Cyber Harassment

[E. Guido Soda]

This one is a doozie:

About 21 years ago I was *accused* of impregnating a girl I had a one night stand with; I say accused as there was
no paternity / DNA test, and I later found out she was overly promiscuous...it could very well be mine, but I'm not
100% sure. At any rate, she wisely decided to give the child up for adoption as neither of us were ready in our lives
to be effective parents from an economic, emotional and stability standpoint. Presumably she was placed with a
family that was vetted and qualified to adopt according to all of those criteria above, and more.

So anyway, the adoption was the best part. The worst part is that I signed some paperwork as part off the process
which stated I did *not* wish to be contacted by the child later in life. This is a poor move - especially seeing as how
I am a father now, and would not wish that on my kids. So, last weekend, I received a very nasty email from a person
I don't know, but can only presume is the husband / boyfriend of the child's biological mother. The email insulted me
for my decision to conceal my identity to the chiuld, which I understand and can live with. The emial insults me for
having children of my own, when I won't divulge mmy identity to my "oldest daughter", which, again, I can sort of
understand. He then goes on to threaten to send out a message to all of the friends on my Facebook profile spelling
out the whole thing - the adoption and the refusal to meet the child.

My question is this - has he crossed the line from angry jerk to cyber harassment / stalker guy? I looked it up, and it
sort of reads like he has crossed the line. I live in Alabama and apparently he lives in Florida:

Alabama:

http://alisondb.legislature.state.al.us/acas/CodeOfAlabama/1975/13A-11-8.htm

Florida:

http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&Search_String=&URL=0700-0799/0784/Sections/0784.048.html

I realize what I did was not the kindest, most throughtful thing, but I had absolutely zero attachment to the mother
whatsoever. I only learned about the pregnancy three months in. Had I been in a relationship with her, things would
be different.

Be that as it may, I have met with the adoption agency to see if they can help mediate this nightmare, including the
possibility of reunification. I'm not sure. Either way, this is a very scary situation and I need to handle it as carefully as
possible.

Any help is appreciated.

-EGS

 

[quincy]

... The worst part is that I signed some paperwork as part off the process which stated I did *not* wish to be contacted by the child later in life. ... last weekend, I received a very nasty email from a person I don't know, but can only presume is the husband / boyfriend of the child's biological mother. The email insulted me for my decision to conceal my identity to the chiuld, which I understand and can live with. The emial insults me for having children of my own, when I won't divulge mmy identity to my "oldest daughter", which, again, I can sort of understand. He then goes on to threaten to send out a message to all of the friends on my Facebook profile spelling out the whole thing - the adoption and the refusal to meet the child.

My question is this - has he crossed the line from angry jerk to cyber harassment / stalker guy? I looked it up, and it
sort of reads like he has crossed the line. I live in Alabama and apparently he lives in Florida:

Alabama:

http://alisondb.legislature.state.al.us/acas/CodeOfAlabama/1975/13A-11-8.htm

Florida:

http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&Search_String=&URL=0700-0799/0784/Sections/0784.048.html ...

This would not be defamation. Defamation is the communication of a false statement to a third party that injures a reputation.

You received an email. There has been no third party communication. In addition, there is nothing false in what he says. This has not harmed your reputation.

Unless or until what was communicated to you is published and false statements are made about you, you have no defamation action to pursue.

One email is unlikely to be viewed as either stalking or cyberharassment.

What you do as far as the child goes is entirely up to you. I hope you have discussed this with your wife.

Good luck.

 

[LdiJ]

This one is a doozie:

About 21 years ago I was *accused* of impregnating a girl I had a one night stand with; I say accused as there was
no paternity / DNA test, and I later found out she was overly promiscuous...it could very well be mine, but I'm not
100% sure. At any rate, she wisely decided to give the child up for adoption as neither of us were ready in our lives
to be effective parents from an economic, emotional and stability standpoint. Presumably she was placed with a
family that was vetted and qualified to adopt according to all of those criteria above, and more.

So anyway, the adoption was the best part. The worst part is that I signed some paperwork as part off the process
which stated I did *not* wish to be contacted by the child later in life. This is a poor move - especially seeing as how
I am a father now, and would not wish that on my kids. So, last weekend, I received a very nasty email from a person
I don't know, but can only presume is the husband / boyfriend of the child's biological mother. The email insulted me
for my decision to conceal my identity to the chiuld, which I understand and can live with. The emial insults me for
having children of my own, when I won't divulge mmy identity to my "oldest daughter", which, again, I can sort of
understand. He then goes on to threaten to send out a message to all of the friends on my Facebook profile spelling
out the whole thing - the adoption and the refusal to meet the child.

My question is this - has he crossed the line from angry jerk to cyber harassment / stalker guy? I looked it up, and it
sort of reads like he has crossed the line. I live in Alabama and apparently he lives in Florida:

Alabama:

http://alisondb.legislature.state.al.us/acas/CodeOfAlabama/1975/13A-11-8.htm

Florida:

http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&Search_String=&URL=0700-0799/0784/Sections/0784.048.html

I realize what I did was not the kindest, most throughtful thing, but I had absolutely zero attachment to the mother
whatsoever. I only learned about the pregnancy three months in. Had I been in a relationship with her, things would
be different.

Be that as it may, I have met with the adoption agency to see if they can help mediate this nightmare, including the
possibility of reunification. I'm not sure. Either way, this is a very scary situation and I need to handle it as carefully as
possible.

Any help is appreciated.

-EGS

This is quite confusing. Are we talking about a closed, stranger adoption? I have to assume so since you were given the option to not have your identity released. If so, I do not understand the motivation of the husband/boyfriend of the biological mother.

Is this a case where the biological mother left it open to be contacted by the child and has been?...and the child wants to know about the biological father?..or do you even know?

 

[E. Guido Soda]

This is quite confusing. Are we talking about a closed, stranger adoption? I have to assume so since you were given the option to not have your identity released. If so, I do not understand the motivation of the husband/boyfriend of the biological mother.

^^^^exactly - I don't understand the motive either. The only thing I can think of is revenge or spite. No request for money, no blackmail, nothing of the sort, just a nasty message insulting me and threatening to expose this to everyone I am friends with on FB.


Is this a case where the biological mother left it open to be contacted by the child and has been?...and the child wants to know about the biological father?..or do you even know?

I think she left it open, as the message contained a picture of the child. I have not spoken to the bio mother in 21 years - we did not know each other then and we din't get to know each other afterwards. I can only asume that the child has contacted the agency and they informed her that I singed "non-disclosure" papers, or whatever they are called, and she relayed that info to the birth mother. The birth mother then told the peron in question who contacted me. I am verifying some of this with the agency.

But it seems to me that the message had no other intent but to cause harm / stress, serving no other value than to inflict harm on me / my reputation.

 

[quincy]

I think she left it open, as the message contained a picture of the child. I have not spoken to the bio mother in 21 years - we did not know each other then and we din't get to know each other afterwards. I can only asume that the child has contacted the agency and they informed her that I singed "non-disclosure" papers, or whatever they are called, and she relayed that info to the birth mother. The birth mother then told the peron in question who contacted me. I am verifying some of this with the agency.

But it seems to me that the message had no other intent but to cause harm / stress, serving no other value than to inflict harm on me / my reputation.

The email you received was no doubt a surprise, as you did not expect to be contacted about a child you gave up for adoption years before. And I have no doubt that this has caused you some stress. But truthful information when revealed, while it can harm a reputation, is not defamation.

I think your contact with the agency is a positive action on your part. Otherwise, I would ignore all future emails from the person who messaged you. If you are eventually contacted by the adult-child, you will have to determine then what you wish to do.

Again, if you have not discussed the adoption with your wife, now might be a smart time to discuss it.

Good luck, E. Guido Soda.

 

[Proserpina]

I think she left it open, as the message contained a picture of the child. I have not spoken to the bio mother in 21 years - we did not know each other then and we din't get to know each other afterwards. I can only asume that the child has contacted the agency and they informed her that I singed "non-disclosure" papers, or whatever they are called, and she relayed that info to the birth mother. The birth mother then told the peron in question who contacted me. I am verifying some of this with the agency.

But it seems to me that the message had no other intent but to cause harm / stress, serving no other value than to inflict harm on me / my reputation.

The adoption itself cannot prevent someone from contacting you.

At this point it would appear that your best move is to simply remove and/or block whoever is contacting you. I would certainly take quincy's advice.

 

[LdiJ]

I think she left it open, as the message contained a picture of the child. I have not spoken to the bio mother in 21 years - we did not know each other then and we din't get to know each other afterwards. I can only asume that the child has contacted the agency and they informed her that I singed "non-disclosure" papers, or whatever they are called, and she relayed that info to the birth mother. The birth mother then told the peron in question who contacted me. I am verifying some of this with the agency.

But it seems to me that the message had no other intent but to cause harm / stress, serving no other value than to inflict harm on me / my reputation.

Well, the other possibility is that the child has made contact/reunified with the birth mother and her husband/boyfriend, and has expressed serious disappointment in not being able to connect with her biological father, and the husband/boyfriend has formed an attachment to the child and is inappropriately expressing frustration on her behalf.

That doesn't excuse the husband/boyfriend, it just allows for a different motive than simply making life difficult for you. Honestly, I think my assessment is a little more likely. Otherwise, I cannot see why the husband/boyfriend would even care to track you down if not for an attachment to the child. Again, I am not excusing him...I am just offering up a different motive.

This hits home to me a bit because I have a friend who was adopted, and who went on the quest to find her biological parents. Her biological father refused to even meet her, and it devastated her. However, her siblings did embrace her and that was a serious comfort.

You do have the legal right to say no and the right to be free from harassment. The adoption agency will tell you that. However, if you have other children you have to understand that they might find out after they are adults that they have another sibling out there, and their attitude might be different than yours.

 

[E. Guido Soda]

Well, the other possibility is that the child has made contact/reunified with the birth mother and her husband/boyfriend, and has expressed serious disappointment in not being able to connect with her biological father, and the husband/boyfriend has formed an attachment to the child and is inappropriately expressing frustration on her behalf.

That doesn't excuse the husband/boyfriend, it just allows for a different motive than simply making life difficult for you. Honestly, I think my assessment is a little more likely. Otherwise, I cannot see why the husband/boyfriend would even care to track you down if not for an attachment to the child. Again, I am not excusing him...I am just offering up a different motive.

This hits home to me a bit because I have a friend who was adopted, and who went on the quest to find her biological parents. Her biological father refused to even meet her, and it devastated her. However, her siblings did embrace her and that was a serious comfort.

You do have the legal right to say no and the right to be free from harassment. The adoption agency will tell you that. However, if you have other children you have to understand that they might find out after they are adults that they have another sibling out there, and their attitude might be different than yours.

OK, and this is the crux of my question - does his threat constitute harassment?

I'm thinking that strategically and ethically, the best move is to just meet the child, explain what was going on in my life at the time, what's happening now, and hope for the best. The reality is, with the way social media is these days, she can find me anyway...I'm certain my name is on here birth certificate.

I would like some finality - perhaps at some point a DNA test is in order. Anyway, thanks for listening guys.

 

[cbg]

A single email is not harassment.

 

[quincy]

There can be all sorts of reasons behind the sending of the email. I am not sure any of them matter, though.

It should be left to the adopted child alone to make the decision whether to contact the biological parents - and how to contact the biological parents. Even if the email was sent by someone in response to comments made by the adopted child and was sent with the best of intentions (which seems unlikely in this case, given the apparent content), the sending of it was not smart.

That said, E. Guido Soda might want to consider a good reason for contact with the adopted child that goes beyond any personal or emotional need or want. Knowing one's medical history can be important.

 

[E. Guido Soda]

Cyber harassment

A single email is not harassment.

So then it is quantity, not quality? Confused.

 

[CdwJava]

So then it is quantity, not quality? Confused.

In short, and based upon what you have related here, yes.

Here's the other thing to consider ... if you try to file a civil suit or a criminal action against the guy, your name, his name, bio mom's name, and all the relevant details can become public record. While it is exceedingly unlikely that any criminal or civil court will weigh in on this after a single email, it is very possible that this closet door will be flung wide open if you try and pursue some failed legal action. Any legal action will do precisely what you are afraid the angry guy is going to, only you'd be doing it to yourself!

 

[quincy]

So then it is quantity, not quality? Confused.

A single email is not harassment. Harassment is continuing unwanted contact (i.e., more than one contact).

I do not see that you have any legal action to pursue against anyone or any reason to consider legal action against anyone, at least at this point in time and based on what you have written here.

If the email you received contained threats of physical harm and you feared for your safety or the safety of your family, that would be worth turning over to the police. But blocking the email address, as suggested by Proserpina, seems like a good way to handle the matter.

Good luck.

Here from the US Department of Health and Human Services is a link to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, which provides state information up through June 2012 on "Access to Adoption Records:"
https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/infoaccessap.pdf