full time, no questions ask. I just have to register with HR and provide the documentation with the court's seal/signature.

I'm asking for a more traditional type schedule that leave the kids at home with me, until mom gets established/stabilized. Mom would get 1 definite overnight per week and 1 optional overnight (schedule permitting), 1 dinner alone per week and full and unrestricted access. If she wanted to come have dinner, as a family (schedule permitting), she's more than welcome to. Also, every other weekend parenting time. If she has a shift during the weekend, she could drop them off to me and after her shift, I could drop them back to her. No biggie there.

If mom stays in the restaurant industry or get's a 9-5 job, like me, then we can change the schedule accordingly. I just need her to have stability. Our kids need both of us. All I'm asking for is a normal schedule for us to establish a baseline from. It's kind of hard to negotiate in good faith on a schedule, when 1 party has set hours and is at the mercy of the other parties schedule weekly.

 

[LdiJ]

Proserpina,

We both agree on joint legal custody and we've already agreed on holiday schedule and parenting provisions. I bought the CustodyX software and used that 14 page template for parenting provisions. I'm maintaining Health coverage for the kids under my employer sponsored plan. Gold Plan. Mom doesn't have that expense. Split for copays or anything not covered under plan is 80% me and 20% mom. Everything else, clothes, activities, etc is 80-20.

As for parenting schedule, she wants 1 week - 1 week and alternating weekends. I disagree with that schedule initially due to her varying hours week to week and her plan is to just drop them back off with me when she's working. That sounds reasonable except for the fact that mom has:

1. Varying schedule from week to week and I don't think that's healthy for the kids to do that much switching during the week, depending on mom's schedule. Especially during the school year. They need a routine and continuity in their schedule. (dinner, homework, baths, bedtime, etc)
2. Mom has gone through 3 jobs in less than a year. I don't have the confidence that what I would agree to would be repeatable 3 months from now, let alone long term. I don't want to have to spend more money, petitioning the court for a change in circumstances because she now left this job.
3. Being that she's an hourly employee, with no seniority, she can't respond for those unforeseen occurrences, i.e. sick child, disciplinary, etc. without loss of income or employment itself. That responsibility would still fall on me.
4. Mom is also a full time college student. I agreed in the financials to continue paying for that until she's finished. She's got assignments, homework, etc to get done.
5. I work for a Pharmaceutical Company (19 years on the job) and I'm management. Currently work from home 3 days a week. Under our Work Life Balance Program, if I'm designated as the primary custodial parent, I can work from home full time, no questions ask. I just have to register with HR and provide the documentation with the court's seal/signature.

I'm asking for a more traditional type schedule that leave the kids at home with me, until mom gets established/stabilized. Mom would get 1 definite overnight per week and 1 optional overnight (schedule permitting), 1 dinner alone per week and full and unrestricted access. If she wanted to come have dinner, as a family (schedule permitting), she's more than welcome to. Also, every other weekend parenting time. If she has a shift during the weekend, she could drop them off to me and after her shift, I could drop them back to her. No biggie there.

If mom stays in the restaurant industry or get's a 9-5 job, like me, then we can change the schedule accordingly. I just need her to have stability. Our kids need both of us. All I'm asking for is a normal schedule for us to establish a baseline from. It's kind of hard to negotiate in good faith on a schedule, when 1 party has set hours and is at the mercy of the other parties schedule weekly.

Dad, there is no problem with the type of schedule you are proposing (although you are not guaranteed to get it) but you REALLY need to figure out a different way to argue it. You are coming across just a tad bit controlling and you don't want to come across that way in court. Saying things like "I just need her to have stability"...or "she is more than welcome to come over and have dinner as a family" are not likely to sit well with a judge or other court professionals.

However, have you considered a different split? You state that mom works days on Mondays and Tuesdays. So why not a schedule that gives mom every single Monday and Tuesday overnight, with you having Wed and Thurs and then rotate a Friday, Saturday, Sunday overnight weekend? That would give each of you 7 overnights out of 14 with the children.

 

[Silverplum]

Everyone, sit down.

I agree with Ld.

 

[LdiJ]

Everyone, sit down.

I agree with Ld.

LOL...that is historic!

 

[jspgolf]

She's not leaving them alone, lat. She's leaving them with their father. Presumably, the father can handle an emergency, if one were to occur.

Zigner and Lat,

You are correct, I can handle any emergencies and thank goodness nothing has happened. Both of our children are still on nebulizers (Asthma issues) so there are times that I have to administer during the night. Again, and not to sound too emotional, I fully understand and accept that the marriage is over. We are both in different places in our life. I'm 8 years older than my wife. My life is my kids and my projects around the home. She enjoys the bars and club life. We did that a lot before we had our children. My priorities changed when they were born. I wanted to tone that aspect of our life down considerably and stash that money into long term savings and college funds. She basically got bored and that's ok. You can't make someone share your dreams. She's really not a bad person but I think, at this point, she self-consumed with her life and her wants, and really not taking into consideration the impact on the kids. It's our job to make this as smooth as an adjustment as possible for them. Not throw them to the wolves and give the canned response, "kids are resilient...they'll adjust". I don't believe that. I saw what that did to her other 2 children from her previous marriage. They didn't adjust well and I'm trying to avoid that here. She'll have her freedom to do as she pleases once the funds are transferred. I just think that between now and then, we owe it to them to ease them into getting used to doing things with us separately while she's still living here. We agreed not to sit down and talk to them until we're close to finalizing everything. I just think her actions right now are creating questions/issues with our kids that are unnecessary and could be avoided altogether. I'm frustrated and hoped she would, in essence, "place nice" until everything was finalized.

Again, I think if the roles were reversed and I was the one doing that, I don't think that would be considered "responsible behavior" and it wouldn't reflect well on me. JMHO.

 

[jspgolf]

Dad, there is no problem with the type of schedule you are proposing (although you are not guaranteed to get it) but you REALLY need to figure out a different way to argue it. You are coming across just a tad bit controlling and you don't want to come across that way in court. Saying things like "I just need her to have stability"...or "she is more than welcome to come over and have dinner as a family" are not likely to sit well with a judge or other court professionals.

However, have you considered a different split? You state that mom works days on Mondays and Tuesdays. So why not a schedule that gives mom every single Monday and Tuesday overnight, with you having Wed and Thurs and then rotate a Friday, Saturday, Sunday overnight weekend? That would give each of you 7 overnights out of 14 with the children.

LDIJ,

Thanks for the response and advice. I don't want to come across as controlling. I was actually trying to come across and a willing co-parent. Bad choice of words and I will correct that. As for Mom's schedule, she does have every Monday off completely. Her schedule on Tues, Wed, Sat and Sun vary from week to week. Thur and Fri are always nights. She did say that for Tues, once she moves out, she may need to take on a regular shift to make money. I have no problem trying to be creative here but again, my concern is during the school year and trying to keep the routine, continuity, etc. If you can recommenced a schedule where both of us can meet their daily needs, without a large amount of shuffling back and forth, I'm game to discuss it with her.

Lastly, is my concern about the multiple jobs changes valid? That's the other factor that doesn't give me comfort in a long term repeatable schedule.

 

[LdiJ]

Zigner and Lat,

You are correct, I can handle any emergencies and thank goodness nothing has happened. Both of our children are still on nebulizers (Asthma issues) so there are times that I have to administer during the night. Again, and not to sound too emotional, I fully understand and accept that the marriage is over. We are both in different places in our life. I'm 8 years older than my wife. My life is my kids and my projects around the home. She enjoys the bars and club life. We did that a lot before we had our children. My priorities changed when they were born. I wanted to tone that aspect of our life down considerably and stash that money into long term savings and college funds. She basically got bored and that's ok. You can't make someone share your dreams. She's really not a bad person but I think, at this point, she self-consumed with her life and her wants, and really not taking into consideration the impact on the kids. It's our job to make this as smooth as an adjustment as possible for them. Not throw them to the wolves and give the canned response, "kids are resilient...they'll adjust". I don't believe that. I saw what that did to her other 2 children from her previous marriage. They didn't adjust well and I'm trying to avoid that here. She'll have her freedom to do as she pleases once the funds are transferred. I just think that between now and then, we owe it to them to ease them into getting used to doing things with us separately while she's still living here. We agreed not to sit down and talk to them until we're close to finalizing everything. I just think her actions right now are creating questions/issues with our kids that are unnecessary and could be avoided altogether. I'm frustrated and hoped she would, in essence, "place nice" until everything was finalized.

Again, I think if the roles were reversed and I was the one doing that, I don't think that would be considered "responsible behavior" and it wouldn't reflect well on me. JMHO.

Dad, I think that you are a little too optimistic about what judges do and don't consider to be important in a divorce and custody situation.