Leaving husband with 2/3 kids. Legal implications?

[akalatheory]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Illinois

I've been told one of my children is old enough to basically state where she wants to be, and she wants to stay with her dad. So I'm planning on taking my two babies and leaving my husband. I'm also planning on putting a no contact order on him because he blows up my phone 24 hours a day when I've left in the past. Even with the no contact order, do I still have to provide him the address where I will be staying? And what could he do legally to me?

I have no criminal past, and the person I'll be with only has a dui (I'm basically leaving my husband for someone else). He isn't a sex offender, nor does he have any domestics on his record... unlike my husband who does have domestics on his record (not to mention the founded incident with DCFS where when I left him the LAST time, he drove drunk with the oldest and youngest child in his van across to Iowa). And he's a known boozehound (though not currently drinking). I'm also taking the babies only because my oldest child physically abuses my two year old, and she's not stopping. Her father won't stop it, he only tells her she shouldn't be hitting her little sister (though at ten years old, she already knows better).

My intention is to divorce his sorry butt. What legal complications could come of this? :/ I just want to know before I do it, and figure out how I could better protect myself and my babies. I have GOT to get away from this man for more reasons than listed here. He's verbally and emotionally abusive to me, a huuuuge narcissist, and vengeful in the legal field.

One reason I've stayed with him so long is because of his trying to seek revenge on me by throwing everything he can at me legally, and he knows I have neither the knowledge regarding the law, nor the money to hire a lawyer to defend myself. He's malicious. Also, would I still have to give him visitation with the no contact order? And I'm planning on moving about an hour or so away the beginning of next year. Would it be my responsibility to figure out how to get the babies down there, or his responsibility to figure out how to see them (assuming I still have to talk to him and give him visits)? I do know I'll need a full time job very shortly after leaving (right now I'm between jobs), though it may or may not be important to note that the person I'll be with does hold down a full time position.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Illinois

I've been told one of my children is old enough to basically state where she wants to be, and she wants to stay with her dad. So I'm planning on taking my two babies and leaving my husband. I'm also planning on putting a no contact order on him because he blows up my phone 24 hours a day when I've left in the past. Even with the no contact order, do I still have to provide him the address where I will be staying? And what could he do legally to me?

You are planning on getting a no contact order because your husband was concerned about you when you would leave him? And whoever told you one of your child is old enough to choose was wrong.

I have no criminal past, and the person I'll be with only has a dui (I'm basically leaving my husband for someone else).

In other words you think you can take your children around your paramour during the divorce and the court would approve? Dad could get a no paramour order. How will you survive then if you can't live with your adulterous lover and your children.

He isn't a sex offender, nor does he have any domestics on his record... unlike my husband who does have domestics on his record (not to mention the founded incident with DCFS where when I left him the LAST time, he drove drunk with the oldest and youngest child in his van across to Iowa). And he's a known boozehound (though not currently drinking).

And you think that shows good judgment to leave your oldest child with dad? Lovely. How long ago was the DCFS incident? Did they file a court case? You returned to him after that. And you are an adulterer.

I'm also taking the babies only because my oldest child physically abuses my two year old, and she's not stopping. Her father won't stop it, he only tells her she shouldn't be hitting her little sister (though at ten years old, she already knows better).

And yet you won't stop it either. Therefore you are not the best parent either. In fact, you probably are worst than dad because you don't care.

My intention is to divorce his sorry butt. What legal complications could come of this? :/ I just want to know before I do it, and figure out how I could better protect myself and my babies. I have GOT to get away from this man for more reasons than listed here. He's verbally and emotionally abusive to me, a huuuuge narcissist, and vengeful in the legal field.

He has rights to HIS children. You want to protect your babies yet you are leaving your 10 year old. Apparently she is too much work.

One reason I've stayed with him so long is because of his trying to seek revenge on me by throwing everything he can at me legally, and he knows I have neither the knowledge regarding the law, nor the money to hire a lawyer to defend myself. He's malicious. Also, would I still have to give him visitation with the no contact order?

You are assuming quite a bit. You are assuming you are going to get a no contact order and that you will end up with custody.

And I'm planning on moving about an hour or so away the beginning of next year. Would it be my responsibility to figure out how to get the babies down there, or his responsibility to figure out how to see them (assuming I still have to talk to him and give him visits)? I do know I'll need a full time job very shortly after leaving (right now I'm between jobs), though it may or may not be important to note that the person I'll be with does hold down a full time position.

You are assuming so much. I refuse to help you in what you want to do but note that everything I said is legally accurate and truthful. You accuse him of being a huge narcissist but this whole post is all about YOUR WANTS and YOUR thoughts and what YOU can do to him while still being your adulterous lover. This is no concern for the children or the fact that the children are entitled to both parents (and your new lover is NEVER going to be a parent to these children).

 

[stealth2]

Do you have proof of the physical abuse?

Dad will likely get visitation - with a distance, overnights. And you can expect to have to transport the kids unless you can reach an agreement. No state allows a 10yo to choose where to live, btw.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Jaw just dropping.

You would leave a 10 year old with someone who has previously endangered her life.
You will leave one relationship for another an hour away with tiny children.

Please, someone put these 3 children in foster care.

Your *legal* questions:
* No, the 10 year old is not old enough to "choose". But some responsible adult should choose to put her in counseling.
* Yes, Dad will get visitation. Even with a no contact order. It will not be supervised.
* Expect to provide ALL transportation for visitation: you are creating the distance.
* If you're really abused, then contact your local domestic violence outreach people for help. Sometimes, they will even provide legal help. I question whether your definition of abuse is "he's not letting me have my way." Also, you need to be emotionally healthy enough to jump into another relationship. Don't get into another relationship until a year after your divorce is finalized - don't expect some man to save you - focus on your children, especially the 10 year old, who is being neglected.

I could go on, but as someone who left a marriage due to domestic violence, and knowing how it affected my child in the immediate aftermath, I am just appalled.

 

[Ohiogal]

Do you have proof of the physical abuse?

Dad will likely get visitation - with a distance, overnights. And you can expect to have to transport the kids unless you can reach an agreement. No state allows a 10yo to choose where to live, btw.

Dad may have domestics on his record HOWEVER she said he only emotionally and verbally abuses her. The CHILD is the physically abusive one and I highly doubt mom has done much in the way of helping her because she has been too busy running around with her boyfriend.

 

[akalatheory]

Last time I checked, I didn't ask for opinions. Quite honestly, I don't care about anyone's opinion. Opinions are like XXXXX, everyone has one. I've done everything I can for the ten year old. Problem is the man I'm married to. Everything I do, he undoes within two days when it comes to her which renders everything I've done absolutely useless. I'm at a point where I just plain give up. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle, the same one I've been fighting for ten years or more. She is in counseling, she has been in counseling. I never claimed to be a perfect parent. If you can find a perfect parent, give me contact information, ok? At no point did I say I think I'll end up with custody because of a no contact order. I don't want him blowing up my phone with all of the manipulative, vengeful, abusive crap he always blows my phone up with. Name calling, threats. I'm tired of plain being harassed. No, it's not that he cares, sorry. That's not it at all. He's a control freak, and that's the bottom line.

 

[commentator]

This OP is the most classic reason in the world why mediators get out of the field. The only reasonable thing for this person to do would be do hang in there, take a holiday from the boyfriend, get another job, save up some money and get herself a good attorney before she starts trying to "leave his sorry butt." She's worked herself into a position where "I can't afford a lawyer" is not going to be feasible.

If she goes to court with this story and this baggage, presented as it is presented here, she's going to lose all, end up with nothing but the boyfriend, who has nothing but a DUI, while we're comparing charges here, and he'll probably turn out to be abusive too. And not only will she lose custody, the no contact order will be against her to see her own children, you know, even the two little ones she sort of cares about a little, not just the ten year old who wants to stay with her father (that traitor!) and who beats and abuses her siblings. (Like you could not control the behavior of a ten year old if you were paying any attention to it at all.)

What you get here is exposure to what the courts may see. It isn't looking good for your team.

 

[Ohiogal]

Last time I checked, I didn't ask for opinions. Quite honestly, I don't care about anyone's opinion. Opinions are like XXX, everyone has one. I've done everything I can for the ten year old. Problem is the man I'm married to. Everything I do, he undoes within two days when it comes to her which renders everything I've done absolutely useless. I'm at a point where I just plain give up. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle, the same one I've been fighting for ten years or more. She is in counseling, she has been in counseling. I never claimed to be a perfect parent. If you can find a perfect parent, give me contact information, ok? At no point did I say I think I'll end up with custody because of a no contact order. I don't want him blowing up my phone with all of the manipulative, vengeful, abusive crap he always blows my phone up with. Name calling, threats. I'm tired of plain being harassed. No, it's not that he cares, sorry. That's not it at all. He's a control freak, and that's the bottom line.

Name calling -- you are a cheater? An adulterer. You don't care about the children. You are looking for a way to get to be with your lover. I gave you legal information as has everyone else that answered you. The fact that you are a pathetic individual is on you. Leave the children with him -- all of the children. AND LEAVE to be with your new bedwarmer. Okay? The problem is, you are not an adult. You are acting like a spoiled entitled child who just believes that you get what you want -- you are going to get a harsh comeuppance if you continue. There is no guarantee you will get a no contact order. There is NO guarantee that you will get custody. Especially since you are going to leave one child behind and take the other two to see your adultery.

 

[Ohiogal]

This OP is the most classic reason in the world why mediators get out of the field. The only reasonable thing for this person to do would be do hang in there, take a holiday from the boyfriend, get another job, save up some money and get herself a good attorney before she starts trying to "leave his sorry butt." She's worked herself into a position where "I can't afford a lawyer" is not going to be feasible.

If she goes to court with this story and this baggage, presented as it is presented here, she's going to lose all, end up with nothing but the boyfriend, who has nothing but a DUI, while we're comparing charges here, and he'll probably turn out to be abusive too. And not only will she lose custody, the no contact order will be against her to see her own children, you know, even the two little ones she sort of cares about a little, not just the ten year old who wants to stay with her father (that traitor!) and who beats and abuses her siblings. (Like you could not control the behavior of a ten year old if you were paying any attention to it at all.)

What you get here is exposure to what the courts may see. It isn't looking good for your team.

This OP -- based on what she has presented -- deserves to lose all but her adulterous lover. And she was looking for sympathy by painting dad as a demon. Go figure. That didn't work.

 

[commentator]

You have got to get an attorney to get out of this situation. You are not prepared or qualified to represent yourself in any way. Listen to them. Let them speak for you in court. Go to a DV shelter, NOT to your boyfriend's house, and let the people in the shelter counsel you about getting legal assistance to get a restraining order. Turn OFF your darn phone, or cancel your service and use that money to hire an attorney, instead of complaining that he "blows up your phone" when you leave.

 

[akalatheory]

@commentator No kidding. I could have told you I'm not prepared or qualified to represent myself. I'm going to go down and talk to a DV shelter in my area, that's already planned even before this thread. And actually, I have Safelink, so. So much for that whole thing about using the money I use on my phone for an attorney LOL.

@Ohiogal You don't know the whole story. No one here does, and I don't want nor do I need your opinions. You don't know what I've been through because I haven't explained it AT ALL in this thread or any other.

 

[Zigner]

I'm not sure why folks here are suggesting that dad will get visitation without pointing out that it's entirely possible (and somewhat probable, IMO) that dad will get custody and mom will be the one visiting...

 

[Ohiogal]

I'm not sure why folks here are suggesting that dad will get visitation without pointing out that it's entirely possible (and somewhat probable, IMO) that dad will get custody and mom will be the one visiting...

I pointed out that dad could get custody in my first response.

 

[Ohiogal]

Jaw just dropping.

You would leave a 10 year old with someone who has previously endangered her life.
You will leave one relationship for another an hour away with tiny children.

Please, someone put these 3 children in foster care.

Your *legal* questions:
* No, the 10 year old is not old enough to "choose". But some responsible adult should choose to put her in counseling.
* Yes, Dad will get visitation. Even with a no contact order. It will not be supervised.
* Expect to provide ALL transportation for visitation: you are creating the distance.
* If you're really abused, then contact your local domestic violence outreach people for help. Sometimes, they will even provide legal help. I question whether your definition of abuse is "he's not letting me have my way." Also, you need to be emotionally healthy enough to jump into another relationship. Don't get into another relationship until a year after your divorce is finalized - don't expect some man to save you - focus on your children, especially the 10 year old, who is being neglected.

I could go on, but as someone who left a marriage due to domestic violence, and knowing how it affected my child in the immediate aftermath, I am just appalled.

I don't believe dad is abusive. I believe OP is playing the sympathy card. When she leaves to go be with her boyfriend, does she leave the children with dad? I am getting the idea that OP believes that yelling abuse is how she can manipulate the system. And it got her her very own Captain as the boys would say.

 

[Eekamouse]

Your husband will be a much happier person when you run off with your new sex partner. Do your kids a favor and give up on all of them instead of dragging the younger ones into your new life with a guy who is going to turn out to be a regular person with all the normal flaws and not the Mr. Wonderful you assume he is.