Absentee father wanting to "Co-Parent"

[epiphany0111]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IL (Cook County)

Recently my child's father (never married) saw him for the first time at 8 months. He was absent since before he was born (as he said he wanted nothing to do with my child). Needless to say he is not on the birth certificate. He stated that he wishes to co-parent and knows that we can work something out and be friends for the sake of our child. This came following several summons for paternity testing for child support that he failed to appear for.

Since this first meeting he appeared nearly everyday to see our son for a matter of two weeks. And then became inconsistent. He went back to work after an injury and uses that as an excuse (I say excuse only since at the times he failed to show and I tried to contact him to find out what was going on he would later state he could not respond or was asleep but was actively on a mobile messenging application). The everyday visits went to once in two weeks and now three weeks. This man is a stranger to my child and though I will not deny him visitation I would like to protect my child from his father's lack of reliability but more immediately avoid unnecessary distress in his life by being removed from his caretakers abruptly. As my son is not even 10 months now. I am trying to find information on implementing some type of step up or graduated parenting time schedule. Would it be within reason to ask that he visit my child in home (as he had been, with or without my presence) for 1-2 hour durations for say x amount of months to establish a bond & my child recognize him and until x amount of consecutive unmissed visits before overnights to exercise his reliability and hopefully to reduce my son's likely seperation anxiety? My child's father has not specifically asked for custody. Now that I'm asking him about details on what he wants including setting times he's become unresponsive. Please note I have other concerns but would like to refrain using that in a hearing IF possible as my child's father will make it personal. I'm thinking if he doesn't bring up the visitation at our hearing after all, neither will I...

Thanks in advance!

 

[Eekamouse]

Every bad thing you want to say about your child's father also reflects badly on you. After all, you chose to have a child with this person. He was good enough to bed but now you are questioning if he's good enough to father? Good luck with that. He was under no obligation to you to be around while you were pregnant. That matters not. You're going after child support, expect him to be in the child's life. He has every right to be in it but he doesn't have to have any relationship with you beyond that. The court will dictate what sort of visitation he will get. Not you.

 

[epiphany0111]

Every bad thing you want to say about your child's father also reflects badly on you. After all, you chose to have a child with this person. He was good enough to bed but now you are questioning if he's good enough to father?

Actually most of these concerns were from a conversation that took place while I was pregnant when he admitted his other son (through his ex-wife) was emotionally unstable and he admitted much fault in it. This child was then 10 yo threatening to kill himself and on anti-depressants. Their father also admitted to using hard drugs. Something I approached him about previously but had nothing to go on besides hearsay. Did he say these things to sway me into an abortion, maybe. But either way that left me concerned. He has since become erratic, more so than he was when I became pregnant, but I see no hard reason to suggest he is using anything other than my intuition.

You're going after child support, expect him to be in the child's life. He has every right to be in it but he doesn't have to have any relationship with you beyond that. The court will dictate what sort of visitation he will get. Not you.

My child's father initially agreed to taking things slowly with our son to allow them time to bond first. However now that he is becoming more erratic and less dependable I would like to formalize it. I have been open about how I feel that he is selfish to think he can abruptly appear and immediately take our son for extended periods without causing him some distress. He ultimately agreed and told me to write something up and we will review it with his lawyer along with discussing child support and back pay. However, he seemed to become disinterested as he is not taking advantage of the few times our schedules do not conflict to see our son, will not confirm when we are supposedly seeing his attorney and lastly will not share his feedback regarding my proposed schedule - which I have asked his input on. So yes, I would like to assure my son's best interests are maintained from someone I now suspect only pursued their relationship until I would agree to compromise on the back child support.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IL (Cook County)

Recently my child's father (never married) saw him for the first time at 8 months. He was absent since before he was born (as he said he wanted nothing to do with my child). Needless to say he is not on the birth certificate. He stated that he wishes to co-parent and knows that we can work something out and be friends for the sake of our child. This came following several summons for paternity testing for child support that he failed to appear for.

Since this first meeting he appeared nearly everyday to see our son for a matter of two weeks. And then became inconsistent. He went back to work after an injury and uses that as an excuse (I say excuse only since at the times he failed to show and I tried to contact him to find out what was going on he would later state he could not respond or was asleep but was actively on a mobile messenging application). The everyday visits went to once in two weeks and now three weeks. This man is a stranger to my child and though I will not deny him visitation I would like to protect my child from his father's lack of reliability but more immediately avoid unnecessary distress in his life by being removed from his caretakers abruptly. As my son is not even 10 months now. I am trying to find information on implementing some type of step up or graduated parenting time schedule. Would it be within reason to ask that he visit my child in home (as he had been, with or without my presence) for 1-2 hour durations for say x amount of months to establish a bond & my child recognize him and until x amount of consecutive unmissed visits before overnights to exercise his reliability and hopefully to reduce my son's likely seperation anxiety? My child's father has not specifically asked for custody. Now that I'm asking him about details on what he wants including setting times he's become unresponsive. Please note I have other concerns but would like to refrain using that in a hearing IF possible as my child's father will make it personal. I'm thinking if he doesn't bring up the visitation at our hearing after all, neither will I...

Thanks in advance!

If the upcoming hearing is for child support, and dad has not petitioned for visitation, then visitation cannot normally be addressed at that hearing. Has a DNA test been done yet to establish paternity?

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IL (Cook County)

Recently my child's father (never married) saw him for the first time at 8 months. He was absent since before he was born (as he said he wanted nothing to do with my child). Needless to say he is not on the birth certificate. He stated that he wishes to co-parent and knows that we can work something out and be friends for the sake of our child. This came following several summons for paternity testing for child support that he failed to appear for.

Since this first meeting he appeared nearly everyday to see our son for a matter of two weeks. And then became inconsistent. He went back to work after an injury and uses that as an excuse (I say excuse only since at the times he failed to show and I tried to contact him to find out what was going on he would later state he could not respond or was asleep but was actively on a mobile messenging application). The everyday visits went to once in two weeks and now three weeks. This man is a stranger to my child and though I will not deny him visitation I would like to protect my child from his father's lack of reliability but more immediately avoid unnecessary distress in his life by being removed from his caretakers abruptly. As my son is not even 10 months now. I am trying to find information on implementing some type of step up or graduated parenting time schedule. Would it be within reason to ask that he visit my child in home (as he had been, with or without my presence) for 1-2 hour durations for say x amount of months to establish a bond & my child recognize him and until x amount of consecutive unmissed visits before overnights to exercise his reliability and hopefully to reduce my son's likely seperation anxiety? My child's father has not specifically asked for custody. Now that I'm asking him about details on what he wants including setting times he's become unresponsive. Please note I have other concerns but would like to refrain using that in a hearing IF possible as my child's father will make it personal. I'm thinking if he doesn't bring up the visitation at our hearing after all, neither will I...

Thanks in advance!

It's best that you do have a court order in place; even if he doesn't exercise his rights, the order can protect all three of you from further stress in court.

You can ask for a graduated plan, yes. But one or two hours is just isn't going to work. You need to let them bond - exactly how will they manage that in 8 hours a month? What your suggesting isn't realistic.

So yes, you can submit a parenting plan. But you had better make sure Dad and the baby are allowed to bond..because if you don't, you're going to end up the bad guy. Think about it - the more he sees his father, the less anxious he'll be. Would you agree?

Exactly.

 

[stealth2]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IL (Cook County)

Recently my child's father (never married) saw him for the first time at 8 months. He was absent since before he was born (as he said he wanted nothing to do with my child). Needless to say he is not on the birth certificate. He stated that he wishes to co-parent and knows that we can work something out and be friends for the sake of our child. This came following several summons for paternity testing for child support that he failed to appear for.

Since this first meeting he appeared nearly everyday to see our son for a matter of two weeks. And then became inconsistent. He went back to work after an injury and uses that as an excuse (I say excuse only since at the times he failed to show and I tried to contact him to find out what was going on he would later state he could not respond or was asleep but was actively on a mobile messenging application). The everyday visits went to once in two weeks and now three weeks. This man is a stranger to my child and though I will not deny him visitation I would like to protect my child from his father's lack of reliability but more immediately avoid unnecessary distress in his life by being removed from his caretakers abruptly. As my son is not even 10 months now. I am trying to find information on implementing some type of step up or graduated parenting time schedule. Would it be within reason to ask that he visit my child in home (as he had been, with or without my presence) for 1-2 hour durations for say x amount of months to establish a bond & my child recognize him and until x amount of consecutive unmissed visits before overnights to exercise his reliability and hopefully to reduce my son's likely seperation anxiety? My child's father has not specifically asked for custody. Now that I'm asking him about details on what he wants including setting times he's become unresponsive. Please note I have other concerns but would like to refrain using that in a hearing IF possible as my child's father will make it personal. I'm thinking if he doesn't bring up the visitation at our hearing after all, neither will I...

Thanks in advance!

Well.... 8 mos hardly qualifies as "absentee". I know the child is young but many men find it difficult to relate to infants. It takes the LO getting a bit older and more able to engage personally for them (some men) to "get it".

A step-up schedule is good, but as Pro indicated, 8-16 hours a month is not going to help them bond. Short visits like that - 4-5 times a week, though - would be more likely to help them.... Whether Dad - or you - are willing to do that... Otherwise, I'd look at daytime visits of longer duration each weekend.

And you can do a lot to help your (joint) child with separation anxiety. Allow him to spend time with others on a regular basis to let him get used to others, and gain the knowledge that you will always come back. It will be good for LO. And you.

When Dad does file for visitation, he will get it. You need to prepare yourself - and LO - for that.

And I find it interesting that you have all of this horrible horrible info about Dad, but won't use it "unless you have to". And who is making it personal?

On a final note, start practicing the words "our son" until they roll off your tongue naturally. It wasn't a virgin birth, right?

 

[epiphany0111]

A step-up schedule is good, but as Pro indicated, 8-16 hours a month is not going to help them bond. Short visits like that - 4-5 times a week, though - would be more likely to help them.... Whether Dad - or you - are willing to do that... Otherwise, I'd look at daytime visits of longer duration each weekend.

Thank you & Pro. I actually agree on the time but as OUR son's father doesn't take advantage most of the time we arrange now and has kept his last couple visits less than that... I want to find a middle ground so he doesn't feel this is just to make him jump hoops. I eventually want to ask him to quit his substance abuse and I prefer have his trust to do so. Do I think he will abuse our son. Never. Will he thoughtlessly put my son in harms way unfortunately yes as his judgement does not appear to be what it was. I don't want to bring any of that into a hearing unless there is a clear threat. Right now it's things I suspect only.

 

[epiphany0111]

If the upcoming hearing is for child support, and dad has not petitioned for visitation, then visitation cannot normally be addressed at that hearing. Has a DNA test been done yet to establish paternity?

We've already received the DNA testing. I was under the understanding he can ask about custody or visitation then & we would be subject to wait the same day for a seperate hearing. This is just based off of what I've been told. I am unclear going through Cook County's custody info on how it will be handled next. His father has not yet completed an acknowledgement of paternity though. I agreed to put him on the birth certificate when we go that day. I have not yet agreed to changing his last name, which his father has asked for.

 

[stealth2]

Thank you & Pro. I actually agree on the time but as OUR son's father doesn't take advantage most of the time we arrange now and has kept his last couple visits less than that... I want to find a middle ground so he doesn't feel this is just to make him jump hoops. I eventually want to ask him to quit his substance abuse and I prefer have his trust to do so. Do I think he will abuse our son. Never. Will he thoughtlessly put my son in harms way unfortunately yes as his judgement does not appear to be what it was. I don't want to bring any of that into a hearing unless there is a clear threat. Right now it's things I suspect only.

Which makes it useless and irrelevant. You need PROOF, not suspicions.

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IL (Cook County)

Recently my child's father (never married) saw him for the first time at 8 months. He was absent since before he was born (as he said he wanted nothing to do with my child). Needless to say he is not on the birth certificate. He stated that he wishes to co-parent and knows that we can work something out and be friends for the sake of our child. This came following several summons for paternity testing for child support that he failed to appear for.

Since this first meeting he appeared nearly everyday to see our son for a matter of two weeks. And then became inconsistent. He went back to work after an injury and uses that as an excuse (I say excuse only since at the times he failed to show and I tried to contact him to find out what was going on he would later state he could not respond or was asleep but was actively on a mobile messenging application). The everyday visits went to once in two weeks and now three weeks. This man is a stranger to my child and though I will not deny him visitation I would like to protect my child from his father's lack of reliability but more immediately avoid unnecessary distress in his life by being removed from his caretakers abruptly. As my son is not even 10 months now. I am trying to find information on implementing some type of step up or graduated parenting time schedule. Would it be within reason to ask that he visit my child in home (as he had been, with or without my presence) for 1-2 hour durations for say x amount of months to establish a bond & my child recognize him and until x amount of consecutive unmissed visits before overnights to exercise his reliability and hopefully to reduce my son's likely seperation anxiety? My child's father has not specifically asked for custody. Now that I'm asking him about details on what he wants including setting times he's become unresponsive. Please note I have other concerns but would like to refrain using that in a hearing IF possible as my child's father will make it personal. I'm thinking if he doesn't bring up the visitation at our hearing after all, neither will I...

Thanks in advance!

Is your child in daycare or with a sitter while you work? Or go out ? IOW...Does your child spend time with someone other than you?

 

[epiphany0111]

Is your child in daycare or with a sitter while you work? Or go out ? IOW...Does your child spend time with someone other than you?

Yes, my parents have watched him since 10 weeks old. I offered for his father to see him there also and eventually pick him up from there while I'm working at some point but he said he is uncomfortable being around my parents after how things ended... Other than that he hasn't been left alone with anyone else for less than an hour and that has been in my home. He's looked for me those times and sometimes he gets upset and others he's been distracted just long enough with toys and snacks. Which I have already advised his father he can not just fill him up on junk when I leave to keep him calm -that won't work when if he tries to take him after not seeing him for a month. I am sure my son will be fine with him at some point if he will just be more consistent. That's really the goal. To be reliable and consistent. And if he can't do that I will proceed with getting evidence that he is involved in drug activity as I believe that is the main contributor to this erratic behavior.

 

[Eekamouse]

Yes, my parents have watched him since 10 weeks old. I offered for his father to see him there also and eventually pick him up from there while I'm working at some point but he said he is uncomfortable being around my parents after how things ended... Other than that he hasn't been left alone with anyone else for less than an hour and that has been in my home. He's looked for me those times and sometimes he gets upset and others he's been distracted just long enough with toys and snacks. Which I have already advised his father he can not just fill him up on junk when I leave to keep him calm -that won't work when if he tries to take him after not seeing him for a month. I am sure my son will be fine with him at some point if he will just be more consistent. That's really the goal. To be reliable and consistent. And if he can't do that I will proceed with getting evidence that he is involved in drug activity as I believe that is the main contributor to this erratic behavior.

And how do you plan doing that?

 

[Isis1]

Yes, my parents have watched him since 10 weeks old. I offered for his father to see him there also and eventually pick him up from there while I'm working at some point but he said he is uncomfortable being around my parents after how things ended... Other than that he hasn't been left alone with anyone else for less than an hour and that has been in my home. He's looked for me those times and sometimes he gets upset and others he's been distracted just long enough with toys and snacks. Which I have already advised his father he can not just fill him up on junk when I leave to keep him calm -that won't work when if he tries to take him after not seeing him for a month. I am sure my son will be fine with him at some point if he will just be more consistent. That's really the goal. To be reliable and consistent. And if he can't do that I will proceed with getting evidence that he is involved in drug activity as I believe that is the main contributor to this erratic behavior.

oh dear gawd. you are trying to parent a grown man. please, stop doing that. you will drive yourself batty. if he wasn't raised reliable and consistent....you aren't going to change that. you don't get to "punish" him for his "bad behavior" or "reward" him for his "good behavior".

sorry, but that is NOT how co-parenting works.