Fiance threatened to "take me before a judge" during an argument over money. Bluff?

[PayrollHRGuy]

And she has opened yet another thread.

 

[lexiedavid99]

I'm sorry. Only for the bank card question. I didn't know if I could keep in same post.

I am getting a plan to get out. 1000 percent. I understand now how crazy this must sound...

And she has opened yet another thread.

 

[cbg]

Best of luck to you, Lexie. Stay safe and please do let us know how things turn out. We do care.

We used to have a wonderful responder here who ran a non-profit for victims of domestic abuse. She passed away a few years ago and her website now appears to be run by a similar organization, but in the UK. You might want to check it out anyway as some of the suggestions transcend national differences.

www.aardvarc.org

 

[LdiJ]

My answer has not changed. Do not pay him a dime; call an attorney and a therapist, not necessarily in that order, and get that guy out of your life as soon as possible.

I cannot even imagine any additional facts you could post that would make me change that answer.

I agree 100%. Get your own place immediately.

On top of that, if you do not think that he is still abusing you financially you are living in fantasyland. In another thread you stated that you are spending up to 5000.00 a month on dinners and outings with him. STOP that.

 

[lexiedavid99]

that's true. I was spending that much. I was trying to hard to make our life comfortable -- he is/was struggling financially so I just kept spending. I used to say "it will all come from the same place anyway" but last month I hit big hole...lost a client. I asked him for help. He said no. I asked him to co-sign for credit card since I couldn't get a card with more than a couple hundred dollar limit. He said no.

He said the fact that I left him with that credit card last time (even though he had all my paychecks) proves he can never help me again.

I was freaking out. So I got really desperate -- did cold calling and got a new client. And I could tell he was angry when I told him I was fine again. At least for that month.
He said wow must be nice to be a woman and have men throw money at you.....

I agree 100%. Get your own place immediately.

On top of that, if you do not think that he is still abusing you financially you are living in fantasyland. In another thread you stated that you are spending up to 5000.00 a month on dinners and outings with him. STOP that.

 

[stealth2]

I'm not reading this foolishness. That you still consider him your fiance is astounding.

 

[LdiJ]

that's true. I was spending that much. I was trying to hard to make our life comfortable -- he is/was struggling financially so I just kept spending. I used to say "it will all come from the same place anyway" but last month I hit big hole...lost a client. I asked him for help. He said no. I asked him to co-sign for credit card since I couldn't get a card with more than a couple hundred dollar limit. He said no.

He said the fact that I left him with that credit card last time (even though he had all my paychecks) proves he can never help me again.

I was freaking out. So I got really desperate -- did cold calling and got a new client. And I could tell he was angry when I told him I was fine again. At least for that month.
He said wow must be nice to be a woman and have men throw money at you.....

Don't you get how ridiculous this is? He won't help you when you are in the hole let he expects you to spend, spend, spend on him. Then he gets mad when you fix the problem by yourself.

 

[Zigner]

This one is elaborate, but I'm close to calling "troll".

 

[cbg]

Hon, can you not see how he's only happy when he is in complete control of you and everything you own, and how threatened he is by the very idea of you having any kind of independent life?

 

[lexiedavid99]

I promise you I am not a troll. In some ways, I wish I was. But this is my life. I'm trying to come to grips with this... and fighture out how to leave.

This one is elaborate, but I'm close to calling "troll".

 

[Shadowbunny]

This one is elaborate, but I'm close to calling "troll".

I'm torn on this one, Zigner. Although she sets off my "troll alarm," at the same time, I've dealt with (mostly) women who are SO desperate to stay with someone that they put up with this level of nonsense. Combine low-self esteem with financial dependency and you get this type of train wreck. It's just harder to believe it when the women in question aren't financially dependent on their abuser. Which just leaves severely damaged self-esteem as the root cause.

So I guess I hope it's a troll. Because if not, then it means lexie is another abused woman who desperately needs help.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

I promise you I am not a troll. In some ways, I wish I was. But this is my life. I'm trying to come to grips with this... and fighture out how to leave.

If you aren't a troll and want to figure out how to leave here you go. Get off the computer and walk out of the house. You have already been given several good links to those that help the abused

 

[cbg]

I don't have any trouble at all believing this could be real. I've heard this kind of story unfortunately too many times, and her reactions are right on the money for an abused woman. She may not believe yet that she's being abused, but she is, and by a master at it.

Lexie, nothing is going to change until you change it. He certainly is not going to change an iota. You need to do the following things, and do all of them first:

1.) Move. If you are living with him, move out - if you are living separately, move anyway and don't leave a forwarding address. Move to a shelter, a hotel or a friend's house if you have to, but get where he can't find you.
2.) If he is on any of your credit cards or bank accounts, get him off. Today.
3.) Get a PO box and have all your mail forwarded to that. Most particularly have anything financial forwarded to the PO Box. Do not let him have access to so much as a deposit slip with your account number on it.
4.) Change your phone number. Do not give him ANY way to contact you.
5.) Get thee to a lawyer - go.
6.) Get thee to a therapist - go.

Yes, I know that it's annoying and inconvenient and can seriously mess up your life for a few weeks. Do it anyway. It's the only way out.

 

[lexiedavid99]

I apologize, I know this is for a relationship forum which this IS NOT. But, how does one do this--when part of them wants to stay....worries they won't find anyone else better...and will regret leaving?

I have gone to a therapist...of course HE hates when I go... because he knows I get advice. He says if "she only had 5 min with me she would know how impossible youare ...or why all of this happened... you are a professional storyteller/sob story queen"

So ... I haven't gone in awhile and I do question if I have fault here...maybe it can be fixed. He sure as heck thinks it's me....

I don't have any trouble at all believing this could be real. I've heard this kind of story unfortunately too many times, and her reactions are right on the money for an abused woman. She may not believe yet that she's being abused, but she is, and by a master at it.

Lexie, nothing is going to change until you change it. He certainly is not going to change an iota. You need to do the following things, and do all of them first:

1.) Move. If you are living with him, move out - if you are living separately, move anyway and don't leave a forwarding address. Move to a shelter, a hotel or a friend's house if you have to, but get where he can't find you.
2.) If he is on any of your credit cards or bank accounts, get him off. Today.
3.) Get a PO box and have all your mail forwarded to that. Most particularly have anything financial forwarded to the PO Box. Do not let him have access to so much as a deposit slip with your account number on it.
4.) Change your phone number. Do not give him ANY way to contact you.
5.) Get thee to a lawyer - go.
6.) Get thee to a therapist - go.

Yes, I know that it's annoying and inconvenient and can seriously mess up your life for a few weeks. Do it anyway. It's the only way out.

 

[cbg]

And that is all part of the abuse. Of course he hates it when you go to the therapist - you might learn that you're not the one at fault and that he is.

You have your legal answers. I can't make you follow the advice but there's really no point taking this any further if you're just going to ignore them.

Personally, I'd rather be alone than in a relationship that makes me question my own worth.