Question from a Stepmother about custody

[dorothymantooth]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

Hi. My husband has had custody of his son for about 8 years. I have raised his son as my own since then. The boy's mom has moved around a lot but did visitation somewhat sporadically for the first 5-6 years. She also took my husband back to Court 3 or 4 times for custody but was never able to get anything changed. In September of 2013, she moved with her long-time boyfriend to a state about 1500 miles away. She has seen her son since then only a handful of times and maintains sporadic telephone contact with him. My husband does help facilitate a relationship between his son and his maternal grandparents, who live fairly close and have visits every 2-3 weeks.

Unfortunately, my husband and I are considering separating. This is not something we have treated lightly, knowing the effects it could have on our family. My husband does not want to take his son away from me. My husband and I have our own son and the 2 boys are inseparable. My husband knows and admits that I have done the bulk of parenting in this situation and doesn't want that to change if possible.

My question is this: Would it be possible for my husband and I to separate but to have my step-son continue to live with me, which is what my husband and I both would like to have happen? Could my husband maintain custody but have residential placement of his son be with me? My husband does not plan to move out of the town we live in now and plans to see the kids daily if possible.

I know stepparents tend to get beat up pretty badly on this site but usually you folks have some decent advice and have been helpful to me in the past. I have tried to abide by the rules but if I missed something I apologize. In this case, my husband has tried to facilitate a relationship between the boy and his mom but she has made it more than difficult. The boy had problems in school after his mom moved, but with counseling he has been doing much better. My husband and I want to keep his world as secure as it can be. For what it's worth, I do not want to separate from my husband.

Thank you for any advice you could give to me.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

Hi. My husband has had custody of his son for about 8 years. I have raised his son as my own since then. The boy's mom has moved around a lot but did visitation somewhat sporadically for the first 5-6 years. She also took my husband back to Court 3 or 4 times for custody but was never able to get anything changed. In September of 2013, she moved with her long-time boyfriend to a state about 1500 miles away. She has seen her son since then only a handful of times and maintains sporadic telephone contact with him. My husband does help facilitate a relationship between his son and his maternal grandparents, who live fairly close and have visits every 2-3 weeks.

Unfortunately, my husband and I are considering separating. This is not something we have treated lightly, knowing the effects it could have on our family. My husband does not want to take his son away from me. My husband and I have our own son and the 2 boys are inseparable. My husband knows and admits that I have done the bulk of parenting in this situation and doesn't want that to change if possible.

My question is this: Would it be possible for my husband and I to separate but to have my step-son continue to live with me, which is what my husband and I both would like to have happen? Could my husband maintain custody but have residential placement of his son be with me? My husband does not plan to move out of the town we live in now and plans to see the kids daily if possible.

I know stepparents tend to get beat up pretty badly on this site but usually you folks have some decent advice and have been helpful to me in the past. I have tried to abide by the rules but if I missed something I apologize. In this case, my husband has tried to facilitate a relationship between the boy and his mom but she has made it more than difficult. The boy had problems in school after his mom moved, but with counseling he has been doing much better. My husband and I want to keep his world as secure as it can be. For what it's worth, I do not want to separate from my husband.

Thank you for any advice you could give to me.

If dad were to allow the child to live with you, then that would open up the door for mom to successfully argue that she should have custody. Therefore what you are proposing is simply not realistic.

 

[dorothymantooth]

If dad were to allow the child to live with you, then that would open up the door for mom to successfully argue that she should have custody. Therefore what you are proposing is simply not realistic.

What would you propose if you were in dad's position? Wouldn't divorcing and having the child live with him also open up the door for mom to successfully argue that she should have custody, based on a change of circumstances?

 

[Ohiogal]

What would you propose if you were in dad's position? Wouldn't divorcing and having the child live with him also open up the door for mom to successfully argue that she should have custody, based on a change of circumstances?

Nope. You are a legal stranger. You are no one legally to this child. Your stepson has two parents of which you are neither. In order for you to even get visitation court ordered you would have sue mom and dad of the child.

 

[Ohiogal]

I would also propose that your husband be an actual parent to his children and not turn over parenting to legal strangers.

 

[CSO286]

What would you propose if you were in dad's position? Wouldn't divorcing and having the child live with him also open up the door for mom to successfully argue that she should have custody, based on a change of circumstances?

It would certainly be a legitimate reason for mom to request custody. Or at least that the custody situtation be reevaluated. It doens't mean that mom would automatically get primary custody, but it certainly could be looked at again.

 

[Ohiogal]

It would certainly be a legitimate reason for mom to request custody. Or at least that the custody situtation be reevaluated. It doens't mean that mom would automatically get primary custody, but it certainly could be looked at again.

Divorcing would not be a reason for custody to be re-evaluated. Just to be clear.

 

[Zigner]

What would you propose if you were in dad's position? Wouldn't divorcing and having the child live with him also open up the door for mom to successfully argue that she should have custody, based on a change of circumstances?

It might - but if the child is sent to live with a person who isn't even a parent, then a chance of custody is practically a slam-dunk.

 

[Zigner]

Divorcing would not be a reason for custody to be re-evaluated. Just to be clear.

Thanks for the clarification.

 

[Ohiogal]

Marital status in and of itself is NOT a reason for custody to be evaluated -- be it getting married or divorced.

Changes due to the divorce are a different issue -- i.e. dad works midnights and stepmom was the babysitter so he could work. With the divorce he no longer has the guaranteed child care because no family in the area and no daycares do overnight stuff. That could open it up.

As could having to move out of the area where mom lives (as an example) because dad can't afford it without stepmom's income.

So divorce itself is not a reason but changes due to the divorce COULD be.

 

[LdiJ]

Marital status in and of itself is NOT a reason for custody to be evaluated -- be it getting married or divorced.

Changes due to the divorce are a different issue -- i.e. dad works midnights and stepmom was the babysitter so he could work. With the divorce he no longer has the guaranteed child care because no family in the area and no daycares do overnight stuff. That could open it up.

As could having to move out of the area where mom lives (as an example) because dad can't afford it without stepmom's income.

So divorce itself is not a reason but changes due to the divorce COULD be.

I agree...but changes due to a divorce would not be a valid reason to give STEPMOM primary custody of the child...stepmom is not one of the child's parents. Changes due to a divorce could be a valid reason to give primary custody to the other parent of the child.

 

[dorothymantooth]

I would also propose that your husband be an actual parent to his children and not turn over parenting to legal strangers.

Believe me I would like to propose that as well. And I know I'm a legal stranger. I am just trying to keep the pain caused to the folks I call my family at the very minimum if I can. This is hard and I'm hurting pretty bad.

 

[LdiJ]

Believe me I would like to propose that as well. And I know I'm a legal stranger. I am just trying to keep the pain caused to the folks I call my family at the very minimum if I can. This is hard and I'm hurting pretty bad.

Divorce is hard and painful for everybody. Unfortunately you are not going to be able to mitigate that pain by having your husband's child live with you.

 

[Ohiogal]

I agree...but changes due to a divorce would not be a valid reason to give STEPMOM primary custody of the child...stepmom is not one of the child's parents. Changes due to a divorce could be a valid reason to give primary custody to the other parent of the child.

True. And I was not trying to imply that it would.

 

[Ohiogal]

Believe me I would like to propose that as well. And I know I'm a legal stranger. I am just trying to keep the pain caused to the folks I call my family at the very minimum if I can. This is hard and I'm hurting pretty bad.

That is the only proposal you can make. Your husband mans up and parents his child. Bear in mind, after the divorce, you may not have much of a relationship with your current stepchild.