Elder Father involved in extremely risky behaviour

[windingmeup]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I recently discovered that my father (79) is involved in extremely risky sexual behavior with internet strangers (men, women, TV/TS). His mental health appears to be failing in other areas as well. He is a man that has always been able to keep on top of his finances and late last year he began to run into issues with paying the bills and then starting asking borrow money from me.

I want to find out if there are any legal options to deal with this situation as I can see him spending his life saving to sustain this lifestyle. I see him everyday and I can tell he has no control over this nor has any desire to change.

He is married and he has established a trust. His 3rd wife (my step-mom) lives out of state for half the year in a place she owns outright (Prior to marriage). They both bought a home in California 30 years ago. When my step mom is staying at her place in the summer months, my dad will have all these strangers over at the house and he documents a lot of his activities in photographs. Part of his failing mental health is also the fact that he thinks he is being discrete but he will leave evidence around that shows the activities he is involved with (on computer, photo laying next to a printer, etc.).

Last summer he made the mistake of creating a social media account where he posted photos and lots of information about his alternate lifestyle not realizing that this social media site also accesses his address book and sends out invitations to those people to friend him. Friend requests went out to my friends, his friends (who are not aware of his alt lifestyle) and my step-mom. She found about this and was thoroughly disgusted. She has been consulting with a psychologist regarding this and she has decided that she will not get a divorce because of the financial ramifications.

My dad is also in failing health and takes a lot of medication for various conditions. We all feel that the way he takes care of himself will not help his to sustain a healthy life much longer. In fact much of this activity began a few years ago after a quadruple bypass.

In the coming months, years I can only see this activity getting worse. he is putting himself at extreme risk with his behavior and I want to find out if there is anything legally that can be done to pull the finances from him and put them over to my step-mom. My step mom thinks he has been paying prostitutes and that is why they are having extreme financial distress. I have not seen evidence of that but the money has to be going somewhere. I suspect that some of these strangers are taking him financially and perhaps have access to his credit cards and bank accounts. They just did a refi on the house to get the 100k in credit card debt paid off but I am worried it will just begin to accumulate again. My step mom also has a tough time staying on top of the financials (my step mom is 71). My dad always handled finances during their 30 plus year marriage and he was an extremely organized cautious man financially who never missed payments and had an impeccable credit rating. That is no longer the case.

Sorry for the long rant but I am very stressed over their situation and I can see that what they had worked hard for their entire lives is going down the drain in support of this alt lifestyle in a matter of months.

 

[Silverplum]

Start here: http://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-conservatorship.htm

While he is still married, his wife is his first next-of-kin. If she does plan to divorce him, she would very likely be willing to allow you to be his legal conservator.

Good luck. Dealing with aging parents is very difficult: I salute you for looking after your Dad.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I recently discovered that my father (79) is involved in extremely risky sexual behavior with internet strangers (men, women, TV/TS). His mental health appears to be failing in other areas as well. He is a man that has always been able to keep on top of his finances and late last year he began to run into issues with paying the bills and then starting asking borrow money from me.

I want to find out if there are any legal options to deal with this situation as I can see him spending his life saving to sustain this lifestyle. I see him everyday and I can tell he has no control over this nor has any desire to change.

He is married and he has established a trust. His 3rd wife (my step-mom) lives out of state for half the year in a place she owns outright (Prior to marriage). They both bought a home in California 30 years ago. When my step mom is staying at her place in the summer months, my dad will have all these strangers over at the house and he documents a lot of his activities in photographs. Part of his failing mental health is also the fact that he thinks he is being discrete but he will leave evidence around that shows the activities he is involved with (on computer, photo laying next to a printer, etc.).

Last summer he made the mistake of creating a social media account where he posted photos and lots of information about his alternate lifestyle not realizing that this social media site also accesses his address book and sends out invitations to those people to friend him. Friend requests went out to my friends, his friends (who are not aware of his alt lifestyle) and my step-mom. She found about this and was thoroughly disgusted. She has been consulting with a psychologist regarding this and she has decided that she will not get a divorce because of the financial ramifications.

My dad is also in failing health and takes a lot of medication for various conditions. We all feel that the way he takes care of himself will not help his to sustain a healthy life much longer. In fact much of this activity began a few years ago after a quadruple bypass.

In the coming months, years I can only see this activity getting worse. he is putting himself at extreme risk with his behavior and I want to find out if there is anything legally that can be done to pull the finances from him and put them over to my step-mom. My step mom thinks he has been paying prostitutes and that is why they are having extreme financial distress. I have not seen evidence of that but the money has to be going somewhere. I suspect that some of these strangers are taking him financially and perhaps have access to his credit cards and bank accounts. They just did a refi on the house to get the 100k in credit card debt paid off but I am worried it will just begin to accumulate again. My step mom also has a tough time staying on top of the financials (my step mom is 71). My dad always handled finances during their 30 plus year marriage and he was an extremely organized cautious man financially who never missed payments and had an impeccable credit rating. That is no longer the case.

Sorry for the long rant but I am very stressed over their situation and I can see that what they had worked hard for their entire lives is going down the drain in support of this alt lifestyle in a matter of months.

Either you or your step mother can file in court to become his financial guardian, but he will be allowed to defend himself against that.

 

[xylene]

My dad is also in failing health and takes a lot of medication for various conditions.

Did you know that certain medications can cause impulsive behavior?

Behaviors like hypersexuality and gambling in people whop were not that way previously.

You need to inform your father's health care providers of this situation immediately. They may not be able to tell you anything because of HIPPAA but they may be very concerned about a recent change in behavior and acting out.

 

[windingmeup]

Did you know that certain medications can cause impulsive behavior?

Behaviors like hypersexuality and gambling in people whop were not that way previously.

You need to inform your father's health care providers of this situation immediately. They may not be able to tell you anything because of HIPPAA but they may be very concerned about a recent change in behavior and acting out.

Thanks. I never realized that. I do have access to his medical records. He signed a HIPPA release form for me a year ago. When I found out about his behavior, I called his doctor and told her exactly what was going on with his behavior. She had the office call him for an appointment. I went to the appointment with him and told her about all the things I have noticed with him in the last several months. I asked for a full set of STD testing including HIV and she agreed. Amazingly he came back clean although 6 months earlier he had scabies. At the time we didn't know why he would have got this but afterwards it made sense. Unfortunately his doctors could not diagnose his skin rashes in the early months as scabies and we all got it and had to put the insecticide cream on us including my kids. I was really upset with him about that and he didn't own up to it. In fact he tried to blame it on my Step moms sister who came to visit about the time he got this but I know he had to have got it from one of his encounters.

I will pass on this information to his doctor right away and ask if any of this could cause this behavior. The other behavior is that he sometime will go off on a rage and start yelling and screaming at a family member. He did this to my girlfriend about a year ago and it was really upsetting as he was completely out of control and almost hit her. She would have put him in jail had that happened. He does that to my step mom more frequently. I have not seen him hit her but he seems so out of control I could see it happening.

Also, I should point out that as a kid I knew my dad was a cross dresser. I only knew because my mom had told my brother and I (after they had been divorced). Also, we would always find women's clothes and lingerie in his dresser drawers. We never saw him dress up. As I got older I figured he had outgrown that because I never saw evidence until a few years ago I started noticing he had women's clothing in his bedroom again (when my step mom is gone). So this is not entirely new. I never expected that this would be at the currently level that it's at where is advertised online to meet people and have them over for pictures and fun.

Thanks for the replies thus far. I certainly will research and learn about conservatorships. I expect if my dad was ever presented with this he could have a negative and possible violet reaction as losing access to his money means losing access to these people and his alternate lifestyle which is now all consuming his life. He is even letting the house go to complete disarray and whenever my mom approaches him about spending money to fix something he gets angry. I'm trying to help her but I also feel like I am in the middle trying to keep the peace. I know she is right and he is right out of his mind. :-( This person is nothing like the father I knew earlier in life but he can still fully care for himself and gets around fine and takes care of himself.