Pregnant teen reveals master runaway plan

[c0rd]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

First, I wanted to thank everyone here for their advice and input even the ones that weren’t so nice. You have been very helpful and you’ve made me see that I don’t understand this child at all. I think my last thread was closed because it was more parenting advice than legal advice that I was getting but it was really helpful and I’m very grateful.

I got to talking to my pregnant 14 year-old last night and this morning.

I tried to talk to her about the baby. I apologized for blowing up about it and I told her that I’d like to support her in whatever way I can so that she can raise her child and still stay in school. She said that’s great but I won’t be seeing the baby.

I said excuse me but if you live under my roof what are you going to do, keep the baby in your closet?

She said she won’t be living under my roof anymore and even if she is, the baby won’t be. She said if it’s up to her, I will never see her baby.

My daughter (I will call her that because that’s what she is to me whether she is legally or not) plans to have this baby and sign over all parental rights and custody to dad just to keep me out of the picture. She says that she is going to stop coming home and live with him and his family and even if I stop her, baby is staying with dad and his family and that if she can’t even see her child until she is 18, that is a sacrifice she’s willing to make to keep baby away from me.

His parents said that they will take her in.

I am devastated but since this is a legal forum (and I’m sorry I keep making these posts so personal) here are my questions.

Can I do anything to stop her from giving her baby away to dad? I feel like she’s setting me up to be the bad guy because if she does this, I’ll be keeping her away from her baby if I keep her away from her boyfriend.

I know she can’t legally move out when she’s only 14 or 15 years old but she’s already gone most weekends and evenings and the police won’t look for her when she’s missing, anymore. The whole neighborhood seems to think I’m just some loser who can’t control his kid. So, if she does leave and just not come home what can I do?

I don’t know where dad lives, I don’t know his last name and I’m not even sure if the first name that I have is his real name because it doesn't sound like a real name.

If they’re offering to take in a runaway minor, is that kidnapping? What kind of parents would offer to do that?

I’m thinking about maybe hiring a private investigator to follow her when she leaves school. I don’t know what else to do.

Her internet search history is full of articles about emancipation. Is that something she might be able to do?

What can I do? What should I do? I feel like I’m playing a high-stakes chess game with my kid and she’s winning. I want to end this and go back to normal.

 

[CTU]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

She said she won’t be living under my roof anymore and even if she is, the baby won’t be. She said if it’s up to her, I will never see her baby.

My daughter (I will call her that because that’s what she is to me whether she is legally or not) plans to have this baby and sign over all parental rights and custody to dad just to keep me out of the picture. She says that she is going to stop coming home and live with him and his family and even if I stop her, baby is staying with dad and his family and that if she can’t even see her child until she is 18, that is a sacrifice she’s willing to make to keep baby away from me.

She has that right. You won't be the baby's grandparent legally, so I strongly doubt that you would have standing to sue for grandparent visitation.

His parents said that they will take her in.

I am devastated but since this is a legal forum (and I’m sorry I keep making these posts so personal) here are my questions.

Can I do anything to stop her from giving her baby away to dad? I feel like she’s setting me up to be the bad guy because if she does this, I’ll be keeping her away from her baby if I keep her away from her boyfriend.

Not a thing.

I know she can’t legally move out when she’s only 14 or 15 years old but she’s already gone most weekends and evenings and the police won’t look for her when she’s missing, anymore. The whole neighborhood seems to think I’m just some loser who can’t control his kid. So, if she does leave and just not come home what can I do?

What have you been doing, punishment wise, when she disobeys you like this?

I don’t know where dad lives, I don’t know his last name and I’m not even sure if the first name that I have is his real name because it doesn't sound like a real name.

If they’re offering to take in a runaway minor, is that kidnapping? What kind of parents would offer to do that?

At this point, it's probably not the area you need to focus on.

I’m thinking about maybe hiring a private investigator to follow her when she leaves school. I don’t know what else to do.

Her internet search history is full of articles about emancipation. Is that something she might be able to do?

What can I do? What should I do? I feel like I’m playing a high-stakes chess game with my kid and she’s winning. I want to end this and go back to normal.

She will not be emancipated.

At this point I honestly don't know what else to tell you.

 

[cbg]

There is only one state that will even consider emancipating a 14 year old; that state is not Indiana; even in the one state that will, she would need to be either a nationally known athlete or spend her spare time as an extra in the Hunger Games movies. Not to mention the fact that no judge is going to emancipate a pregnant teenager; despite a great deal of misinformation out there, getting pregnant provides her with medical emancipation but pretty much ensures that she's kissed legal emancipation goodbye.

So don't worry about emancipation. It's not going to happen.

 

[c0rd]

That's a relief about emancipation. That's the last thing she needs.

Punishment is impossible. When she was younger, I would take things away as punishment but I ran out of things to take away. She doesn't enjoy sports or dance class like she used to so I can't restrict that. She has nothing. She has no cell phone, no video games, nothing. I try to punish her with extra chores but she just ignores them. I try things like early bed times but she doesn't care. Nothing moves her. She comes home to see her sister and that's it.

I tried offering reinforcement for behaving and that didn't work, either. I told her she can wear all black like she wants to all of the time if she's home for dinner every day and she didn't care. I told her that she can grow her hair long again if she stops skipping school and that didn't work, either. She doesn't care. Nothing matters to her. I have even tried saying that I won't give her any chores if she'll stay at home. She didn't care. She thinks I'm evil and she'll do anything if it means staying away from me. I'm starting to wonder if this pregnancy is even accidental or if this was all planned out.

Isn't there something the police should be doing when I call them? Kids get arrested for truancy. I don't understand.

 

[Just Blue]

That's a relief about emancipation. That's the last thing she needs.

Punishment is impossible. When she was younger, I would take things away as punishment but I ran out of things to take away. She doesn't enjoy sports or dance class like she used to so I can't restrict that. She has nothing. She has no cell phone, no video games, nothing. I try to punish her with extra chores but she just ignores them. I try things like early bed times but she doesn't care. Nothing moves her. She comes home to see her sister and that's it.

I tried offering reinforcement for behaving and that didn't work, either. I told her she can wear all black like she wants to all of the time if she's home for dinner every day and she didn't care. I told her that she can grow her hair long again if she stops skipping school and that didn't work, either. She doesn't care. Nothing matters to her. I have even tried saying that I won't give her any chores if she'll stay at home. She didn't care. She thinks I'm evil and she'll do anything if it means staying away from me. I'm starting to wonder if this pregnancy is even accidental or if this was all planned out.

Isn't there something the police should be doing when I call them? Kids get arrested for truancy. I don't understand.

Did you cut her hair as punishment???????

 

[not2cleverRed]

Clearly this child has some deep seated problems.

You are not going to make progress because she thinks you are the evil enemy.

Yes, I would consider hiring a PI - for starters, to make sure that it's a 17 year old that she's with, and not a 25 year old.

But I don't think any of that is legally relevant.

What is legally relevant is that she can turn on a dime and try to legally destroy you with false allegations.

I know you don't want to hear this, but if the boyfriend really is 17, and really living with his parents, meet with them and discuss the situation. Go in with an open mind, not assuming the other parents are scum - after all, they've likely already heard horrid things about you. Just because the 14 year old is telling you she's giving custody to dad doesn't mean dad and his parents agree. She's not saying she doesn't want to raise her child - she's saying you're evil and she doesn't want her child exposed to you.

This does not mean that *I* think you're evil.

It means, perhaps you have to throw in the towel and admit defeat. Admit that this child projects all her anger for the crappiness of her childhood onto you, and you can't fix it. She needs to be out of your house. There are worse things than foster care and group homes... at least, she thinks that's the case with you place.

 

[Ohiogal]

Support her in what she wants -- giving custody of the baby to the father. She still has a lot of time and can change her mind.

Apologize for your reactions in the past and have an honest conversation with her. Ask her about her father. What she wants. That you do not want to replace him but you do love her like she is your daughter. Talk to her. Continue doing so ... and you might see a change. Lay off the hair and clothing at this point. LET IT HAPPEN. Let her wear what she wants -- don't let her test you. Go with it. BUILD TRUST.

Continue. Go to counseling with her. See what happens.

 

[CTU]

Did you cut her hair as punishment???????

This concerns me very, very much and on a very deep level.

 

[Ohiogal]

This concerns me very, very much and on a very deep level.

And I can only hope he listens but I fear he won't because....

 

[c0rd]

I didn’t cut her hair as punishment and that was many years ago. She came to me with her hair too long and she never wanted to brush it or let anyone else brush it because she said it hurt too much. She was six when I had her hair cut and I’ve enforced keeping it cut short ever since because it looks neater, it gets too unmanageable too fast when it’s longer. It’s not like I’m trying to shame her. It looks sharp and her sister has the same haircut.

I’ll need to hire a PI just to find out where his parents are or where he lives in order to talk to them. I’ll definitely get on that. That is exactly what I wanted to do from the start, meet with his parents, but she won’t give me any contact information for him.

How can I throw in the towel and admit defeat? Do you mean let her move in with her boyfriend? She’s not doing that.

Ohio, I tried to talk to her about her biodad and she won’t talk to me about it. I try to tell her that I love her every day. I tried to talk to her about what she wants. She said she wants to get away from me. I tried again just about 30 minutes ago. She said she wants to take the GED test so that she can start college because high school is boring. She’s a freshman. I’m happy that she shared this with me but I don’t think she can do that. It’s not a practical idea but it's the most she's spoken to me in months.

Her psychologist said this is just a phase and she’ll come around. I think whoever said it in my last thread was right and I should look for a new psychologist. A lot of teenagers say that they hate their parents and I heard it from my kids before but I’m very afraid that it might actually be true with her.

I’d still like to know if his parents really did say they’ll take her in, is that kidnapping? There must be a law against taking in an underage runaway.

I believe that they said it because where else could she be when she’s gone overnight? I think all of this time that she’s gone, she’s been with them. That’s also why she doesn’t want me to know where he lives or how to reach him, because she doesn’t want me to be able to find her when she’s there. If that’s the only place she’s going when she’s running away, she might be spending more time there than she spends at home already and knowing where they live might help me to get her home more often.

I'm trying very hard to listen and to understand because I want this to work. I'm not going to give up on her.

 

[CTU]

I didn’t cut her hair as punishment and that was many years ago. She came to me with her hair too long and she never wanted to brush it or let anyone else brush it because she said it hurt too much. She was six when I had her hair cut and I’ve enforced keeping it cut short ever since because it looks neater, it gets too unmanageable too fast when it’s longer. It’s not like I’m trying to shame her. It looks sharp and her sister has the same haircut.

I have no words.

I’ll need to hire a PI just to find out where his parents are or where he lives in order to talk to them. I’ll definitely get on that. That is exactly what I wanted to do from the start, meet with his parents, but she won’t give me any contact information for him.

How can I throw in the towel and admit defeat? Do you mean let her move in with her boyfriend? She’s not doing that.

Ohio, I tried to talk to her about her biodad and she won’t talk to me about it. I try to tell her that I love her every day. I tried to talk to her about what she wants. She said she wants to get away from me. I tried again just about 30 minutes ago. She said she wants to take the GED test so that she can start college because high school is boring. She’s a freshman. I’m happy that she shared this with me but I don’t think she can do that. It’s not a practical idea but it's the most she's spoken to me in months.

Her psychologist said this is just a phase and she’ll come around. I think whoever said it in my last thread was right and I should look for a new psychologist. A lot of teenagers say that they hate their parents and I heard it from my kids before but I’m very afraid that it might actually be true with her.

I’d still like to know if his parents really did say they’ll take her in, is that kidnapping? There must be a law against taking in an underage runaway.

I believe that they said it because where else could she be when she’s gone overnight? I think all of this time that she’s gone, she’s been with them. That’s also why she doesn’t want me to know where he lives or how to reach him, because she doesn’t want me to be able to find her when she’s there. If that’s the only place she’s going when she’s running away, she might be spending more time there than she spends at home already and knowing where they live might help me to get her home more often.

I'm trying very hard to listen and to understand because I want this to work. I'm not going to give up on her.

I can't quite believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to say it anyway.

This young lady needs to be away from you, and housed somewhere else safely - and as soon as possible.

And with that, I'm out ... unless of course the cavalry comes a-marching in with more nonsense to correct.

 

[LdiJ]

I have no words.



I can't quite believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to say it anyway.

This young lady needs to be away from you, and housed somewhere else safely - and as soon as possible.

And with that, I'm out ... unless of course the cavalry comes a-marching in with more nonsense to correct.

Are you saying that because of the hair thing, or are you seeing more that I am not seeing? I am saying this because my mom gave me a pixie cut when I was six because it was just too hard to deal with my hair longer than that at that age.

Now, I will say to dad, the following: Only a control freak would attempt to control a child's hairstyle past about age 10. So, the fact that you have enforced the short hairstyle bit clear into the teen years with your child is a bit disturbing. It tends to indicate that you are not allowing your children to be individuals. When things like that happen, its not at all unusual for children to glom onto other people who validate them. Even if those people are dangerous as heck.

Right now I cannot tell if your daughter has glommed onto very nice people who treat her with kindness and respect, because you do not treat her with either, or if your daughter has been seduced by really evil people. I think it could go either way.

What I do know however is that you are the grownup, you are the parent. You either have to parent this child or you need to turn her over to the state and let the state parent her.

 

[not2cleverRed]

I didn’t cut her hair as punishment and that was many years ago. She came to me with her hair too long and she never wanted to brush it or let anyone else brush it because she said it hurt too much. She was six when I had her hair cut and I’ve enforced keeping it cut short ever since because it looks neater, it gets too unmanageable too fast when it’s longer. It’s not like I’m trying to shame her. It looks sharp and her sister has the same haircut.

Jaw dropping to floor.

So, based on what she was like as a *6* year old, you've been having her keep her hair short? Teach 'em how to use a brush and the appropriate hair products for their texture, and they'll learn how to manage their own, and style as they please. Seriously.

I’ll need to hire a PI just to find out where his parents are or where he lives in order to talk to them. I’ll definitely get on that. That is exactly what I wanted to do from the start, meet with his parents, but she won’t give me any contact information for him.

How can I throw in the towel and admit defeat? Do you mean let her move in with her boyfriend? She’s not doing that.

Well, you have pretty much been defeated, so yes, admit it.

Ohio, I tried to talk to her about her biodad and she won’t talk to me about it. I try to tell her that I love her every day. I tried to talk to her about what she wants. She said she wants to get away from me. I tried again just about 30 minutes ago. She said she wants to take the GED test so that she can start college because high school is boring. She’s a freshman. I’m happy that she shared this with me but I don’t think she can do that. It’s not a practical idea but it's the most she's spoken to me in months. [\QUOTE]

If she's bored and wants to take the GED, then arrange for her to take the GED test. If she fails, then that should indicate to her that she's not as know it all as she thinks she is.

If she passes, enroll her in community college courses at the very least. There are programs out there aimed specifically at hs students who want to take college courses. Step back. Let her fall on her face, or pleasantly surprise you.

Or look up private boarding schools - they aren't all military academies, and there's the possibility of financial aid. Doesn't have to be the Summerhill School. (Read A.S.Neill's book. Really.)

Her psychologist said this is just a phase and she’ll come around. I think whoever said it in my last thread was right and I should look for a new psychologist. A lot of teenagers say that they hate their parents and I heard it from my kids before but I’m very afraid that it might actually be true with her.

I’d still like to know if his parents really did say they’ll take her in, is that kidnapping? There must be a law against taking in an underage runaway.

I believe that they said it because where else could she be when she’s gone overnight? I think all of this time that she’s gone, she’s been with them. That’s also why she doesn’t want me to know where he lives or how to reach him, because she doesn’t want me to be able to find her when she’s there. If that’s the only place she’s going when she’s running away, she might be spending more time there than she spends at home already and knowing where they live might help me to get her home more often.

I'm trying very hard to listen and to understand because I want this to work. I'm not going to give up on her.

I think you need to take up meditation or something, because you've lost your way.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Are you saying that because of the hair thing, or are you seeing more that I am not seeing? I am saying this because my mom gave me a pixie cut when I was six because it was just too hard to deal with my hair longer than that at that age.

Now, I will say to dad, the following: Only a control freak would attempt to control a child's hairstyle past about age 10. So, the fact that you have enforced the short hairstyle bit clear into the teen years with your child is a bit disturbing. It tends to indicate that you are not allowing your children to be individuals. When things like that happen, its not at all unusual for children to glom onto other people who validate them. Even if those people are dangerous as heck.

Right now I cannot tell if your daughter has glommed onto very nice people who treat her with kindness and respect, because you do not treat her with either, or if your daughter has been seduced by really evil people. I think it could go either way.

What I do know however is that you are the grownup, you are the parent. You either have to parent this child or you need to turn her over to the state and let the state parent her.

Exactly. Missing the like button.

 

[c0rd]

I have no words.



I can't quite believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to say it anyway.

This young lady needs to be away from you, and housed somewhere else safely - and as soon as possible.

And with that, I'm out ... unless of course the cavalry comes a-marching in with more nonsense to correct.

What did I say?

What do you mean, admit defeat? How do you admit defeat as a parent? She wants to move in with her boyfriend. Are you telling me that I should let her?

If she's not at my house, where is she supposed to be? I raised six children before her and they all came out fine. Her sister is doing fine.

I may be a little bit strict but that isn't a crime. I'm trying to fix things. I just don't know how.

I'll let her take the GED test. I don't see how a freshman can pass it but we'll see.