From the point of view of someone who has been in a similar situation (different state) I will tell you to hang in there. Do get a good attorney. You don't want to go into this undefended as female principal wage earners can get it socked to them just like men can, if the husband/wife goes after them and has the bankroll to pay a very assertive attorney and you don't. I'm sure your husband can be at some times a very charming man, and he might be able to charm the courts to the point they went even (or more) on the distribution of everything. Protect yourself.
You do not deserve a lot of blame for holding on for many years, after all it is very much what we are encouraged to do by society, church, our families, etc. Or your children even may be more on dad's side, regardless of what they've seen and heard. They don't realize a lot, especially if you've tried to make them a good life and keep things happy for them.
But now it's ending, and you do not have to listen to his threats, or give in to his brow beating. I actually saw a man stalk his soon to be ex wife (whom he was used to bullying and terrorizing) for an extended period, until her friends persuaded her to call the police. His direct quote, "Sign the house over to me completely and I'll leave you alone!" He didn't do well in court with this behavior, but only after she told people what was going on, took some action to protect herself. But she was so conditioned not to let others know about her home life, to keep her troubles to herself, that it took a while for her friends to figure out what was going on.
You will probably know, better than your attorney, though, exactly how your ex will react to whatever you do and offer and try to work out. Even if you do not listen to or read his threats and do not engage in arguments with him from this point forward, you probably know in your own mind about what it will take to get him to go away, how much you will need to compromise, and how to avoid enraging him to the point that he gives up entirely and decides to do something real drastic.
Collaborate with your attorney, make offers to him in a professional manner, be willing to compromise some. (after all, you DID choose to stay around a very long time and have children with this man even though you were supporting him, this gives you some liability. The judge may point this out to you, don't be surprised by it). Even if you try to play the abuse card, they're not going to take kindly to that unless there are police records and such, and you stayed around after it happened. Your attorney will help you through all this. Get one and let them.
I ended up not having to share anything at all from my retirement accounts with my ex husband, but then some years later, I did end up having to use some of that money to pay for his funeral so my children would not have to.
