Child Custody Case

[tsdaughe]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

I will try to be short & to the point. Divorced from ex husband since dec 2011. We have 2 kids ages 9 and 11. Son is on the autism spectrum and adhd with delays since birth. On an IEP. Daughter diagnosed with a neuropsych disorder in 2017 after therapy and meds didn't work. Both attend weekly therapy and med management. Both in tutoring & social groups. Appts have been handled by myself and my current husband as my ex husband was unavailable.
Feb 2017 our son came home with a bruise and stated his father hit him in the head & pushed him to the ground & squeezed his arms hence the bruise. His therapist reported it to cps. No case was opened. July 2017 my ex cancelled his visitation with the kids by telling our son to tell me and I got served with papers of him filing for primary custody shortly after. Last week our son disclosed to me and the school psychologist that his father has been choking him. Myself and the school psychologist reported it. CPS opened a family assessment case only. My ex is denying our sons allegations. I believe him whole heartedly. He has pulled away more and more from his father & has refused to see his dad- but i make him go. My ex can be demeaning and verbally abusive. He treats our daughter very different.
I borrowed money to hire an attorney. A GAL was just appointed last week. I currently have primary physical and joint legal. Dad gets them eow and takes our daughter to karate twice a week. I always agree to requests for extra time and when we go to ohio once a year or the kids do with my parents we arrange for them to see their paternal grandparents and aunts etc.
My attorney told me the allegations our son made dont mean much unless they are founded. I am worried for our son as what he describes is his father waiting until his wife and other kids are upstairs to choke him. I have seen first hand him call our son lazy and had to step in between them when our son didn't want to go to karate and was trying to exit my vehicle into my house and his father wouldn't let him out of the car. Our son started to meltdown and scream and cry so i stepped in between and ushered our son into my house. Our son has sense quit karate and refuses to spend extra time with his dad. He has been getting in fights at school.
My ex is alledging I use excessive punishment but mentions no specifics in his statements. He mentions the kids frequent tardies last year. Before our daughter got diagnosed and proper treatment she was violent and had crippling ocd symptoms which made mornings a challenge. I let the school know and my ex and got her into therapy abd meds then a doctor who diagnosed her. She is 90% better roughly. I fought the school for 2 years for an IEP and hired and advocate and finally got one. She is doing much better at school but still struggles with math. I had her in tutoring which her father wouldn't take her too then I had to take a breal due tp finances. Our sons tardies were due to bullying and school refusal. It got so bad that the end of the year children tied a noose around a tree and told him to kill himself. At the advise of our advocate my husband and I bought a new house to get him into the middle school with the highest rated special ed program. They offer free after school tutoring which he is now enrolled in.

I am worried because my attorney said me calling cps can look like me crying wolf. I am a therapist and a mandated reporter but also this being the second disclosure by our son I wasn't turning a blind eye. I also feel he is trying to alienate our daughter from me by the things she says after seeing him. Their father hasn't been involved in their treatment or helping with tutoring despite having all the info and being invited. Now that he filed all of a sudden he is taking appointments I scheduled for specifically our sons therapy and telling me he doesnt want me there so him and his wife can come. I have refused to be pushed out but told them they are more then welcome to come to show our son support or schedule just for them. He just doesn't come. I am worried the courts wont see or believe our sons accusations. He can easily fool people and garner support with half truths or lies. What else can I do to show my concern is our kids best interest only? I fear him getting primary and due to his military schedule and long work hours the kids spending 12+ hours a day in school and before and after school care and him not taking them to their therapy or tutoring etc. He works an hour away from where we live. He has never utilized his 4 week summer visitation. The longest he has ever taken them was 6 or 7 days over spring break 4 years ago. So what else can I do? Suggestions? Alternate viewpoints? How do I express my concerns to the GAL without seeing like I am against their father. Cause i am not.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

I will try to be short & to the point. Divorced from ex husband since dec 2011. We have 2 kids ages 9 and 11. Son is on the autism spectrum and adhd with delays since birth. On an IEP. Daughter diagnosed with a neuropsych disorder in 2017 after therapy and meds didn't work. Both attend weekly therapy and med management. Both in tutoring & social groups. Appts have been handled by myself and my current husband as my ex husband was unavailable.
Feb 2017 our son came home with a bruise and stated his father hit him in the head & pushed him to the ground & squeezed his arms hence the bruise. His therapist reported it to cps. No case was opened. July 2017 my ex cancelled his visitation with the kids by telling our son to tell me and I got served with papers of him filing for primary custody shortly after. Last week our son disclosed to me and the school psychologist that his father has been choking him. Myself and the school psychologist reported it. CPS opened a family assessment case only. My ex is denying our sons allegations. I believe him whole heartedly. He has pulled away more and more from his father & has refused to see his dad- but i make him go. My ex can be demeaning and verbally abusive. He treats our daughter very different.
I borrowed money to hire an attorney. A GAL was just appointed last week. I currently have primary physical and joint legal. Dad gets them eow and takes our daughter to karate twice a week. I always agree to requests for extra time and when we go to ohio once a year or the kids do with my parents we arrange for them to see their paternal grandparents and aunts etc.
My attorney told me the allegations our son made dont mean much unless they are founded. I am worried for our son as what he describes is his father waiting until his wife and other kids are upstairs to choke him. I have seen first hand him call our son lazy and had to step in between them when our son didn't want to go to karate and was trying to exit my vehicle into my house and his father wouldn't let him out of the car. Our son started to meltdown and scream and cry so i stepped in between and ushered our son into my house. Our son has sense quit karate and refuses to spend extra time with his dad. He has been getting in fights at school.
My ex is alledging I use excessive punishment but mentions no specifics in his statements. He mentions the kids frequent tardies last year. Before our daughter got diagnosed and proper treatment she was violent and had crippling ocd symptoms which made mornings a challenge. I let the school know and my ex and got her into therapy abd meds then a doctor who diagnosed her. She is 90% better roughly. I fought the school for 2 years for an IEP and hired and advocate and finally got one. She is doing much better at school but still struggles with math. I had her in tutoring which her father wouldn't take her too then I had to take a breal due tp finances. Our sons tardies were due to bullying and school refusal. It got so bad that the end of the year children tied a noose around a tree and told him to kill himself. At the advise of our advocate my husband and I bought a new house to get him into the middle school with the highest rated special ed program. They offer free after school tutoring which he is now enrolled in.

I am worried because my attorney said me calling cps can look like me crying wolf. I am a therapist and a mandated reporter but also this being the second disclosure by our son I wasn't turning a blind eye. I also feel he is trying to alienate our daughter from me by the things she says after seeing him. Their father hasn't been involved in their treatment or helping with tutoring despite having all the info and being invited. Now that he filed all of a sudden he is taking appointments I scheduled for specifically our sons therapy and telling me he doesnt want me there so him and his wife can come. I have refused to be pushed out but told them they are more then welcome to come to show our son support or schedule just for them. He just doesn't come. I am worried the courts wont see or believe our sons accusations. He can easily fool people and garner support with half truths or lies. What else can I do to show my concern is our kids best interest only? I fear him getting primary and due to his military schedule and long work hours the kids spending 12+ hours a day in school and before and after school care and him not taking them to their therapy or tutoring etc. He works an hour away from where we live. He has never utilized his 4 week summer visitation. The longest he has ever taken them was 6 or 7 days over spring break 4 years ago. So what else can I do? Suggestions? Alternate viewpoints? How do I express my concerns to the GAL without seeing like I am against their father. Cause i am not.

Why is your husband meeting with the advocate for YOUR son? You have NO evidence that father is abusive to the child. None at all. And the kids being frequently tardy to school is an issue. You say your son is bullied but yet he is also aggressive. How many fights has your son gotten into at school?

While dad may not get primary, you are appearing to want to limit dad from being a parent. Unless you have evidence a court is not going to believe that your son is being choked constantly.

 

[tsdaughe]

Why is your husband meeting with the advocate for YOUR son? You have NO evidence that father is abusive to the child. None at all. And the kids being frequently tardy to school is an issue. You say your son is bullied but yet he is also aggressive. How many fights has your son gotten into at school?

While dad may not get primary, you are appearing to want to limit dad from being a parent. Unless you have evidence a court is not going to believe that your son is being choked constantly.

My husband and I hired the advocate. Not my ex. He didn't want an advocate involved at least initially because he doesn't understand the IEP process and believed the school would do right by our daughter on their own. Myself and my husband and my ex go to all of the educational meetings.

I don't want to limit time. I want to keep it as is. I know I don't have proof of our sons abuse but that doesn't mean it's not happening. The tardies were from last school year and aren't an issue currently. Our sons fighting didn't start until this year with him moving into 6th grade. He has been in 3 fights. One he was truly defending himself and the other 2 were mutual fighting. I didn't say also that his father is constantly choking him. Our son said 3 times this year plus the incident where the bruise was left.
I don't want to take them away from their father. I would like him to actually go to therapy with our son and meet his providers and learn about autism and better ways to parent. I may not have proof of what our son is alledging but I have witnessed his father's verbal abuse and blocking our son and attempts to bully him.

 

[Ohiogal]

My husband and I hired the advocate. Not my ex. He didn't want an advocate involved at least initially because he doesn't understand the IEP process and believed the school would do right by our daughter on their own. Myself and my husband and my ex go to all of the educational meetings.

I don't want to limit time. I want to keep it as is. I know I don't have proof of our sons abuse but that doesn't mean it's not happening. The tardies were from last school year and aren't an issue currently. Our sons fighting didn't start until this year with him moving into 6th grade. He has been in 3 fights. One he was truly defending himself and the other 2 were mutual fighting. I didn't say also that his father is constantly choking him. Our son said 3 times this year plus the incident where the bruise was left.
I don't want to take them away from their father. I would like him to actually go to therapy with our son and meet his providers and learn about autism and better ways to parent. I may not have proof of what our son is alledging but I have witnessed his father's verbal abuse and blocking our son and attempts to bully him.

What you call bullying, the court may see as parenting. You need to realize that. And you are excusing your son's fighting with calling two times MUTUAL fighting. Did you ground your child when he mutually fought?

 

[tsdaughe]

What you call bullying, the court may see as parenting. You need to realize that. And you are excusing your son's fighting with calling two times MUTUAL fighting. Did you ground your child when he mutually fought?

Sorry I gave that impression. Last year having kids telling him to kill himself and tripping him and calling him gay etc is bullying. That added to his symptoms of autism and anxiety and struggles academically just compounded everything. This year with the fighting he was grounded and lost all electronics. I took his ipad away and it's been a month and he still doesn't have it back. He wrote an apology letter also. All but 1 fight is him and the same kid. The school is doing their best to keep them seperate. Our son is on sensory overload in middle school. He went from a small elementary to a big middle school. All work is on a chromebook and he is struggling to keep up with the workload and handle all the noise.

I will add as I said I have never ever limited the kids time with their dad. I always say yes to extra time. Their step mom wanted to take them to disneyworld and I said yes. I encourage him every summer to use his month visit but he doesn't. He used to live an hour away and when he moved closer I offered him to keep the kids longer on weekends into mondays and take them to school but he said he couldn't. He just makes everything so challenging. He dropped the kids from dental for 3 years. I had to beg for 3 months to get new dependent id's for proof of insurance. I don't even want to be going through a custody case. No mediation was offered.

 

[Ohiogal]

Sorry I gave that impression. Last year having kids telling him to kill himself and tripping him and calling him gay etc is bullying. That added to his symptoms of autism and anxiety and struggles academically just compounded everything. This year with the fighting he was grounded and lost all electronics. I took his ipad away and it's been a month and he still doesn't have it back. He wrote an apology letter also. All but 1 fight is him and the same kid. The school is doing their best to keep them seperate. Our son is on sensory overload in middle school. He went from a small elementary to a big middle school. All work is on a chromebook and he is struggling to keep up with the workload and handle all the noise.

I will add as I said I have never ever limited the kids time with their dad. I always say yes to extra time. Their step mom wanted to take them to disneyworld and I said yes. I encourage him every summer to use his month visit but he doesn't. He used to live an hour away and when he moved closer I offered him to keep the kids longer on weekends into mondays and take them to school but he said he couldn't. He just makes everything so challenging. He dropped the kids from dental for 3 years. I had to beg for 3 months to get new dependent id's for proof of insurance. I don't even want to be going through a custody case. No mediation was offered.

You misunderstood to what bullying of which I was speaking:

I may not have proof of what our son is alledging but I have witnessed his father's verbal abuse and blocking our son and attempts to bully him.

The court may see that as nothing more than dad's parenting style.
What the kids are doing is bullying.

But what you need to see is you are saying your son is struggling in this middle school which YOU moved to place him in.

At the advise of our advocate my husband and I bought a new house to get him into the middle school with the highest rated special ed program. They offer free after school tutoring which he is now enrolled in.

Your son was bullied at the old school and now is fighting at the new school. Mutual fighting. And more bullying and sensory overload. Is that really in your son's best interest? Ratings and all sound great but it sounds like changing your son to a "better" middle school wasn't better for him. Again, dad may not win custody but you need to see that you are not blameless. You really aren't. You blame dad for "mak(ing) everything so challenging" and yet you don't see that you have not been the best coparent. Did you ever talk to dad about your son's allegations? Or did you just call CPS and make a referral? If you did talk to dad, did you start the conversation with, Why did you push/smack/choke/bruise our son? Or was it more like, "Hey junior has a bruise. Do you know how he got it?"

And being tardy continuously for a school year is NOT good. At all. You needed to find a way to prevent tardies as the parent. Did you discuss therapy and such with dad PRIOR to scheduling it? Did you get dad's input into medicating your mutual child or stopping the medication or the advocate? Since you have joint legal you should have done that. You should have given dad input into where the children were going to therapy. Did you?

 

[tsdaughe]

You misunderstood to what bullying of which I was speaking:

The court may see that as nothing more than dad's parenting style.
What the kids are doing is bullying.

But what you need to see is you are saying your son is struggling in this middle school which YOU moved to place him in.


Your son was bullied at the old school and now is fighting at the new school. Mutual fighting. And more bullying and sensory overload. Is that really in your son's best interest? Ratings and all sound great but it sounds like changing your son to a "better" middle school wasn't better for him. Again, dad may not win custody but you need to see that you are not blameless. You really aren't. You blame dad for "mak(ing) everything so challenging" and yet you don't see that you have not been the best coparent. Did you ever talk to dad about your son's allegations? Or did you just call CPS and make a referral? If you did talk to dad, did you start the conversation with, Why did you push/smack/choke/bruise our son? Or was it more like, "Hey junior has a bruise. Do you know how he got it?"

And being tardy continuously for a school year is NOT good. At all. You needed to find a way to prevent tardies as the parent. Did you discuss therapy and such with dad PRIOR to scheduling it? Did you get dad's input into medicating your mutual child or stopping the medication or the advocate? Since you have joint legal you should have done that. You should have given dad input into where the children were going to therapy. Did you?

The middle school we were zoned for is even bigger and is a very rough school. I live in virginia beach and pretty much all the middle schools are large. He would be on sensory overload anywhere. They are on block schedules here and have 5 different classes each day. I discussed private school with their father as we have one here that specializes in autism and small classes. He refused to consider it or tour the school. So, I tried the next best ie a better special ed program. My friend is a therapist at the school we were zoned for and she will even be moving so her son doesnt go there.

Yes. I did talk to his father about the allegations. In feb I tried and said he came home with a bruise and did he know what happened and he ignored me. I emailed him and asked him and said that our son said he hit him on the head and threw him on the ground. The same night our son said it happened my ex called me and was screaming at me because he was angry that our son wasn't listenong to him. He blamed me and was saying he was going to take our son from me and I will never see him again. Then I heard our son crying in the background and then yell no you can't take me from my mom. I hung up to stop it. He ignored my email about the bruise and accusation for about a week and finally wrote back and said he walked him calmly into the house when our son was upset and said he didn't know what I was referencing as far as the bruise. This time also I text him (we do text or email only) and said our son told me that you have been choking him. I told him our son also said he was hoping his dad made chief so he would have people below him to choke or yell at. His response was I don't know what you are referencing. Thats it.

Yes. I discussed therapy with their father and medication for both kids before starting. Our son has been in therapy on and off and on meds since age 7. He is now 11. This time about 2 years ago his dad and I agreed he needed therapy. I let him know that where he was going for meds had a therapist also and we agreed to schedule him there. He has gone to 1 appt in about 2 years. With our daughter we discussed therapy and agreed to schedule her with the same therapist our son goes too. When that wasn't working and she was acting out at school I discussed with him seeing the psychiatrist there. Honestly, that time I got no response. He just ignored me despite multiple attempts. So yes I went ahead on my own as he wouldn't talk at all. When meds worked some but she was getting worse I discussed with him a second opinion and getting more extensive medical testing and he agreed. I told him who the doctor was that agreed to do the work up. Told him when the apppintment was. He couldn't make it and it was an emergency appt. I cleared with the doctor her father calling for a phone conference and gave her father the info and he never utilized it. When our daughter requested a female therapist my ex found one and asked me to sign all the paperwork as that office required that I do as I have primary custody. I picked up the paperwork and filled it out and signed all releases etc. We alternate taking her. He has always been invited and given information and even their providers have invited him to come in and he doesn't.
I talked to him about hiring an advocate. He said he didn't want to pay for it and do what you feel is necessary. Note I didn't ask him to pay. They are both on meds. The only thing that was stopped was our daughters daily antibiotics snd steroids once her neuropsych issue was stabilized. He agreed to this. As far as other meds he has called tp tslk to our daughters psychiatrist whom told him she doesnt discuss meds and changes over the phone and asked to schedule a time for him to come in. He declined. He has never spoken to our sons psychiatrist. The kids doctors are in the same office. I have tried. I have given him all the information. Asked him to be involved. He would always say they live with you so you handle it or I have to work. That's one reason I am shocked he filed.
I have never claimed to be blameless. I am not perfect. I used to get angry at him when first divorced etc. Now I try hard not too. I like his new wife. Encourage her relationship with the kids. Have even told her I value her in our childrens lives. Trust me I don't get that.

 

[Ohiogal]

The middle school we were zoned for is even bigger and is a very rough school. I live in virginia beach and pretty much all the middle schools are large. He would be on sensory overload anywhere. They are on block schedules here and have 5 different classes each day. I discussed private school with their father as we have one here that specializes in autism and small classes. He refused to consider it or tour the school. So, I tried the next best ie a better special ed program. My friend is a therapist at the school we were zoned for and she will even be moving so her son doesnt go there.

Yes. I did talk to his father about the allegations. In feb I tried and said he came home with a bruise and did he know what happened and he ignored me. I emailed him and asked him and said that our son said he hit him on the head and threw him on the ground. The same night our son said it happened my ex called me and was screaming at me because he was angry that our son wasn't listenong to him. He blamed me and was saying he was going to take our son from me and I will never see him again. Then I heard our son crying in the background and then yell no you can't take me from my mom. I hung up to stop it. He ignored my email about the bruise and accusation for about a week and finally wrote back and said he walked him calmly into the house when our son was upset and said he didn't know what I was referencing as far as the bruise. This time also I text him (we do text or email only) and said our son told me that you have been choking him. I told him our son also said he was hoping his dad made chief so he would have people below him to choke or yell at. His response was I don't know what you are referencing. Thats it.

Yes. I discussed therapy with their father and medication for both kids before starting. Our son has been in therapy on and off and on meds since age 7. He is now 11. This time about 2 years ago his dad and I agreed he needed therapy. I let him know that where he was going for meds had a therapist also and we agreed to schedule him there. He has gone to 1 appt in about 2 years. With our daughter we discussed therapy and agreed to schedule her with the same therapist our son goes too. When that wasn't working and she was acting out at school I discussed with him seeing the psychiatrist there. Honestly, that time I got no response. He just ignored me despite multiple attempts. So yes I went ahead on my own as he wouldn't talk at all. When meds worked some but she was getting worse I discussed with him a second opinion and getting more extensive medical testing and he agreed. I told him who the doctor was that agreed to do the work up. Told him when the apppintment was. He couldn't make it and it was an emergency appt. I cleared with the doctor her father calling for a phone conference and gave her father the info and he never utilized it. When our daughter requested a female therapist my ex found one and asked me to sign all the paperwork as that office required that I do as I have primary custody. I picked up the paperwork and filled it out and signed all releases etc. We alternate taking her. He has always been invited and given information and even their providers have invited him to come in and he doesn't.
I talked to him about hiring an advocate. He said he didn't want to pay for it and do what you feel is necessary. Note I didn't ask him to pay. They are both on meds. The only thing that was stopped was our daughters daily antibiotics snd steroids once her neuropsych issue was stabilized. He agreed to this. As far as other meds he has called tp tslk to our daughters psychiatrist whom told him she doesnt discuss meds and changes over the phone and asked to schedule a time for him to come in. He declined. He has never spoken to our sons psychiatrist. The kids doctors are in the same office. I have tried. I have given him all the information. Asked him to be involved. He would always say they live with you so you handle it or I have to work. That's one reason I am shocked he filed.
I have never claimed to be blameless. I am not perfect. I used to get angry at him when first divorced etc. Now I try hard not too. I like his new wife. Encourage her relationship with the kids. Have even told her I value her in our childrens lives. Trust me I don't get that.

I don't think dad will win. I don't. But you don't have evidence of any abuse. Except your son -- who is aggressive -- saying it happened. That is most likely why your attorney says it is crying wolf.

 

[HRZ]

Hopefully the tardy conduct is entirely behind him.